Sins of Sevin

  “Why did you run away when you figured out who I was? You could’ve just told me the truth. You could tell me anything. I thought we established that in the first hour we met.”

  When I laughed, the tense look on his face seemed to soften.

  “I honestly don’t know why I ran. It was a shock.”

  Sevin walked slowly toward me, his tanned chest still glistening. I could feel the heat of his body even though he wasn’t touching me. “We didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I know,” I said defensively.

  “Why did you tell me your name was Sienna?”

  “Honestly? I just don’t like my name.”

  “Evangeline is a beautiful name. It fits you.”

  “Well, maybe I just don’t like myself very much then.”

  “I love your name. You shouldn’t lie about it.”

  “Thank you.”

  He looked up at the ceiling then back at me. “Let’s try this again.”

  “What?”

  “Hi, I’m Sevin,” he said, holding out his hand.

  I took it. “Evangeline.”

  “Hi, Evangeline.”

  “Hello.”

  We were still palm to palm. The sensation of his firm grip sent what felt like waves of energy and desire through the core of my body.

  Why did hello feel like goodbye? Goodbye to the illusion of the man I met and hello to the reality of what our relationship would have to be moving forward.

  “We’re going to see each other every day. I’m going to be part of your family. So, we have to get used to this, Evangeline.”

  I let go of his hand, feeling sick at the thought. “I’ll try, okay?”

  “You’ll stop pretending to be looking at yourself in the reflection of your plate at the dinner table?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’ll stop pretending you have to go to the bathroom every five minutes?”

  “Yes.”

  “And you’ll stop running the other way, tripping over people, when you see me at the plant?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Good...because I hate it.”

  I nodded and looked at my watch. “I’d better get back.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you later,” he said without moving from his spot as he watched me walk backwards towards the door.

  It was hard not to look down at his chest one last time before I turned around. If I thought I had a problem stopping my lustful thoughts about him before, it was going to be nearly impossible now.

  ***

  Dinner that evening turned into an interesting experience for multiple reasons.

  I’d been dressing a salad in the kitchen while Mama took a tray of kielbasa and potatoes out of the oven. Elle and Daddy hadn’t returned yet from picking up Aunt Imogene. They were due back any minute.

  Sevin walked into the kitchen. “Hey, Evangeline…Olga.”

  He’d showered after his run. His hair was wet, and he was wearing a form-fitting maroon pullover. His signature fragrance overrode the smell of the food. Sevin was suddenly all I could smell. It was dizzying.

  “Will you please let me help with something, Olga?” he asked.

  “You can help Evangeline set the table if you insist.”

  “I do. Thanks.”

  He quietly followed me into the dining room, carrying the flatware. The tension in the air was thick as he walked behind me around the oval table, setting down silverware after each plate I’d put down. It was like some weird game of musical chairs where awkward silence replaced the music. The hairs on my back stiffened. We weren’t saying anything, but it was as if I could feel the weight of a thousand words along with the heat of his body so close behind me.

  When I noticed he’d just put a fork where the spoon was supposed to go, I switched it. “The forks go on this side, actually.” My hand was shaking. I couldn’t believe how little control I had over myself.

  Noticing my nerves, he suddenly placed his hand over mine and whispered, “Stop.”

  Chills ran through me. My heart started to beat faster. My nipples hardened. I hated my body for responding to him with equal amounts of fear and lust.

  I turned to him, his hand still over my knuckles. It felt like I couldn’t breathe as he just looked at me.

  My mother’s footsteps caused Sevin to move his hand off mine with lightning speed.

  Mama entered, and we continued setting the table as if our stolen moment hadn’t happened.

  “So, while we’re waiting for Daddy and Elle, I just thought I’d take the time to explain a little bit about my mother’s sister, Imogene.”

  I cleared my throat. “Okay…”

  “You met her a long time ago, Evangeline. She was well back then. The reason she’s going to be living with us is because her mind is a little bit gone now. She has no children, so I’m her next of kin.”

  “Is it like dementia?” Sevin asked.

  “Not entirely. I should clarify, Imogene hasn’t really lost her mind as much as her filter over the years. She was in a car accident a few years ago and hasn’t ever been the same. She says and does some inappropriate things, sometimes very sinful things. I have to believe that the Lord will forgive her for it because she’s not well. You need to learn to ignore what she says or does. I just wanted to warn you while I had the chance.”

  About five minutes later, the front door opened.

  My mother clasped her hands together and adorned a fake smile. “Imogene!” she said lovingly as she greeted her elderly aunt.

  Imogene had long, white hair that was tied into a single braid. Her face was quite wrinkled, making her striking blue eyes stand out even more. When she smiled at Mama, I could see that all of her teeth were gone.

  “It’s wonderful to see you again, Aunt Imogene,” I said.

  “And you, dear.” So far, she seemed like a normal old lady.

  Elle walked over to Sevin and took his hand. “Imogene, I want you to meet my fiancé, Sevin Montgomery.”

  Sevin stuck out his hand. “Wonderful to meet you.”

  “My, my, you have big hands. Elle’s going to be a lucky girl. If she’s smart, she’s already discovered what that means.” She winked, flashing her toothless grin before my mother suddenly whisked her away to show her the bedroom where she’d be staying.

  Once we were all sitting down at the table for dinner, I caught myself doing exactly what I promised I wouldn’t; looking down at my reflection in the plate. Anything was better than staring across at Elle and Sevin’s intertwined fingers.

  Once the kielbasa links and potatoes were served, Daddy said grace, and we all dug in. It was a quieter dinner than usual. At one point, my mother suddenly asked Emily to come follow her into the kitchen. I happened to look at Sevin, and his eyes were practically bugging out of his head. Elle’s face was red as a beet. Was I missing something? That was when I looked over at Imogene.

  Oh my God.

  I covered my mouth.

  She was holding her fat kielbasa link upright in her palm and instead of eating it, seemed to be jerking it up and down, simulating a hand job. When she saw that I noticed, she did nothing but smile that toothless grin like everything was normal.

  Sevin and I made eye contact. I could see he was about to lose it. Maintaining my composure might have been possible were it not for his expression. I buried my face in my hands and started to cry quiet tears of laughter, nearly peeing in my pants. I knew it was wrong to laugh at this, but I just couldn’t help it.

  My father was stoic and refused to speak. Elle just sat there in shock. Sevin slapped his cloth napkin down and left the room. I knew he was going to the bathroom to laugh in private. The whole situation was sick, yet after one of the toughest weeks of my life, I was grateful for the comic relief.

  CHAPTER 8

  SEVIN

  Happy fucking birthday to me.

  It was my twenty-first. That alone should have made it one of the happiest days of my life, but birthdays were never happy at all for m
e. This year was no exception. Even though I felt like drowning my sorrows in my first legal bottle of booze, I reminded myself of my vow to be a better person.

  There was a knock on the door in a cheerful melodic rhythm. Elle and Emily were standing there with huge smiles on their faces.

  “Happy birthday!” they said in unison.

  “Thank you, sweetie pies.”

  This year, my birthday happened to fall on a Saturday, so Elle and I were supposed to be going into town for the day to celebrate. Emily was going to accompany us as our chaperone.

  I hated that a part of me wished it were Evangeline.

  But it was better that it wasn’t. I couldn’t think straight whenever that girl was merely in the same room, let alone joining us for an entire day. Today was one day I couldn’t handle battling my attraction to her. Even though I’d told her that we needed to get used to being around each other, it seemed I was the one with the problem lately.

  Determined to lose myself in Elle’s company, I suggested she show me around Dodge City. We visited the Boot Hill Museum, the Dodge City Zoo, and she took me to a couple of possible venues for the wedding reception. Elle managed to successfully help me forget about my problems for a while.

  After a late lunch of burgers and milkshakes, we stopped at an arcade that Emily wanted to go to. It was the least we could do for her after she followed us around all day.

  “Go on, Emily. Here’s some money for the machine. We’ll be right here.” Elle seemed eager to have a moment alone with me, even though we weren’t technically supposed to be alone at all.

  Emily got sucked into a game at the far end of the crowded room. We were surrounded by flashing lights and arcade noises when Elle said, “I’ve been waiting to give you your birthday present.”

  She took my hand and startled me when she leaned in. Her lips were moving toward me. It was the last thing I expected. Elle brushed her lips gently over mine. When I moved my mouth over hers, I think she started to get scared I was going to slip her some tongue or do something else. She pulled away, stopping the kiss. It had been soft and felt innocent, even though I was sure it was a really big deal for her.

  “Elle…you didn’t have to do that. I could have waited.”

  “I know I’m not supposed to. But I wanted to. I have been dying to. I wish it could be more.”

  “It felt…really nice.”

  It did.

  As she continued to smile up at me, I felt compelled to ask her a question.

  “What do you want, Elle?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…out of life? What do you really want?”

  “I want to be your wife.”

  “But aside from that, is there something you want to do but maybe feel like you can’t? What are your dreams?”

  “I don’t know. Being a wife and—God willing—a mother…it’s enough for me. Not every woman has to want more. Those things are really what I truly want.”

  “You’re such a good person. Sometimes, I think you’re too good for me.”

  “That’s not true. You’re everything to me.”

  Letting go of her hand, I ran my hand through my hair, trying to form my thoughts into words. “Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate that so much, and no one has ever said that to me or even really felt that way about me. I guess, I just don’t understand why you love me. Like, what have I done to earn that, and how do you know there isn’t someone better for you out there than me—the guy your father chose for you?”

  “First of all, my father didn’t choose you. He introduced us, but I chose you. Life is short, Sevin. We’re not even guaranteed tomorrow. Some people spend so much of their entire lives looking for that ‘something more’…that they miss the gifts that God places right in front of them.”

  “I’m not perfect, Elle. I’ve done some bad things. Sometimes, I feel like if you knew about them, you—”

  “I don’t want to know. That doesn’t matter to me. Loving someone means loving them despite their faults or mistakes. The Lord forgives you if you repent and accept Him.”

  While I felt that she truly believed that, our conversation still left me with more questions than answers. Namely, why I was suddenly overthinking the impending marriage when it was always supposed to be a business arrangement. I had accepted that. So, why was I suddenly questioning everything?

  ***

  The candles flickered as wax dripped down off of them. I was twenty-one and staring down at my first ever fucking birthday cake. It was triple-layer chocolate and baked fresh by Olga. Growing up, before Lillian, Dad never celebrated my birthday, and Lillian didn’t believe in birthday parties.

  “Where’s Aunt Imogene?” Emily asked.

  Olga set the dessert plates down. “She won’t be joining us for cake.”

  “Why not?”

  “She’s staying in her room for now,” Lance said.

  Imogene was odd; there was no doubt about that. But I found it kind of sad that they hadn’t allowed her to sit with us at dinner at all anymore. I partly understood why they made that decision because of Emily, but it still didn’t seem right. Elle or Evangeline would always just bring Imogene her dinner on a TV tray.

  “Hey, Seven-Up, blow out your candles!” Emily shouted.

  Staring into the flames, I extinguished them with one swift blow. Amidst the cheers and smiling faces, I couldn’t help but notice the other person missing and wondered if she were intentionally avoiding my birthday celebration.

  As if she could read my mind, Elle asked, “Where is Evangeline tonight?”

  Olga passed her a piece of cake. “Lord knows. That girl keeps cutting it close on that bike at dusk. I just pray one of these nights, it’s not a police officer knocking on our door instead of Evangeline.”

  My chest constricted at the thought of anything bad happening to her.

  Elle put her hand on my shoulder. “You okay, birthday boy?”

  “I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

  “You just look a little down all of a sudden.”

  “I’m okay, Ellebell. If you want to know the truth, this was the best birthday I’ve ever had in my entire life.” What I neglected to explain was how bad all of the other ones were. So, in truth, it wasn’t much of a compliment.

  I could hear the front door open, trying to ignore the sensations in my body that always seemed to erupt whenever I knew she was near. Something inside me always came alive, and despite my efforts to beat it down, it never ceased.

  “Hi. Sorry I’m late.”

  “You missed Sevin’s birthday party, Evangeline,” Emily scolded.

  “I’m sorry.” She flashed me a fleeting glance. “Happy birthday.”

  Her eyes were red. She looked like she’d been crying.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  She didn’t say anything, causing Elle to interject, “What’s wrong? What happened?”

  She shook her head as if she didn’t want to talk about it then whispered to Elle, “It’s Lorraine.”

  “Did she die?”

  She shook her head. “No.”

  Olga entered the dining room. “My word, Evangeline. What is going on now?”

  “I can’t talk about it. You’re gonna get mad at me, and I can’t deal with this tonight.”

  Lance raised his voice, “Does this have to do with those lesbians?”

  “Lance!” Olga turned to Emily. “Honey, please go to your room.”

  When Evangeline kept quiet, Lance repeated, “Well, what is it?”

  “You don’t really care. So, why do you want to know?”

  Olga leaned in. “Honey, what’s going on? You can tell us.”

  Speaking through tears, Evangeline said, “Lorraine is dying. She may not even make it through the night. The cancer has completely ravaged her. Adelaide is suffering. Lorraine’s family is at the hospital and won’t let Adelaide in the room. They’ve been together for twenty years. Lorraine is the love of her life, and Addy can’t even be
by her side when her partner takes her last breath. It’s breaking my heart, and there is nothing I can do.”

  Everyone was silent. Watching her cry was causing me physical pain. I remembered the story she told me on that first day about having to sneak around to visit her friends, and the reasons behind her having to hide it were now even clearer.

  “Evangeline, those women…they’re sinners,” Lance said. “What’s happening is unfortunate, but the laws of the state and the laws of God are the same. The way they’ve been living is wrong.”

  “You’re wrong, Daddy. Love is not wrong!”

  “I beg to differ. It is wrong when it’s between two members of the same gender. The Bible confirms that as well. I’m sorry. It’s perverse. That poor dying woman is going to hell.”

  My fists tightened. I could feel my blood boiling as memories of Lillian and the hate she used to spew flooded my brain. I wanted to punch Lance in the face in that moment. The frustrating thing was that I knew he truly believed he was right.

  Evangeline stormed out of the dining room. The front door slammed. I felt sick.

  Lance and Olga retreated to the kitchen, leaving Elle and me alone at the table.

  I turned to her. “What do you think about what your father just said?”

  “What specifically?”

  “That those women are going to hell for loving each other.”

  “I don’t know, Sevin. There’s a part of me that feels like it’s wrong…you know, two women together. It’s not what God intended. At the same time, I feel real badly for them and what they’re going through.”

  That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for out of her, and it only made me angrier. I’d had enough of this night. Needing to be alone, I got up from the table.

  “Thank you again for today. I’m kind of tired. I’m gonna head over to the house.”

  “Can I walk you?”

  “No. It’s okay.”

  “Alright.”

  Stepping outside was a welcome escape. Smoke mixed with the cool night air; a neighbor must have been burning firewood. My heart felt heavy, and I couldn’t even pinpoint the exact reason why anymore. I just wanted to get under my covers and shut off the world.