Frolic of His Own

  —She’s not coming in Christina! She’s not putting one foot in this house, tell her she, where is she. Where is she.

  —She said she’ll just take a look around outside while we . . .

  —Can’t she read? This is private property, can’t she read?

  —Oscar wait, just try to calm down. That letter from the bank, did you ever do anything about it? About the mortgage, where is it.

  —That they sent her here? That’s got nothing to do with it Christina. The bank makes those payments right out of my account.

  —Well there’s a lien against your stupid salary isn’t there? Maybe there’s one at the bank too, where is it.

  —It’s over here someplace he muttered, dislodging a heap on the sideboard, and then —what’s this. When did this come.

  —It came yesterday, I forgot . . .

  —Can’t you tell me when these letters come? It’s from these people on my Shiloh talk, it might be important, it might be a check . . .

  —My God Oscar, you are a child. How much have they promised you.

  —That’s not your business Christina. Two hundred dollars, that’s not the . . .

  —Well a grand sum like that of course, they . . .

  —I don’t understand.

  —That they don’t pay you when they’ve never set eyes on you?

  —No I, I don’t understand . . .

  —Well what is it, they’ve canceled it? She reached for the letter quivering in his hand but he drew it back, coming down unsteadily on the chair. —Well what is it.

  —Dear, it says dear Doctor Crease. We are looking forward to your discussion on the events at Shiloh, and are sure it will contain an inspiring message for us all. While we certainly would not wish to appear to influence your approach, in view of the bitter feelings and prejudices engulfing the Holy Land today we suggest that you may not care to dwell at too much length on the bloodsoaked details of battle, and the slaughter of some thirty thousand by a barbarous enemy before victory and unity were bestowed by the forces of the Lord but at the cost of the glory of Shiloh departing forever. Unfortunately, this emphasis might only serve to add further fuel to the destructive atmosphere echoing down the ages in the voice of the Lord in Jeremiah, Go to Shiloh and see what I did to it for the wickedness of my people, and in the interests of healing the wounds of past generations you might find a more inspiring text in the words of the little child answering the vision that came to him there, Speak, for thy servant heareth . . .

  —Oscar? Try to calm down. Think about it, what . . .

  —But, what are they talking about!

  —Well think about it. Who are these people waiting to hear what they think you know about Shiloh, who arranged this thing anyhow.

  —I know everything about Shiloh! I know there were twenty thousand casualties not thirty thousand killed, ten thousand on each side they were all raw recruits no, no barbarous enemy, a lecture agency arranged it they take twenty five percent, for writers to give talks and readings . . .

  —The whole thing is ridiculous. If you’re a writer you write, why do you think people learned to read in the first place. All this tramping around giving talks and readings, are they all illiterates? You read stories to three year olds, if you’re a writer you stay home and write.

  —Well I, damn it Christina that’s what I’m trying to do! These bills look at them, these lawsuits and these lawyers and these phone calls nobody answers and nobody returns, my car gets stolen and this salary lien and now this idiotic this, this glory of Shiloh departed forever healing the wounds of past generations? If it’s madness they want, Go to Shiloh and see what I did to it for the, look! Look, she’s out there peeking in the window, that’s who sent her, selling the house out from under us when I’m barely back on my feet and I’ll stay on my feet I’ll, I’ll go down there and see what he, what the hell is going on, I’ll . . .

  —Oscar for God’s sake try to calm down, you’re not going anywhere. Put on your magic mittens, genuine simulated Spotskin wear ’em with the furside outside and go down there and confront Father he’ll eat you alive. Some poor real estate woman knocks on the door and you . . .

  —Poor! I just saw her car, look out there, look at her car it’s a block long it takes up half the driveway, tinted windows and the whole, listen! the door, she’s trying to get in!

  —She came in a little black car Oscar, it’s . . .

  —What in the, look! What in, how did it get in here!

  —Teen? echoed down the hall.

  —Oh my God . . . The door clattered, the dog barked —she’s here, it’s Trish, will you come and help her?

  —Teen! in a flurry of mink —how marvelous! The dog barked —no down Pookie, stop it. Stop it! And Oscar, I said stop it! How simply marvelous! on a billow of scent —it’s been a thousand years, I didn’t dream we’d actually get here, the driver seemed quite lost I don’t think he can read signs and then Jerry knew exactly where we were and the minute we saw your frightfully unfriendly sign at the gate of course he’d been here before, isn’t it fun?

  —Well old sport, emerged from behind the cloud of mink at about her shoulder’s height, a hand extended —a small world, eh?

  —It’s, I, hello . . .

  —Teen? This is Jerry, of course Harry knows him but you’ve never met have you, he hadn’t the faintest notion we were coming here, we were in court on the stroke of ten, Jerry’s made me frightfully punctual can you imagine? Waiting simply an eternity in this ghastly room filled with plastic coffee cups and teeming ashtrays and the Daily News all over the floor when they told us the lawyer for Mummy’s estate got up and claimed this loathsome little priest who’s a witness or something was unavoidably detained on official diocesian business doing God knows how many widows and orphans out of their last crust, I mean of course those weren’t his exact words but they got a postponement and it suddenly seemed the perfect chance for this visit I’ve promised and here we are! I mean I did think of calling ahead, of course there’s a phone in the car but Jerry was talking to a client and I thought it would be more fun to surprise you.

  —Well you, you certainly did Trish, I thought . . .

  —Will you get me out of this damn thing Jerry? as he reached up behind her to lift the fur away —just throw it anywhere, it’s like wearing an animal farm, it was absolutely raw when I came out this morning, could you dream it would be such a beautiful day? shaking herself loose in a flash of diamonds —of course I shouldn’t have worn them, they’re for evening after all but I thought I should make it quite clear to the court and these estate lawyers and this whole den of thieves that I’m hardly a beggar but simply after my rights, I mean they’re the ones who are howling about the money if you could see this unctuous little Father Stepan bleating over Mummy’s eternal rest and this pitiful young man Mary’s got from legal aid with his homemade sandwich in a paper bag, I’m sure he washes his shirts himself and of course Jerry simply took him to pieces stop it Pookie! Get down, all this glorious fresh air I’m simply ravenous.

  —It won’t take a minute Trish sit down, how does a little boiled chicken sound with a few . . .

  —Frankly Teen it sounds rather revolting, you needn’t bother we’ve brought something along Jerry? did you tell that savage to bring in the basket? It’s why we’re a little late, we stopped to pick up Pookie and I had them put together a sort of a picnic it’s such a beautiful day I thought we might even have it out of doors, I don’t mean that déjeuner sur l’herbe scene it’s a little chilly for the girls to tear off our clothes while Oscar stands about looking every inch the gentleman poet and Jerry of course, can you picture anyone more fastidious? nodding after the midnight blue bumchafer receding up the hall, —I’d thought something in suede but he said something about cows so we settled on silk and thank God for Sulka’s, I suggested some sort of yachting insignia for the breast pocket but he doesn’t really own one yet and we settled for the plain gold monogram, can you help me with the catch on this brac
elet Oscar? You remember that ridiculous child who wanted to wear them out playing field hockey Teen, her father’s been arrested in some sort of betting scandal wouldn’t you know? squeezing one wrist free, then the other —they’re just in the way, I put them on to sort of hide these little bandages but you’d hardly notice them anyway would you.

  —To tell you the truth you had me quite frightened, when you told me about T J calling the doctor I half expected bandages right to your elbows, what in God’s name made you do a thing like . . .

  —You simply wouldn’t believe it Teen, that cut glass vase it was somebody’s wedding present, I knew it had a crack in it just like that ghastly marriage I should have thrown them both out together but it was Baccarat and I hadn’t the heart, I was putting some snapdragons in it Jerry had sent me when the whole damn thing came to pieces in my hands and while I was trying to mop up the blood there was T J on the phone to the doctor saying Mummy’s cut her wrists again it was all too embarrassing, the way he looks after me he’s such a dear, I don’t know what he’d do without me, he’s been bringing home some very odd friends one of them twice his age I could swear wearing lipstick and I’ve thought of getting a tutor to live in but after that poor Schofield boy, I heard they used a broom handle, that’s really asking for it, he’s so oh, here we are!

  —Oscar? will you help him? and Lily, where is she, Lily? Will you tell her to bring in some plates?

  —And silver, they’ve put in these horrid little plastic forks you’d think we were Kurds or something, Pookie get down. I asked them to give us some gravlax and it looks like they’ve simply put in a side of smoked salmon, you must have some dill? and some of that honey mustard and, never mind, it has to be pressed it would take all night but where is the pâté? We were in such a rush, I barely had time to tell Jerry we were off to the country to visit an old friend from school I’d been dying to see and of course he hadn’t the faintest notion who and I’d never in my wildest dreams have imagined he might actually have been here himself when I was really the one who suggested it in the first place wasn’t I Teen, that awful day in the hospital when that terrifying nurse drenched me with blood you know I’ve had to change cleaners four times, it’s simply too mortifying to face that supercilious encore du sangre Madame? the moment I walk in, I’ve thought of finding one up in Spanish Harlem where it’s no more than a little eggy mess on ve tunic in that charming story of Kipling’s wasn’t it with Oscar dying down the hall from his car crash and I said he could sue for millions, don’t you remember? Of course I dropped that suit against the hospital to spare Bunker’s feelings on the board but it’s really the only language they understand isn’t it, and when we turned in at your driveway just now and Jerry told me he’d been out here taking some kind of deposition from a poor man in a wheelchair of course I was thrilled, keeping things in the family and all the rest of it he’s, where did he go. Oscar?

  —He’s, I think he went to the kitchen. He’s been rather testy lately and it’s better just to pretend not to notice when he . . .

  —But my God Teen who can blame him, I mean what he’s been through I didn’t dream we’d see him up running around, I half expected to find you running some sort of intensive care ward here and of course I understand about the boiled chicken if he’s still on hospital food but it’s rather like killing the healthy chicken to make soup for the sick one and he might like to try this boned squab for a change if you don’t think the truffles would disagree with his Pookie stop it, get down I said. I know I asked them for pâté, we might like it to start since the gravlax is oh, here he is, Jerry? will you help him with those dishes? You mustn’t try to wait on us Oscar, I mean my God you’re the patient after all and we’ve just been sitting here like wet rags marveling at your courage through this whole frightful ordeal.

  —High marks, old sport. You’ve put on a little weight?

  —Well don’t stand there growling Oscar, let him help you.

  —Straighten things out with your insurance people? They’re all swine of course.

  —And what are these little, oh. These delicious little cheese beignets but, is it Lily? Lily could you pop these into the oven for a few minutes, they really can’t be served cold yes and just put the silver down here in a heap, we can fend for ourselves. And napkins? oh you’ve brought them.

  —Clever move old sport, hauling us out here for that deposition, have your impairment wheelchair and all right there in the sworn record if these swine try to accuse you of malingering.

  —But that’s, they couldn’t, I couldn’t walk I couldn’t even . . .

  —Clever move . . . and, was it a wink? briskly cleaning his butter knife with a napkin —might want to keep your eye out for secret warranties if they get sticky about settling, a car with undisclosed defects that are covered by undisclosed warranties and the maker will pay up if you do the digging your insurance should do for you but of course they’re all swine.

  —Pookie you ate it! Nothing left but the waxed paper get down! Little bastard I’ll break your, if all he wants is his Nembutal choking down all our pâté to get at it before we can even stop it I said! A lovely pâté maison, the foie gras was costing a fortune simply to shut him up and this is how he says thank you, Oscar while you’re up can you bring in some glasses?

  —Yes, some of your Pinot Grigio Oscar, ask her to see if there’s any that’s chilled.

  —You don’t want to drink that stuff old sport, here. We brought along a little Yquem, tried for the sixty seven but all they could come up with was the seventy five, of course the twenty one’s all but impossible to find even at two thousand a bottle, got a corkscrew handy?

  —Lily? can you hear me? will you bring in a corkscrew?

  —Aren’t you clever Teen, did you find her out here? But you’re taking a terrible chance though aren’t you, I mean when they’re that pretty the first thing they’ll do is go off and get pregnant in the back seat of a car somewhere, with bazooms like that I’m sure Oscar sees what I mean.

  —I’m sure he does Trish, but . . .

  —Now wait Christina, explain to her that Lily’s not . . .

  —My God Oscar, don’t ask her to explain the facts of life to me of all people, the male animal’s something that no woman in her right mind should even, Jerry? Where are you going.

  —Taking the salmon in the kitchen to slice it.

  —She can bring in a knife and we can slice it right here, you see what I mean? The poor thing ends up in court like me and God only knows who the father is.

  —Well there Oscar. Isn’t that exactly what I said? Oscar had an idea, Trish. I mean you’ve known each other for a thousand years, and he thought if he offered to appear in court and told them that he . . .

  —You can’t tell this Judge Weisnicht anything Teen, that tells you something right there doesn’t it? This loathsome boy up there with his sleazy rights to life lawyer swearing he’s in love with me and wanted to spare me the stigma of unwed motherhood but I didn’t want to share the baby with him and then, I didn’t tell you this did I? This little roach Father Stepan, that he’s being served up in two helpings? when the judge ordered my doctor to give my medical records to this loathsome boy’s lawyer and there’s this little roach up there posing as an expert witness to get that ghastly little blob declared a person from the moment of conception so they can move it to juvenile court as a paternity suit while the one who threw the catsup gets off claiming his legal right to protect another person from harm, can you imagine anything more utterly insane? Well I couldn’t either until we walked into the courtroom down the hall for the hearing on Mummy’s will and there’s this same little roach Father Stepan appearing as Mummy’s confessor or whatever they call them presenting his bill for sixty years of prayers to keep what he has the gall to refer to as her soul out of purgatory or keep her in it God only knows which, I mean when you look at the hoard of money they squeezed out of her while she was still what you might call alive it’s just the greed Teen, the greed
written all over their faces it almost makes you ashamed for the whole human race if you, yes, our glasses at last. Just put them down here dear and, oh? you’re joining us?

  —I think we’d prefer the stemware Lily, these glasses aren’t . . .

  —God let’s not stand on ceremony Teen I’m dying of thirst, Oscar don’t sit there growling, look for the, Jerry? Where . . .

  —He’s in the kitchen slicing that salmon, shall I go and . . .

  —Just sit still dear, I’m sure he can manage, hasn’t she got the most beautiful skin Teen? I’d give simply anything for skin like that, I’ve seen this cream they sell for hemorrhoids on television I thought it might tighten things up here under the eyes before I have to go back to Doctor Kissinger for another tuck but I’d be frightfully embarrassed buying it I thought Oscar must have some I could borrow, I mean he’s just been sitting around here for ages and Pookie stop it! Stop it! stop it! stop it! Dreadful little, did he tear your stocking dear? When you cross your knees with your leg out like that he simply cannot resist, God knows what goes on in his dirty little mind I suppose sooner or later he’s got to be spayed but these horrid right to life idiots would come down in a pack, will you see if they put any lemons and capers in there for the salmon? Sheer poetry, look, put it down here Jerry, pale pink salmon served on a chilled white china plate it’s perfectly exquisite isn’t it. Turn your head dear, turn your face this way, do you see what I mean now, Teen? the same delicate glow on her clear white skin when they talk about being just a little bit pregnant like those French women in the eighteenth century for that glow that comes on the first month or so and then the curettage, it was all Bunker’s idea. He thought it would be fun for me to get up in court and say I was just using this awful boy to try out this old French beauty secret but Jerry thought it wouldn’t go over with this stupid fossil of a judge and Mary in the courtroom right down the hall with her pasty pudding face the perfect picture of a thousand years of Irish Catholic ignorance and that roach Father Stepan not letting her out of his sight while they read the bequest in Mummy’s will to my loyal and faithful servant, nurse and friend I give and bequeath the entire contents securities bonds cash and God knows what else in my account with Loeb, Rhoades for her years of unselfish and devoted companionship in my service, his hands were simply trembling to get hold of every penny and if you could have seen their faces, he’d brought along three rapacious lawyers from the Cardinal himself to make sure none of these Peter’s pence got spilled on the way to their pockets and you should have seen their faces when Jerry got up and straightened them out tell them, tell them Jerry. The most brilliant stroke you can imagine, Mummy’d had a fight with Loeb, Rhoades and, you tell them.