Sins of Sevin

  My hand was around the back of her head to protect it. I was pumping into her so hard, taking all of my frustrations from the past several weeks out on her body. I kept having to remind myself it was what she wanted as I let go of all inhibitions and fucked her in the rawest way imaginable. Her pussy felt so tight wrapped around my engorged cock.

  Nothing seemed to be enough for her. “Please, Sevin. Harder.”

  It was easier to fuck her mercilessly when I focused my thoughts on her alienating me these past several weeks. As much as I understood why, it still pissed me off and made me desperate for her all at once.

  Thrusting into her over and over, I spoke into her ear, “You think you can just pretend that we never happened? You’ll never be able to forget me now. Is this hard enough for you? Huh? You want more?”

  She gripped my ass and pushed me into her even deeper. “Yes.”

  My orgasm suddenly came on fast and hard as I felt her muscles spasm around my cock. I always knew exactly when she was coming, but this time was the most intense. It was the most earth shattering orgasm of my life, my load shooting into her in a seemingly endless flow.

  Her legs stayed wrapped around my waist. Her body was limp. It was the roughest sex I’d ever had. When I looked up into her eyes, they were dark. Instead of some kind of post-coital bliss, Evangeline just looked tormented as if she’d been hoping that the sex would take care of something that was bothering her.

  “Come on, lie down with me.”

  “I really should go back.”

  “Lie down with me, Evangeline,” I demanded.

  I held her tightly, afraid to fall asleep and find her gone, or worse, discover that the beautiful angel-witch who appeared in my room was just a dream.

  I eventually nodded off. It was noontime by the time I woke up. My instincts were apparently correct, because while Evangeline was nowhere to be found, in her place was a note.

  You’ll always be my truth. But sometimes, the truth hurts too much.

  I love you.

  The paper shook a little in my hands. A feeling of intense fear and dread overtook me as I tried to interpret her words.

  Getting dressed as fast as possible, I ran to the main house to try to find her. Lance and Olga were on the phone, yelling at someone. Something was going down. Elle was sitting in her wheelchair in the kitchen, her face buried in her hands.

  “Elle? What the hell is going on?”

  “Something horrible has happened,” she said.

  Adrenaline started to rush through me. “Is someone hurt? What?”

  “Evangeline is gone.”

  My head was spinning. “What are you talking about?”

  “She left a note this morning. She ran away. Apparently, she’d been seeing some guy behind all of our backs, someone that my parents wouldn’t approve of. No one knew about this. It’s all in the letter, but she basically says she needs to go find herself away from us, that she’s really sorry but that she needed to go away for a while and that she’s not sure when she’s coming back.”

  Too shocked and dazed to form a sentence, I simply said, “What?”

  “I think she left because of me.”

  Still processing everything, I repeated, “What?” Elle must have thought I was going deaf.

  “I said I think she left because of me, Sevin. I think she can’t handle what happened to me. I know it in my heart. She couldn’t stand to be around me anymore.”

  I was too devastated to comfort her and address her last statement. “Where’s the letter?”

  “It’s on the counter.”

  My hands hadn’t stopped trembling since reading the note she left earlier. Now, they were full on shaking as I picked up the letter written on paper ripped from a yellow legal pad.

  The explanation was exactly what Elle described, a bullshit story concocted by Evangeline about having connected with someone who was not a God-fearing man, someone she wasn’t supposed to love but couldn’t help wanting to be with. Evangeline’s lies continued as she went on about needing to find a purpose in life and how she didn’t feel badly about leaving Elle because she knew her sister had me to take care of her. It was all a crock of shit. If I wasn’t so goddamned heartbroken, I could have killed someone.

  Seeing as though I couldn’t remember the moment that my mother died, her death didn’t impact me the way it did my father. So, it was pretty safe to say that this moment, standing in the kitchen knowing that the woman I loved had abandoned not only me but her entire family was the single worst moment of my life.

  Elle continued to talk. Unable to process anything but the vivid images in my head from the night before, I simply wasn’t hearing her. The terrified look in Evangeline’s eyes as she asked me to ravage her now made sense. Last night was a goodbye fuck meant to numb the pain of what only she knew would be happening today.

  One thing was clear: wherever she went, she was hurting badly. A frantic desperation to find her consumed me. The only person whom she might have told was Addy. I needed to go to her house and grill her for information.

  ***

  My knock was loud and abrupt.

  “Addy! Addy, let me in.”

  The door swung open. “Sevin? What’s wrong?”

  Letting myself in, I huffed, “Don’t act like you don’t know.”

  “What in heaven’s name are you talking about?”

  “Evangeline and her disappearing act. Where did she really go?” I frantically searched the house. “Wait…is she here?” Things were falling all over the place as I weaved in and out of the rooms.

  “Stop ransacking my house! Vangie’s not here, Sevin.”

  “Then she told you where she was going.”

  “Calm down. Tell me what’s going on. The last time I talked to Evangeline was two nights ago. She didn’t say anything to me about going anywhere.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this.”

  “She left a letter with some hokey story about running away with some guy and needing to find herself away from Dodge City. You and I know that’s bullshit. You’re the only one who knows about us.”

  “Where could she have gone?”

  “I have no idea. She doesn’t have a pot to piss in.”

  “Did you try her cell phone?”

  “Yes. The number was disconnected.”

  “What are the Suttons doing about it?”

  “What can they do? She’s twenty-one. Lance was talking to the police, but they won’t take action because she left on her own accord. Olga talked Lance out of searching for her any further, saying Evangeline needed to learn from her mistakes.”

  “She seemed particularly upset the last time she was here. I just assumed it was the usual stress of Elle’s situation and the effect it’s had on you two.”

  “Swear you’re not lying to me, Addy. Swear you really don’t know where she is.”

  “Boy…can’t you see that this is shaking me up just as much as you?”

  “What the fuck am I going to do?”

  “You’ll wait until she comes back to you. Mark my words. She will be back. Vangie loves you too much.”

  “If she doesn’t come to her senses soon, I don’t know what’s going to be left of me when she comes back. I was losing it as it was. Ever since Elle’s accident...it’s hard on all of us. Evangeline’s presence on a daily basis was the only thing getting me through.”

  “If there are days where you feel like you can’t go on, you come to me. I’m your sounding board. Don’t do anything stupid.”

  “Thank you, Addy. Really…thank you.”

  ***

  Addy was right about one thing; Evangeline would eventually come back. What Addy couldn’t have predicted, though, was that it would be five years later. By that time, it was too late to undo the damage that had been done.

  Just over a year after Evangeline initially disappeared, Elle and I got married. It was either that or give up my job and the
only home I had. Without Evangeline in the equation, those things that were simply necessary for survival became more important again. At that point, I truly believed Evangeline was gone for good. Not one word from her in a full year. Each day was like dying a slow death.

  Aside from my own inner struggle, it was impossible to abandon Elle in her condition. She needed a provider and caretaker. To be honest, with each passing week, the love that belonged to Evangeline inside of me slowly festered into what felt like hate. I couldn’t understand how she could just walk away.

  Marrying Elle was a way of putting a nail in the coffin of my dreams for Evangeline and me. Elle needed me. Even though I wasn’t in love with her, I decided to keep my original promise. My primary reason for not wanting to marry Elle had always been about how it would affect Evangeline. After a full year of waiting, it didn’t matter anymore whether or not one of my choices resulted in Evangeline suffering. In fact, anything I could have done to hurt her half as much as she’d hurt me seemed only fair.

  Playing the role of the good husband to Elle wasn’t an easy task. It was a serious responsibility. After long days at the plant, I’d come home and do nothing but tend to her. I’d help her move around to avoid body sores and help her change her catheter.

  It was also my responsibility to make her feel loved. I’d rub her shoulders, tell her she was beautiful to me and kiss her. Sometimes, that led to other things. Elle couldn’t have intercourse, but I did what I had to do as her husband to keep her satisfied. Nothing Elle and I did physically came even close to what I had with Evangeline. Guilt would try to creep in, and I’d have to remind myself that Evangeline was the one who abandoned me, not vice versa.

  Even though I still kept some of my belongings at the guesthouse, Elle and I ended up living full time at the main house. It was easier because we’d made it handicap accessible. Lance had a ramp put in and arranged for some other modifications. It was just as well because the guesthouse was where the ghost of Evangeline lived. Every corner of that place reminded me of her, particularly the wall of my bedroom that served as the backdrop to both the night I drew her and the last night we were together when we fucked like animals against it.

  My passions and desires took a backseat to my obligations as a husband to Elle. It was a tremendous amount of responsibility. I took care of her every single day for five years.

  Until the day she died.

  PART TWO

  AFTER ELLE

  CHAPTER 19

  EVANGELINE

  This was truly worse than my worst nightmare. Facing Sevin after five years was one thing. Having to see Elle lying in a coffin just a few feet away was another. That made facing him seem like a walk in the park.

  As cowardly as my running away had been, nothing could keep me from one last look at my beautiful sister. At the same time, it was the ultimate punishment for my sins. After this experience¸ nothing would be able to hurt me anymore.

  I felt the weight of Sevin’s stare as I walked over to Elle’s lifeless body.

  “You’ve got some nerve,” Daddy seethed as I passed by him. I didn’t care. I just needed to get to my sister.

  Collapsing over her, a pool of tears emptied from my eyes and onto the silk white dress she was wearing. Everyone was staring at me in shock. Mama was the only one who knew I was coming today. I couldn’t bear to look at Sevin again. The death stare he’d given me when I walked in was enough to tell me everything I needed to know regarding how he felt about my showing up. There wasn’t an ounce of shock on his face—just pure anger.

  This whole experience was surreal.

  I’ll never forget receiving that phone call from Mama. She was the only person who knew my whereabouts all these years. She told me that Elle developed an infection that spread throughout her body and poisoned her blood. Septicemia she called it. It took her fast.

  Apparently, Mama didn’t tell them I might be showing up, because the rest of my family truly looked like they’d seen a ghost.

  The funeral director had to pry me off of her body. I just couldn’t leave her. They needed to move her light blue coffin for the procession out of the church. Sevin was one of the pallbearers along with Daddy and some of the guys from Sutton Provisions.

  Everyone followed the casket out except for me. Instead, I just stared vacantly at the empty pews.

  My little sister Emily startled me. “Evangeline…”

  Not so little anymore. I hadn’t even noticed her when I walked in. Emily looked like a grown woman. She was going on seventeen now and resembled Elle more than the little girl I remembered leaving behind.

  “Hi, sis.” We hugged and cried in silence for several minutes.

  She sniffled. “How did you find out?”

  “Mama told me.”

  “She knew where you were?”

  “Yes, but please don’t tell anyone.”

  “Where have you been all this time?”

  “I’ve been living in Wichita.”

  “That’s only a few hours away. Are you kidding? Is that where the guy you ran away with lives?”

  Even though I hadn’t met Dean until after running away, it was easier to stick to my lie. “Yes.”

  I wouldn’t let Dean come with me to the service. There was no way I needed that extra pressure today. He wasn’t happy about having to let me out of his sights on my turf, but by some miracle, he let it go.

  “What’s the name of the person who’s so important that you had to leave your family?”

  “His name is Dean.”

  “We needed you. You left us when we needed you most for…some guy? How could you do that to us?”

  “Em, someday I’ll tell you everything. Just know that I didn’t feel like I had a choice at the time, okay? Leaving you was the last thing I really wanted.”

  “I’m confused.”

  “I know.”

  “Elle is dead, Evangeline! She’s dead.”

  Covering my mouth at the realization again, I wept and whispered into my palm, “I know.”

  Emily and I held each other for about a minute before she pulled back. “We’d better go. There’s a car waiting to take us to the burial grounds.”

  “Go ahead without me. I’ll follow.”

  I was left alone in the church. I had no intention of going to the gravesite and watching as they lowered her into the ground. I just needed to see her one more time, and I had that chance. I didn’t want to make things even harder on Sevin.

  Dropping to my knees, I prayed at the altar amidst the scent of burning votive candles. Nightmares about Elle had been haunting me every night. I knew they were only going to get worse after facing reality today.

  Please, God. Give me the strength to face this.

  ***

  Afraid to face Daddy’s wrath, instead of stopping at the house, I drove straight back to Wichita. Seeing nothing but flashes of Sevin’s angry stare, the ride back was a complete blur. The man who had my heart to this day probably wished I were the one that died. I really wished it were me, too.

  The closer I got to our house, the more it felt like my insides were rotting. Rehashing this day to Dean was the last thing I felt like doing tonight. I just wanted to go straight to bed.

  Dean was sitting on the couch watching television. “Evie, it took you long enough to come home. I’m starving.”

  “Why didn’t you make yourself something?”

  “You know I can’t cook for shit.”

  “I just came back from my sister’s goddamn funeral. You think I want to spend the rest of tonight cooking a meal for you?”

  “You hadn’t seen your sister in five years. If she hadn’t died, you wouldn’t have even gone back.”

  “That means I’m not supposed to be devastated?”

  All this time, Dean thought I was estranged from my family by choice. He didn’t really know the whole truth about the pain of my past and my reasons for leaving Dodge City. He couldn’t imagine how much I truly loved Elle. He definitely couldn?
??t imagine how much I loved Sevin.

  Sevin.

  God, even the thought of his name caused shooting pains to run through me. It was as if I could feel all of the hatred and anger he felt toward me within my chest. That, coupled with my own self-loathing, was now too much to carry within me.

  Dean must have noticed that something was seriously off with me, because he softened, which was rare. “Sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to upset you. Go make us some dinner, huh?”

  It was easier to just give in to him than start an argument. I never won those with Dean. He would just make the rest of my night miserable until he forced me to screw him, calling it makeup sex.

  Retreating to the kitchen, I cracked some eggs into a bowl and whisked them around. I’d make cheese omelets and frozen waffles. Breakfast for dinner. Done.

  “What’s taking so long?” Dean yelled from the living room.

  “Just putting some finishing touches on it!” I doused the eggs with extra pepper, twisting the peppermill in an exaggerated way.

  Dean watched the television from the kitchen table while we ate. There was never any dinner conversation with Dean. After our meal, I was washing dishes when my cell phone rang.

  It was Mama.

  “It’s my mother. I need to take it,” I said, taking the phone to the bedroom and closing the door.

  “Mama?”

  “Evangeline, you need to come back.”

  “Why?”

  “Daddy is really angry at me. He wanted to know how you found out about Elle. I told him I only recently discovered your whereabouts. He’s irate with me for keeping it from him. It’s too much stress on him right now, but he wants to talk to you. Emily needs you, too.”

  “I can’t go back, Mama.”

  “You told Emily you were living in Wichita. You’re her only sister left. It’s time. It’s time to face everything. You can’t keep pretending that we don’t exist, not now that everyone knows where you are.”