The Irreversible Reckoning

  ***

  Under James’s steerage, the boat eased gently up onto the shore. Once it had come to a stop, once the engine had halted, and the world was silent, we stood, eyes forward, eyes wide. Even Penny and Idan were still, their hands grasping Janna’s. The sea still rocked beneath the belly of the boat. We had grown so used to that rocking during those long years onboard the Lapsarian. Stepping onto dry land for the first time would be strange, to say the least. We should have been elated at the prospect. But instead, we stood, staring, and each one of us felt strangely afraid.

  “It is just like that first day,” I whispered to James, as my fingers entwined with his. While my palm was sweating, his was as dry as the sand of the shore that my eyes were taking in warily. “How is it possible that I am as nervous to step onto that beach as I was to step out of the ship?”

  When I looked at him, he turned his head to me and pressed his lips to my forehead gently.

  “We can do this.”

  “Easy for you to say. You’ve been on land in the past twenty years.”

  “I have, and it was shocking the first time I did it. You’re all going to fall, probably.”

  “I will not fall. I am prepared for the change. I have prepared my mind and body, and therefore, I will not fall.”

  “Alright, lady.” James stepped over the railing and dropped down onto the shore. For a moment, he gripped the side of the lifeboat, his eyes closed, trying to focus on steadying himself. I was stubborn, and so sure that I was fully prepared, and so ready to show him that I knew about what I was talking, and I just wanted to get it over with, because why were we standing around, anyway? So I threw myself out of that boat, and my feet touched dry land for the first time in twenty-five years.

  And then my whole body touched dry land for the first time in twenty-five years, because the solid ground immediately sashayed out from under my feet, and I found myself lying on the sand.

  “Her mind and body were prepared, she said!” James proclaimed to the group. He came over and lifted me onto my feet with one arm. Once I was upright, his arms supported me so I stayed that way. I doubled over, my stomach rolling, and as I tried to suppress the bile that I felt rising in my throat, I could not help acknowledging how curious it was that I should feel more nauseous off of the water than on it. I suppose for me, the treacherous roiling water had become like steady ground, and steady ground had become treacherous like water. The two had swapped rather perfectly.

  The rest of our party realized the swap soon, as they rolled about on the beach, struggling to stand. Some were vomiting. Others were on their hands and knees, struggling to get back onto their feet.

  “You good, baby?” James asked me softly as he rubbed my back. I nodded, and he gently let go of me to get to Penny. Instantly, I collapsed, and he ran back to me.

  “You said you were good!” He exclaimed, “I guess your mind and body were still not prepared.”

  “You are such an asshole.” I murmured, and he chuckled and kissed my head.

  “I know. Just lay here and get your land legs.”

  “Yes, yes. Go get Penny, Idan, and Grace.”

  “You got it, lady.”

  Adam army-crawled over to me eventually and laid down beside me.

  “I wish not for you to see me vomit, but my wish may not be granted.”

  “Oh, it is alright. You have seen me vomit many times.”

  “I have.”

  “So let us get our minds off of this. Where are we? Where have you led us, oh mighty shepherd?”

  “I do not know how mighty I am. I merely pointed on the map, and Rael found the way. We are close to Del Mar. We have a long walk ahead of us.”

  “Oh, God, walking…” I groaned. “Will you carry me? You don’t even have to do it the nice way, where I wrap my arms around your neck and you scoop me up under my legs and behind my back. You can just throw me over your shoulder like I am a sack of potatoes.”

  “I would never dream of doing such a thing to you.”

  “Oh, wouldn’t you? I seem to recall many years ago, when I was proclaiming that I would remain behind with Maura that you threw me over your shoulder…”

  “You remember everything.”

  “You don’t remember that?”

  “When it comes to you and me, I tend to remember every moment.”

  “Well, good. So, we have to crawl to Del Mar, and are they kind to us?”

  “James says the Old Spirits have been waging war on them for the past twenty-three years, and they have not fallen.”

  “Adam!” I exclaimed, and I threw myself into a sitting position. Immediately, my head pounded, the world gave a mighty twirl, and I was lying down again, “You have brought us where there are Old Spirit troops?! When they will surely be looking for us…”

  “Speaking of which, we need to take the supplies off of that lifeboat, and then sink it.”

  “Adam!” I nagged, “Tell me that you know some way in that will ensure the slightest risk of us being discovered.”

  “Of course I do.”

  “And tell me that you have friends in this city, friends who owe you a giant favor, and who will fall on their knees to serve you when you stride through this secret entrance.”

  “Oh, believe you me…” He said, “They owe me their lives and more.”

  That was my husband, the keeper of a million debts. The owner of one million men and women, of their lives and their livelihoods. He was more like his son (or his son was more like him) than either of them cared to realize; Caspar had said that it was his father’s family from whom he had inherited the Dionysian gene, while Adam had insisted it was Janna’s heritage that had tainted their son. But I saw the way Adam gave and then expected payment in return, sometimes a terrible payment. I saw how if payment was not made, he threatened violence. He had told me once that he had a little of every gift except mine, and I knew that to be true. And now that I was his wife, he could own the lives and livelihoods of one million men and women, and I could own their minds. Tyre had made a terrible mistake when he had married me off to him. It had been meant as a consequence, as a punishment, but really, the only one who would be punished would be him. Because now that we were free, I could not imagine simply slinking off into the trees and living a quiet, peaceful life. I could only imagine gathering my strength back, honing my fighting skills and my power even more, and waging war. Del Mar was under siege constantly? Well, we would begin by killing those Old Spirit troops doing the seizing. If they came in waves, we would kill them in waves, and then, we would head off into the world, and we would fight.

  But I remembered the words of the prophecy, and my stomach rolled even more dangerously. The one you have loved the longest will die. I looked over at James, who was holding Penny to his chest and rubbing Grace’s back as she vomited copiously. If we walked away, would the prophecy change? Or would I simply delay his death? Instead of dying on the battlefield in a blaze of glory worthy of a place in songs, James would die in hiding, or so I thought. Would I make it so that the Old Spirits hunted us down in our hideaway, that they snuck up on us in the dead of night and cut his throat while he slept? Not that he needed to die honorably, but I knew that he would want to. Of course, if they snuck up on us in our hideaway, he might die defending his family, which I knew he would want more than anything. But could it be possible, at all, for him to not die?! The thought of it made me sick. As I looked at him and Penny, the sickness worsened, because I knew there would be no consoling her. I knew that I would have to be strong for her, and I did not know if I would be able to do that, once James was gone. My heart had grown so dependent upon him, and though I knew I would survive if he died, I also knew that it would hurt. God, it would hurt like nothing else.

  The one you have loved most dangerously will flee. I looked over at Adam, and between the two of them, he certainly fit that category. Hadn’t he warned me that loving him was dangerous? Hadn’t he told me I would become their target? Hadn’t he
been right? All that had happened over the previous twenty-five years might not have happened had I not been so attracted to him. I was not sorry. I did not regret it, because I loved him so much, but he was definitely the one I loved most dangerously, from an outsider’s perspective, and I assumed whoever spoke these prophecies in my ear was an outsider. Plus, I told Adam things that I had never told James, or at least, I told Adam first. I confided in him, relied upon him to comfort me when I could not comfort myself, when I needed to say something that James would be unable to handle. In that way, my love for him was dangerous, too. And he would flee. Perhaps when James was killed, he would recognize the threat to his own life. But I knew that would not be true. He would feel so guilty that my first love had been murdered that he would leave me when I needed him the most. He would know that it was my love for him, my marriage to him, my being his queen that had made them target me, and that had always been his greatest fear, so he would flee.

  “We need to stay overnight and gather supplies from the forest and the shores.” Adam said, interrupting my thoughts. I wanted to ask him, point blank, if he would leave, but I could not bring myself to do it, because I knew he would say that he would never leave. But he could not know. He couldn’t know, not until it had happened. Not until the guilt was gnawing at him through the nights, not until the personal responsibility he felt for my tragedy grew and grew until it was large enough and monstrous enough to convince him that without him, I would be safe. I would have a chance at a life.

  “We need to eat something that is not those terrible rations that could not feed a squirrel.” He continued, totally impervious to my thoughts, because I was using all of my strength to keep the wall up. “And once we have gathered the necessary supplies, we will go.”

  “Well, if we can all stop vomiting and rolling about on the ground.” I said, but he did not answer me. “Adam?”

  I turned over to see that he had turned over, and was trying to be as quiet as possible with his vomiting. When I turned back over, I saw that James was running around shirtless because either Idan, Grace, or Penny had vomited on him. Penny was in his arms, so I assumed it was she who had done it, and I could not help but laugh. We were free, and it was a disaster so far, but at least we were free. I turned over onto my back, laughing even harder, but then, I felt the distinctive gnawing in my stomach, followed by the rolling, and then, I was flipping myself over and spewing all over the sand.