The Irreversible Reckoning

  ***

  “Look, man, you punked her hardcore.” Eli told me, as he took a long drag on his cigarette. He was out in his yard, his shirt tied around his head to protect him from the hot morning sun, raking the leaves from the trees that had accumulated to epic proportions while he was gone. In the house, I saw his wife, Melinda, sitting at the table, painting her nails, a Rover-Phone pressed to her ear. The perfect picture of the trophy wife.

  Don’t get me wrong, I did not want Alice to be like Melinda. For one thing, Melinda was short-tempered and lazy; when Eli was home, we could hear her shouting at him halfway up the block, and when he wasn’t home, she did nothing to keep the house looking good, as evidenced by the huge pile of leaves Eli was raking. But as I watched her through the window, watched her throw back her raven-haired head and laugh heartily at something one of her many friends was saying on the Rover-Phone, I pictured myself, out in our yard, raking leaves, looking in at Alice as she sat at our kitchen table in her bathrobe, painting her nails, throwing back her blonde-haired head and laughing at something one of her many friends was saying on the Rover-Phone. The perfect picture of the trophy wife. Of the wife in general.

  Oh, my God. If Brynna Olivier had heard those thoughts, she would have punched me so hard, my jaw would have flown off. Not because there is anything wrong with being a wife, but because Alice was not that image at all. I wanted to punch myself, just for having thought it. But I had thought it, and I had to accept it. I didn’t want Alice to be that stereotypical picture of the perfect wife, not for the reasons that you might think. It wouldn’t be so that I could be the stereotypical picture of the male, out “bringing home the bacon,” as they say, and coming home to a loving wife who had dinner on the table for me. That is definitely not it. But did I want her to have normalcy? Did I think that that image is maybe what she would have been had the world not changed so much? Maybe. She wouldn’t have been like Melinda in that Melinda sat at home all day, but she would have been able to sit in our kitchen, painting her nails, and laughing on the phone (probably with Violet) had the world not changed.

  It sounds like I’m trying to compensate for the thought, or that I’m lying to look better. But I’m just trying to make sense of why seeing Melinda sitting there made me picture Alice in the same place.

  “What do you mean I punked her?” I asked.

  “You clearly didn’t talk about staying home beforehand. She was shocked. So, of course she was pissed. The War Room is not exactly the place to drop a bomb like that.”

  “I know. Look, man, it just came out. Shilon was talking, and you know how I love Shilon…”

  “Yeah, I know.” He replied, “Someone needs to knock that motherfucker’s teeth out.”

  “I know. And what I said is true… His sons don’t give a shit what they get out of people in interrogations. I think that all of them want this war to keep going, because they’re in demand. Shilon is in demand because of the battles he fought and won way back in the First, and his sons are in demand because they got so much shit out of people in the Second.”

  “Well, yeah, but the Second was way less intense than the First.”

  The First happened when Adam and Tyre first went to war. That is when men like Shilon and the Lord of War rose to prominence on their respective sides. The Second happened after the war had mellowed out somewhat, and then resurged again, which occurred after Tyre had killed someone very close to Adam. And the Third is where we came in. The big, bad Third.

  “Still, they led our Commanders to their Commanders, and they almost got Tyre because of it, so people took notice.” I replied, “Regardless, I said what I said, and I want that, man. I want to just stay here. I’m sick of moving around.”

  “We’re all sick of moving around, but we do what we have to do. You think I want to be out on the road?”

  “Yeah, I do. Because you hate your wife.”

  “Well, yeah.” He replied, “But regardless of that…”

  I laughed, because it never failed to entertain me how readily he would admit that he was less than fond of his wife. He grinned, too, knowing how it entertained me.

  “I’d rather be here with her, listening to her nag me incessantly, than out there, getting shot at.”

  “Really?” I asked, and my skepticism was plain.

  “Well, no. I dig the rush, and I’m out there looking for my mom and the fuckers who took my sisters and my girl.”

  The girl he was referring to was Janna.

  “But honestly, the biggest, baddest Old Spirits, and the fastest guns, and the thought of torture, don’t terrify me as much as that one does.” He pointed at the window, and Melinda saw him do it. She furrowed her brows, held her arms out to the side, and shouted, “What?!” at the glass, and we had to turn away to keep from laughing in her direction, which was like waving the red cape.

  “Why her, man?” I asked him, “There were so many girls who wanted you when we came here.”

  “I know. But none of them made me crazy like she did.” He lit up another cigarette, “Oh, and the sex. You know I hit it with all those other girls…”

  “Yeah, I do know.”

  “Well, none of them fucked me like that one. So there you go, I’m a dog, but I’m paying the price, because that bitch is fucking batshit. But I dig it, so I’m not really paying for it.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But you…” He pointed at me with the hand holding the cigarette, “You got a good girl. She was good when she was just sweet, young Alice, and she’s good when she’s tough-as-nails, Commander Alice Wesley.”

  “I know, man. You think I don’t know that?”

  “Well, you want to force her out of doing what she wants to do. So I don’t know what you know.”

  “She doesn’t want to do this. She told me she feels obligated to do it. She says she can’t stop doing it. She has to keep going, for your mom’s sake.”

  “Well, they were close. You remember how they were.”

  “Of course I remember. And I don’t fault her for wanting to keep looking for her, but even if we find her, Eli, she’s not going to stop. She’s too enmeshed in this fight now. She wants to end it. She wants to see it to the end.”

  “Can you fault her for that? After all we’ve lost?”

  “Of course not. And trust me, I wonder why I’m not taking up the battle flag right along with you guys. Of course I want vengeance. Of course I want blood. For Lara, for Brynna and James, for Penny, for Violet and Nick, and Rachel, and Tony and Tom… All of them! But I’m not on this level. And maybe it’s because I’m a coward, I don’t know.”

  “That’s not it.” He told me, “If you were a coward, you wouldn’t be out there.”

  “Yeah, but I’m trying not to be out there.”

  “But you’re not doing that because you’re scared. You just want some normalcy. You want to settle down for a little while. I get that, dude. I wish I was on that level with you. But she is my mother, and they were my sisters. Brynna and I were so close on Earth, and things got messed up here because of James. It took losing her for me to see that I should have just left her alone, let her make her own mistakes. I should have just recognized that she was happy instead of trying to protect her. See, I can think all of this stuff, but I can never say it. All I can do is prove it. All I can do is kill anyone who saw them and did nothing, and that’s how I can right this is my mind. With Mom, all I can do is look for her until I find her alive or not alive.”

  “I feel all of that.” I told him, “I feel the rage, I feel the sadness. I want those people who hurt them to be dead. I want to kill them in the worst way possible. But I’m tired. That’s what it is. I’m fucking tired, man. This has been incessant for twenty-five years. For a quarter of a century, we have been fighting this fight, and it boiled over after Lara was taken, and after we found out that Brynna, Penny, Violet, Nick, and James were dead. But it’s has been twenty-five years! It makes sense for you, because like you said, Lara is yo
ur mother, and Brynna, Violet, and Penny were your sisters. But…”

  “To you, it doesn’t make sense, because Allie isn’t related to us by blood.”

  “Kind of, but not really. She and Lara were inseparable. She and Violet were inseparable, and in Shadow Village, she got so close to Brynna. I don’t know what I’m saying. I know what I want, but I feel bad for wanting it. It’s all so fucked.”

  “It’s been fucked. It’s always gonna be fucked. It’s been a long time. All these years, and it’s still not over. But we aren’t going to stop. Not until Tyre is dead, and his whole fucking cult is disbanded or dead, too. I don’t look down on you for wanting out, and for not being on this level, as you said. But you can’t expect Allie to want out, or to come down to your level. She’s justified in what she feels, and she’s gotta do what is going to make her feel alright with all that’s happened. You can’t get in the way of her making her peace, Quinn. She will resent you for it for the rest of your life if you do, and our lives are long, man. You don’t want her resenting you for all eternity, do you?”

  “No.” I replied, “I just want… Never mind.”

  It wouldn’t change anything to say it loud, and still, I was going to say it. I was going to say it, because maybe the One God, or the Gods, or something up in the sky would hear it and take pity on me, on us, on the world.

  “I just want it to be over.”

  “I know, man.” Elijah replied, “But it’s not. So just tap out for a little while. Maybe some distance between you and Allie will be good.”

  “But I told her that I go where she goes. I made her a promise. I can’t take it back, and I don’t want to take it back.”

  “She’ll understand. Allie’s the type of girl who tries to see all sides of the issue, and you know that to be true. It’s one of the things I love about her, and something that makes me have mad respect for her. Explain it to her. Come at her differently about it. Tell her you just need out of this for a while. She can go, but you need to stay.”

  “It won’t work. I’ll worry about her the whole time. I’ll kick myself for not going. I’ve always had this idea… Well, I’ve had it since the war started, that if we’re going to die, we need to die together. If we’re going to fight, we’re going to fight side by side, and we will die side by side. If something happens to her while she’s out there, and I’m safe at home, I’m never going to forgive myself. And like you said, our lives are long, and I don’t want to spend my life without her, hating myself for letting something happen to her. There’s no easy solution to this. I want to tap out, you’re right. Even if just for a little bit, but she wants to keep going. She doesn’t stop, ever. She never runs out of juice, but I’m running out. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I don’t know, either. But you’ll figure it out. You always do.”

  “Thanks, man.” I said, “Oh, shit, here she comes.”

  Melinda threw open the sliding glass door.

  “Are you planning on coming in here and taking a shower? The Sermon starts in half an hour, and I know how you like to screw around with your hair for five hours before you can even think about stepping outside of this house!”

  “Do you want me to rake the leaves, or do you want me to take a shower?! Can’t have it both ways, sweetheart!”

  “You should be done with the damn leaves by now, but you’re out here dicking around with him.”

  “Hi, Melinda!” I called, just to be obnoxious.

  She scowled at me for at least ten seconds. Ten seconds of silent, evil glaring. The corners of my mouth twitched, and when I heard Elijah snort very softly through his nose as he tried not to laugh, I lost it. I burst out laughing, clapped him on the back, said, “Good luck!” and started my walk towards the gate.

  “We’re running out of time, and I haven’t taken my shower yet, either!” Melinda shouted.

  “Well, why didn’t you stop your incessant ranting and raving on the phone with your bitch brigade and take a shower?!”

  “My nails were drying, you prick! Now, hurry up and finish the leaves! I need to do my hair!”

  “Well, looks like we’re just going to have to take a shower together, because we are running out of time before we get to go watch Don flap his jaws!”

  “Don’t talk about Don like that, and fine, you’re right, we do just have to shower together!”

  “Alrighty, then, just let me throw these leaves into the fire real quick, and then I am going to rip you out of that robe!”

  “Fine! Maybe I didn’t stop you from raking the leaves because watching you out here all tanned and shirtless made me so hot we won’t need any foreplay in the shower!”

  “Maybe!” Eli yelled back. “How should I know what goes on in that crazy fucking mind of yours!?”

  “Maybe you should try harder to know! I don’t need to try with your mind, because it’s an empty fucking void!”

  “You are such a bitch!”

  Sometimes I wondered if they didn’t play up the discord in their relationship for comedic effect, even if the comedic effect was lost on everyone else but them. They didn’t care who in the neighborhood heard them insulting each other and shouting about shower sex.

  All the way up the street, I heard them, and when I got back to the house, I saw Alice standing on our front porch, smoking, with her wrapped hair in a towel.

  “They at it again?” She asked.

  “Aren’t they always?”

  She kissed me, her eyes still fixated up the street. I took a puff on the cigarette after she handed it to me, and looked at her. There was no consternation in her eyes as she listened to the argument echoing towards us, but there was something there. It was not curiosity, nor was it anger on behalf of Eli.

  “What is it?” I asked her.

  “I don’t know. Just thinking about what Lara would say if she were here.”

  “She wouldn’t say anything, because they wouldn’t be married if she were here.”

  “Yeah.” She replied before stubbing out the cigarette and walking back into the house, “Maybe.”