Today's Edition
loyal duty to step up and add yourself to it. Likewise, if you were intending on joining a queue that already numbers twenty-five citizens, you should leave well enough alone. No one wants to hear anyone complain that he or she does not need another chest X-ray or that they must grab a bite to eat or they will surely faint. Adhering to these guidelines is your patriotic duty. Nothing more, nothing less. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's (TM) Steppods (TM)!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaane!!
And now for some public service announcements.
A faulty water main in X sector is causing flooding conditions in the transtube, most notably between departments X-6 through X-11. Citizens should be on the lookout for leaks and rushing torrents of water. Buckets are being provided free of charge in the Jay S. Bybee Plaza X-7 sector.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's (TM) Steppods (TM)!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaane!!
The Color of the Patriot is teel.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
Instead of our top stories this weekstretch, we at Today's Edition (TM) have decided to fulfill our patriotic duty and pay tribute to some of the Bunker's fallen warriors, loyal citizens who were struck down in their prime by terrorists and social deviants, dangerous miscreants cowardly hiding in our very midst. The men and women over at Control – those wise and caring coordinators of the Bunker's economy and the strictest guardians against environmental excess – have been forced against their will to enter into this epic struggle. Despite their gentle nature, however, their efforts, supported by our own, have proved a complete success. Today, we stand on the verge of total victory against the forces of darkness and despair. As wearying as the conflict may seem, let the burden be eased and our hearts uplifted by the certain knowledge that a new era of peace and harmony will shortly dawn in our corridors and reign there forever.
Until that daystretch, however, we must remain inflexible in our resolve and vigilant in the execution of our duties. That some of us must give up our lives even as we stand on the very cusp of salvation is an unfortunate reality, and one that we do not take lightly. That is why we seek to honor the fallen, that we may remember those of our friends and neighbors – servants of all that is good and wholesome – who have made the ultimate sacrifice in the struggle against the treacherous forces of chaos and evil.
First, we would like to bring to your attention the case of Josselyn Tux, that valiant trash collector in P&L's Recycling and Reclamation division. She was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after uncovering a terrible plot to prevent citizens in C and D sectors from divesting themselves of their garbage. Imagine the unsanitary conditions that would have prevailed! Consider the awful smell! Citizen Josselyn is an example to us all. Unfortunately, a mere three daystretches after the award, her body was found in the trash compactor, mangled and cut into pieces.
Then there is the case of Pablo Iannotti, once the Bunker's dutiful servant in Central Management's Bureau of Statistics division. He was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after he singlehandedly spoiled an ongoing conspiracy to sabotage the official forms made available to citizens everywhere on their portal on X.net. These forms looked and read like the originals, but upon submission the malware secretly contained within maliciously erased the entries. The Bureau of Statistics would have been inundated with blank, useless forms! The administrative apparatus would have ground to a halt! Citizen Pablo is no doubt an example to us all. Unfortunately, a mere daystretch after his award, citizen Pablo experienced a bout of catastrophic organ failure, induced by a designer poison slipped unbeknownst to him into his afternoon meal.
Lastly, we should not neglect to mention citizen Alice Vanderdonk, an expert in unrestricted grammars in Developmental Engineering's Computational Intelligence division. She was awarded Fifteen Minutes of Fame after she deduced – and subsequently proved in a brilliant scientific paper – that for every treasonous behavior, there exists a non-deterministic correcting machine capable of negating it. Citizen Alice serves as an example to us all. Unfortunately, several hourstretches after her award, she disappeared without a trace on her way to pay a visit to a colleague, the Bunker's leading expert in superacids.
Thank you for your careful attention as we have paid homage to a few of the Bunker's unsung heroes. Due to the solemn nature of this weekstretch's installment of Today's Edition (TM), there will be no paid advertisements or public announcements of any kind. We feel their presence would be entirely inappropriate, not to mention in bad taste.
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Fifteen Minutes of Fame is Control's special reward for those of us who have performed some daring service in the battle against social deviancy or otherwise gone above and beyond the normal call of duty. The Bunker has hundreds of thousands of inhabitants. It is therefore not always possible to celebrate each and every example of personal bravery. Still, even if you feel that you have been unduly overlooked, it is no reason to resent your neighbor when he or she is selected for this cherished form of public recognition. Jealousy has no place in a loyal citizen's thoughts, especially for someone held out to the rest of us as a shining example of honor and virtue. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
The Color of the Patriot is tempting.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
We here at Today's Edition (TM) are proud to announce that absolutely nothing of note happened last weekstretch. You heard us correctly! The struggle against treason has virtually been won. Although we cannot yet declare final victory, it is surely a clear sign of our impending triumph when the social deviants are unable to mount a single, credible attack during the course of an entire weekstretch. However, do not be fooled, citizens. The terrorists are still out there, and they are still single-mindedly bent on undermining and destroying our happy utopia. Fortunately, it is their annihilation that is all but assured, not our own.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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In other news, Epsilon clearance citizen Marsha Wong, a site manager in H&C assigned to H-11 sector, stands accused by one of her field organizers, Epsilon clearance citizen Hillary Binzer, of cowardice in the face of the enemy and defeatism. The charges stem from the discovery of an entrance into a hidden terrorist sanctuary during one of citizen Hillary's demolition assignments. Obscured by a vending machine and set behind an illegal poster of that heinous criminal and indiscriminate slayer of Wards of the State, Barney Max, a small portal allegedly led to an underground tunnel. Unfortunately, where exactly it terminated is now impossible to determine, as citizen Marsha subsequently ordered a demolitions team to destroy it. A full investigation of the mysterious tunnel is now all but impossible.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Does it look like you're wearing a shirt and trousers even when you're naked? Well, if you have a Delta clearance or better and you can afford the considerable cost, consider this an invitation to come on down to Lucinda's Pedigree, an exclusive boutique in C-6 sector. There, you will be strapped in by beautiful sex toys of your choice and treated to a delightful treatment of electrolysis. When you finally regain consciousness, you will be relieved to find that all your pesky hair has been permanently removed. Lucinda's Pedigree. “We care about your hairy back or female moustache problem.”
We would now like to draw y
our attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Farting, the release of that noxious gas from our rear ends, cannot be helped nor should it be repressed for lengthy periods. It is a natural occurrence and an integral part of our digestion. However, there is a time and a place for everything. Certainly, the various sounds that accompany a fart may be construed as amusing – most especially by the person who made it – but for everyone else the experience is hardly a pleasant one. The Bunker maintains a sterile, hygienic environment. Most of us are therefore unused to vile odors wafting through the air. In fact, the smell of flatulence is particularly repugnant. If you feel the need to fart, please retire in a timely fashion to an out-of-the-way location. If there is no such opportunity, you are asked to refrain from blaming it on the person standing next to you. Own up to your stink. It's the decent thing to do. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now for some public service announcements.
Jallison Kamgee – singer, songwriter, philosopher, teacher, and friend to us all – will be performing this weekstretch in costume at the Live Free or Die! Gala along with other transgender entertainers at the Koch