Vampire's Soul

  The house servant darted a look at Lyssa, but then bowed her head and disappeared, he supposed to comply. He tried to ignore the weighted silence and focused on his plate. Go back to talking to each other. Ignore me, ignore us...

  He didn't get his wish.

  "I assume it's because you're a made vampire that your digestive tract can handle greater quantities of food," Carola observed.

  The born vampire condescension was evident as a wart would be on her pert nose, but Cai expected nothing less. He ignored the anxiety growing legs inside his stomach, an echo of what he'd felt at the doorway. If he succumbed to that pansy-assed behavior in front of them, he'd stake himself.

  "Hell, no. I just throw it up later. That's the key. Eating's only problematic if you eat too much and wait for it to digest. That's a train that's not coming for us vamps, right? I once ate a whole shepherd's pie because I was missing the damn things so much. That's how I figured it out."

  Mason was regarding him with fascination. Cai saw his female servant hide a smile. Cai liked her more for that.

  Lyssa had an unreadable expression, while Helga and Carola looked less than friendly. Yeah, Jacob had warned him. He needed to tone it down.

  You think?

  Ssh. Be a good servant. Stay. Play statue.

  Rand had such an interesting way of thinking Fuck off at him without actually saying the words. It was more of a feeling, a push.

  "Um, thanks," he told the house servant when she returned and rolled another half dozen of the meat balls onto his plate. She was a neat little bland thing in a white apron and beige-colored dress. Ducking her head quickly in acknowledgement, she disappeared.

  "It's a miracle you survived the Trads as many years as you did," Lady Helga observed, her voice flat. "Perhaps, Lady Lyssa, we could conclude our business with this male so that he may take his plate of food and go eat in the kitchen, where his lack of manners would be far less disruptive."

  The surge of feeling that flooded him propelled Cai's head up. His gaze lasered across the table to lock upon the female vampire's. Even if he'd wanted to, he wasn't sure he could have pushed down or muted his expression. Suddenly things were a lot more still in the dining room.

  It had been a hell of a week, and he had zero experience in political fencing. He shouldn't have ever come here, and he saw the regret in Rand's mind for pushing him to do so. But it wasn't the wolf's fault.

  Rand hadn't been able to answer why he followed Cai in here, knowing what might happen. But Cai did know why. It was that instinctive loyalty and protectiveness, which he totally did not deserve from the wolf. But Rand deserved it from him.

  Yeah, Cai didn't think a lot before he spoke. The truth had never required much thinking over. With deceptive casualness, he ate another meatball, holding Helga's gaze an extra second before he shifted his attention to Lyssa.

  "My lady, do you consider yourselves Trads?"

  The flash in Jacob's gaze was a clear, "Were you even listening?" reproof. However, at the end of the day, Jacob was a human and a servant, and Cai didn't answer to him. He didn't answer to fucking anyone.

  "I'm sure you know we do not," Lyssa said coolly. "Though we are all vampires."

  "Okay. Well, Trads, they take what they want when they want it. The only thing that stops them is someone stronger beating the shit out of them until they realize they can't have it, or the cost will be too great. I said I hadn't been to a vampire social gathering. But you told me the high-level version about them, when I third marked Rand. And I've heard about them. Hell, all the Trads have."

  He swept his gaze around the table, over the assembly of attractive servants. "It's the Trad version of Penthouse letters, swapping blown up accounts of what happens at dinners for the 'civilized' vampires. My dick sure got hard, hearing about it. And some of it sounded real intriguing to me; can't deny it."

  Cai broke open a piece of bread, so soft it could be used as a pillow, and put butter on it. When he met Helga's gaze, she was now wearing a downright hostile look. Yeah, he wasn't making any headway, but he was just going to say it like it was.

  "Rand's not human. He became my servant to help me extract Dovia. I'm not one of you and I'm not a Trad. If I'm okay with him participating in something tonight, and he thinks he can handle it and wants to do it for the right reasons, then yeah, he will. But under no circumstances will that involve his wolf. Period. He's not a goddamn circus act. Whatever parts of him I command when he's human, it doesn't extend to the wolf. The wolf belongs entirely to him."

  Feeling Rand's sudden stillness behind him, Cai put more words into that space. You told me. It's a sanctuary, isn't it? Everyone should have a sanctuary. It's the most goddamn precious thing anyone can have.

  Cai took a breath. Every vampire here could annihilate him without breaking a sweat. Didn't matter. "If someone tries to take that away from him, those choices, then they'll end up just like that bastard Goddard. Or you'll kill me, and that will be the end of it, too. Same difference. But just as a point of 'etiquette,' if this is how you treat somebody who brought home one of your special 'born' vampires, then good luck finding someone to do it next time."

  In the next ticking-bomb silence, Cai felt something he rarely felt from Rand. Speechless shock. And it wasn't the reproving, can't-believe-you-shot-your-mouth-off-like-that kind.

  Lady Helga's eyes flashed with anger, but Lyssa raised a hand. "Enough," she said quietly.

  All eyes turned toward her, telling Cai who was the head bitch in charge. As if there'd ever been any doubt.

  "He's being rude and deliberately insolent," Helga pointed out.

  "Yes. He is." Lady Lyssa considered him. Since Cai had just told everyone at the table off, he did his best not to squirm, but hell, she made it hard. "He has never lived among us," she said slowly. "Never internalized our ways. Nor does he have a desire to do so. Though that in itself does not exonerate his behavior, or give him leave to live outside our society, other factors must be considered."

  Her attention moved to Rand. Cai recognized then the difference between her earlier appraisal of him versus that of Carola and Helga. Cai's possessiveness had made him want to shield Rand from her view. His need to protect was what provoked the desire with Helga and Carola.

  Lyssa meant his wolf no harm. She saw him.

  "We were unaware shifters truly exist, and now we know they do," she observed. "Rand helped bring back one of our own, and, according to Cai, saved his life."

  She leaned forward, folding her hands on the table. Her back straight, chin up, eyes fixed on his shifter. "We are aware of the dangers of pushing our servants' minds too far beyond what they can handle," she said. "We've recently discussed putting in place measures to protect them from vampires who would destroy their minds simply because they can. Unfortunately, we still have doubts if it is enforceable before the damage is done, since how much a human servant can and wants to take from their Master or Mistress is often a very subjective matter."

  Cai thought of the things he and Rand had faced together, shared together, and knew it for truth.

  Lyssa shifted her gaze to Cai. "If it would be a serious breach of Rand's mental state to explore his sexuality in his wolf form, I feel that must be honored, even if he is a third marked servant. We are learning respect is a two-way street with other species, are we not? Our communications with the Fae over recent months have taught us that."

  The Fae? News to him, but pretty interesting news. Lyssa continued. "Lord Keldwyn, our Fae liaison, would say so, as would Lord Uthe, who is involved in other Council business tonight and could not be here."

  "Which explains why Keldwyn is not," Carola put in, in a more amused tone. She apparently wasn't as uptight as Helga. "He can't do without his weekly chess matches with your right hand, Lady Lyssa."

  Lyssa acknowledged that with a faint smile. "The two of them make a formidable diplomatic team, so I expect Keldwyn's presence will be helpful to Uthe, much as he might deny it."

  Sh
e shifted the subject back toward the topic at hand. "I think we have far more important things to discuss with Mordecai. Up until now, we have had a tolerance toward the Trads, a respect for a different culture and structure existing among those who are still part of our species. However, recent events may very well change that."

  Her green eyes grew colder, and they fixed upon Cai. "As you know, our recent intel has suggested stealing our young females for breeding purposes isn't just an isolated goal of one or two fringe members. As a result, we're close to declaring the Trads enemies, and cleaning out their nests. I expect you know where a great many of them are."

  Shit. A servant had brought in a new platter of God-knew-what fancy foods, though the cheese things looked okay. Cai quelled the immediate urge to fork a few on his plate. Having his mouth full would seriously undermine the second line in the sand he was about to draw.

  Winning friends and influencing people, that was him.

  "I know the general proximity of some of them, yeah," he said. "But as much as I hate Trads, my lady, I'm not a vengeful and pissed-off kid any more. Most Trads aren't like Goddard. They're like deep mountain people, preferring to live rough and in secluded places. They just want to be left the hell alone, as far from human settlements or 'civilized vampires' as possible. They won't stop killing humans for food just because you tell them not to do so. Treating them as deer instead of milk cows is part of who they are. And I can't say they won't try to snatch female vampires or humans, but that's because they're genuinely desperate about the numbers issue. Just like you are. Fertility is a problem for them, just like it is for you all."

  He set down his fork. "So maybe the answer isn't trying to force me to be a snitch, but getting a message to them. There's a rumor going around, that vampires who have a strong relationship with their human servant are more likely to conceive."

  At her unreadable look, he lifted a shoulder. "Doesn't matter how many leaks you try to shut off, water's going to find a way to flow out a dam. The sudden poker faces around the table tell me it may be more than rumor. If so, maybe the Trads need to hear that. Maybe it would make them look a little differently at humans if they see them, not as food or objects, but a legitimate pathway to an increase in their birth rate. They're not all idiots about that, like Goddard was."

  "An emissary of sorts." Lyssa pursed her lips thoughtfully. "Not a bad idea. Would you be willing to be that emissary, Cai? This latest incident won't help reduce tensions between our two peoples. While I won't shy away from war if that's where it goes, we'd all prefer a different outcome. Well, most of us." Her lips twitched. "Lord Belizar is not here to voice his opinion, but he far prefers battle to diplomacy."

  "You think I would be a good diplomat?" Cai tried not to scoff. For one thing, he'd just eaten a cheese thing and was afraid he might accidentally spit some of the crumbs in the queen's direction.

  Lyssa's lips twitched. "You've said they're a rough group, with no patience for civilized vampire polish. I think you'd be exactly the right person. It's not a decision to make tonight. But if you do decide to serve in that role, your interactions with vampires in our world will necessarily increase."

  She glanced around the room. "Our social-gathering etiquette is in place for a reason. It allows all of us a place to safely exercise the more savage parts of ourselves, in ways that don't result in bloodshed. It's also a way to explore our natures and that of our servants. You yourself indicated you might warm to it. Even if you don't feel you have the right to command your servant's choice, if he agrees to take that step with you, you might find it brings both of you pleasure and a deeper understanding of your bond."

  She's encouraging you to go ahead with the dinner stuff, if I'm okay with it. Rand spoke in his head.

  Really? She painted it on the wall in big red letters. I missed that.

  Rand ignored the sarcasm. I can do this.

  Do you have any clue what they want you to do?

  No, but I expect I'm about to find out.

  You don't have to. I'm not going to be some bullshit emissary. I'm going to get the hell out of here and leave this area for a good long while so they can't irritate me. Go to the desert, like I said.

  The obvious place for a sun-averse species, Rand observed. Cai, I can handle this.

  No. He said it decisively.

  Rand's mind voice was puzzled, even a little hurt. With Dovia, I was able to...

  I won't allow it. Cai brought his palm down on the table with a sharp impact that shuddered through the wood. He didn't care.

  Before the vampires could react, he answered Lyssa. "I might be willing to talk to some Trads, get some kind of dialogue going between you so you could meet," he said. "But once I did that, then I'd be done. I'm not interested in being a formal emissary to you or to the Trads. Neither one of you is part of my world."

  Older vampires really did have extraordinary eyes, the jade green of hers like a spiral, taking him deeper, holding him. No one spoke, which probably meant bad things for him and Rand, worse than him being sent from the table. Unavoidable consequences usually called for him to say something snarky, and he had a million possibilities on the tip of his tongue.

  But as he looked at the vampire queen, he saw her in bare feet, calling back her dogs. Or reaching out to lay her hand on Georg Greenwald's arm, steadying him. Most importantly, he thought of every look and touch she'd shared with Jacob. Her servant. Maybe he was crazy to talk to a thousand-year-old-plus Council vampire like this, but something entirely unplanned came out of his mouth. Straight from the heart.

  "I didn't feel like I belonged to or with anybody...for a long time," he said. "But the worst part was remembering when I did. I was a kid. A kid with a family, some ideas about what I'd do with my life. I'd probably have ended up working the land like my father did, at his side, until I found some village girl to marry, have a bunch of babies with, and keep the cycle going. There'd be sunrises and sunsets, early dawns and hard work, where I'd wish for just a few more minutes of sleep. I'd look forward to harvest festivals where I could dance with girls with flowers in their hair."

  He was aware of a change in the scrutiny toward him, but he kept his attention on her. Except for her and Rand, there was no one else in the room. "I remember a couple times I noticed the muscles of farm boys as much as the soft tits of farm girls, but I pushed that away. Wasn't any context for having those thoughts in that world. But other than that....it was a life. The life I thought I'd been given."

  He picked up his fork, put it back down. "Goddard took that away, and then he and his Trads took everything, every bit of who I was. I thought about dying, a million times, and then one particularly awful night, I decided I'd had enough. I killed myself. Or I thought I did. Instead, Lodell found me before I was all the way dead, and he turned me."

  He felt Rand's gaze boring into the back of his head, but he didn't look toward him. Didn't need to. Those threads between Lyssa and Jacob? He and the wolf had their own version of those, particularly in a moment like this.

  Cai shook his head, barked a harsh half laugh. "Said he wasn't going to let me give up on life. That I was too damn tough of a little bastard, and I was going to figure it out, figure out how to live life on my own terms. Fuck, I hated him for that. Hated him for a good ten years, until I realized he was the best and only friend I'd ever have in the Trads."

  Rand had moved, because he rested a hand on Cai's shoulder. It was a ballsy decision in this crowd, but Cai took it, accepted it. He felt the understanding in Rand's mind. He'd sense it, see it, but Cai still opened his mind wide to him, so Rand could see the more complicated layers of what Cai couldn't express, even in formed thought.

  It wasn't that Cai didn't think Rand could handle a fun orgy with some hot-looking human servants. Cai couldn't handle it. Something he hadn't realized until just now.

  Lyssa's eyes were assessing, measuring, but they weren't unkind or cruel. He didn't take stock of what else was happening at the table, but he'd proba
bly ruined the mood for the after-dinner fuckfest. Yeah, don't invite that guy again. What a killjoy.

  "I've been around enough to know what being a vampire's about. I don't know your world well, but I get some of the whole vampire-servant thing and why it's so fucking fabulous to have this person who belongs entirely to you. Maybe in time, if I hung around with you all long enough, in your world, I'd start to feel more comfortable with it, and so would Rand. Then we'd all enjoy it a lot more, right? Because the big difference between you and the Trads is the servants. Your servants are with you willingly and, for some of you, that bond...it's a strong, indescribable thing."

  His gaze shifted meaningfully between her and Jacob. "The Trads destroyed who I was, remade me. Am I a Trad? Maybe I am. I'm broken, I know it. I've killed plenty of humans for blood needs; haven't thought a damn thing about it and probably never will. I don't dream about their faces or who they were to their families. They were food, pure and simple."

  Now it was harder to feel Rand's gaze upon him. But he pressed on. "Rand reminded me of what it was to notice. Of why it makes sense to take what you need without taking a life, when it's possible. He reminded me how bloody awful killing and taking away free will is. He took me back to the beginning, and has stood at my side, seen what I am and still stood at my side. Just like he's doing now. We haven't known each other long, but it feels like a lot longer."

  He saw understanding, not only in Lyssa's eyes, but in Jacob's, who had also shifted closer to his lady. Cai could cover both their expressions in one glance. Fortunately, Jacob's looked a lot less like You are so fucking up.

  Rand's fingers tightened on him. "I'm still not sure if that's a gift or curse," Cai continued. "But it makes me sure of one thing. I'm asking you, respectfully as I know how. Don't push him into the world where I had to live for too long. Don't do that to him."

  He set his jaw. "If you try, I'll finish what Lodell interrupted and take us both out. My pathetic life is totally worth protecting him from that treatment, ten times over."

  Cai pushed away from the table, causing Rand to step back, but he did it to rise and face Rand. "And if the only way to free Rand from your demands, now and going forward, is to remove our marking, then I request that."