The Official "I Hate Women" Jokebook
“But Ron’s right here.”
“He sleeps like a rock. Watch.” She reaches over and plucks a hair from his ass.
And they fuck.
“That was fantastic,” says the wife, “do it again?”
“We’ll wake Ron.”
“Watch.” She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.
And they fuck.
“I’ve got to have you one more time.”
“We’ll wake Ron.”
“Watch.” She reaches over and plucks another hair from his ass.
Ron sits up and says, “I really don’t mind the fact that you’re fucking my brother, but would you please stop using my ass for a scoreboard?”
* * *
A coed is modeling her new bathing suit for her mother. “Do you like it?” she asks.
“If I wore that suit at your age, you’d be four years older.”
* * *
A man visited the drugstore and asked for the most powerful love stimulant on the market. The druggist gave him three tablets and warned him that his dick would be harder than a telephone pole. “That’s okay he said, “I have three hookers coming over tonight.”
The next day the man returned and said, “What do you have to soothe raw flesh?”
“Your cock?”
“No, my hand. The bitches didn’t show.”
* * *
A Texas millionaire marries a young jet setter from Britain. They move to England and he starts going to the opera, learning about which fork to use with which course, etc. After every new adventure they relax with a couple of martinis and she lovingly critiques whatever lapse in the social graces he may have, that day, committed. After his first fox hunt he says, “Well, Baby, how’d I do today?”
“Splendidly. Except when you see a fox, you must say Tallyho, a fox and not There goes the dirty little motherfucker.”
* * *
The cab driver said, “Monsieur, we are now passing the most famous whorehouse in Paris.”
The American in the back seat said, “Why?”
* * *
“Accused,” said the judge, “of assault on your husband.”
“But he called me a two-bit whore.”
“But you put him in intensive care, what did you hit him with?”
“A sack of quarters.”
* * *
What’s the definition of a wife?
An expensive attachment you screw on a bed to get the housework done.
* * *
When do you know it’s time to stop fucking your wife doggy style?
When she starts chasing cars.
* * *
What a man’s idea helping with the housework?
Lifting his feet his feet so the bitch can vacuum.
* * *
What type of food diminishes a woman’s sexual drive by 75%?
Wedding cake.
* * *
What’s the best way to clean out a condom?
Hold it firmly between two fingers and shake the fuck out of it.
* * *
How can you tell when your wife has been masturbating with carrots and cucumbers?
When the salad comes, so does she.
* * *
“Let’s go out tonight and have some fun,” said the wife to her husband.
“Great idea,” he said, “if you get home before I do, leave the porch light on.”
* * *
How did Mr. Johnson realize he had a fantastic sperm count?
Because Mrs. Johnson had to chew before she swallowed.
* * *
How are a pussy and a Florida orange similar?
The good ones squirt when you eat them.
* * *
When did the man who had been married 15 years realize that he’d been masturbating too much?
He fucked his wife and it felt like he was cheating on himself.
* * *
Why was there a picture of his ex-wife on the divorced guy’s TV?
To remind him where his DVD player went.
* * *
How are wives and blenders similar?
Everybody says you need one, but you are not really quite sure why.
* * *
How do you know when you’ll probably get a get laid on the first date?
When you ask the girl to dance and she climbs up on the table.
* * *
How are a wife and a dirty diaper similar?
Because both are all over your ass and full of shit.
* * *
What do you call the lump of flesh at the end of the penis?
A man.
* * *
What do you call the excess flesh on the outside of the vaginal labia?
A woman.
* * *
A guy goes down on a hooker and comes up with a mouthful of French fries and a half chewed Big Mac. “Jesus, lady are you sick or something?”
“No, but I think the guy before you might have been.”
* * *
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
* * *
How are a condom and a wife similar?
They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your cock.
* * *
A Boy Scout gets picked up by a hooker. She takes him upstairs, drops her skirt removes her panties and flops back on the bed spreading her legs. “What’s that?” asks the Boy Scout.
“It’s my downstairs mouth.”
“What do you mean your downstairs mouth?”
“It’s got lips, it’s got a mustache. It’s my downstairs mouth.”
“Does it have a tongue in it?”
“Not yet sonny boy. Not yet.”
* * *
Why are divorces so expensive?
Because they are fucking worth it
* * *
Pinocchio’s girlfriend says to him, “This sucks. Every time we make love I get splinters in my pussy.”
Pinocchio voices the complaint to Gephetto who says, “Sandpaper my boy, sandpaper. All you need sandpaper.” A week later he asks Pinocchio, “How are the girl problems, Pinocchio?”
“Girls? Who needs those fucking cunts? Sandpaper, Gephetto, sandpaper!”
* * *
A man returns home early from a business trip and finds his wife in bed naked. There is a cigar smoldering in the ashtray. “Where the hell did that cigar come from?”
A muffled voice in the closet says, “Cuba.”
* * *
While eating at a diner’s counter a trucker let out a resounding fart. The man sitting next to him said, “You pig. How dare you fart like that in front of my wife?”
“Sorry,” said the trucker. “I didn’t realize it was her turn.”
* * *
How did the stockbroker’s wife tell her husband that she’d been cheating on him?
“I’ve gone public.”
* * *
A man was sentenced to six years in jail for vehicular manslaughter. During the sentence his wife remained faithful. On the day of his release she was hot horny and ready to do it. She couldn’t wait until they arrived back home so she pulled into the first motel she passed. They entered the room and immediately ripped off each other’s clothes. “How do you want to do it baby?” she asked.
“I want two things.”
“Anything.”
“I want you on all fours and I’m going to fuck you up the ass.”
“What’s the second thing?”
“Can I call you Phil?”
* * *
What’s the difference between love and insanity?
Insanity lasts forever.
* * *
Why is sex with a condom like bungee jumping?
If the rubber breaks, you’re fucked.
* * *
What’s one definition of a perfect marriage?
Your wife and your housekeeper come a couple times a week.
* * *
What’s another name for a condom?
Around-the-cock protection.
* * *
A couple steps up to the desk clerk, “My wife and I would like a room.”
“I’m sorry. But the only available room’s bathroom is being remodeled. There’s no running water.”
“Sweetheart,” he says, “is that okay with you?”
She shrugs and says, “Whatever you say mister.”
* * *
A couple is walking through the park when they see a couple kissing on a park bench. “Why,” says the wife, “can’t you be more like that?”
“I don’t even know her.”
* * *
A man insisted on getting married even though both he and his fiancée were unemployed. He said, “We’ll live on love alone.” So they get hitched and neither can find a job. One day after another long, fruitless job hunt he returns to the boarding house where they live and he hears wild clapping and screaming in the dining room. He enters to see his wife, naked, running up the stairs, straddling the banister and sliding down bareass. This act delights the male boarders. She runs up the stairs again and he screams from the bottom, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Remember you said we were going to live on love alone?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m heating up your fucking dinner.”
* * *
Laura Bush is not satisfied with George’s last few sexual performances and she mentions something to him. So George asks Colin Powell for some tips. Colin tells him to start off with oral sex, first swirling your tongue to the left, then the right, and repeat that three times before you stick your dick in.
That night Laura goes to bed first and George sneaks in under the covers. Three swirls to the left; three to the right; but before George can get it in Laura says, “Is that you, Colin?”
* * *
At his 30 year class reunion a man bumps into his high school sweetheart and says, “How you doing?”
“I’ve just had a hysterectomy.”
“That’s too bad.”
“But the doctor did find your class ring.”
* * *
A man stuck his hand out the window to check if it’s raining and catches a glass eyeball. He looks up and sees a beautiful girl hanging out a window, “Is this yours?” he yells.
“Yes. Apartment 37 d.”
“I’ll bring it up.”
He arrives at 37 d. She opens the door stark naked. She pops her eye in, drops to her knees and starts sucking his dick. “Wow,” he says, “do you treat all guys this way?”
“No,” she mumbles, “just the ones that catch my eye.”
* * *
An avid, extremely rich, fisherman marries an older, dowdy, overweight woman. They honeymoon at a posh resort in Tahiti, voted one of the most romantic getaways in the world. As soon as they land, at dusk, he arranges for a night fishing expedition. She dines, alone and content, with a book. She sleeps in, but he’s up at dawn; hiking into the mountains for some fly fishing. She takes a taxi into town at noon; while he sleeps, she shops. He awakes at 4:00 pm, has breakfast for dinner and goes night fishing again. This goes on, like clockwork, for their entire two week stay. Checking out, the concierge asks the wealthy fisherman, “How was your stay?”
“Fucking brilliant. Thanks.” And he slips him $500.
“If I may be personal?”
“Certainly.”
The concierge says, “This is the most romantic place on earth. In two weeks you and your wife haven’t shared a meal or a bed. You are young, rich, handsome. She belongs in a trailer park. I am mystified why you are together.”
He nods twice, and says: “You know how much I like fishing?”
“Oh yes.”
He made the come-closer-finger-gesture and whispered, “She’s got worms.”
* * *
A nervous young man the night before his wedding said to his father, “I’m a virgin; I really don’t know what to do.”
“It’s easy just take that thing you used to play with as a child and put it were your wife pees.”
So he got his old GI Joe doll and threw it in the toilet.
* * *
A mother advised her soon-to-be-wed daughter, “Always wear an item of clothing to bed, darling. It’ll keep the mystery alive.”
Two weeks into their marriage, following another glorious bout of lovemaking, her husband said, “Is there any history of mental disease in your family?”
“No. Why?”
“Because you keep wearing those fucking earmuffs to bed.”
* * *
A woman responded to a personal ad that used the phrase World’s Greatest Lover several times. She responded and the next day was all a-flutter as the doorbell rang. She stripped down to bra and panties and answered the door. At the door was a young man in a motorized wheelchair much like Stephen Hawking’s. He said, “I see you’re ready for the world’s greatest lover.”
“But you’re paralyzed, how…”
“Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”
* * *
Harry walked, smiling, into the drug store to buy some condoms. The pharmacist asked, “Why the good mood?”
“I’ve been dating this chick for 3 months and she’s surrendering the pussy tonight. The only drawback is that I have to meet the parents for dinner first. But, goddam, she’s going to get all of it.”
“Ah, to be young and horny. Knock her dead,” he said.
“I will.”
That evening Harry rang the doorbell. As soon as his girlfriend, followed by her parents, answered the door Harry jumped into the bushes and hid his face. She said to Harry, “Why didn’t you tell me you were so shy?”
“Why didn’t you tell me your dad worked at the fucking pharmacy?”
* * *
Preoccupied with business, Mr. Fife had not made love to his wife for over six months. In order to pique his interest his wife went out and purchased a pair of crotchless panties. When he came home from work that night she lay naked, except for the crotchless panties, on the couch in the front room. He entered the room and she said, “You want some of this pussy?”
“Hell no. Look what it did to your underwear. “
* * *
A man wakes up in the middle of the night with a raging boner, he says to his wife, “Get over here and suck this.”
“Let me go to the bathroom first.”
“Okay.”
On the way to the bathroom she trips over the throw rug and falls. The husband says, “Is my little baby all right? You didn’t hurt yourself did you? Did you? Oh, my baby will be okay.” She shits, returns to bed and performs incredible oral sex on her husband. She gets out of bed, again to go to the bathroom and trips again, falling to her knees. Her husband says, “You clumsy fucking cunt.”
* * *
“Will you ride with my mother,” said Barbara to her husband from her deathbed, “on the way to my funeral?”
“Of course I will,” said Brad. “But it’s gonna fuck up my entire day.”
* * *
“We’re going to have fun tonight,” said Karl to Mary, “I got three tickets to the concert.”
“Why three?” asked Mary.
“They are for your parents and your little brother.”
* * *
A man and his wife are married for a year. One day she’s cleaning and discovers a box with 3 empty beer bottles and $445. She asks, “How odd, Bill. Money and beer bottles? Why?”
“Everytime I think about having sex with another woman I put a bottle in the box.”
“Only three times in a year. I’m flattered; but what about the money?”
“When the box is filled with empties I cash them in.”
* * *
A man came home from work to find his beautiful wife naked, on her knees in the foyer. She gave him a wonderful blow job, and as he moaned and came down her throat he said, “What’d you back the car i
nto this time?”
* * *
The husband climbed into bed and started fondling his wife. She pushed him away saying, “I have a headache.”
“That’s why,” he says, “I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a wife and abject poverty?
Abject poverty sucks.
* * *
Why were the midget and the fat lady so deliriously happy together?
She let him try out a new wrinkle every night.
* * *
“Dave’s a really nice guy,” said Barbara to her best friend Marie. “But how could you stand been married to a quadriplegic? I mean, don’t you miss the sex?”
“Actually, I don’t. You see, Dave has an eight inch tongue.”
“Holy Shit!”
“Not only that,” said Marie, “he’s learned to breathe through his ears.”
* * *
The drunk husband didn’t make it home until 6:00 am. “You’d better,” said his wife, “have a good goddam reason for coming home at this hour.”
“I do,” he said as he sat down at the kitchen table. “Breakfast.”
* * *
Returning from WWII the GI tried to impress his eternally bitchy wife with the French he had learned. He entered the house and said, “Je t’adore!”
She said, “Shut the door yourself, you lazy asshole.”
* * *
At the bachelor party the groom’s father stood and toasted: “To my oldest son on the happiest day of his life.”