Craving Lily

  He was a vault, and I was pretty sure he was only that way for me. I couldn’t see Leo having the patience to listen to anyone else’s complaints the way he listened to mine.

  He held me tight against his body until my hands stopped shaking and my tears subsided, but he didn’t completely let me go even after the storm had calmed. Instead, he just stood there in the middle of the room, running his rough fingers through my hair over and over again.

  “I accidentally told my dad that you kissed me,” I said apologetically, tightening my hands against his back as he stiffened.

  “Jesus. You are pissed,” he replied. He continued to run his fingers through my hair.

  “He took me out back and we shot at a stump for an hour.”

  “Oh, yeah?”

  “He thought it might help me get my anger out.”

  “Did it?” he asked, resting his cheek against the top of my head.

  “Not as much as yelling at you,” I confessed.

  Leo laughed and kissed the top of my head.

  “I’m sorry if telling him causes you problems,” I said, tipping back my head so I could meet his eyes. “That’s not why I did it.”

  “It probably will,” Leo replied, as his hand shifted and his thumb rubbed gently along my cheek. “But he’s the one that told me you were in here, so I think we’re okay for now.”

  I smiled and rolled my eyes.

  “You don’t need to worry about seein’ me with anyone else,” Leo said after a long moment of silence. “Alright?”

  “What?”

  “That’s over.”

  My eyes widened in surprise and I sputtered.

  “If you start seein’ someone else, though—”

  “I don’t want anyone else,” I interrupted.

  The wicked smile that appeared on his face was the best thing I’d ever seen.

  Chapter 11

  Leo

  I was in over my head and I knew it. I climbed off my bike in front of Ashley’s apartment and glanced at the door I’d been using as my escape hatch for months. Ashley was a sweet girl and fun, too. She didn’t want me all up in her business all the time, but was around when I wanted to hang out, and was cool about it when I was busy. We were no great love story, and both of us knew it, but we’d had a hell of a good time.

  And I was going to end all that because a seventeen-year-old girl asked me to.

  I scrubbed a hand down my face and sighed. I wasn’t doing it because she asked me to. Not really. I was ending it because I didn’t really care either way about Ashley, but I’d kill for Lily. It was tearing her up, and no matter how I rationalized that Lily’s feelings were over the top and weren’t my responsibility, I couldn’t keep hurting her.

  It pissed me off. I was a grown ass man. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. But somehow, watching Lily as she slowly faded over the past few months, my priorities had shifted. As Lily had gotten angrier and more withdrawn, I’d become the opposite. I’d gone out of my way to help out my brothers in the club. I’d always pitched in where I could, but I’d never been as outgoing and interested in others as I had been over the last month.

  I knew, without consciously thinking about it, that I was going to need their support soon. I wasn’t going to be able to let Lily keep spiraling, and the minute I stepped in, I was going to cause a shitshow.

  I didn’t for a second think that Lily’s anger was all about me. Hell, I was pretty sure that I was just her scapegoat. No, sweet Lily was going through some shit that didn’t have anything to do with me or anyone else. I’d been in her shoes. After the Russians had executed the attack on the club, I’d been livid. Yeah, I’d been pissed about my face, but it had been everything else that had set me off. We’d lost people. Friends and family that I’d grown up with and loved had been gone in less than five minutes, and there hadn’t been anything I could do to stop it, even though I’d tried.

  But the difference between me and Lily is that I hadn’t had a single person to be pissed at. Sure, I’d done everything I could to take out as many men in the Russian organization as I could, but I hadn’t had that single person to work out my frustrations on. One person that I could vent to and rail at, and at the end of the day known that they weren’t going anywhere.

  For better or worse, I could be that person for Lily. I could be the one to take that bullshit from her and get rid of it. I could shoulder that, easy. If she needed me to take her shit and come back for more, I’d do it. Gladly.

  I took a deep breath and knocked on Ashley’s door. Time to man up.

  “Hey,” Ashley rasped as she opened the door. “Did we have plans?”

  “You look like shit,” I said, pushing inside her apartment. “You alright?”

  “Yeah,” she shuffled toward her couch and climbed under the wadded up comforter she had stashed there. “I think I have food poisoning or something.”

  “Damn,” I sat down at her feet and tucked the blanket around her legs. “Where did you eat?”

  “Leftovers,” she groaned. “Probably should have thrown them away last week.”

  “Damn, girl.” I chuckled. There was no pretense with Ashley. She wasn’t embarrassed that she’d eaten leftovers that had been in her fridge for god knows how long, just matter-of-fact about it.

  “What’s up?” she asked, turning her head toward me.

  I rubbed a hand uncomfortably down the back of my head. I needed a haircut.

  “So it’s like that, huh?” she asked knowingly.

  “Just not workin’ out anymore,” I said kindly. Breaking up with a sick person was a shitty thing to do, but I couldn’t put it off. I’d already told Lily that I was done, I had to be done.

  “Okay,” she said simply. She watched me closely for a moment before closing her eyes. “It was fun while it lasted,” she said with a small grin.

  “Fuck yeah, it was,” I replied, squeezing her foot through the blankets. “We good?”

  “We were never going to last forever,” she said. “That’s not what this was.”

  I nodded and got awkwardly to my feet. As I rounded the couch, I let my hand rest on her head for a second.

  “I’ll steer clear of the club,” she said, scooting farther into her cocoon of blankets. “I’m guessing me showing up there would cause problems for you.”

  “Appreciate it,” I replied, sliding my hand off her tangled blonde hair as I moved toward the door.

  I didn’t ask how she knew. She was friends with a lot of the old ladies and some of the brothers in the club, and even though we’d never talked about it, there was no way that she would have missed my relationship with Lily. It was clear to everyone, even when Lil and I hadn’t been talking. It was like an elephant in the room any time we were within fifty feet of each other.

  I left her apartment feeling lighter than I had in months. I was bummed that I wouldn’t see Ashley again, at least not for a while, but I was also a bit relieved that it was over. She’d been a placeholder and we’d both known it. And while I didn’t think she cared, I’d still felt a bit like an asshole any time we’d been together. The sex was off the charts hot, and we’d had a good time, but I’d never been fully there with her, and I was sure she’d been able to tell.

  * * *

  “It’s been months,” Casper said a few days later as soon as we’d all sat down and my dad had pounded the gavel. “And I haven’t heard shit.”

  “All’s quiet,” Grease said, picking at the grime under his fingernails like he was bored.

  “Is there any way that Sokolov was let out because he was sick or some shit?” my dad asked, turning to where my gramps sat.

  Gramps didn’t have a seat at the table anymore, by his choice. He’d once been the vice president of the Aces, but when our president Slider had died in the Russian attack, he’d stepped down. He didn’t want to be in charge without his best friend at his side, and I couldn’t really blame him. The man was old as dirt, and he just wanted to spend his last years loving on his wi
fe and hanging with his family. He still had some irons in the fire, though. He might be retired, but those irons were there until he was dead.

  “No,” Gramps said simply. “Sokolov cut a deal. Gotta man at the DEA that verified for me. Couldn’t get the details, but he didn’t go free because he was dyin’.”

  “And they’re still sayin’ it was natural causes?” Will asked.

  “Yeah.” Tommy nodded. “They’re sayin’ he died in his sleep.”

  “Leo’s face scared him to death,” Cam mumbled.

  “Shut the fuck up,” I replied.

  “Children,” Casper snapped in warning.

  “So we’re in the clear?” I asked, glancing around the table. It didn’t seem possible, not after everything.

  “We’re never in the fuckin’ clear,” my dad said tiredly. “But for now, it looks like Sokolov is a non-issue.”

  The conversation moved to other shit, and for the next hour, we discussed schedules and truck routes and other business as usual. It was cold as fuck outside, and we usually slowed down a bit in the winter and early spring, but the work never stopped. The New Year usually had Casper in his office, crunching and rearranging numbers so that we wouldn’t go down the way Al Capone did, while the rest of us worked our asses off in the garage so that later in the year, we had a little cushion to take time off.

  A few hours later, I wasn’t surprised to find Casper striding toward me as I finished up the oil change on a Ford Focus.

  “Got a minute?” he asked, not bothering to wait for my answer before he was walking away again.

  I cleaned off my hands as I followed him into one of the back offices, then stuffed the rag into my pocket as he shut the door firmly behind me. All of the old timers were impossible to read, but I planted my feet anyway, waiting for a blow. There was only one reason why he’d singled me out, and it wasn’t for a civil conversation.

  “What’s your plan?” he asked as he leaned against the desk behind him.

  “My plan?”

  “Yeah, your plan.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

  “Uh, I was gonna finish up with the Focus and then I figured I’d start on that BMW that came in a couple hours ago,” I replied in confusion.

  “You playin’ with my little girl?” he asked, his face hard. “Cause I’ve seen ya with her. We’ve all seen ya. Hell, I’ve been watchin’ ya chase my daughters since you found out the difference between girls and boys, so I’m wonderin’ what your plan is.”

  “I don’t have one,” I replied honestly, straightening my shoulders.

  “You don’t have one.” He reached up and scratched at the tattoo on the side of his neck.

  “I care about Lily—”

  “You love her?” Casper asked, cutting me off. “Don’t bullshit me, kid. I ain’t goin’ in circles with you.”

  “She’s too young for me.”

  “Good thing you know that.” Casper nodded. “But that’s not what I asked.”

  “We’re friends.”

  “I know that,” he said conversationally. “That’s not the discussion we’re having.”

  I clenched my jaw and stared at his emotionless face. “Yeah,” I said finally.

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, I love her.”

  I braced for impact, but Casper didn’t move.

  “Good,” he said. “You love someone, you do what’s best for them. You put them first, yeah?”

  “Right.”

  “Then you’ll keep your hands to yourself, your dick in your pants, and you won’t stand in her way when she goes off to college in the fall.” He walked around the desk and sat down. “You can get the fuck outta my office now.”

  I walked away in a daze, wondering what the fuck had just happened. Any other father I knew would have given me the touch-her-and-I’ll-kill-you speech. Put the fear of God into me, and sent me on my way wondering how he’d kill me when the time came.

  Casper had just mind-fucked me instead.

  It was both completely fucked up and impressive as hell.

  “Hey, you good?” Tommy asked as I tripped over a creeper in the middle of the garage.

  “I—” Looking around at all the guys working, I wondered how I should answer him. “Yeah, man,” I said finally. “All good.”

  “What did Casper want?” he asked nosily, following me to the bay I was working in. “He warnin’ you off Lily?”

  “Why the fuck does everyone think it’s their business?” I asked, rounding on him. “I wanna get with Lily, what’s it to you?”

  Tommy’s eyes widened in surprise, but he didn’t back down. “She’s my baby cousin, so I’ve got an opinion,” he said seriously. “And if you don’t want everyone else up in your shit, you’ll stop yellin’.”

  I huffed in frustration and clenched my fists to keep from shoving him out of my face.

  “You think I’d ever do anythin’ to hurt her?” I asked.

  “Not on purpose.”

  “Then back the fuck off.”

  “You’re a dick,” Tommy said, throwing his hands in the air. “I wasn’t givin’ you shit, idiot. I was just wondering what the fuck that meeting in Casper’s office was about and if I should start lookin’ for places to hide your body.”

  He stalked off and I turned back to the Focus I needed to finish up, my mind reeling. I wasn’t sure how everyone knew that shit had changed with Lily, but they did. It was like I had a neon sign above my head telling everyone that I was about to start World War Three in the clubhouse.

  I’d promised Lily that there wouldn’t be any other women, but I hadn’t made any promises about her and I getting together. I still didn’t see how that would work. Important or not, she was still young. She was going off to college in six months, who knew where, and I’d be left in Eugene. Whenever I said that in my head, I wanted to punch something. It made me sound like a pussy, or that I hoped she would stay in town, when that wasn’t the case. I wanted her to go off to school. She needed that experience, and a mind like hers didn’t deserve to go to waste at some random community college.

  I was an adult. I had my shit figured out and I knew what I was going to do with the rest of my life. I was happy with the choices I’d made and I was happy with where I was at. Lily wasn’t there yet. She was still in high school, for fuck’s sake. She had all these opportunities spread out in front of her, just waiting for her to choose them.

  Did I want to be with her? Yeah.

  Did I think being with her now would be fair to her? No.

  I finished up on the car, grateful that I could change the oil without paying much attention. I needed to talk to Lily and see where her head was at.

  Chapter 12

  Lily

  If I thought that my parents had forgiven and forgotten how I’d been acting, I’d been sadly mistaken. Even after I’d gone shooting with my dad and we’d talked everything out, I’d still been on my mom’s shit list.

  I couldn’t blame her, really. She’d put up with my sister’s shit for so long, she’d finally snapped when she’d had to start dealing with mine. It wasn’t that my mom was an asshole, far from it, but she didn’t have much patience for people that were being jerks. If I needed her, she’d be there in an instant. If I fucked up, she’d help me clean it up. But if I treated my family like garbage, there wasn’t anywhere that I could hide from her.

  I’d spent the week grounded from my phone and doing manual labor around the house. I wasn’t sure why, after months, they’d decided to punish me, but I didn’t complain. I was finding that pulling weeds and scrubbing baseboards was oddly therapeutic. Working out frustrations was actually a thing, and I was doing it. It didn’t matter how small the tasks were, finishing one gave me the sense of control I needed.

  It also helped that I knew that wherever Leo was, he wasn’t hanging out with his girlfriend. Maybe she was his ex-girlfriend already. I wasn’t sure. I’d never broken up with someone before, so I wasn’t super clear on how that all worked.


  I was grounded from pretty much everything, but there was one person that my parents would never forbid me from seeing.

  Rose had come over every day of my punishment. My mom’s only rule for her was that she couldn’t help me with what I was doing that day. When I pulled weeds, she sat in a lawn chair. When I cleaned baseboards, she laid on the couch or sprawled out on the floor near me. The day I had to clean out the garage, she sat on the bumper of my mom’s car and watched. Unfortunately for me, the garage was a catchall for shit that needed to be sold or donated since my dad had a shop on the property where he did all of his tinkering, so I had to sort through years of old clothes and broken toys.

  “I’m glad you’re not being a bitch anymore,” Rose said conversationally as I stacked another pile of clothes into a garbage bag. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I would’ve.”

  I snorted. “No, you wouldn’t have. Too many years of conditioning—you’d never be able to do it.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. I almost decked you when you let Brent drive you home.”

  “Sorry about that,” I said, throwing my sweaty braid over my shoulder. It was cold as shit outside and I was sweating like a pig. There was something wrong with that scenario. “I was having a moment.”

  “You were having a lot of moments,” she said dryly.

  “I know. I already had a come to Jesus talk with my dad, remember?”

  “I get it, you were frustrated,” she said, coming inside the garage as it started raining again. “But I’m your best friend, dipshit. I’m the one you’re supposed to talk to about that stuff.”

  “I know, I just felt guilty about it, which pissed me off more. I didn’t want to complain.”

  “That’s stupid.”

  “Yeah, yeah—hey, you’re not supposed to be helping me,” I said as she grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor and stuffed them in the garbage bag.