“She’s yours,” he says. “It’s as simple as that.”
“Will you ever forgive me for all of the pain?” I ask.
He sits beside me and places his hand on my leg. “When will you understand the depth of my love for you? ‘If I go up to the heavens, you are there … if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.’ There is nothing to forgive. I want your forgiveness for not finding you sooner, for not knowing without a shadow of a doubt that Nico had taken you. I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself for that, and I don’t blame you if you can’t forgive me either.”
“I would never hold that against you. I’m surprised you haven’t moved on and found someone else by now. A man like you … you deserve the whole world.”
A shadow moves across his eyes and my mouth drops. “You’re with someone else, aren’t you?” I’d put it out of my mind, seeing him with Stella. It hurt too much to survive and think about that too, so I’d categorized it in a box and put it somewhere far, far away from my heart.
“No, there’s no one else,” he says. “Stella tried, but I’ve never felt the same.” He leans back, breaking eye contact with me. “She sort of took over my apartment for the last couple of months, saying her house was being worked on. I slept in the living room.”
He looks at me with pain in his eyes and I wait.
“She was working with Nico.” He swallows hard. “I’m not sure if she ever felt anything for me or if she was just sent to distract me from finding you. I’m pretty sure it was the latter. I will never forgive myself for not finding you, Lili. I tried but I didn’t try hard enough.”
I put my hand on his lips. “Stop. Nico had a lot of help keeping me hidden. You thought I was long gone and then found out I was married. I’ve never deserved you and I don’t now. If you need to take time to sort some things out, I completely understand that, too. I don’t want you to feel obligated in any—”
He leans over until his forehead touches mine. “I’ve never felt obligated to love you, Lili. I just do.”
“I love you, too.” I say it boldly and honestly and from the bottom of my heart. If I’m going to say these words to him for the first time, he’s going to hear it loud and clear and know that I mean it.
His eyes get watery and his hand clutches my jaw, bringing my lips to his.
“Say it again,” he says against my mouth.
“I love you. I love you so much.”
Our kiss feels like saltwater and sunshine and blood and pain and bliss, culminating in two hearts finally syncing up to the same heartbeat. Believing. To believe in love is to accept it, to be sure of it. I finally believe.
He wants me to rest. I want to rid myself of all memories of Nico and remind every crevice in my body of Soti’s place there. I win. I first explore his body with abandon, taking every wish I’d been too timid to explore with him before and discovering him again like it’s the first time. I think I’d love him even if he weren’t so beautiful, because of his heart, but his body is miraculous. A dream. I will never tire of looking at him, touching him, reminding myself that he is mine and I am his.
He cries out when he sees all my scars, the anguish covering his face as his fingertips brush over them all.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s over,” I tell him.
His touch awakens every cell in me, and that alone makes me in awe of him. That someone could make me desire him and make this feel brand new. I drink him in. My heart bleeds him and only him. I can’t get enough.
“Say. It. Again,” he says. His hair falls forward and I clutch it in both fists.
“I. Love. You.” My hips rise to meet his with each word, and my eyes close even though I want to watch his face as he falls apart.
“Look at me,” he groans.
I force my eyes open and when he falls, so do I.
“I love you, Lili,” he roars.
Later we laugh about how loud we were. Astra slept right through it. The guards might have gotten an earful, but hopefully soon we’ll never have to see them again.
“It’s a lot more freeing in this huge house overlooking the ocean than it was at the community center, isn’t it,” Soti says as he gets up to go to the bathroom.
I watch him walk away and can’t wipe the grin off my face.
“I couldn’t have faced Miss Jez in the morning if she’d heard me scream like that,” I admit, laughing.
I turn over and sit up, catching a glimpse of my face in the mirror. I look like a different person. Too thin and older, but my eyes look honest and peaceful.
Soti walks back in and sits beside me, looking at both our faces in the mirror. He crosses his eyes and sticks out his tongue after a while, making me laugh. I do the same.
“Is it too soon to ask you to marry me again?” he asks.
EPILOGUE
LILITH
A good husband is one you’d marry again.
A FEW WEEKS LATER
This time we get married in our backyard, barefoot in the sand, and with all our friends cheering us on. Well, Zed was left to run the community center. He said it was the least he could do for us. But everyone else is here and we have had two days of non-stop festivities. Astra is drunk on all the attention from JT, Miss Jez, Miss Christine, and Jennie, and I’m drunk on Soti.
Something changed for me in that cabin. Some might say killing a man does that, but I think it was before that. Knowing I might die in the middle of nowhere and leave my child without a mother … maybe I had to get to that point before knowing it was up to me to change the course of my life. Maybe I could’ve stood up to my mother when I was fifteen or sixteen and not led the same kind of life. Maybe I could’ve gotten away from Nico if I’d tried harder and more often. I’ll never know. All I know is I saw the next best opportunity I was given and I took it.
And if my mother shows up one day, demanding anything of me, I’ll take that opportunity, too. I’ll know what to do when the time comes—not that I’ll have to—she’s going to be stuck in a prison cell for decades. I don’t even feel sorry for her. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not ashamed anymore. A life without guilt gets better every day.
After we put Astra to bed and everyone says their goodbyes, Soti and I take our sticks to the patio. A brick firepit and grill with built-in couches and plush cushions are a huge departure from the gas stove up above the community center. The marshmallows are already by the fire and the baby monitor is turned up as high as it will go. From every angle, inside or out, you can see mountains and the ocean. I am still pinching myself that we live here. It feels like home.
We’ll eventually go back to New Orleans for a visit, maybe even have another place there someday, but I’m not ready yet. And the beautiful thing is we have plenty of time to figure it out.
“Dance with me first?” Soti asks.
“Always.”
We set our roasting sticks aside and dance until the sun goes down. The firelight flickers and I shiver.
“I’ll put another log on the fire.”
“No, it’s just right for your scaredy-cat marshmallows,” I tell him.
He lowers his head and gives me his fake glare that doesn’t instill an ounce of fear in me. I lift one eyebrow, daring him to argue, which sometimes does instill fear in him, but not tonight. I’m biting the side of my cheek too hard to keep from laughing and he knows it.
“Just because you want to char your insides doesn’t mean my perfectly roasted marshmallows are chicken,” he says, putting his marshmallow on the stick.
I gobble and squawk while I get my marshmallow ready.
He tosses a marshmallow and it bounces off my nose. I start laughing and throw a handful at him, none of them touching him.
“Ugh!” I keep trying and missing.
He cracks up and manages to nail me with every one he throws. I laugh until I hurt and he goes still.
“Happiness is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on you,” he says.
He grabs my arm and pulls me to his che
st, his giant hand on my face making me feel cherished. His lips brush mine and my heart dives to my bare feet. I am so in love with him, and this time, it’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay, it’s heaven.
“Race you to our bed?” I ask, backing up with his hands clasped tightly in mine.
“I’d follow you anywhere.”
Hosea and Gomer
The story of Hosea and Gomer in the Bible has always fascinated me. God told Hosea to go marry a whore (Hosea 1:2, The Message) and he did. She even went back to her old ways after they got married and still Hosea went back for her. There’s not enough about it in the Bible to satisfy my curiosity, so I had to get a little creative with my modern-day version.
For a while, I had sections of Hosea and Gomer’s “story” in here, too. I decided to cut those sections and focus on Soti and Lili, but the common thread is still there: a story of redemption and unconditional love.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to my husband and kids for being the best people I know. I love you so much it hurts.
To my sweetest daddy for loving me in spite of these books I write!
To Tosha, Ashleigh, and Courtney, for the daily love, motivation, and for being the rocks I’ve always needed. We’re in this together, forever.
To Marie Piquette and Traci Finlay for your editing expertise. Love you both dearly.
To Blade with all my love. You continually surprise me.
To Christine Estevez—you went above and beyond for this one. I can’t thank you enough. XO
To Darla and Priscilla, thanks for asking to be prostitutes! You made it so much easier for me. :) Also, thank you for being The Vault that I treasure every single day. Love you. I know.
To Christine Maree, there are too many things to thank you for, but for now I’ll say thank you for helping me believe I could and should finish this book. I’ll text you the other volumes.
To Jesse—I’m so glad you’re back in my life! Love you.
To Savita for always loving me, long before the books.
To my pastor, Mick Friend, who came into church dressed like a homeless person and talked about some of the same things Soti does. Thanks for letting me talk about it in this book and inspiring me to always love everyone, no matter what. I can’t tell you how much it means that you support my writing the way you do.
To Claire Contreras … you make my days brighter. Thank you for the endless conversations about finishing this one. Finally!
To the many bloggers out there who have contributed your time to read and help promote my books. I don’t have enough words to thank you enough. I’m so grateful for you!
To the readers who keep reading my books—I still pinch myself. Thank you!
To all the beautiful Indie authors, it’s an honor to do this with you.
To Steve and Jill … thanks, Steve, for your input on the cover, and Jill, thanks for selling my books in Spoils of Wear! Also, I love you.
Special thanks to Terrijo, Kell, Maria, Soreonne, Cat Porter, and MJ for the extra love, always.
To the Asters, all of you. Thank you for putting up with me! Some of you probably noticed your name in the book, hope you don’t mind. xo
To Tarryn. I think we’ll be old and NOT grey, and still discussing our love for books and how we can improve our writing. There’s no one I’d rather hash it out with than you. Thanks for pushing this one extra just when I needed it.
About the Author
Willow Aster lives in Minnesota with her husband and two kids. When she’s not writing, she’s doing music with her family and searching Craigslist for a tour bus.
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[email protected] Also by Willow Aster
True Love Story
In the Fields
Maybe Maby
Fade to Red
Willow Aster, Whore
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