Into the Garden

  I went up and ran the tub. While I was soaking, I heard music below. I listened for a while, imagining them either dancing closely or kissing on the sofa. Misty was so happy she had found someone she liked and whom she believed liked her. I was envious, but not jealous. Each of us deserved some good luck, I thought. I had half hoped that Stuart would have rethought it all and decided I was too important to him to just give up, even over something like this. Maybe tomorrow he would show up and tell me just that. Then I imagined Star telling me to stop being a dreamer. "You're hanging around with Misty too much," she would say.

  What kind of people don't dream, don't wish, don't live in fantasy at least once in a while, however? How droll and dreary their lives must be. Even Geraldine must have had her dreams, must have fantasized that the man she had loved, my real father, would have come by and told her she really was the one he wanted. In her mind she would have lived a fairy-tale life. How she must have resented me, the very embodiment of the death of her fantasy, the period that ended her "Once Upon a Time ..." abruptly and forever.

  It was strange how now, after her death, I was beginning to understand her more and more, and even sympathize with her. Once again, I thought that if she had been wise enough to give me the truth long ago, she and I might have become real sisters and both of us might have had some happiness together.

  The music was still playing when I got into bed. I lay there listening to it. Occasionally, I thought I could hear their muffled voices and some laughter. Then, the music stopped and it grew very quiet. I turned over, closed my eyes and soon fell asleep.

  When I rose in the morning and went down, I expected to find Chris and Misty asleep on the sofa, but they were already gone. Either they had left very late the night before or very early this morning, I thought. There were two glasses on the coffee table, both still with some orange juice. I smelled them and thought there was vodka in them as well. They had left a blanket crumbled on the sofa. I folded it and put it in the closet and then I took the glasses to the kitchen I didn't have much of an appetite so I just had a slice of toast and jam with a little juice.

  It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day. From what I could see, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and barely a breeze. I stepped out back and looked at Geraldine's grave. The rain from the night before had settled in and around it, making it more discernable. It looked like the ground had sunken some, but it also looked like some of the seeds of grass had begun to sprout. Very soon it would be covered and not so obvious, I thought.

  As I stood there, I heard the doorbell ring. For a moment I didn't move. It was far too early for Jade, and Misty surely was still sleeping. We had never spoken to Star. Who would be there this early? It rang again and again. With my heart thumping, I went back through the house and first looked through the front window. I didn't recognize the car in the driveway, but when he stepped away from the door I spotted Larry in his uniform and breathed with relief. They rang again and I went to the door as fast as I could now.

  "Sorry," I said, opening it, "I was out back."

  "You were? Why?" Star asked, her eyes wide with suspicion. She was carrying a bag of groceries.

  "Just getting air," I replied.

  "Oh, good. We brought some breakfast," she began as she stepped in.

  "Good morning, Cathy," Larry said.

  "Good morning. You brought breakfast?"

  "Yes. Larry and I spent the night up the coast, but neither of us was hungry when we woke up, so I thought we'd buy some fresh bagels and stuff and stop here on the way home. I figured you might be alone or is someone else here?" she asked with an impish grin.

  I was reminded that she didn't know what had happened the day before.

  "No, I'm alone." I said.

  "Mind if I turn on the television?" Larry asked.

  "No. Go ahead," I told him, and he went into the living room. Star and I went to the kitchen.

  Before I could even begin to tell her what had happened, she put down her bag of groceries and hugged me.

  "Oh, Cat," she cried, "I have so much to tell you. I really do think my luck has changed."

  Without taking a breath, she continued.

  "I never really believed in that love-at-firstsight stuff. Movies are movies, but in real life, people are lucky if they fall in love after being together for years and years. I mean, who in her right mind except some soap opera freak is going to believe that you look at someone who looks at you and in that moment your heart flutters and your blood races and you just can't wait to throw yourself into his arms forever and ever? Huh?"

  Me, I wanted to say, but I was afraid to say or do anything that might slow down her train.

  "But that's exactly what's happened here, Cat. You remember what I told you girls when I set eyes on Larry's picture, right? Already, something was happening to me. I didn't want to make all that big a deal of it. How many times has myma'ama been in love? Every man she started with after my daddy took off was the perfect new man, her knight in shining armor, each of which turned out to be a

  disappointment in shining tin foil." She shook her head in disgust.

  "So when it comes to believing in anyone, especially a man who drapes all these promises over you like some expensive furs, I said to myself, that will never happen to me. If I ever marry, it won't be for some glass of foam called love. It will be sensible and then, maybe someday, I'd look at my man and think, we have something, right?

  "Wrong," she said before I could even nod. She finally took a big breath and then smiled and pressed her hands to her breast and gazed up at the ceiling. "Larry and I, we have something akin to magic, Cat. You know how you get comfortable when you settle yourself in a nice warm bath. I don't mean one of Jade's fancy smelly baths, but just an ordinary, warm tub?"

  "Yes," I said.

  "Well, every time I'm with him, all the time I'm with him, I feel that way. I feel ... comfortable and warm, and most important of all, Cat. I feel safe. Oh, I know what Jade's going to say," she added quickly, making a sour face. "She's going to tell you all that I fell in love with a uniform, that the uniform makes me feel safe, but believe me, Cat," she interjected with a soft, coy smile, "I've been with him when he's out of his uniform and it doesn't change a thing In fact, I feel it all more. Understand?"

  "Yes," I said.

  "Good. I knew you would. Of all of us, I knew you'd be the one to understand first and best," she told me. "Now here's the good part," she continued, pulling a chair out and sitting, "Larry and I haven't just been pawing over each other these past twentyfour hours. We've been thinking and talking and planning sensibly. I'm going to finish high school and he's finishing up his stint in the army and getting all his training. He's already got a good job lined up with his cousin, and what we're going to do is get married right after I graduate and he's out of the army. The most wonderful thing of all is he wants us to take Rodney in with us, too. It would lift some burden off Granny who, as you know, isn't exactly healthy and strong enough to raise another family. These are years she should be enjoying without daily worries. Larry sees that, believes that. He's as good as he is handsome, and I do believe he loves me more than any man will," she concluded.

  She waited a moment for my reaction.

  "Wow," I said. "It does sound great, Star. I'm happy for you."

  "Right," she said. "You can consider me engaged, even though he hasn't gotten me a ring yet. He will real soon and then maybe, we'll have an engagement party, huh? We could even have it right here!"

  I nodded, but I didn't look as enthusiastic as she would have liked.

  "What's wrong?" she finally asked.

  "Something's happened, hasn't it?"

  "Yes," I said. I sat, too.

  Star waited patiently, but she read my face and nodded. "Something to do with Stuart, huh?"

  "I'm sorry," I said. "Everyone was right. He got cold feet right after you all left yesterday. He wanted me to call the police and confess what we did, and he said he couldn
't help us and get involved. He did promise he wouldn't tell anyone though," I added.

  "Sure," she said.

  "I can't blame him, Star. He was worried about his mother and his little brother."

  She raised her eyebrows at that.

  "You know his father died and he feels he bears responsibilities for them."

  "Maybe," she said, nodding. "Okay, so we don't really need him anyhow. If he keeps his trap shut, we'll be all right." She thought a moment and then looked up. "Did Misty go through with the plan anyway?"

  "Yes."

  "Who drove?"

  "I did and we went to the hospital and back. She sat in the chair by the window."

  "Think your father saw it all?"

  "I don't know. He hasn't called again."

  "Then it worked," she concluded.

  "I hope so, but we don't know for sure that he was out there watching. Jade's called a meeting tonight."

  "Tonight? What time?"

  "I don't know. Around dinner, I guess," I said.

  "It's Larry's last night here. We're planning on going to a nice dinner somewhere special," she moaned.

  "Oh. Well, maybe we can get Jade here earlier then."

  "Yeah. That's what we'll do. I'll make her come about three, even if I have to go over there and drag her over."

  "I'm sorry, Star. I don't want to make anything difficult for you."

  "No, no," she said, shaking her head. "We're all in this together. There won't be a problem," she assured me with a smile. Then she stood. "Let's make some breakfast."

  "I already ate, but I'll have coffee with you."

  "Good." She turned and went to work while I sat there hating myself for being the one OWP with the most serious and troubling problems. All I could do was make things more difficult for them and ruin their chances at happiness. Soon, I thought, they'll all hate me as well.

  .

  When Larry came to the table, he and Star did seem like the most lovey-dovey couple I had ever seen. They were unable to keep their hands off each other. If she would get close enough to him for him to lean over and kiss her, he would, and when they handed each other things, their fingers lingered around each other's and their eyes locked on each other's eyes. I almost felt like I was intruding just being at the same table. They talked about their future as if they were alone. Larry was planning on flying Star to Germany during the holidays this coming year.

  Finally, they looked at me as if they just realized I was there, too. Star laughed about it, but Larry looked embarrassed. Afterward, she and I cleaned up the kitchen and he returned to the living room to watch TV.

  "I'm going to have a nice church wedding," she told me. "His parents would want that, and I'm not going to invite Ma'ama," she added firmly. "If she came, she would only ruin it, and that's one event, she isn't going to ruin, no ma'am."

  "What if she comes anyway?" I asked.

  She thought a moment and shook her head.

  "She won't. I'm not about to tell her either. Besides, she's gone again and maybe for good this time. Even Granny hopes so, and she's her daughter. She just thinks it's best for everyone all around."

  "That's sad," I said.

  "It's not Granny's fault. She did what she could to bring her up right. Some people," Star said, turning to me, "are just bad inside, Cat. They're like spoiled apples. If you keep cutting out the rotten parts, you'll end up with nothing but some seeds. It's not worth the effort. Shine the good ones," she advised, and then she stopped and smiled and hugged me.

  "Thanks. I've got to go home for a while, but I'll be back with the others at three. I'll take care of Jade myself," she promised.

  Larry said goodbye. He didn't think he would see me again before he left for Germany. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug and said he looked forward to when we would all be together again. I watched them leave, feeling both sad and happy at the same time. Larry certainly appeared to have put the joy back into Star. I couldn't recall a time when she looked more radiant and alive. I was happy for her, but I also knew that some day she and Larry would be off and we'd probably drift far apart.

  As if Geraldine's spirit slipped into me, I looked with critical eyes at the house right after they left. Maybe to keep myself occupied and not think of things that would make me tremble inside, I decided to vacuum and dust and wash the kitchen floor. As I worked, I imagined her beside me urging me to use more elbow grease or to concentrate on what I was doing. Whenever I completed something, I considered how Geraldine would react, and occasionally, I would go back and either polish, dust or vacuum the same spot over again.

  After housecleaning, I started on clothes, I set the machine and turned my attention to the

  refrigerator. If the girls were here and saw me, I knew they would think I had gone mad, but the more I worked, the more I found to do. It seemed an easy way to pass the time and for the first time I considered that this might have been the very reason Geraldine had made the house her whole world. Maybe it was the only time she didn't feel lonely and defeated by her life.

  These thoughts brought back images of her I had stored in a different place in my memory. In them I saw her sitting and staring out the window or standing alone in the backyard and looking west toward the ocean, as if she could see something way out there that had caught her interest and longing. I saw her pausing over some vase or some otherwise meaningless artifact and turning it around in her fingers as if she had found a valuable jewel. Never once did I think it might hold some cherished memory for her. All I thought was she was inspecting it for a smudge or dust.

  All I had learned about her and myself had served only to make her more of a stranger. And yet, I wondered what her life would have been like without me. I recalled the day I had forced her to tell me about my adoption. She had told only a partial truth. She left me believing I was her half sister, that we shared the same mother, when all the while she knew she had been adopted as well and we had no blood

  relationship. Yet, she wanted me to believe we had. Surely that must have meant she wanted me to believe we were still close in a way. She wasn't ready to tear us completely apart. Could it be that she needed me after all? That even in her meanest, most insensitive moments, she needed me?

  Loneliness was another kind of starvation. With no love, no friendship to feed her soul, Geraldine withered away inside herself. Her spirit had died long before her body. Surely this was why she didn't try to get the medical attention she knew in her heart she needed, and de- pended entirely on her herbal remedies even when they weren't really working.

  Eventually Geraldine had become just another shadow sliding along the darkened walls of our home, shying away from the sunshine, from anything bright and warm, retreating from the sound of other voices, blocking out smiles like some vampire terrified of the illumination which would only, in the end, destroy her.

  Her heart ran out like an old clock. She made no attempt to wind it or restore its batteries. She finally welcomed the silence, the stilled hands. She turned to reach back for her lost spirit and joined it in whatever place she was destined to rest forever and ever.

  With every wipe of the cloth, every spray of the disinfectant and dip into the detergent, I stopped hating her a little more. For a few moments in time, I had become her and I understood her, and just as she had, I hated what had created the creature she had become.

  All these thoughts exhausted me more than the actual work had. I made my way back upstairs to rest a while and then freshen up for our OWP meeting. For an hour or so, I dozed on and off, finally waking to what I was sure was the sound of footsteps below. I looked at the clock. It was only one-thirty. Perhaps Misty had decided to come earlier, I thought.

  I rose, washed my face, and fixed my hair, straightened my blouse and skirt and then made my way downstairs. We had so much to talk about now, so much to do and decide. In many ways this was the most important meeting of all, I thought, and I was anxious to get it started.

  When I descended t
he stairs, however, I didn't find anyone in the house. It was quiet and nothing had been disturbed in the kitchen. How strange, I thought. I guessed I had imagined the footsteps. There was still a good hour and a half before the girls were supposed to arrive anyway. Then, I heard the sound of footsteps again, but this time, they were coming from the stairs. I held my breath a moment and listened hard. Yes, the stairs creaked. My eyes went to the back door. I had forgotten to lock it after I had rushed in to greet Star and Larry.

  I felt like there was a small fire in my chest, the flames licking at my heart, and the feeling melting my breath until I actually had pain in my lungs. Trembling, I made my way back into the hallway and looked at the stairs. My father had just turned into the corridor. He stood there, smiling at me.

  "What have you been up to, Cathy?" he asked

  I didn't think I was capable of getting the words out, but they came rushing up, regurgitated out of my heart.

  "You're not supposed to be in here. You better get out now," I said.

  His smile widened.

  "Let's you and I have a quiet little talk first, Cathy. Come along," he beckoned with those long, spidery fingers of his. "In the living room, the much changed living room," he added, still smiling.

  His face looked thinner, darker, the lines deeper, and his eyes seemed vacant and filled with shadows. He wore one of his black sports jackets, but he didn't have a tie on and his jacket and pants looked creased enough for someone to believe he might have slept in them. I hadn't noticed how long and stringy his hair was when I saw him on the beach that afternoon. I had been too shocked by his sudden appearance, and he had been standing with the sun blazing behind him, his face shadowed. This disheveled appearance was very unlike him. Usually, he was immaculately dressed. It frightened me even more to see him like this.

  "I'd advise you to come in and sit with me, Cathy," he followed, his voice full of a heavy threat.