Cryptikon Far Freedom Part 2

she stood with eyes squeezed shut.

  Alex considered the tactical situation. Zakiya only seemed vulnerable at this moment. He had heard how lethal she could become if provoked. Now he also knew she could give a subvocal command by shiplink to make him unconscious. He had never seriously considered any physical attack on her, and still did not. Strategically, however, she might be vulnerable emotionally. He had studied all he could discover of her recent history, knowing his path forward would need to pass through her. Her story was that of a woman capable of deep feelings and generous affection. That was her only weakness. He knew he had an advantage, in that he was the one person to whom she wanted most to give her affection. He had as yet no clear idea how that could help his ambition. He had no idea how he could control his anger for the long time he would need to find a way around Zakiya. So soon after recovering from another painful death, Alexandros Gerakis already felt the rage against the barbarians surging in his heart and mind. This dead child added greatly to his rage.

  And now, standing close to this incredibly deep and talented and beautiful woman, experiencing her with all of his senses, even to some extent empathizing with her emotional turmoil, if he could be brutally honest with himself, he knew he had a weakness she could exploit, should she discover it. He wanted her, simply wanted her, if only because he knew he could never really have her. That self-admission shook his confidence. It was tantamount to admitting defeat! Was humility of any use in this situation? Could he lie to himself and continue to move ahead? The ship, this magnificent ship! And I, poisoned by desire!

  "No, it's a gentle creature," she finally said, letting him hold her injured hands. "It sometimes needs to dissipate heat."

  "It isn't large enough to be a gatekeeper." Her hands are trembling and there are tears in her eyes! Either she is in great pain, or am I the cause?

  "It's a child," she said. "It's the child of a gatekeeper. It's a machine. An AMI. That's what gatekeepers are."

  "It isn't Shorty?"

  "I think it's Shorty's child."

  How did she know what it was? Where did it go? How can such a small amorphous thing be sentient? Alex was at a loss to place this mystery into his strategic data. He could sense the flow of things turning against him, as if he had asked one question too many and some psychotic Fleet officer had identified him as the Questioner.

  "Is this why you came here?" he asked uncertainly. He looked down at their hands.

  "Yes, Alex. But I didn't know the child was here, inside of Sammy." She pulled her hands away from his but put them lightly on his forearms. She looked up into his eyes.

  "What now?" He could think of nothing else to say.

  "Now we say good-bye, Alex."

  He was not only shocked by her words, he was twisted, blunted, subdued, and haunted by them. Whether her words implied oblivion for himself hardly mattered. What mattered was that the woman he wanted did not want him. What mattered was that the words implied he had no worth, that all he had suffered in barbarian space had been judged worthless! He also felt totally helpless, knowing there was only one possible escape from death, which was yet another kind of death. The Questioner must die, but who would take his place? Who would take over his duties, his war, and his rage?

  Alex went down on his knees, choosing a fake humility, adapting to the situation as if he were dealing with someone he could trick. He was desperate. Perhaps he could learn to feel something besides rage or desire. Koji seemed to have won some of their trust. Did Koji have correct feelings now? He envied Koji. How could Zakiya judge him to be of so little use, of so little respect? And what of the mission to rescue this person named Petros, who was another child to whom he was a worthless father?

  "Please, put me back where you found me," Alex asked.

  He knew how much she wanted that locked-away part of him. He would try to steer a path around her will, carefully offering her hope that he could be salvaged. He just needed more time, and less rage, and less desire.

  "Yes, that I will do," she said.

  He looked up at her and tried to perceive her mood and purpose, but perceived nothing. Why was he not already unconscious, dropped into darkness by a single command to her shiplink? He did feel humility. She was so much greater than he was, he could almost worship her. She placed her injured hand gently on his temple and let it slide downward, across his ear and to the side of his neck. He knew how that soft touch should make him feel and he was almost angry that he could feel nothing, only the hope that she still cared enough to not eject him completely from her life… and from her magnificent ship.

  "Kiss me," she ordered, but in such a nuanced way that it seemed to offer him hope.

  He would have hesitated, being the ultimate paranoid. Desperation and simple physiology - he was, after all, a physically young man again - made him reckless. A kiss from her was like a life-line thrown out to a man drifting in space. She leaned over, hands on each side of his neck, and gently pressed her lips against his. He expected oblivion yet remained alive. He concentrated on the kiss, trying to find some way to fake passion, or at least to reciprocate satisfying pleasure. There was warmth, softness, moisture, pleasure beyond what he expected.

  Alex jerked involuntarily, animated by a small prick of pain on one side of his neck. She clamped her hands around his neck and shoved. They toppled onto the floor, and even though he struggled, she was too strong at the critical moment. Before he could react with an effective combat strategy, his body went numb and he could no longer make himself move.

  [I'm sorry, but I must talk to you,] it thought.

  {Who?} he thought.

  [My name is Samson.]

  {The dead child? Sammy?}

  [I think I am, yes, mostly Sammy.]

  {How can you be?}

  [I can't tell you and I'm scared! Mom wants me to hurry.]

  {What do you want?}

  [I want you to love her.]

  {I'm sorry, Sammy. I can't!}

  [Let me try to help you. Let me look for the real you.]

  {I'm lost! I don't want you to find me! Go away!}

  [Please! I need a dad. You need Mom.]

  {NO! No! No. Oh, God in heaven! How can I leave her?}

  The last hatch sealed between them. The image of her face, dwelt upon by his hungry eyes until they blurred, would begin to fade now. The ache, the great ACHE, it carved away his heart and left a black hole for hope at his center. He would never see her again. He would never see her again! He had lied to her about the length of time it would take to find the enemy and learn what they needed to learn. Time, cruel time, would now eat away at his memory and eat his soul, leaving him with no image of her, no vital feelings for her, perhaps not even a grave marker to stumble upon.

  He turned to Setek-Ren, and must have appeared so stricken that Setek had to embrace him and comfort him. Setek-Ren: for whom this was not in his nature.

  "She is an extraordinary person," Setek said. "I wish you had married her first, so that you would not be so cheated of time with her."

  "How this must hurt her!" Alex cried, breaking his embrace with his old friend. "I hope she doesn't love me as much as I love her, so her pain will be less. How can I survive this?"

  "With work. We have years, perhaps decades of work ahead of us. The harder we work, the sooner you will see her again."

  "I don't think I will ever see her again. I can't help thinking that. I can't see how I'll be able to function, with Zakiya always on my mind. You have to help me. I must hide her away, save her for my dying day."

  "Pat and I will work on it. It may be useful for all of us. I'll confess that, having seen Aylis again, I'm preoccupied with thoughts of her. If we are ever captured, our memories will endanger those we have left behind."

  "I just want to come home to her in one piece. I'm a soft old man who only wants a place to call home and a woman to love me. Zakiya."

  /

  She felt him relax and begin to breathe again. Sammy came back to her, crossing from Alex's
neck to her wrist, less painful this time. Sammy went to sleep inside her, feeling safe and tired. She sat on the deck next to Alex, holding him, gently caressing him. He opened his eyes. He smiled. She remembered that smile, half boyish, half roguish, and it thrilled her! Nervously she touched his face, seeking some confirmation that Sammy had changed him permanently, that the heartless assassin of barbarians was dead or dying and Alexandros Gerakis lived again. She had experienced his first retrieved memory with him, connected through Sammy, and could still feel his towering love for her and the deep despair that was a lethal catalyst for exiling his true self. Probably it was a memory exaggerated by later loneliness and introspection but she was deeply moved by the experience. She could only hope to be worthy of such affection.

  Mai returned and stepped around them to put Sammy's body away. Aylis and Koji entered the hospital morgue. Koji knelt beside Alex and gripped his shoulder. Zakiya saw Alex wince in pain, but not from Koji's grasp.

  "Oh, no!" Alex cried out in misery. "No. No. No!"

  He wept. Koji looked at Zakiya for explanation.

  "He remembers," she said.

  "The old memories?" Koji asked her.

  "Yes. I think he realizes now the horror of what he did."

  She brushed Alex's face with the back of her fingers. He tried to turn away from her.

  "He lost his honor and his righteousness," Koji said. "Such loss is a disease spread by violence. I wish I could have my honor again. I wish I could remember!"

  "I think I