Lean Mean Thirteen

  “Yeah, but only for about twelve minutes at a time.”

  “Twelve minutes is good.”

  "We've been working up to it. And then, if you add all the twelve minutes together, you get

  a whole hour. You want an hour with Morelli, you just get him watching one of them Lethal

  Weapon movies."

  I wasn't sure I wanted an hour. My egg timer was set on twenty-two minutes. Eighteen, if

  Morelli was on his game. An hour sounded like a lot of work. And if it was divided up into

  five twelve-minute sessions, I suspected I'd need mechanical devices. Although there was no

  doubt in my mind Morelli could manage it.

  I drove Lula back to the office and dropped her at her car.

  “Looks like Joyce is parked across the street,” Lula said. "And she's got Smullen's girlfriend

  with her."

  I waved at them. “Hi,” I said.

  “Fuck you,” Joyce yelled.

  “She's in a mood,” Lula said. Most likely because it was a lot harder to pick up my trail

  now that I wasn't broadcasting.

  “Have fun tonight,” I said to Lula. “See you tomorrow.”

  I drove to my apartment with Joyce tagging along. No threat there. I wasn't going to lead

  her to anything. It was late afternoon, and I was going to have a peaceful evening at home. I'd

  call Ranger and tell him I was home with Rex and that everything was right with my world.

  Then I'd shove something frozen into the microwave, crack open a beer, and watch television.

  And Joyce could sit in my lot until her ass fell asleep. The $ million was out there somewhere,

  but I didn't care anymore. Joyce's problem, not mine. I was off the hook. I wasn't wanted for

  murder. Hooray.

  I parked, ran upstairs, and waltzed into my apartment. Nice and quiet. Not as luxurious as

  Ranger's apartment, but it was mine, and it felt like home. I gave Rex fresh water and dropped

  a small chunk of cheese into his cage.

  Something banged against my front door. I went to the peephole to look out but before I

  reached the door, there was a wrenching noise and another loud thud, and the door flew open

  and crashed against the wall.

  It was the big, bleached-blond, muscle-bound moron with the stapled balls. He rushed

  inside and grabbed me. I shrieked, and he clamped a hand to my mouth.

  “Shut up,” he said, "or I'll hit you. I'd like to do that anyway, except my boss wants you in

  one piece."

  “Why?”

  “I don't know. That's just his way.”

  “No, I mean why does he want me?”

  "My boss doesn't like people who get too nosy. And you've got a knack for being in places

  you don't belong. My boss thinks you know something."

  “Who, me? No way. I don't know anything. You could fill a room with what I don't know.” "You can tell it to my boss. He wants to talk to you. You can cooperate and walk out with

  me. Or I can stun-gun you and carry you out. Which is it?"

  One more stun gun and I was going to permanently forget half the alphabet. “I'll walk out.”

  He turned and Joyce was standing there with a gun in her hand.

  “No way, Jose,” Joyce said. "I'm following her. I saw her first. You want the money? Find

  it yourself."

  “Fuck off. And my name isn't Jose. It's Dave.”

  "I'm counting to three, Dave. If you aren't hauling ass by three, I'm going to shoot you in

  the nuts."

  “What is it with my nuts? Why's everybody picking on my nuts?”

  “One,” Joyce said.

  “You're getting on my nerves.”

  “Two.”

  “Screw this,” Dave said.

  He grabbed the barrel of the gun, the gun discharged, and Joyce shot off the top of his

  pinkie finger.

  Dead silence. We were all surprised.

  Dave looked at his shortened pinkie, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he crashed facefirst to the floor.

  “Shit, Joyce,” I said to her. “There's blood all over the hall and Dillon just did the floors.” Joyce put her boot to Dave and rolled him onto his back. 'Was his nose always flat like

  that?"

  "No. And he didn't used to have blood coming out of it either. He broke it when he fell on

  his face."

  Joyce took his hand and shoved it into his pants so he wouldn't get any more blood on the

  floor. "What do you want to do with him? We could call. Or we can put him in the elevator

  and push the button."

  “Was he alone?”

  “No. He has a partner waiting in a black BMW.”

  “We'll turn him over to the partner.”

  We dragged him to the elevator and rode him down to the ground level. Then we dragged

  him out to the parking lot, and Joyce whistled through her teeth to get the partner's attention. The BMW drove up and the partner got out and squinted down at Dave. Dave still had his

  hand rammed into his pants, and his crotch had a big bloodstain.

  “Jesus, lady,” Dave's partner said. “Goddamn.”

  "It's not as bad as it looks. Joyce wanted to shoot him in the nuts, but the gun discharged

  prematurely. Probably that happens a lot with you guys, right?"

  “What?” "Anyway, she just shot his pinkie finger off. We put his hand in his pants so he

  wouldn't bleed on the carpet/'

  “Man, that's cold.”

  “Do you need help getting him into the car?”

  Dave s partner reached inside and popped the trunk.

  “He's not dead,” I said to the partner.

  "This is a new BMW with real leather seats. I don't want him bleeding all over everything.

  He'll be fine in the trunk."

  Joyce had her gun drawn, presumably protecting her investment, which was me. Go figure,

  saved by Joyce Barn-hardt.

  “Don't try anything stupid,” Joyce said to Dave's partner. "It was disappointing to have to

  settle for a pinkie finger. I wouldn't mind getting a second chance to shoot someone's nuts

  off."

  I grabbed Dave s leg and helped wrangle him into the trunk. We closed the lid, and the

  BMW sped out of the lot.

  “So what's the deal for the rest of the day?” Joyce said. “Are you staying here?” That was the original plan, but I had a feeling Dave might come back after he got his nose

  straightened and his finger stitched up.

  “I'm going to spend the night at RangeMan,” I told Joyce.

  “Give him a tug for me,” Joyce said. And she walked to her car and took off. I ran upstairs, hung my bag on my shoulder, and

  wrapped my arms around Rex's aquarium. I carted Rex out to the Porsche. Then I ran down to the basement and told Dillon about the door and the carpet. Dillon didn't look all that surprised. It wasn't the first time he'd had to fix my door.

  FOURTEEN

  At seven o'clock, I heard the keys get tossed onto the silver tray in the hall, and seconds later, Ranger walked into the kitchen.

  “I thought you were staying in your apartment tonight,” Ranger said.

  “Change of plans.”

  He glanced at Rex on the kitchen counter. “This looks serious.”

  “Remember the guy who got his boys stapled? He came visiting. He wanted me to go for a ride with him, but I declined.”

  Ranger took two wineglasses out of the cabinet and uncorked a bottle of red. He poured two glasses and gave one to me. “What did it take to discourage him?”

  “Joyce Barnhardt with a gun. She tailed me to my apartment and saw Dave follow me into the building. That's the guy's name, Dave. She came up to check things out and decided Dave was a threat to her future earnings. So she shot the
top of his pinkie finger clear off his hand. Then Dave's partner came and loaded him into the trunk of their Beemer and drove him away. That's the short version.”

  “Go figure,” Ranger said.

  “Exactly.”

  We both sipped some wine.

  “That's not even the best part of the day,” I said to Ranger. “I stopped at Morelli's house to get some DVDs for Lula, and I walked in on Dickie.”

  “Dickie Orr?”

  “Yep. It wasn't Dickies blood in his house. The goon squad was sent to roust him, and he shot one of them in the knee and fled. Morelli has him in protective custody. He's locked away so he can live to testify against his partners, but his partners are disappearing. Smullen is confirmed dead. The police are presuming Gorvich is dead. And they can't find Petiak.”

  The doorbell buzzed and Ranger opened the door to Ella and dinner. He took the tray from her and carried it into the kitchen.

  “Have you eaten?” he asked.

  “A peanut butter sandwich at five.”

  Ella had sent grilled vegetables, pork tenderloin, and saffron rice for two.

  “Ella knew I was here?”

  “Everyone knows you're here. There aren't a lot of secrets in this building. Only the private apartments and the lavatories aren't monitored.”

  “Do they know anything about our relationship?”

  “No. And they won't ask.”

  “Not even Tank?”

  “Not even Tank.”

  “So they think we're sleeping together.”

  “Probably.” Ranger set two place settings at the breakfast bar. “Did Morelli or Dickie say anything about the money?”

  “No. Morelli said the police were investigating the law firm's client list, but he didn't say more than that. It wasn't a long visit. Lula was outside, waiting in the car.”

  We both dug into the food.

  “Did Dave say anything interesting?”

  “He said I was nosy, that I had a knack for being in places I didn't belong, and his boss didn't like it.”

  “So they were going to do what to you?”

  “Dave didn't say, but I don't think it was anything good.”

  I cleaned my plate and looked over at the tray. No dessert. Ranger never ate dessert. Another reason I couldn't marry Ranger. That and the fact he didn't see marriage as an option.

  We loaded the dishwasher, put the leftover food in the fridge, and migrated into the den to watch television.

  “Do you watch television a lot?” I asked him.

  “Almost never.” He remoted his way through the guide. “No games on tonight. Only boxing.”

  I thought about Lula's theory on bringing out the beast in a man. So far, Ranger had the beast under control. Best not to disturb that balance.

  “No boxing,” I said. “Okay, lets roll through the movies. The Terminator, Pulp Fiction, Braveheart, The Transporter, Deliverance. Any of those turn you on?”

  Where was Terms of Endearment when you needed it? “They're all sort of violent,” I said.

  “And?”

  “There must be other movies.”

  Ranger clicked through more of the guide. “Bruce Lee?”

  “Keep going.”

  “I'm not watching Jane Eyre.”

  “Okay, great, go with Bruce Lee.”

  “Maybe you'll learn something,” Ranger said.

  “Just don't get any ideas.”

  “About what?”

  “About anything.”

  Ten minutes into Bruce Lee, I sucked in some air. “Uh oh,” I said.

  The uh oh had been an inadvertent exclamation. Nature had struck at an inopportune time, placing me in an awkward position.

  Ranger looked over at me. “What?”

  “Nothing.” At least nothing I wanted to share with Ranger.

  “It s something. What is it?”

  “Cramps.”

  “Babe.”

  “I need… you know,” I said to him.

  “You don't have anything with you?”

  “I was planning on staying in my apartment. And then I left in a hurry. And I forgot until just now.”

  “Do you want me to send one of my men out for something?”

  “Would they do that?”

  “I'd have to pay him extra.”

  “Maybe Ella can help me.”

  I ran downstairs to see Ella, and ten minutes later, I was back on the couch.

  “Everything okay?” Ranger asked.

  “Yes. Ella had some.”

  Bruce Lee was kicking ass on the screen, and God knows what this was doing to Rangers libido, but I now realized nature had come through for me. What had at first seemed like an embarrassing disaster was in actuality a blessing. This was my lucky week. First Joyce, and now nature.

  Ranger slid an arm around me and nuzzled my neck. Bruce Lee was getting to him.

  “Lula has a theory that violent movies put a man in the mood,” I said to Ranger.

  “Everything puts a man in the mood,” Ranger said.

  “Good thing I got cramps, eh? I'm safe.”

  “Not from me,” Ranger said.

  Eek. “Guess again,” I told him.

  Ranger changed channels to Jane Eyre. “The two toys we found in your bag were simple transmitters. With the exception of my device, you're supposed to be clean. How did Joyce find you this afternoon?”

  “She picked me up at the bonds office.”

  I opened MY eyes and looked at the clock. Almost eight A.M. No Ranger. I checked under the covers. I was still wearing all the clothes I'd started with when I went to bed. Another night of successfully dodging the bullet. I scrambled out of bed and into the shower.

  Fd had a brilliant idea halfway through Jane Eyre. I knew how I was going to get Coglin to court to re-register. I'd have Grandma babysit his house. I got dressed in more RangeMan black and went to the kitchen to forage for breakfast. I called Ranger with a fast message while I finished my coffee.

  “I'm heading out,” I said. “I'm going to get Grandma and take her to Coglin s house. I've got the pen transmitter with me. See you later.”

  Morelli was up next.

  “What's new?” I said.

  “Unfortunately, nothing. What's new with you?”

  I told him about Dave and Joyce.

  “So I'm back at RangeMan,” I said.

  “I'm going to try to put a positive spin on this,” Morelli said. “At least I know you're safe.”

  “This morning I'm doing bounty hunter stuff,” I said. “I'm going to get Grandma to help me.”

  “So much for safe.”

  Connie was last on the list. “If I can get Coglin to the courthouse, can you get him rebonded right away?” I asked her. I can catch people, but I can't write bond. Only Connie and Vinnie can do that.

  “As long as the judge will grant bond. Lula is here. She can answer the phones. How are you going to get Coglin to the courthouse? I thought he was beaver-bombing everyone.”

  “It turns out he can't leave his house because he's waiting for the cable company.”

  “Those fuckers,” Connie said.

  “Yeah, well I'm going to have Grandma house sit for him.”

  I took the elevator to the garage and powered up the Cayenne. As I rolled out, I kept my eyes open. I was pretty sure Dave and his partner would surface at some point in the day. Without the help of a transmitter, they were going to have to make a pickup choice based on my history as they knew it. They knew I'd spent nights at RangeMan, but I was thinking between the broken nose, the stapled nuts, and the amputated pinkie finger, Dave wasn't moving so fast this morning. I probably had time to get Grandma and drop her off at Coglin's house before the bad guys were on the hunt.

  I drove three blocks, adjusted my rearview mirror, and saw the black SUV two cars back. I called Ranger.