Wayside School Is Falling Down

  “You can keep it,” said Allison. She dropped the pencil on Jason’s desk, then raised her hand. “Mrs. Jewls, can I go to the bathroom? I have to wash my hands. Jason slobbered all over my pencil.”

  Everybody laughed.

  Jason turned red. “I’m sorry, Allison,” he said. “I know it’s a disgusting habit. I just can’t help it.”

  “Don’t let Jason touch any of my books,” said Allison as she headed out of the room. “He might eat them!”

  Everybody laughed again.

  “Here, you can eat my book, Jason,” said Todd. “I don’t like it anyway.”

  Mrs. Jewls made Todd write his name on the blackboard under the word DISCIPLINE.

  Jason was so mad at himself, he broke the chewed-up pencil to bits.

  That wasn’t a smart thing to do.

  “Everybody take out a pencil and a piece of paper,” said Mrs. Jewls. “It’s time for our spelling test.”

  Jason slapped himself on the forehead. I’m so stupid! he thought. “Rondi, may I borrow a pencil, please?” he asked.

  Rondi made a face. “All my pencils are new,” she said. “How do I know you won’t eat it?”

  “I won’t,” said Jason. “I promise.”

  “You better not,” said Rondi. She gave him one of her pencils.

  It was new and freshly sharpened. Jason liked the way it smelled.

  “The first word is ‘orchestra,’” said Mrs. Jewls.

  Jason tried to remember how to spell orchestra. He stuck the back of the pencil in his mouth.

  “Second word, ‘garbanzo.’”

  Jason chewed on the eraser.

  When the spelling test was over, Rondi’s pencil was worse than Allison’s.

  Jason looked at it in horror. He didn’t even remember chewing it. Oh, no! he thought. What am I going to do? He stuck it inside his desk.

  “Jason, may I have my pencil back, please?” asked Rondi.

  “What pencil?” asked Jason.

  “The one I lent you,” said Rondi.

  Jason opened his desk and pretended to look for it. “I don’t know where it is,” he said.

  “Mrs. Jewls, Jason stole my pencil!” called Rondi.

  “Jason, give Rondi back her pencil,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  He gave it to her.

  “You chewed on it!” exclaimed Rondi.

  Everyone laughed.

  “No I didn’t,” said Jason. “Those are your teeth marks.”

  “How can they be my teeth marks?” asked Rondi. She smiled. She was missing her two front teeth.

  “So?” said Jason. “You don’t chew pencils with your front teeth. You chew them with your back teeth.”

  “How do you know?” asked Rondi.

  “Um, um, uh,” said Jason.

  Mrs. Jewls made Jason write his name on the board under the word DISCIPLINE because he chewed Rondi’s pencil, then lied about it. “And try not to eat the chalk,” she said.

  Everyone laughed.

  Rondi threw the chewed-up pencil out the window.

  It hit Louis on the head.

  Mrs. Jewls gave Dameon a stack of work sheets and asked him to pass them out. They contained arithmetic problems.

  Jason had to borrow another pencil.

  “Allison, may I borrow another pencil, please?” he asked.

  “Eat my socks,” said Allison.

  That wasn’t such a bad idea, Jason realized. If he stuffed a sock in his mouth, he wouldn’t be able to chew a pencil.

  Myron looked at his work sheet. “I don’t feel like doing this stuff,” he said. “Here, Jason, you can have my pencil.”

  “Thanks, Myron,” said Jason. “I promise not to chew it.” He hoped he’d be able to keep his promise.

  He thought about asking Mrs. Jewls for a Tootsie Roll Pop. If I’m sucking on that, I won’t chew Myron’s pencil. And a Tootsie Roll Pop would probably taste better than Allison’s socks. He didn’t know for sure because he had never tasted Allison’s socks.

  But before he could ask Mrs. Jewls, Mrs. Jewls called him. “Jason, will you come here for a moment,” she said. “I think I know how to keep you from chewing pencils.”

  Jason smiled as he walked to her desk. “I like the purple ones,” he told her.

  But Mrs. Jewls didn’t give him a Tootsie Roll Pop. Instead, she taped his mouth shut with heavy-duty masking tape. She had to use a lot of tape, because Jason had the second biggest mouth in the class. “There,” she said.

  Jason started back to his seat.

  “Aren’t you even going to say thank you?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Mhhmm hhm,” said Jason.

  “You’re welcome,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Hey, Jason,” teased Allison. “You look like a mummy!”

  “Don’t sneeze,” said Rondi. “You’ll blow your head off!”

  They both laughed.

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  “Mh mhhh mhrhhmmm!” Jason said back to them. It was a very bad thing to say. He wasn’t supposed to use words like that.

  “You better not pull the tape off,” said Rondi. “You might rip off your lips!”

  They both laughed again.

  Jason had never been more embarrassed in his whole life. His ears burned as he set to work on the arithmetic problems.

  They were tough problems. Several times the pencil crashed against the tape, but the tape held firm.

  Mrs. Jewls was very proud of herself. Not only did the tape protect Myron’s pencil, but Mrs. Jewls also noticed that Jason was quieter than he’d ever been. I should tape all their mouths shut, she thought. Then they’d all be so nice and quiet.

  It was such a good idea, she wondered why no other teacher had ever thought of it.

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  Chapter 13

  A Giggle Box, a Leaky Faucet, and a Foghorn

  Every day after lunch Mrs. Jewls read a story to the class.

  Dana hated stories.

  The last book Mrs. Jewls had read was a story about a pig and spider. The pig was real cute and the spider was very wise.

  Dana thought it was a horrible book. It made her laugh too much. Everyone else laughed too, but the problem was that Dana always kept laughing long after everyone else in the class had stopped. It was very embarrassing. And sometimes she broke out laughing at a part that wasn’t even funny because she remembered something funny that had happened earlier.

  John called her a giggle box.

  That only made her laugh harder.

  Once she broke up laughing in the middle of an arithmetic test because she remembered something funny the pig had said.

  “There goes the giggle box,” said John.

  She hated John.

  But that wasn’t the worst part of the book. In the end, the spider died.

  Dana couldn’t stop crying. And she thought it was so silly, too, because in real life she didn’t even like spiders! She squashed them all the time.

  John called her a leaky faucet. “Somebody better call a plumber to fix the leaky faucet,” he said.

  She laughed through her tears. She hated John.

  Once in music, they had learned a song about a dragon. When the song begins the dragon is very brave, but then he loses his only friend, so he isn’t brave anymore. He just goes back to his cave, where he is sad and lonely for the rest of his life.

  The song always made Dana cry. Every recess John and Joe would chase after her, singing it. She’d run across the playground with her hands over her ears and tears streaming down her face.

  The bell rang. Lunch was over. Dana nervously walked up the stairs to Mrs. Jewls’s room. Mrs. Jewls would start a new book today. She hoped it wouldn’t be
funny or sad. She hoped Mrs. Jewls would read a boring story with no jokes.

  When she got to class, John and Joe were standing by her desk waiting for her.

  “Happy Birthday, Dana,” said John. He was holding a present. It was wrapped in green paper and had a pink bow.

  “But it’s not my birthday,” said Dana.

  “Well, that’s okay,” said John. “You can have it anyway. Since I’m always teasing you.” He and Joe snickered.

  Dana eagerly tore off the wrapping paper. Maybe John wasn’t so bad after all, she thought.

  It was a box of tissues.

  John and Joe laughed hysterically.

  “That’s not funny!” said Dana. She raised her fist and started to chase after them.

  Mrs. Jewls rang her cowbell, and all the children settled quietly in their seats.

  “We are ready to begin a new story,” said Mrs. Jewls. She held up the book. “It’s called ‘Stinky.’”

  Dana laughed at the title, then quickly covered her mouth.

  “It’s about a cute and playful skunk,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Oh, no!” gasped Dana. She knew animal stories always made her cry. The animal’s mother would get shot by human hunters. Or else humans would build a shopping center and destroy the animal’s home.

  She hated humans. But she knew that was silly, because she was a human, and so were all her friends. The only human she really hated was John, and she didn’t think he was even human!

  Mrs. Jewls read:

  “It was such a beautiful day, Stinky and his mother went for a walk across the forest. ‘Hi, Stinky,’ said Charlie the chipmunk. ‘Hi, Charlie,’ said Stinky. ‘Come along, Stinky,’ called his mother. Stinky hurried after her. They came to a road. Suddenly Stinky heard a noise he had never heard before. It was very loud, like thunder. A car, driven by humans, was speeding toward him! ‘Look out!’ shouted his mother. Stinky stopped in the middle of the road and stared at the onrushing car. He had never seen a car before. His mother pushed him out of the way just in time. He was safe, but unfortunately, the car ran over his mother. ‘Mama, Mama,’ he sobbed over and over again, but his mother didn’t answer. She was dead.”

  Dana cried.

  “Uh-oh, there goes the leaky faucet,” said John. He and Joe laughed.

  Dana sniffled and wiped her eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop. She just kept thinking about poor Stinky. What would he do without his mother? she wondered. Maybe he could go live with Charlie the chipmunk, she hoped.

  She pulled a tissue out of the box John had given her and loudly blew her nose.

  “There goes the foghorn,” said John.

  Dana laughed into her tissue. She blew her nose again, even louder.

  “It must be a very foggy day,” said John.

  The next day after lunch Dana hurried up the thirty flights of stairs before the bell rang, so she could talk to Mrs. Jewls before class started.

  “Yes, Dana?” said Mrs. Jewls.

  “Can I leave the room when you read today?” asked Dana.

  “Why?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “Because I hate stories,” said Dana. “They make me laugh and cry too much.”

  “You don’t hate stories, Dana,” Mrs. Jewls told her. “You love stories. I wish everybody laughed and cried as much as you.”

  “Really?” asked Dana. She couldn’t believe it. All this time she thought she hated stories when really she loved them. She was glad she really loved stories.

  Suddenly she made a face. “Oh, yuck!” she said.

  “What is it?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  “What if I really love John, too?”

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  Chapter 14

  Calvin’s Big Decision

  It was Calvin’s birthday. His mother had made chocolate cupcakes with jelly beans on top. Mrs. Jewls passed them out to the class.

  “Hey, Dana,” said Leslie. “I’ll trade you my black jelly bean for your red one.”

  “Okay,” said Dana.

  Everyone traded jelly beans. That was the most fun part of the party.

  Bebe was very excited. “Tell everybody what you’re getting for your birthday, Calvin!” she said.

  “I don’t know,” Calvin mumbled as he stared at his yellow jelly bean.

  “He’s getting the best present!” said Bebe.

  “What are you getting, Calvin?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

  Calvin frowned. “I don’t know!” he griped. “I mean, I know what it is, but I don’t know what it is.”

  “Huh?” asked Jason.

  “See, I usually get toys,” Calvin tried to explain. “But they always break, or get lost, or something happens to them. But this year I’m getting something I’ll never lose. I’ll have it for the rest of my life.”

  “What is it?” asked Terrence.

  “A tattoo,” said Calvin.

  “Oooh, how neat!” exclaimed Maurecia.

  Everyone thought it was a great present.

  “You’re so lucky, Calvin,” said Rondi. “I wish I could get a tattoo too! Instead I got a tutu.”

  “I got a tutu too,” said Dana.

  “My parents won’t let me get a tattoo,” complained John.

  “My parents wouldn’t let me get one either,” said Calvin. “Then, for my birthday, they said I could get one. But now I can’t decide what to get. My dad’s taking me to the tattoo parlor after school today! I just can’t make up my mind.”

  “Get a snake,” said Stephen.

  “No, get an eagle,” said Deedee. “They’re the best!”

  “A dead rat!” suggested Kathy.

  “I just don’t know,” said Calvin. “I’ve never had to make such a tough decision. Nothing else I do matters very much. It’s not like choosing jelly beans! If you pick the wrong color jelly bean, big deal, you can always spit it out. But once you get a tattoo, you can’t change your mind. You can’t erase tattoos. Whatever I get I’ll have for the rest of my life!”

  “Get a naked lady,” said Jason.

  Calvin shook his head. “I just don’t know. I just don’t know.”

  “Where are you going to put your tattoo?” asked Allison.

  Calvin threw up his hands. “I don’t know!”

  “You should put it on your arm,” said Myron. “That’s the best place for tattoos.”

  “You’re crazy, Myron,” said Todd. “Put it on your chest, Calvin.”

  “I know where you should put it,” said Dana. “But I can’t say.” She giggled like a maniac. Then she whispered it in Jenny’s ear. Jenny giggled too.

  All day everyone had lots of suggestions for Calvin. they told him what kind of tattoo he should get, and where he should put it. A rainbow on his forehead. A flower on his cheek. An anchor on his arm.

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  It was easy for the others to make suggestions. They wouldn’t have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

  “I just don’t know,” Calvin repeated over and over again.

  Bebe drew a lot of pictures for him, in case he wanted to choose one of those. She drew lions, tigers, buffaloes, and butterflies.

  “If you like one, I can draw it on your skin for you,” said Bebe. “Then the tattoo man can trace over it.”

  “I just don’t know,” muttered Calvin. “I just don’t know.”

  After school Calvin’s father picked him up and drove him to the tattoo parlor.

  The next day when he walked into class, everybody stared at him. They couldn’t see a tattoo.

  “Did you get one?” asked Maurecia.

  Calvin smiled. “Yep,” he said.

  “Where is it?” asked Jason.

  Dana gasped. “I know where!” she exc
laimed.

  She and Jenny giggled.

  “Well, what’d you get?” asked Todd.

  “It was a real tough decision,” said Calvin. “I almost got a leopard fighting a snake. But then my dad told me to think about it. He said it was sort of like getting a second nose. You may think you want another nose, because that way if one nose gets stuffed up, you can breathe through the other nose. But then he asked me, ‘Calvin, do you really want two noses?’ ”

  “Your father is very wise,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  Calvin nodded. “That made me think,” he said. “I decided I didn’t want a snake and a leopard fighting on my body for the rest of my life. I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted.”

  He pulled up his left pant leg. There was a small tattoo just above his ankle.

  Everyone crowded around to look at it.

  “A potato!” exclaimed Leslie. “How stupid!”

  “That’s the worst tattoo in the world!” said Mac.

  They all thought it was a dumb tattoo.

  “Anything is better than a potato!” said Jason.

  “It’s a pretty potato,” said Bebe, trying to be nice. “I wish I could draw potatoes that good.” But even Bebe thought it was a dumb tattoo.

  “I like potatoes,” said Calvin.

  “I would hope so,” said Mrs. Jewls.

  Calvin could tell Mrs. Jewls didn’t like his tattoo either.

  “I would have gotten an eagle,” said Deedee, “soaring across the sky!”

  “Not me,” said Terrence. “I would have gotten a lion!”

  “I would have gotten a kangaroo,” said Leslie.

  All day everyone told Calvin what they would have gotten: a fire-breathing dragon, a lightning bolt, a creature from outer space.

  None of them said they would have gotten a potato.

  But Calvin knew better. He knew it was easy for his friends to say what they would have gotten, because they really hadn’t had to choose. He was the only one who really knew what it was like to pick a tattoo. Even Mrs. Jewls didn’t know that.