Don't Make Me Beautiful

  “That’s pretty poetic.” She says, not sure she agrees.

  “You like it?” He’s smiling.

  “Maybe. I’m not sure I agree, but I guess it doesn’t matter.”

  He takes her hand and weaves his fingers through hers, the bunny abandoned in his lap. “I guess I just want you to know that I like how you are, scars included. There’s nothing you can say that will change that.”

  “How can you be so sure?” she says, unable to put any decent volume to the words. Memories assail her mind of another pink bunny.

  “Because, I know who I am. That’s just me.”

  “Just you.” He acts like that’s such a simple thing, when in reality, it’s everything. It’s the dream she never dared dream. The fantasy she never dared entertain. It cannot be possible that Brian really exists like this as a human being.

  “Yeah. That’s what I say. Just me.”

  “I don’t understand.” The ability to express herself has abandoned her. She feels like half her brain has gone on vacation, leaving just the parts that will keep her alive and conversing on a very basic level. All these emotions and memories and wishes are getting tangled into a mass of confusion. A headache moves in to take over her focus.

  “I guess I’ll just have to keep working to help you understand. In the meantime, we’ll just breathe in and out, eat, sleep, maybe kiss a little and eventually it’ll all work out.”

  She smiles sadly. “You don’t want to kiss me.” She wants to cry with how much she wishes he really did.

  “I’m willing to prove it right here and now.” He turns slightly on the bed to face her.

  Her hand comes up to rest on his chest as she battles tears. “I don’t think I could manage that right now. Just … leave me be.”

  He reaches up and strokes the side of her face. “For now, I can do that. But later? Maybe I’ll be able to convince you to take a walk on the wild side.”

  “I’m pretty sure I’ve had enough of the wild side to last me for a lifetime.”

  “Okay, then. We’ll call it taking a vacation from the wild side.”

  “What about Liam? And Helen? Aren’t they going to think that’s really … twisted? That you’d want to kiss a person who looks like me?”

  “They know me and they love me. They’ll trust whatever I do is the right thing for me and my son. You don’t need to worry about them.”

  “But Liam’s so young … how will he even be able to deal with me being here for a few days? It’s going to be really upsetting for him. And if he sees John out on the street, he could say something and then …” She can’t finish. The idea is too horrible to imagine.

  “Helen talked to him. She didn’t give him all the details, but he understands that someone hurt you and that we can’t talk about it outside the house.”

  “He asked me to go outside,” Nicole says in a soft voice. “To watch him with his truck.”

  “Yeah. He’s six. He forgets stuff or maybe he didn’t get that part. But we’ll handle it. He’s used to playing inside, and I can take him to the park during the week to help him blow off steam. You can just stay inside and rest and work on my books.”

  “Slavedriver, huh?” The grin is back, playing along her lips. She so wants to stop talking about depressing things for once in her life. She’s spent years living in darkness; the light is dangerously attractive right now. She wants to believe that a six-year-old boy can keep her secret and remain safe, even with John right around the corner.

  “Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I plan on cracking the whip regularly.”

  “I like doing it. It keeps my mind off things.”

  “Good,” he says standing, holding out his hand. “Then it’s a win-win.”

  “Where are we going?” she asks, taking his hand and standing slowly, mindful of the pain.

  “Back out there so Liam can finish playing Santa Claus. Then we’ll have dinner and relax for a while before bed. Sound good?” He steps closer to her once she’s upright and takes her in a very gentle hug. “You’re going to be fine, you know.”

  “I know,” she says against his chest, almost believing it herself. “I have a boo-boo bunny now, so I’m good.” Saying it isn’t as painful as she expected it to be.

  “That’s right.” He rubs her back up and down, slowly, taking the pain away.

  Nicole wishes she could stay right here exactly like this for the rest of her life, but the sound of the doorbell ringing comes through the bedroom door. Nicole stiffens as she realizes that it means there’s someone outside wanting to come in. “Who is that?” she whispers, all of a sudden feeling very panicky.

  Brian pulls away, his expression serious. “I don’t know. I’ll go see. You stay here and lock the door.”

  Nicole watches his broad, muscular back as he leaves the room, following to lock up behind him. The panic has set in deep, in record time, bringing her from serene, happy, and hopeful to freaking out in a matter of seconds. Placing her ear against the wood, she tries to pick up clues as to who is there at the front door. Please, don’t let it be John!

  Chapter Thirty-One

  HELEN’S ON HER WAY TO the door when Brian bursts out of the hallway.

  “Helen!” he says, trying not to yell too loud, but needing to stop her before she opens the door to who knows what.

  She stops at the door and turns around. “What?”

  Brian waves his hands frantically back and forth. “Don’t!” he whisper-yells. “It could be him!”

  “Him who?” asks Liam, looking from one parent to the other.

  “Take Liam into his room,” Brian says, sweeping him up into his arms and handing him over to his mother.

  Helen glares at him as she takes their child from Brian. “We need to talk about this.”

  Brian nods. “Later. Go.”

  “But I want my truck!” whines Liam as they leave the room, his hand outstretched towards the radio-controlled monstrosity on the table.

  Brian glances at it and then the hallway, making sure they’re around the corner before opening up the door. He turns the deadbolt and takes the handle, twisting it open to reveal their surprise visitor.

  “Oh, good, I got the right house.”

  Brian’s heart stops beating. The opening scene of his worst nightmare is playing out right here, right this moment on his front door step. He finds his voice a few seconds later and his heart begins thumping again, only now at twice its normal speed. “Yeah, this is me. What’s up?”

  “Mind if I come in?”

  Brian can tell John is trying to act cool, but the guy’s eyes are darting around the space behind Brian like he’s searching the place.

  “Sure, for a minute. I’m in the middle of doing my books, though, so I can’t stop for more than a minute or two or I’ll never get them done.”

  John steps into the front hall, his smile not reaching his eyes. “I won’t stay long. I just wanted to drop this by for ya.” He holds up a half a sheet of paper with lines on it.

  Brian takes it and stares at the figures. “The bill for the window.”

  “Yeah. I got it fixed pretty cheap. If you just want to write a check or give me cash, that’d be cool. We’ll call it done, no harm, no foul.”

  The last thing Brian wants to do is leave this guy in the front hall, but he also doesn’t want to give him an excuse to come back again. Getting him paid is the smartest thing to do and the best way to keep Nicole safe from his prying eyes and ham-sized fists.

  “Hang on a sec and I’ll get you a check.” Brian leaves John in the foyer and walks swiftly over to his desk. He scrambles around, looking for the checkbook.

  “So, where’s your boy?” John asks. He’s in the family room now, looking around, his eyes taking in every detail.

  “He’s playing in his bedroom.” Brian’s freaking out. Nicole organized his stuff and now he has no idea where the checkbook is. It used to be in the pile of papers, but she’s gone through all of them and filed them away, leaving the desktop
mostly clear. He pulls out drawers and scrabbles through the things inside, hoping to see the faux leather cover before John gets any bolder.

  John moves towards the hallway.

  Brian’s head jerks up. “I’m having a hard time finding the checkbook.”

  “Oh, take your time.” John waves at him casually as he looks down the hallway. “I’ve got all day. Sunday’s supposed to be a day of rest, right? I’m just chillin’ at home, watching TV.”

  Brian stares at him for a couple more seconds, afraid to take his eyes off him for a second. The guy looks ready to start opening doors, and he knows he’s full of shit. No way is John hanging out at his house. The police are too interested in finding him and asking him questions about the woman they found nearly dead on his living room floor.

  “Hey, mind if I use your bathroom?” John asks.

  Brian’s heart leaps into his throat. He’s opening his mouth to say something, when he hears a door open. The blood drains out of his face as he pictures Nicole walking down the hallway and leaving the house with John.

  “Hi,” says Helen’s voice, coming to the end of the hallway. She holds out her hand when she’s in front of John. “My name is Helen. And you are …?”

  John’s face is split by a wide grin. “Hi, Helen. I’m John, your neighbor.”

  Brian knows this expression on Helen’s face. Strangers would take it as a confident, not-very-engaged smile. He knows better. She’s ready to eat John for lunch, and not in a good way. “Not my neighbor. I don’t live here. I’m just here dropping our son off.”

  “Oh, so you’re not …” He looks over at Brian. “You guys aren’t married?”

  “Not anymore.” Helen moves into the family room. “Brian, the toilet’s backed up again and I’m not plunging. I thought you talked to Liam about using all that toilet paper.”

  “Uhhh … I did. Like ten times. Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.” Brian looks at John. “Sorry about that. Looks like the bathroom is out of commission. The one in the master is all torn up with remodeling, so for now I guess we’re without facilities. Tell you what … I’ll just drop a check by your place tomorrow. I can leave it with your wife or put it in your mailbox …?” Brian’s proud of himself that he remembered to act like he expected Nicole to be there. Throw him off the scent.

  “Yeah, that works. Just put it in the box. Make it payable to John Arnold.” He spells out the name and Brian goes back to the desk to write it on an envelope he finds in a slot on the desk.

  Brian walks to the front door, trying to drop a big fat hint. “Okay, it was nice seeing you again. Sorry about the window and all the hassle with getting it fixed.”

  “Eh, don’t worry about it. Shit happens, right? Kids do crazy stuff all the time.”

  “Yeah.” Brian shakes John’s hand, trying not to feel ill over the fact that he’s touching the man who hurt Nicole so badly. It’s ironic how he wants to punish the guy with more abuse. It makes him think that there’s a part of him that’s just as violent as John. But it is what it is. If Brian somehow gets the chance to take an eye for an eye, he just might do it.

  “Take care.” John walks out the door, looking back over his shoulder. “See you around, Helen.”

  Helen mumbles just behind Brian, softly so their visitor won’t hear it. “Not in this lifetime.”

  Brian shuts the door and breathes out a long sigh of relief, running his hand through his hair. “That was fucked up,” he says, his blood pressure through the roof.

  “We need to get the police involved, Brian. You know that.”

  “Yes, I do. I just need a little more time to convince Nicole.”

  “Well, get it done. I can’t let Liam be around that guy. He’s poison.” She puts her hands on her upper arms and rubs them up and down. “Did you feel it when he was in here? He’s like giving off demon vibes or something.”

  Brian takes her in a hug, rubbing her back to try and make her feel better. “I keep wondering if I’m just being a chick thinking that stuff about him. I know what you mean.”

  “You are very in touch with your feminine side,” she says, chuckling.

  A noise at the end of the hallway interrupts his next comment. Nicole is standing there, looking stricken.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  SEEING BRIAN AND HELEN STANDING there like that, embracing with that look on their faces, tells Nicole everything she needs to know about them. They’re still in love. They should be together.

  Sadness weighs like a heavy quilt across her shoulders, as she’s reminded with painful clarity how hope can be a dangerously insidious thing. It slides into a person’s life and makes her believe things that aren’t true, causes her to start changing her plans and dreaming of crazy futures, and then before she knows it, she’s all upside down when reality comes calling again.

  Nicole’s original plan to leave in three days stretched to a week and then into a full-time job. Hope made her think it could all be possible, that she could have something of a future here. But there’s no way she can stay in this house when she’s interfering with Brian and Helen getting back together. They have a son together, a sweet one who buys boo-boo bunnies for monsters with broken bones. And Nicole knows she has nothing to offer any man, let alone one as amazing as Brian. She’s just too far gone from the girl she used to be.

  “Come on in, he’s gone,” says Brian, detaching himself from Helen and walking over to her.

  Nicole moves quickly into the room and towards the couch to keep him from getting too close. “What did he want? Was he here to look for me?” On top of her former hopes and dreams swirling down the drain, now she’s also suffering the panic of knowing she’s being hunted. There’s nothing quite like being prey to keep a girl on her toes.

  “I think so.” Brian sighs. “I’m sorry about that. He’s gone now, though, and he has no reason to come back. I told him I’d mail him a check or drop it by his house.”

  “He wanted to come through the house, though,” says Helen. “He tried to use the bathroom.”

  “Thanks for that, by the way,” Brian says to her. “Good call on the plunger thing.”

  Helen shrugs. “What can I say? I was inspired by the plumbing I had to do with Liam at the house this week.” She looks over at Nicole, her expression going serious. “I already talked to Brian about this, and I know he says he’s going to discuss it with you, but I can’t wait for him to ease you into it.”

  Brian starts to cut her off. “Helen, I don’t think …”

  “…Yeah, I know you don’t. But I do. Nicole, you need to report what happened to the police.”

  Nicole freezes in the middle of moving papers around on Brian’s desk. Panic takes hold as her face burns a dark, hot red. Run! Run!

  “I’m .. I’m sorry … but I can’t.” Nicole looks around the room, wishing she could take off out the front door and never come back. She hates that she’s stuck here, even if it’s only for a short while. She feels out of control and, in a way, bullied with Helen standing here saying these things. It’s none of this woman’s business what happened to her or what John might have done. It’s Nicole’s private shame to deal with, not this stranger’s. Helen is just trying to help, but what she doesn’t get is that she’s asking Nicole to surrender herself to the enemy, and that’s something she’ll never do.

  “Tell us why,” Helen insists. “I want to understand. We both do.”

  “You can’t understand. I’m sorry.” Nicole turns around and starts walking towards the hall, passing by Brian.

  Helen turns her attention to her ex-husband. “I told you before, Brian. You need to report this to the police and have him arrested.”

  “I know what you told me, Helen,” Brian’s voice rises, his anger on display for the whole house to hear, “and I told you that I’d handle it my way. I don’t appreciate you interfering and trying to intimidate Nicole into doing something she’s not ready to do.”

  Nicole’s heart soars as she walks do
wn the hallway and reaches the bedroom. She’s never had anyone stick up for her before and it makes her feel valuable. Worth something. Important.

  “I’m not trying to intimidate anyone. I’m trying to help!” Helen’s voice follows Brian down the hall.

  “Well help with something else!” he yells back, reaching Nicole and putting his hand on her elbow. She stops with her hand on the doorknob.

  “I need to lie down, Brian.”

  “Just wait one minute. Please?”

  She turns to face him.

  He puts his hands on her cheeks and stares deeply into her eyes. “Listen to me. You don’t need to do anything that you don’t want to do, okay? We’re on your time schedule, not Helen’s, not mine, and definitely not John’s, okay?”

  The bottomless pool of tears that lies within her offers up some more, and they spill over onto his fingers. She can only nod, words too painful to push past the lump in her throat.

  “You know how I feel about it. Now you know how Helen feels about it. You know how everyone at the hospital felt about it, and I’ll bet you know how John feels about it too. But we’ll do it when and if you’re ever ready. Not before. Got me?”

  She nods again, relief filling her heart and love blooming like a summer rose. Leaving is going to be so painful.

  “Go take a nap if you want and I’ll put some dinner together for us.”

  “More pizza?” she says, trying to move past the ache with a lame attempt at a joke.

  “Nope. Spaghetti. You game?”

  “I’m game,” she says, letting go of her panic and anger over the police issue. Everything is going to work out one way or another; there’s no point in panicking or deciding right at this second what needs to be done.