Don't Make Me Beautiful

  Brian lifts up an arm and slides it under her head. “Don’t cry. We can work it out.”

  “There’s no working this stuff out, Brian. It happened. I can’t just erase it like it never existed.”

  “No, but you can deal with it, and move past it to live a new life.”

  “I don’t know if I can do that. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

  “Oh, like hell,” he says, sounding frustrated. “Come on, you were a prisoner of war over there.” His voice takes on a superhero quality to her ears. “You lived in a battle zone occupied by the enemy for what … two years?”

  “Three.”

  “Jesus, three years, Nicole! Three years of psychological and emotional and physical abuse.”

  “How do you know what happened? I haven’t told you anything.”

  “No offense, because you know I think you’re cute, but I can tell by looking at your face and hands what he did to you physically. And the other stuff just goes along with that. You stayed, even though he almost killed you I don’t know how many times. Obviously, he psyched you out. He mind-fucked you big time. It happens all the time to really intelligent, strong women.”

  “He broke me,” she whispers. She hates saying the words, but once they’re out there, she feels a bit of the weight lift from her chest. To acknowledge being broken almost seems to pave the way for healing.

  “Bullshit. You’re not breakable. You’re easy to bruise, that’s for sure, but break? No. Huh-uh. I don’t accept that.”

  “Anyone ever told you you’re stubborn?” she asks, happy to move onto teasing topics rather than reality.

  “Nope. No one ever. Except anyone who’s ever known me.” He strains to look down at her. “We need to talk about getting the police involved.”

  She stiffens under his arm. “No.” Just the idea makes her want to panic. She’d get up and run into the bathroom if she thought her legs would support her right now.

  “Why not? Just tell me that. If your answer makes sense, I’ll let it go.”

  “If it makes sense to you,” she clarifies.

  “Of course. I’m the only sane person in the room, so that goes without saying.”

  She pinches his side and makes him flinch away for a second. “Don’t call me insane.” She worries in the back of her mind that calling her that would be too close to speaking the truth. The idea that John could have also taken her sanity from her is too much. Way too much. He already took so many things.

  “Then don’t say crazy shit like you’re not going to sic the police on his ass.”

  “I’m not.” She feels strongly about this, like she has no choice and she’s doing the healthy thing by moving on and letting it all go. The police can’t do anything, anyway. John already showed her that on more than one occasion.

  Brian sits up and turns to face her. “Tell me why. Please.”

  “Because.” She tries to hold his gaze but she can’t, so she stares at the ceiling. “If I tell them anything, they’ll go talk to him, he’ll find out I’m here and I’m talking to everyone about him, and he’ll come get me and kill me. And he’ll probably kill you too.” Tears spring to her eyes. “I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to you or your son.”

  “Shhhh, shhhh, shhhh…” Brian turns on his side and hugs her, his body touching hers through the covers from chest to ankle while her broken arm rests on her outer hip. “Don’t cry. And don’t even think that, because it’s not going to happen.”

  Her good arm snakes out from under the covers almost of its own volition and slides under and around his neck. She puts her heavily-casted arm over his hip and awkwardly squeezes him to her, like she’s drowning and he’s the only thing that can save her.

  The pain in her ribs fades out as she focuses on this man beside her, this good person doing nothing but trying to help. Imagining John coming over here and smashing his fist into Brian’s face is making her frantic with worry and hurt. She cannot let anything happen to this beautiful man. She remembers his words to Liam as he stood on the front doorstep of John’s house with his son. “Remember what I said about integrity.” John has no integrity whatsoever. He’d come in here and destroy this family and never blame it on himself or his insanity. He’d blame it on her.

  “I know him, Brian, better than anyone. He’ll hurt you! He’ll hurt Liam!” She’s frantic, unable to keep the horror inside. She can actually picture him doing it, the look of satisfaction on his face as he delivers the fatal blows.

  Brian’s big hand comes up and strokes the side of her head as his face lifts away from the pillow. He tilts himself back but stops when he’s only inches away. “No, he won’t. I’m telling you, Nicole, I won’t allow it. It’s just not going to go down like that.”

  “How do you know?” she whispers, staring into his pool-blue eyes. She wants to drown in them right now and never come out again.

  “Because, I know who I am and I know who he is. He’s no match for me.”

  She could not agree more, but he’s not talking about the same thing she is. He’s talking about physical strength and she’s thinking about strength of character. “He’s stronger,” she whispers.

  “No, he’s not. I am.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “No, I’m not, want to know how I know this?”

  She nods, her head barely moving. She’d give anything to hear something come out of his mouth that she could believe in.

  “Because, he’s fighting for control over a possession. A thing. I’m fighting for a human being who I value and want to have in my life because I respect her and enjoy the person who she is inside. That makes my motivation stronger and my power more sure.”

  Her lips tremble at his declaration. He has no idea how right he is about John’s perception of her. She is a possession, a thing to be owned and controlled and never relinquished. Until death do us part. “Are you a superhero or something?”

  “Or something,” he says.

  For a really long time they just stare at each other’s faces. Nicole’s heart does a flip when his eyes roam from her eyes to her mouth and she finds herself doing the same. He has such beautiful lips, full and dark red. It makes her sad to think that it’ll be another girl who gets to touch them someday but never her.

  “I really want to kiss you right now,” he says.

  Her throat almost closes with the panic and disbelief that overwhelms her. “What?” she eventually croaks out.

  He gives her the most charming half-grin she’s ever seen. “Did you really not hear me or you just like hearing me say it twice?”

  She tries to answer, but the words won’t come out. She moves her lips and air comes, but no sound.

  “Speechless. I’ve rendered you speechless haven’t I?”

  She nods.

  “Okay, so here’s the score,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper, “I’m going to lean in towards you. My plan is to give you a kiss. If you don’t want me to, all you have to do it turn your head a little and I’ll stop. It’s up to you.”

  She’s frozen, her heart going a mile a minute. He cannot possibly want to kiss me. Why would he want to kiss me? I’m disgusting! I’m horribly ugly! I’m damaged beyond saving!

  His mouth moves closer and closer. The heat from his breath puffs over her lips. The moment before he’s close enough to touch, she closes her eyes and a tear slips out of each lid. But she doesn’t move her head. Not one millimeter.

  Lips touch hers. Warm. Soft. There’s almost no pressure coming from him, so it’s as if just a whisper of a kiss is there.

  She doesn’t move a muscle. A piece of her says he doesn’t mean it as the kind of kiss she wants from him. He’s pretending to be her brother. He’s just being kind. He’s trying to make her feel better.

  And then his lips are gone. She waits a few seconds and then opens her eyes.

  His expression is serious as he stares at her. “You didn’t turn your head.”

  “Should I have?”
Embarrassment floods through her. Was this a test that she just failed?

  “Heck no. Not if you want to kiss me.”

  She smiles but her lips tremble. More tears slip out.

  “Why are you crying?” he whispers.

  She can’t say. There’s been enough embarrassment for one night. For one lifetime, really.

  “Is it because it was terrible? Big disappointment?”

  She shakes her head and whispers, “No.”

  “Maybe I should do it again.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. To try and do better.”

  “I mean … why are you kissing me at all?” She can’t believe those words came out of her mouth. His kiss has obviously opened the door between her thoughts and her lips, letting anything just spill out.

  “Because you’re cute. Because I want to. Do I need another reason?”

  She backs up, pulling her broken arm off him. Coldness is entering her heart and shutting down the warmth that had started to build. “That’s a lie.”

  “What’s a lie? That I want to kiss you?”

  “No, that I’m cute. Maybe that other part too.”

  Brian very carefully picks up her broken arm and puts it back where it was, all the while staring into her eyes. “You listen to me, you stubborn little thing … you can’t tell me what I think about you, okay? That’s for me to decide.”

  “There’s no way you could think I’m cute. Not unless you’re blind. And you drove a car, so I know you’re not.”

  “I have twenty-twenty vision, thank you very much, and I can too think you’re cute. You’re funny, smart, wicked terrible at cards even though you refuse to admit it, and you have a nice ass. I add that all up and it equals cute to me.”

  “I think I will take that job you offered me earlier,” she says, happiness filling her heart and making her feel like she can fly.

  “Oh yeah? Why the change of heart now?”

  “Because. You obviously can’t add. I can’t imagine how much money you’ve lost over the years doing your own billing.”

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  BRIAN COMES IN FROM THE workshop and stops in the doorway so he can watch Nicole working at his desk without her knowing. Her broken arm is resting on the surface awkwardly as she runs the fingers of her free hand over the keyboard of his computer. She’s been busy for the last couple days getting all his accounts put into a computer program she’s used before.

  From behind, you’d never be able to tell she was nearly killed a week ago. Her posture is pretty straight, her hair is covering the spots where chunks are missing, and her movements are smoother than they have been since he met her.

  He knows her ribs still hurt, but they’re getting better. Day by day, she improves. The idea that she has a paying job seems to have inspired her.

  Tonight will be another big test on her path to healing; Liam is due home in an hour. She’s been fretting about it all day. Brian has been too, but on a different level. Like any parent of a young child would be, he’s worried that his son will either blurt out something terrible, or run away screaming in fear. Brian is hoping that since his son has already seen her once, Nicole’s face won’t be nearly as shocking. Helen is supposed to be preparing him for seeing her, and Brian’s sure she’ll also be coaching him on what to say. The only issue is that Liam doesn’t always do what he’s told.

  “Oh, hey,” she says, turning around, her face for a split second carrying an expression of fear. “You snuck up on me.” A smile comes, but it falters and then falls away.

  Brian pushes off the doorframe and comes inside, shutting and locking the door behind him before coming into the living room. “I like watching you.”

  She tries to smile again but doesn’t quite pull it off.

  “Is that creepy?” he asks, coming into the room and dropping onto the couch.

  “Maybe a little.”

  Brian nods, wanting to ask if it’s something John did but hating the idea of bringing his ghost into the room. “How’s it going in that mess of stuff?” he asks, gesturing with his chin at the computer.

  “Not bad, really. You don’t really need me. You were doing fine with paper records.”

  Brian knows this is true, but if he admits it then he can’t very well convince her to stay and be his assistant. “Bah. I hate that stuff. You’ll free me up to do more work and make more money.”

  “Which you’ll need just to pay me,” she says, rolling her eyes.

  “Yes, but the goal is to make more than I pay you, and you can’t forget to account for the lack of headache I’ll have trying to add and subtract all the time.” He smiles, remembering the other night when he kissed her. He hasn’t tried to do it again, but damn does he want to.

  The damage to her face means nothing to him. Something about her is so attractive, despite all of that. He’s not sure if it’s her inner strength, the force that kept her alive in spite of everything that was done to her, or the fact that she needs him and makes him feel necessary … important … needed. It probably doesn’t hurt that she has a rockin’ body that no amount of horrific abuse managed to change about her. She needs quite of bit of meat on her bones, but even what she has is damn fine as far as he’s concerned.

  He wishes he could get her to understand that, but all his efforts have fallen on deaf ears. She will not accept the fact that he finds her attractive or that there’s anything about her that would make a man interested in her. Listening to her talk, you’d think she was a sea monster or something.

  “Why are you staring at me like that?” she asks. She doesn’t sound mad about it or scared anymore.

  “Because, I want to kiss you again. Seeing you do my accounting makes me all hot and bothered.” He wiggles his eyebrows at her.

  Her face goes pink as she turns around and shuffles some papers around, looking busy doing a whole lot of nothing. “Shush. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

  “I’m not the one with the red face.” He loves making her flustered. She gives the impression that she hasn’t played any flirting games in a long time, maybe ever. It makes Brian want to do it all the time.

  “I’m not listening to you right now,” she says, pulling out a sheet of paper and putting it down in front of the keyboard. “I have work to do.”

  The sound of a car door being slammed shut and footsteps running up the front walk comes through the front door. Brian is looking at Nicole at the exact moment she hears the sounds. Her whole body freezes, and the pink heat in her face disappears in an instant. Now she’s as pale as a ghost.

  “Oh my god,” she whispers, panic in her voice, “he’s here.”

  Brian gets up from the couch and walks over to her, speaking in a calm voice. “It’s just Liam … relax.” Putting his hand on her shoulder, he massages it gently. “He’s just a little kid.”

  “But … but …” She turns in her seat and grunts as she stands too fast for her ribs. “He’ll see me!” She tries to get around Brian, but he’s blocking her way. He puts his hands on her upper arms.

  “Of course he’s going to see you. He lives here, just like you.” Brian stares at her, trying to figure out what she’s thinking. She looks like she’s afraid it’s John out there.

  A little fist bangs on the door. “Open up, Dad! It’s me! I’m hooooome!” Then the doorbell goes bananas, ringing about ten times, the sound vibrating all over the room.

  Nicole strains against Brian’s hold, still trying to go around him. “But he can’t see me! He’s afraid of me!”

  “Babe. Just relax, okay? Everything’s going to be fine.” He lets go of her, worried she’s going to think he’s manhandling her.

  “It’s not going to be fine,” Nicole says, tears welling up in her eyes. “I can’t do this!” The paper she was holding in her hand flutters to the floor.

  The sound of a key in the lock stops her next complaint in its tracks. She shuts her mouth with a snap as the door begins to open.

  Nicole steps
sideways and positions herself behind Brian.

  He turns to face the door, not moving away to expose her. If this is how it needs to happen for her, he’s going to do whatever he can to help her out. The one thing he won’t do is hide her away like she’s got something to be ashamed of. Liam and Helen need to meet her right from the start and accept the fact that she’s a new member of the household, for as long as he can convince her to stay.

  “Hi, Daddy!” says Liam, coming into the room. He’s followed closely by Helen. They both stop when they’re far enough into the room to see that Brian’s not alone.

  “Hey, Li-Li! Glad you’re back.” Brian stays put, speaking as casually as possible. “I want you to meet someone.” He holds his hand out for his son, gesturing for him to come close.

  “Mommy already told me that Briana is here,” the little boy says in a more subdued tone. “I got her a present.”

  Helen walks farther into the room, over her initial reticence. “Sorry we came back early. I have a ton of work to get done before I get on that plane and I can’t focus at all with Liam running around.” She looks down at their son. “No offense, my love.”

  “It’s okay. Daddy always says I’m a handful and a half, so I understand.”

  Helen looks up at Brian and smiles, only glancing briefly over his shoulder at the woman behind him. “Where does he get this stuff?”

  “I blame it on the television,” says Brian. “Listen, I know you’re in a hurry, but I want you to meet … Briana.”

  He looks over his shoulder and catches Nicole’s eye. “Can I introduce you?”

  Panic-stricken is the only way to describe what he sees there in her expression. But she presses her lips together and nods once.

  He winks to reassure her and then turns sideways to expose her to his family. “Briana, I’d like you to meet my former wife, Helen, and my son, Liam.”