Moldable Youth: A Collection of Poetry and Prose

Moldable Youth: A Collection of Poetry and Prose

  Amy Tuso

  Copyright 2011 Amy Tuso

 

  Young Love

  In fifteen minutes

  Come fifteen gallons

  Each tear

  A great mistake

  Each heartbreak

  Cried over

  Every love

  A deeper shove

  Into the pity

  Every beat

  Breaks the heart

  Each eye

  Red from tears

  Shows the pain

  All locked away

  In twenty minutes

  Oh, too long

  The pain is gone

  Reawakening

  Woke this morning

  Found the sun

  Had been hiding

  Hadn’t even noticed

  Warm kisses smother my face

  Bright love makes everything new

  Eyelids flutter

  Face shines bright

  Erase the past

  Make the world mine

  Again

  Life

  Tired eyes

  Human dies

  People crying

  Children lying

  Crazy

  Mazy

  Mixed-up

  Got to be fixed-up

  Life

  Life

  Life

  What a shame

  Who’s to blame

  Renewed Vision

  When the day awoke

  The shades were drawn

  The life within

  Began to shimmer and shine

  Not a classic beauty

  Nothing breathe taking

  But many proclaim

  Can make you think

  Finally understand

  Beauty can only be found

  When all the past is forgotten

  All previous interpretations ignored

  When sight is found

  Go further than the skin

  The soul is open

  To fill with love

  Quandary

  Six months

  Thirty days

  Seventeen hours

  Thirty-three minutes

  Nothing hurts more

  I just can’t see

  What went wrong

  Why does this hurt

  Love isn’t painful

  Hard

  Not life ending

  Parts seem to be missing

  I can’t find an end

  Nothing has finished

  A circle

  More a spiral

  Falling faster

  Never ending

  Only starting

  Every dreams been crushed

  Hopes drowned in the effort

  Masquerade

  It was a long time ago when I believed in fairy tales, but I still dream of Prince Charming arriving to sweep me off my feet. Like every well-written tale, he’s tall, dark and handsome and the love we find is instant and passionate. Yet, as every day comes anew every dream must end.

  Then the day came when I was certain I had found him. Unlike my dreams he wasn’t tall, dark or handsome, but he did have charm. He entered my life like a cool breeze in autumn. From the first date, I was entranced. He told me of his life and he made me laugh. I told him things others would never know. He made me feel safe, secure and like a princess. I didn’t see that every story, every joke had a point - the direction, my heart; the objective my soul. Within weeks he was able to capture both.

  I had fallen in love. He was what I needed, a goal, a purpose for my life. He was the one that I would live and die for, the one I would give all to. It’s amazing, when you wish hard enough, pray long enough; you can make anyone be your every desire. And that he was.

  At that time there was only one thing sacred to me. It was my body. I have always loved strongly and cared deeply for everyone that passed through my life. However, never before my Prince had I loved with not only my heart and soul, but my body as well. Like a thief he stole my innocence. He took me to a place I had never been. With my every defense beaten, he was able to shape me, mold me, and make his thoughts mine. I was blind. I was willing.

  He was the best of actors. He acted love. He acted caring. And most destroying, he acted understanding. I had felt alone for so long. I had felt lost in the wide, wide world. He glided in and showed me his truths. I accepted them. Within months he took my stable life and turned it upside down. Suddenly I was drowning and my dear sweet Prince was my savior. He not only shook up my life, but he saved me from the chaos. I was too deep, too far gone to realize that it was he who made my life go crazy. That he was the bitter enemy, not the sweet hero. But, oh, how I loved him. I savored every rescue. If only I would have seen, then maybe I could have saved myself.

  My mother loved me, babied me, cared for me more than most mothers care for their children. She was my family, all that I had ever had. My Prince showed me the evil in my mother, showed me that it was jealousy and hate that she felt. He was so smart and had been through so much. I was weak and needing reassurance. I took every story, every lie, about my mother, inhaled them, and allowed them to be part of me. I hated her. Every unhappiness in my short life was because of her. My Prince showed me, taught me, that my mother, my only family, the only one that I felt truly loved me, was wicked. That she never loved me, nor deserved my love.

  Mission accomplished. I floated free. I neither loved any one nor felt love for anyone but my Prince. This done my mind sealed with his, my power of emotion lost to him. I followed like a stray. He led me to a new home, a new existence. Now, all power forsaken, I welded myself to him. Every breath I breathed, every beat of my heart was for him. I had everything in him: I needed nothing more. My world was he and he took control.

  Slowly a light began to shine. I tried to run and hide from the truth, oh dear god, how could it be true. My savior, my hero, my Prince was destroying me. No, no, it couldn’t be true. He couldn’t ruin me.

  I knew I had to work harder, had to make it work. I knew it was I. It had to be, there were no flaws in my Prince. One night I closed my eyes tight, but the light was too strong. I prayed for darkness so I could see my dream, but this light, this damnable light, showed merely the truth. My Prince was a frog in disguise. That was it, one night of truth destroyed it all. Sure, I fought for a chance to again be blinded. Once again live in the world not of my making. It was futile. The light had won, and once again I found myself drowning, surrounded by chaos.

  This time there was no Prince, no one to save me from the hell of his making. I ran as fast as I could back to the only thing that lightly lingered from my past. I ran to my mother, hoping to find sanctuary and peace. With her I found bitterness and a push for independence. She wanted me back to who I had once been, but that little girl of giggles and joy was gone. She tried to show me what the light had. Prove to me that my Prince was no Prince, but a nuance to my soul. It was still too fresh; the ache he left hadn’t been filled. I again started to feel the hatred for her that he had planted. She angered me, made me want him back.

  It took me weeks, months, nearly a year to see it was her strength that guided me. I was allowed to hurt, allowed to cry, and best of all allowed to heal. My mothers little girl of giggles and smiles is gone. She will never return. In her place is a woman, who, with the power of love, has grown. This woman is I, and I have found my own place and it dwells deep within myself.

  Dreams within Sleep

  Stars in heaven

  Falling to the sea

  Tears in my eyes

  Falling to the
floor

  Whispers if the wind

  Cries of my pain

  I dream and I see

  All that’s went wrong

  I sleep and I know

  Why my pain isn’t gone

  Dear One

  She gave me life

  And she’ll give me death

  She says I lie

  And even betray

  Unlike her

  I’m not perfect

  Unlike her

  I live for love

  I try so hard

  But it’s never enough

  She loves him more

  But he is worse

  To her I am wrong

  Never right

  She says I am her death

  I was never her life

  I give her stress

  Never relief

  I break her beauties

  I’m always doing it

  Doing it wrong

  Just once

  I’d like to be right

  And never wrong

  Our World

  Beauty beyond sight unseen

  Endless freedom

  Gods gift to man

  Hand caressed

  Made this land

  Gift to us

  Proud Beast

  You son of a bitch

  You bastard

  You punk

  Do you know what you have done

  You’ve left me here

  With no beginning

  Just an end

  You led me to believe

  You showed me how

  I thought it was special

  Now I understand

  I’ve seen the truth

  You’re a fake

  A coward

  A man with no spine

  If it was only for sex

  I’d understand

  You took my life

  How could you do it

  Why’d I allow it

  You acted so strong

  So sure

  So right

  But you are nothing

  Merely a demon

  Searching for souls

  My soul is now guarded

  And never again

  Will a proud looking beast

  Leave me alone

  With no beginning

  Just end

  Home

  She left yesterday and he watched her go. As she left, his heart sank. They have been together for a while, but he knows that it’s not long enough. She’s gone home, not to mommy and daddy, but to him. She loved him first, long before the other was known. The man, who’s here, the one who loves her, is feeling a great loss. The same type of loss she felt, after her first love left.

  The first love, we’ll call him jack, and the second shall be Calvin. She met Jack, and they fell in love, just like every great romance novel. This love was true; she felt it inside and out, with and without him. They knew each other’s faults and loved each other anyway. Together they forgot the past and planned their future. But suddenly Jack had second thoughts and felt the need to say good-bye. She was lost; her future was only images of their plans.

  Then came Calvin. He saw her and fell in love. What a shock to realize that her beauty was far more than skin deep. He now knew love and she felt the same, though it was not the same as the first time. How could it be? Calvin was so special, a boy, a man, someone never to forget. Yet Jack was what she knew of the future. And now she had gone to see him.

  Calvin feels the loss. He wants to keep her and she wants to stay. There are choices to be made no strength to make them. The old bus to home is always so slow. She thinks of the old, and now the new. Who shall she choose? As the time passes and she is returning to her home. A few things have been learned. She loves the old and the past, which is where Jack is, and where he will stay. He was her future and all that was in it, but the tide has turned and he no longer sees what is within her. Their faults can no longer be hidden; their future was a dream and we all wake.

  She thinks of Calvin now, he still loves her. She’s not sure. She wants to love and want only him. She needs time. He’ll understand, or so she hopes. She’ll explain that she loves him… and Jack. He’ll nod, as always, say that he knows, and tell her simply that the future is theirs… and it all begins again.

 

  Fate to Trust

  A simple day

  A future changed

  Life revised

  Everything able

  To be simply trusted

  The eyes of a child

  Opening to a fresh light

  Many friendships bonded

  True loves enforced

  As the sun escapes

  The moon appears

  The day has ended

  Memories of the past

  Dreams of the future

  One

  I was amazed at the simplicity

  Awed by the ease

  I thought it would provoke

  Serious guilt from within

  It had happened before

  But that time a mistake

  This time planned

  Decided long before it happened

  I knew what I was doing

  I did it with pleasure

  Only one knows the truth

  A wish fulfilled

  I made it happen

  And still live in joy

 

  Unconditional

  I explained to him one night

  As we lay side by side

  What he means to me

  I nearly weep

  At the pulling in my heart

  He doesn’t understand

  He’s never been shown

  I try to guide

  Try to teach

  But slowly I begin to see

  What I felt

  All that I knew

  Has never been

  Part of his life

  I do things

  Try to express

  Make my actions follow my words

  As I think of him today

  I know deep down

  He will never see

  Forever people

  Pass through our lives

  And the only thing that matters

  Is how we love them

  Pieces of a Smile

  To hear the soft words of a friend.

  Feel the comforting arms of a lover.

  The warmth of the sun upon my face.

  All are quite loved.

  When a single is lost.

  The tears that flow are soul dividing.

  Combined it’s like a beautiful puzzle.

  Each piece fitting perfectly and completely.

  The puzzle called life. Stamped with a smile.

  To be shown to the world.

  Today

  We make our own futures

  Thus we make our own pasts

  As children others choose

  But now we are grown

  Who we are

  What we may become

  Is up to the choices

  We make in our lives

  There is no room for guilt

  Or even mere regret

  We must act on our feelings

  And live for today

  Because tomorrow maybe

  Too late for living

  Houston

  We all knew, though none of us would talk about it. There’s that stupid old saying; “It’s always the quiet ones.” Well, not this time.

  There were six of us. We were all individuals, yet all the same. I classified us as the Abyss. Together we were unbeatable, unstoppable. Yet, apart, anything could take us down. That thought, united we stand, divided we fall, was proven tenfold.

  We all had something missing from our lives; the majority of us missed love.

  Except for her.

  Her name was Houston, but was always called Hush. At times we joked that’s what people wanted to tell her, to hush. Lord, she was loud.

  Together we wer
e all noisy. We’d laugh and run around like you see five-year-olds doing.

  Hush was our mentor. She was the one who kept us going. When one of us was tired of the crap that was saw everyday and just wanted to give up. She pushed harder. She told us that we can be scared, but we can’t be a chicken shit.

  That was her word. Chicken shit. If we’re too scared to do something, that’s what we were, chicken shits.

  Yeah, she believed in fear. She lived her life scared.

  That hadn’t stopped her.

  So, she made sure that it never stopped any of us.

  Love had nearly stopped us all. Yet, we kept pushing, bracing our backs when the rough water hit.

  Still Hush was different. Love was her life.

  She feared her father, the devil himself would have feared that man, but she still loved him. All of us would sit in utter amazement when she talked about him. There was love in her eyes even when she told about his yelling and the latest tirade.

  Yep, Hush was love. That’s why none of us were surprised to meet Leif. What a surprise, she was in love. To her he was a guardian angel. He helped her with so much. That’s all we heard about from her. Always Leif, he did this, said that. Never had we thought that Hush was capable of getting happier than before Leif showed up, but we were wrong. Life after Leif was nothing but sparkling eyes and smiles for Hush. None of us worried. Hush was happy and that made us happy. Never did we think that what goes up, must come down. What a fall it was.

  Leif left. He was gone with only a message on Hush’s door. A post-it note that read:

  Hush

  I must go.

  Leif

  No more smiles. Hush no longer had that skip in her step. She never cried. We talked about it, she was calm, and said she had no clue. Leif left with no warning and barely a goodbye.

  Hush should have cried, for days she should have cried. She’d lost the man that she loved. Didn’t she care? She had to have cared. He had changed her, made her happier. Now you could tell that she was sad, her every move proved it, but her eyes stayed dry.

  Once I tried to ask her why she never cried. She looked up at me with her head slightly tilted and simply said that she was afraid to cry.

  When she said it I wanted to laugh at the irony, call her a chicken shit.

  But I couldn’t.

  I cried.

  Child Within

  A child’s life

  Lost in all this trouble

  A life still living

  An adult in a child

  The death within

  Happiness forgotten

  Dreams recreated

  Never to see

  What children should see

  Age growing daily

  Nothing left

  Final death too soon

  For Myself, Not Others

  As I walk away

  I hear your bitter words

  You tell the others

  How different I am

  At those words

  I smile

  For you are right

  I will never be like you