Undo Me

  “I told Jacob what I had done, and you were released from prison eight weeks later. Your record had to be sealed. That was another condition for me to keep my mouth shut. You kept the clothes to save me, McGraw, but they ended up saving you.”

  “I have been trying to tell you that since you were released from prison, but you’ve barely said two words to me that weren’t in reference to Giselle. I figured that eventually you would apply for a job somewhere or you would need your record pulled up for something. When the time came, you’d seek answers from Jacob and he would lead you to me.”

  “Jesus Christ,” he rasped overwhelmed with everything I revealed to him. “So, what, Aubrey? What do you want now? A thank you? Is that what you’re looking for? Or do you want me on my knees again?” he viscously spewed. “This doesn’t change anything. You made the decision to hide my daughter from me. My kid! I got no say in the matter. Not once did you ask me what I wanted. I have missed sixteen years of her life, and for what? After everything I did for you, after ten years of trying to save you from your own demise, that’s how you repay me? You knew! You fucking knew that I would have raised her. That I would have been there for her with or without you. No questions asked. You had every chance to tell me the truth! Every fucking opportunity under the sun to let me know I had a child! Nothing! Not one word!” he roared, pacing the room and pulling at his hair like he wanted to tear it out.

  “I used to wish it was dead,” I blurted out the truth. It had been haunting me since the day I found out I was pregnant.

  He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me with an expression I had never seen before. One of pure hatred so thick I could almost choke on it.

  “The day I found out I was pregnant, I wanted to kill it. I wanted to have an abortion. I wanted nothing to do with the mistake growing inside me, it was a constant reminder of my rape. I bawled my eyes out for two days straight trying to convince my mom and aunt to let me go through with it. They wouldn’t. They told me that I didn’t know if it was his.”

  “You’re not helping your case, darlin’. Now, you’re telling me they knew the entire time, too? How was I not informed by at least your mom? I could have-.”

  “Jesus, Dylan! What did you think was going on when you found me in my room? What did you think I was doing, smashing my fists into the mirror? What do you think I was going to do if you hadn’t barged in when you had?”

  He winced. It was quick, but I saw it.

  “Exactly. I couldn’t be near you. That day in the abandoned house you weren’t the only one left on your goddamn knees, McGraw! I was, too. I’ve been there the last sixteen years!”

  His chest heaved.

  “I went to live with my aunt for the entire pregnancy. I was going to give the baby up for adoption. I swear to you on Giselle’s life that I thought it was his. Not for one second did I think it could be yours. Not one!” I shook my head, hating the next thing I was going to admit out loud for the first time.

  “I thought it was a monster growing inside me, and I can’t fucking tell you…” I whimpered, my voice breaking. “How many times I contemplated doing it myself. Falling down the stairs, taking a coat hanger…” I shut my eyes, the shame eating me alive. “I wanted it dead. I wanted it dead so fucking bad, I couldn’t breathe. I used to pray that I would miscarry or that it would just disappear. How fucked up is that? The entire time I was pregnant I thought about him. His hands on me, his body over mine, his voice in my ear. Every single day I went through the rape all over again. I was positive it was his child, and there was no telling me I was wrong. I wouldn’t listen. I hated the thing living inside me! There were days where I would go without eating, where I wouldn’t take my prenatal vitamins, where I would miss doctor appointments, in hopes that it would die,” I cried, uncontrollable tears fell from my face.

  “Finally my aunt took charge and forced me to do everything I had to while I was pregnant. Pretty much dragging me in the car for the visits, making sure I was eating every day, and taking my vitamins. She barely let me out of her sight to use the bathroom, in fear of what I would do. I went to bed one night and woke up to a pool of blood in between my legs. I actually contemplated letting it die even if it meant killing me with it.”

  His eyes widened.

  “But I couldn’t do it. I woke her up and she rushed me to the emergency room. I was four weeks away from my due date, and they had to do an emergency C-section because I was hemorrhaging. I guess my efforts paid off. It all happened so fast. They took it out and all I remember was hearing it cry before I drifted in and out of sleep. I didn’t even know the sex. I didn’t even care to find out. They shouted ‘her heart’s going into distress’ as chaos filled the room and they whisked it away. I didn’t care. I was left with my aunt and my racing thoughts. My mom hadn’t made it in from North Carolina yet, so my aunt stepped in. I laid there, still hoping it wouldn’t survive.”

  “Jesus, Bree,” he breathed out.

  “The next morning I woke up to my mom sitting by my bed, crying. My aunt was doing the same. I thought they were going to tell me she had died. That there was nothing they could do, and she didn’t survive.” I took a deep breath. “The nurse brought in a wheelchair and I knew what they were trying to do. I said I wasn’t going. I told them I didn’t care to see her. I didn’t want her. They made me do this. I told them that I hated them.” I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking.

  “They forced me to go, pushing the wheelchair for me, bringing me to a room where there were incubators everywhere.” I wiped my face. “They didn’t even have to tell me where she was. I knew the moment we went into the room. She looked exactly like you, McGraw,” I paused to let my words linger.

  “That’s when I realized I almost killed our baby.”

  Tears fell from my eyes.

  “I thought I hated myself before, but it was nothing in comparison to what I went through in that second. They wheeled me toward her and she looked so tiny,” she sobbed, making me relive it with her. I felt like I was there.

  “She had tubes coming out of her everywhere, it was heartbreaking. They let me stick my hand through one of the holes. I got to touch her soft skin. I got to feel her for the first time. I loved her immediately, but I didn’t deserve her. She was there because of me. My mom said she would help me raise her, that we could tell you and that she knew you would be there for me. For us. That you would help in anyway that you could, and deep down I knew she was right, but I was fucked up, Dylan. I couldn’t raise her after everything I did, after everything I felt, everything I prayed for. My aunt said she would take her, that all I would have to do is sign over my parental rights. She promised me that if I ever changed my mind and wanted her back, she would be mine as long as I got help and dealt with all the emotional trauma.”

  I nodded in understanding, silently encouraging her to continue.

  “I didn’t think twice about it. I handed her over to someone that I knew would do right by her. My aunt never lied to her, Giselle always knew what happened and I always kept tabs on her. I just wasn’t in her life. Why do you think I ended up with Jeremy?”

  The realization hitting me like a ton of fucking bricks.

  “You were punishing yourself for giving up our child,” I answered, shaking my head in disbelief.

  “Don’t you think I deserved it? After what I wanted, after what I prayed for?”

  “I don’t know what I think anymore,” I honestly replied, my heart torn in two.

  She nervously chuckled, “Well, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the last six years, and if you would have allowed me a visit or read any of my letters, you would have known.”

  I peered up at the ceiling, emotionally spent and then looked back at her.

  “Come on,” I said, leading her down the hall.

  She followed me into the kitchen and I handed her a beer, chugging down mine in four swigs. Opening another right away. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and I sa
t on the barstool, hunched over with my arms propping up my head. A splitting headache was forming and I welcomed the distraction from the pain I felt in my heart.

  “I guess it’s a good thing you’re moving on, McGraw,” she announced, walking back in the kitchen. “Maybe this is the push I need to also move on from you. To move on from us. There’s no more secrets or lies. No more demons lurking in the shadows. We’re both free now.”

  I glanced up at her. “Moving on?” I replied confused.

  “Giselle.” She rubbed her forehead, leaning against the cabinet in front of me. “It’s why she’s been acting so funny toward you. It’s actually why I came here to talk to you. She found the ring.”

  I jerked back, stunned.

  “When were you going to tell her? I mean not that it matters, but we would like to meet her. I know Giselle’s really hurt that she had to find out that way. I tried to explain to her that you were probably looking for—”

  “It’s yours,” I simply stated, catching her completely off guard.

  “What?” She looked at me with confusion and hurt in her eyes.

  “It’s yours, Aubrey, the ring, it’s yours.”

  She lowered her eyebrows. “I don’t understand. When…”

  “Well, fuck. Might as well get everything out in the open, huh? Why the fuck not.” I shrugged.

  “Dylan, what are you—”

  “I was going to ask you to marry me.”

  “Oh my God, no, please don’t tell me—”

  “Yeah, darlin’, when we went away to the cabin. I was going to propose, I had it all planned out. The only reason I didn’t was because I couldn’t get a hold of your dad. I had been trying for weeks, leaving messages, texting him that I needed to talk to him. It’s why I was constantly checking my phone the entire week. I was hoping he would call me back.”

  Her face paled and she looked like she was going to be sick. She already knew what I was going to say next.

  “He called as we were heading to run on the trail. It’s the reason I told you to go by yourself. I didn’t want you to overhear our conversation. I needed some privacy so I could ask for your hand in marriage.”

  Fresh tears slid down her beautiful face. It took everything in me not to pull her into my arms and tell her I still loved her.

  “Do you honestly think I would have let you go alone, Bree? You know me. I’ve had to live with that regret for almost half of my life. I didn’t think the call would take that long. Ten minutes tops, so I let you go. Your dad was so excited, and he wouldn’t stop talking. Catching me up on his life, giving me marital advice, ironic, considering how he failed his marriage but fuck… I was trying to be polite. The last thing I wanted was to be rude to my future father in law. I thought about you the entire time. As soon as we got off the phone and I realized almost an hour had gone by and you still weren’t back. I fucking knew. I knew something bad had happened to you. I could feel it. The worse part was I allowed it,” I paused to let my words linger and then spoke with conviction,

  “All I wanted was a future with you, and one bad decision ended up costing me that.”

  A year went by since that night of clarity at his house.

  There wasn’t much more to say after that. We exorcised our demons and the truths were finally told. We were both emotionally drained, and at that point we agreed we needed some space from one another. To reflect on years of regrets that neither one of us could change.

  Dylan told Giselle about the ring the next time he had her for a weekend. She couldn’t wait to tell me all about it when she got home a few days later. Saying that she was right and he did still love me. We’re meant to be together. He wouldn’t have kept the ring all those years if he didn’t want to be with me.

  I wanted so desperately to believe her, but too much had happened.

  We had broken each other too many times to count.

  I explained to her that sometimes it’s better for two people to walk away from each other rather than keep hurting one another. I reassured her we’d always love her and be devoted parents to her for the rest of her life. It didn’t appease her, if anything it agitated her. She said I didn’t know what I was talking about and our love could surpass anything.

  That it already had been proven time and time again.

  Now it was time that we found our way back together.

  It’s where we belonged.

  A lot had changed since that night. Dylan was nice to me now, well, in his own Dylan way of course. We hung out with the boys, Alex, and sometimes it felt like old times, except we weren’t together.

  We were friends.

  It was nice to have him in my life again, even if it wasn’t in the way that I once hoped for.

  Dating was a lot harder than I remembered.

  I had gone on a few dates and not one of them kept my interest.

  Half-Pint said Dylan wasn’t dating anyone. She hadn’t seen any women around him, either. I found that hard to believe. He couldn’t go long without some sort of interaction with his dick. I think she was trying to keep me in the dark when it came to his sex life.

  “Mom, you think this looks okay?”

  I nodded, looking at Giselle in the mirror. She was dressed in a blue gown for her junior year prom.

  “Honey, you’re breathtakingly beautiful,” I beamed as I took her hand and made her spin for me.

  “What the fuck is she wearing?” Dylan roared, making me shake my head.

  Giselle and I both turned around to find him leaning against the doorframe in that McGraw sort of way. After all these years that look still made my panties wet. His arms crossed over his chest, one leg draped over the other with the biggest grin on his face. The man could be sinfully sexy even when he was being a complete asshole.

  He started to make himself more at home in my house, not knocking on the door when he came in, staying for dinner without being asked. He even crashed a few times in the guest bedroom. Giselle was always with us. There were very few times that we hung out alone without the boys or Alex.

  “Oh my God, you don’t like it?” Giselle panicked.

  I glared at him.

  Her Dad’s opinion topped everyone else’s. She had him wrapped around her finger and she knew it.

  “Where’s the rest of it?” he asked, looking her up and down.

  She followed his gaze. “What do you mean?” she said, holding her dress out, swaying for him side to side.

  “I mean…” He gestured toward his chest. “What’s up with this?”

  I shut my eyes, silently laughing.

  “They’re called boobs, Dad.”

  I had to turn around to hide my laughter. She was going to give him a heart attack.

  “No shit. Why are they out?”

  She looked at him like he had grown two heads. “I can’t really do much about that. I got them from Mom. You should know that, I catch you staring at them all the time.”

  I blushed, clearing my throat. “Giselle—”

  “I don’t like this. I don’t like this one fucking bit.” He pushed off the door and left.

  Her eyes widened.

  “Honey, you know your Dad, he’s just… well… he’s just kind of an asshole.”

  “Tell me about it. He threatened Mason about tonight. He warned him that if he didn’t keep his you-know-what in his pants that he would shoot it off.”

  I wasn’t surprised, I actually thought it was pretty tame for Dylan.

  “Reminding him that he’s already been to prison for killing someone so if he hurts me in anyway, he’d get one of his prison buddy’s to ‘take care’ of him. Mom, who’s Bubba?”

  I busted out laughing. She wasn’t amused.

  “Let me talk to him, okay? You have a great time tonight.”

  I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. Dylan was leaning against the counter with a beer in his hand and an empty bottle beside him.

  “Dylan—”

  “Don’t even fuckin’ try me, Bree,??
? he warned.

  “She’s seventeen and she’s going with Mason. You know, Mason, your best friend Lucas’ son?”

  “Exactly. Do you remember what Lucas was like at Mason’s age?”

  I bit my lip.

  “How about what I was like?”

  My eyes widened. Oh shit.

  “Should I keep going?” He pushed off the counter to stand in front of me. “What about what happened after my junior prom?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

  “Oh my God! She’s not going.”

  “I’ll go tell her,” he said over his shoulder as he walked away.

  I gripped his arm. “I’m kidding! Stop! She’s fine. I trust her. I trust Mason. He’s good to her. And let me remind you that Lucas was also good to Half-Pint, it was you boys that fucked everything up for them.”

  “Debatable.”

  I laughed. “You gotta let her grow up. She’s graduating next year. Who knows where she will want to go to college.”

  “Fine. Then give me another one,” he simply stated, almost knocking me on my ass.

  “What—”

  The doorbell rang and I jumped. Dylan didn’t even bat an eye. He starred at my hold on his arm and I instantly let go.

  “I’m going to… the door… umm… yeah that,” I stammered, leaving to go answer.

  I took thousands of pictures of our baby girl and Mason. It brought me back to the time when my mom had done the same thing to us. I made a mental note to tell her about it later. Dylan lurked in the back corner of the living room like a creeper, literally burning holes into Mason the entire time. Poor boy never stood a chance. We kissed Giselle goodbye and told her to have the time of her life. I held back the tears when I saw them get into the limo and drive off.

  I walked back into the living room and McGraw had made himself at home, sitting on my couch with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other.

  My heart pounded with every step I took, and at the last second I decided to sit in the armchair. My legs tucked underneath me as I stared into the TV, feeling his intense stare on the side of my face.