The Irreversible Reckoning

  ***

  “Oh, my God!” Rachel said, as she laid her head on my stomach and gently moved her hands around, “Oh, my God! Brynna!”

  Now, let me clarify this: A year and a half had passed between mine and Rachel’s conversation about Joe and their attempts to conceive and my sudden pregnancy. We had lost Joe in that time. It was tragic, and terrible, and utterly traumatizing. He died a death he did not deserve to die, a death that slandered whatever name he might have had, and robbed his wife of him at a time when despite their circumstances, they were happy, and in those circumstances, they were one of the only blessings the other had. I will remember Joe Klein until the day I die, and I wish that I could say that I remember only his life, but his death, and the after-effects of his death, are what I remember most of all. I will remember her scream after they swung the blade down on his neck more frequently and with more pain than I will remember him, and I am sad to say that. I am sad that they took the memories of Joe, my best friend’s husband, Joe, my friend, Joe, the botanist, and Joe, the joker, and replaced them with the memories of that blade, that death, that scream…

  I tell you all of this so I can say this: Coming to Rachel with news of my pregnancy was about as easy as going to my parents had been. She would not be mad like they had been, but she would hurt. She would hurt badly.

  “I know!” I said, and I only beamed brightly when I saw the huge smile on her face. “I was unsure if I should tell you, because…”

  “No, crazy ass! Of course you should tell me! I’m happy for you! Is Adam happy? What did he say?”

  “No, no…” I grasped her hand, “I don’t want to talk about this unless you are alright, Rachel.”

  “Brynna.” She squeezed my hands and turned my head so I was looking at her, “I am so happy. Read my mind. Read my heart.” She grinned, “And tell me what Adam said, or I’ll punch you, because I need to know!”

  “Uh, fine. He said nothing about that damn prophecy, thank God, because he must know that I do not want to hear about it. But he is so happy! He’s so excited that he is going to have a daughter. Terrified, too, but then, so am I.”

  “Oh, my God, can you imagine what Penny is going to do when she finds out that she is going to have a little sister?”

  “Oh, my God, I didn’t tell you. When I saw her today, she ran up to me, touched my belly, beamed from ear to ear, and said, ‘It’s a girl, Mama!’”

  “No, she didn’t.”

  “She did!”

  “Oh, my God, Brynn, she’s going to be just like you.”

  “Oh, God, don’t say that. Also, fun side note, do you know how many times we have said ‘oh, my God’ in the past three minutes of conversation?”

  “Oh, my God, we’ve probably said ‘Oh, my God’ about thirty times!” She threw her arms around me and began to rock me back and forth as she squeezed me, “It’s the huge burst of estrogen in this room that can only be brought about by a birth announcement! By the promise of new life! By the promise of a new ass-kicking female being added to our family of ass-kickers!”

  She kissed my cheek obnoxiously, and I laughed.

  “What about James?” I asked her suddenly, and I wondered for a moment if I had said it at all. Her reaction told me that I had; she turned to me abruptly with her eyes slightly wide.

  “Brynna…” She said, “We’ve talked about this. It’s been almost three years, honey.”

  “I know.”

  “You two have spent this entire time fighting. He has tried to kill you.”

  “I know. Just ignore me. It’s an old habit to worry about him. A habit that won’t break, I suppose.”

  “Remember what we always say: He’s gone, and it’s irreversible, but he’s alright.”

  “Somewhere, he’s happy. Somehow, he’s happy.” I shrugged, and tried to pretend like what I said next did not totally destroy me inside. “Maybe he and Janna will have a baby now.”

  Rachel grasped my hand, knowing that I was saying that only because I should.

  “I don’t think so. But if they do, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Okay?”

  I nodded.

  “Of course.”