The Hound of Kemamonit

I spent a long time in the shower scrubbing every inch of my body even between my toes. I washed my hair three times and then brushed my teeth twice. I made sure every particle of the diseased snot was flushed down the drain.

  I shuddered when I remembered the documentary I had watched, a nefarious livestock owner had treated his cows terribly in order to save money. The images of the sick and starving animals had given me bad dreams for a week. I had made the mistake of telling Janet about it.

  Janet handed me a thick luxurious towel so I could dry myself, I sniffed it carefully to make sure it was clean. I wrapped it around myself before I left the shower.

  Janet was sweeping up the assorted chunks of slimy snot. I shook involuntarily.

  "I'd be careful with that," I said.

  Janet looked up and smiled, "It's amazing what you can accomplish with a little corn syrup and lemon Jell-O."

  I felt my eyes narrow.

  "So a clever subterfuge, I would be careful from now on," I said menacingly.

  "Oh Kem... as I said my daughters turning twelve and you're gonna need a babysitter in a few months so stop with the melodrama."

  I was about to make a rebuttal when I realized that my husband Peter's family had no one suitable, my own family had disappeared eons ago and my friends were all young and without children. The woman was more cunning then I had realized.

  Janet conjured up a large pneumatic barber chair.

  "Sit down," she said.

  I sat down, Janet used a foot pedal to raise the seat and started styling my mop of hair.

  "You know how to style hair?" I asked curiously.

  "That's how I paid for graduate school."

  She worked furiously, cutting and yanking my normally stubborn and rebellious mane. I could hear her mutter magical command words occasionally and sometimes I would see the circular lens she had used for reading float in front of me when she would pause. I saw her eyes through them.

  "That's an odd spell."

  "Well there are some advantages to wearing glasses, you can see things through more than one perspective. I modified a spell written by an old colleague of yours, Senbi.

  When Janet finished with my hair she conjured up a wooden palette that had a number of little recessed cups, they were full of pigments. There was a small hole that held a number of delicate brushes.

  She stood in front of me and expertly applied the pigments to my skin and lips.

  She walked back a few paces and stared at me intently.

  "Perfect." She said as she dispelled the palette.

  "How's this gonna work anyway, you can trowel all the makeup you want on me, I'm still obviously pregnant."

  "Doubt it would matter... guys are weird that way."

  Janet conjured up a brightly colored dress and handed it to me.

  "Put this on," she commanded.

  It was simple dress that just needed to be pulled over my head, it was loose and comfortable. I looked down to see how much my gigantic belly stuck out.

  I gasped, it was gone, all I saw was a trim flat stomach. I noticed too that my breast's seemed fuller and seemed higher than they would normally be.

  "One of my students wrote this spell, I imagine she's surprised a few guys in the morning." Janet said.

  She slowly walked around me, fingers on her chin examining me.

  "Good enough I guess."

  She picked up what looked like a white coverall, it was draped over a chair. She handed it to me.

  "What's this?" I asked.

  "Protective suit... you're always worried about catching something... put it on."

  The suit fit horribly, I was only able to put it on by hiking my dress up. It was way too big and the head piece was already attached and made of the same material as the rest of the suit. There were two clear plastic circles sewn into it for me to see out of. They didn't work very well.

  The only good thing about it was it had large easy to grab zippers everywhere, it would be easy to get out of.

  "So... what's its rating?" I asked.

  "Rating....um... MOPP six... I think."

  Janet wasn't even trying to hide her lies, I felt my face go warm. There was no MOPP six, besides MOPP was not even a type of rating, it was a readiness level.

  I felt the material of the suit, there was no activated charcoal lining, there were not even chemical canister's on the head piece to filter the air.

  She was just trying to humor me.

  Janet conjured up a large wooden door in the middle of the floor.

  "Archimedes will be the old geezer walking around directing the troops, be careful, you'll be talking to him while the Romans are attacking Syracuse. He's commanding the defense."

  Janet opened the door pulling it towards her. I walked through the door frame barely able to see, the stupid plastic circles didn't even line up with my eyes. The whole suit smelled of old shoes.

  "Go get em Barbarella," Janet said as she slapped my bum.