Craving Lily

  “That’s bullshit,” I muttered.

  “Swear to God, Lil. We decided that it was probably better if I just stayed away.”

  “It’s been years since that happened.”

  “Yeah, and Mom and Dad have been to San Diego twice to see me.”

  “You shouldn’t have left,” I said, shaking my head even though I knew she couldn’t see me.

  “I had to, kid,” she replied with a sigh.

  “What, because you and the ’rents got in a fight? Jesus, dramatic much?”

  Cecilia laughed, but there was no humor in it.

  “That night, before I’d come home, I’d had sex with a guy I didn’t know outside the bar I was partying at. He wasn’t the first. He wasn’t even the fifth. But that guy,” she paused. “He was rough. Mean. And I just kept thinking, ‘this was a bad idea, what the fuck am I doing?’ So when I stumbled home and Mom and Dad were yelling and pretty much telling me how horrible I was—”

  “You ran away,” I said.

  “No, I got away,” she clarified. “I had to. I was spiraling, Lil. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t seem to get my shit together here.”

  “And you got it together in San Diego.”

  “Yeah. It took a while. Honestly, when Mom told me not to come home when you got your sight back, I was a little relieved. I mean, I would’ve come. Absolutely. But I was still on shaky ground back then, and I was terrified that if I came back, I’d fall back into everything I’d left behind.”

  We were silent for a long time.

  “Okay,” I said finally.

  “Okay?”

  “Okay, I’ll forgive you.”

  “Um, thanks,” she said drolly.

  “But can you please go so that I can get out of here? The water’s getting cold.”

  “Oh, please,” she said, but I could hear her moving. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

  You haven’t seen these hickies on my boobs, I thought, staring down at my chest.

  I heard the door open.

  “Hey, Ceecee?” I called. “I’m glad you got your shit together.”

  “Me, too,” she called back.

  * * *

  “I hope you don’t care that Gray’s here, too,” Trix said as I followed her into the game room. “Cam kind of volunteered you when he was talking to my brother earlier.”

  “No worries,” I replied, watching Gray climb all over Curtis, who was sitting on a bean bag playing a video game. “He knows I’m watching Gray?”

  “Not sure,” she said with a rueful smile. “I didn’t mention it.”

  I laughed.

  “Hey, Aunt Lily,” Draco said, hugging me around the waist as he made his way to his own bean bag. “Mom got us pizza for dinner.”

  “Sweet! I brought candy, too.”

  “Score,” Curtis said distractedly, leaning around Gray so he could see the TV screen. “Did you get the good stuff?”

  “Do I ever bring anything else?”

  “Nope,” Draco chimed in, lifting his fist in the air and bringing it down quickly in a completely dorky move that I’d seen my brother do a million times.

  “We’ll be home late,” Trix said. “The boys can stay up as long as you want, and Gray will probably find a cozy spot and crash when he’s tired.”

  “They’ll be fine,” I said, smiling when Gray finally lifted his head and caught sight of me. “And I’ll try not to burn down the house.”

  “Thanks,” she replied. “Because I’m pretty sure we couldn’t afford to replace it.”

  “Lily,” Gray said, scrambling off Curtis’ lap.

  I didn’t even notice when Trix left the room.

  Chapter 22

  Leo

  They hadn’t scrimped on Cecilia’s party. After I’d dropped Gray off with my sister and got in a quick shower and a shave, I walked to my room with the sounds of loud voices and music ringing in my ears. It hadn’t taken the boys long to get the party going, and I laughed as I heard a woman screeching in annoyance.

  Because the party was for one of the grown kids, there wouldn’t be any side-pieces hanging around, but that didn’t mean that things would be any less wild than usual. There would still be girlfriends dancing on tables. Hell, sometimes it was wives. I’d seen Farrah shaking her ass on the pool table more than once. When we had a family party, things stayed pretty mellow for the most part, but when the littles were gone, the adults felt free to let loose. There weren’t any little ones there tonight.

  As soon as I was dressed, I headed out to the main room to grab a beer. My gramps was already at his place at the end of the bar, and Grams was standing between his knees, fixing his beard. She was always fussing with him, trying to make him look a little more presentable, but beyond the button down shirt he was wearing, it was a lost cause. The old man looked like exactly what he was, an old biker that could still throw them back with the boys but had a hard time standing for long periods of time.

  “Beer,” I ordered, tapping the tabletop. The prospects were serving for the night, probably because one of the old timers that I didn’t have much use for had been banging our usual bartender on the side.

  “Hey, baby,” my mom said, coming up beside me, her face flushed. “You got a sitter for Gray?”

  “He’s at Trix’s with the boys,” I affirmed with a nod. “Havin’ fun?”

  “Yeah,” she laughed. “I’ve been dancing with the girls. It’s nice, you know? Ignoring everything else for a while?”

  “Yep.” I agreed. All of us needed a night when we could forget the last week. I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to happen for me tonight, but I’d had a few hours earlier in the day when everything outside my room had disappeared.

  “I swear,” my mom said. “Some of the shit Hawk does isn’t normal.”

  “Half the shit Hawk does isn’t normal,” I said with a chuckle.

  “She was bent in half and shaking her ass. I thought Tommy was going to come unglued.”

  “Sounds about right.”

  “I’ll see you later,” Mom said, glancing behind her. She stole my beer off the bar top and walked away before I even realized what was happening.

  “The fuck?” I said in amusement, watching her go.

  “Beer!” a voice called from behind me. It was one I recognized, but hadn’t heard in years.

  “Ceecee Butler,” I said, turning around. “How you been?”

  “Good,” she replied with a huge smile and a nod. Looking at her face, I knew she was telling the truth. Gone was the spoiled girl who felt like the world was out to get her, and in her place was a woman that seemed genuinely happy.

  “Glad to hear that,” I said with a grin.

  “How about you?” she said. “I was sorry to hear about Ashley.”

  “Thanks.” I nodded to the prospect that handed me a new beer. “Tryin’ to figure out where I go from here.”

  “With Lily,” she said nonchalantly, turning to lean her back against the bar.

  “Say again?”

  “You’re with Lily, right?”

  Immediately, my hackles rose. Five minutes of normal interaction didn’t erase years of manipulation, and I wasn’t quite sure what she was getting at. “Your sister’s livin’ in Connecticut,” I replied.

  “Yeah,” she grinned. “My dad must’ve lost his shit when she agreed to go there.”

  “He was pretty proud.”

  “I don’t doubt it. I was surprised when she left. I didn’t think she’d ever leave Eugene.”

  “Why’s that?” I asked, taking a sip of my beer.

  “Because she loves it here. She loves the rain and the trees and hanging out with family. It just never seemed like she’d be happy so far away.”

  “She seems to be doin’ alright,” I muttered. I was over the conversation already, and regretting the fact that I’d even said hello.

  “You think so?” she mused. “I think she’s probably counting the days until she’s home for good.?
??

  “Doubt it,” I argued.

  “Nah, she’s not like me,” Cecilia said.

  “You think?” I shot back.

  “I guess I deserved that,” Cecilia replied ruefully. “I used to be so jealous of her.”

  “That’s fucked.”

  “Oh, I know.” She laughed uncomfortably. “It just seemed like everything came easy for her.”

  “She was blind,” I said flatly.

  “You loved her,” she said calmly.

  I opened my mouth to tell her to fuck off, but before I could say a word, she shook her head.

  “I know it wasn’t like that,” she said, raising her hands in surrender. “You’ve never been a creep. But, you did care about her. I wanted that type of devotion, you know?”

  “To get it, you gotta give it,” I murmured, glancing sideways at her.

  “Yeah,” Cecilia said softly. “I’m learning that.”

  “Daughter, you’re slacking,” Farrah yelled, walking our way. “I told your dad he could have one beer, and you’re over here drinking it while he’s over there bitching.”

  “Casper’s here?” I asked in surprise.

  “Yeah, the pain in my ass wouldn’t stay home. He’s over there on one of the couches, holding court and wishing he was home in bed—not that he’d ever admit it.”

  Farrah grabbed a couple more drinks and then towed Cecilia across the room, leaving me mostly alone at the bar. There weren’t as many people at the party as there usually were, so I could see pretty much everyone around the room. I spotted the boys at the pool tables, so I headed that way. Hopefully if I was surrounded by people, I could pretend like I was having a good time, when in reality, I was wishing I was at my apartment with my boy, watching car shows on cable.

  * * *

  A few beers later, I was feeling good. I’d gotten just enough of a buzz to relax into my surroundings, but not enough of one to make anything fuzzy. I’d been playing pool with the boys for hours, taking turns and watching the women make bets on their men. Hawk had already lost at least a hundred dollars because Tommy was on the far side of drunk, but I had no idea who was actually winning. As the games had gone on, the bets got smaller and smaller as the women realized that all of the guys were pretty evenly matched and there was no way to guess who would win.

  Rose had started betting on me, which I appreciated, until she whispered that she was betting with my money.

  “Thought you were makin’ bank bartendin’,” I said, throwing my arm around her shoulders.

  “Please,” she scoffed. “Those college boys don’t tip for shit if they’re not trying to impress you. Spoiled assholes. As soon as I made it clear I wouldn’t be serving anything but drinks, they stopped trying to impress me.”

  “That’s bullshit,” I said, grabbing my beer off a table.

  “I still make enough for rent,” she said with a shrug. “If we gotta eat ramen for a while, I can hang. Plus, Lily gives me her dining card all the damn time and we look enough alike that no one ever says anything.”

  “Mmm, cafeteria food,” I said jokingly.

  “Hey, don’t knock it,” she said, saluting me with her glass. “I’m getting fully cooked meals that I don’t have to clean up.”

  “Fair enough,” I conceded.

  “Still,” she said, watching her brother play. “It’s been fun, but I think we’re both ready to come home.”

  “She’s still got two years left.”

  “I doubt we’ll be there that long,” she replied. Then her attention was diverted. “Tommy, you suck!”

  I was just chalking my cue to start the next game when all hell broke loose.

  “Fire!” someone yelled from the front door. “Fire!”

  “What the fuck?” I heard my dad bellow as he ran toward the door.

  Every person in the room ran for the exits, and I had a sinking feeling in my gut as I realized that if this was some sort of attack, we’d be fucked. I pushed through the crowd trying to make my way outside, but was getting nowhere until Cam shoved his way past me. Following in his considerable wake, I made it outside before almost everyone else.

  And then I looked around in confusion. I couldn’t see a fire. The building was fine. The garage bays were open and untouched. The grass and trees were so fucking saturated that we couldn’t get a fire going there if we tried.

  “The house,” Cam said, running toward the edge of the building where my dad had broken out into a sprint. “Our fuckin’ house!”

  Everything became white noise as I ran as hard as I could toward the property where Cam and Trix’s house sat. It wasn’t actually on Aces’ property, the old president who’d lived there before made sure of that, but the properties butted up against each other. The two buildings were in walking distance from each other, but I couldn’t believe how long it took me to get across the field that separated them.

  The house was lit up like a fucking Roman candle.

  And my son was inside.

  “Call the fuckin’ fire department,” Grease screamed as he ran beside me. I didn’t know who he was talking to, but I didn’t bother to reply. There were people coming up behind us. I could hear them, but I didn’t give a shit who it was. One of them could call. I wasn’t stopping.

  The thing people don’t really mention about a house fire is that they’re loud. Really fucking loud. You hear all about the smoke and the flames and the heat, but no one ever really tells you how loud that shit is. It’s practically deafening.

  “Not again,” Cam said, as I caught up with his broad frame. “Fuck, not again.” He ran for the front door.

  I followed him, my lungs screaming as I got closer and closer to the closed front door, but before I could make it there, I was being tackled from behind.

  Chapter 23

  Lily

  I couldn’t see.

  I couldn’t see and I was in the middle of a room.

  What room was I in?

  I scooted forward, ignoring the throb in my cheek as I swept my hands back and forth in front of me. After what felt like forever, my hand brushed up against something hard. I wrapped my hand around it.

  It was a chair. A kitchen chair. One that Trix had been so happy to refinish after she’d found the set at a garage sale the year before.

  I was in the kitchen.

  I continued reaching forward and ran into a wall. No, it wasn’t a wall. It was a counter. I started to get to my feet, but dropped back down when my lungs started burning. No. No standing.

  Lifting my arms above my head, I felt for the edge. I was at the corner.

  The corner of the counter in the kitchen.

  I knew where I was. Closing my eyes against the smoke, I clenched my hands together in front of me and urged my breathing to slow. It was getting hard to find any air, and I had to be careful with what little I had.

  Pushing myself to my hands and knees, I moved away from the counter, counting. I knew my way around this house. I knew that it took thirteen steps from the counter to the hallway. Another seven steps forward and one step to the left and I’d be in the office. From the door of the office to the panic room was another five steps along the wall.

  My steps were off. I realized that as soon as I’d reached thirteen and couldn’t feel the corner of the wall. Dropping my head against the floor in defeat I re-traced where I’d been in my memory. I needed to move. I needed to get going. The boys knew not to come out until someone came to get them. They were just sitting there. Waiting for me while the house burned down around us. I had to move.

  My steps were shorter, I finally realized. Shuffling along the floor wasn’t the same as walking and I just hadn’t gone far enough. God, I was tired. No, no I wasn’t. I was fine. I had to keep moving.

  I pushed myself back up and kept going. A few more shuffles and I reached for where the wall should be. Still nothing. A few more. There. There it was.

  I coughed and gagged as I dragged myself down the hallway, my movements feeling slu
ggish and slow. Seven steps. Add a few more. There was the doorframe. It was the first door on the left. I’d found it.

  I reached up and felt for the door handle. It was cool.

  I shuddered in relief. Oh, thank God.

  Pushing it open, I hurried inside as fast as I could and slammed the door behind me.

  The room was less smoky than the hallway had been, but something must have been wrong with the power, because the light switch didn’t turn on any lights. It was pitch black in the room, and even though the air was a little bit less smoky, I still couldn’t see anything.

  Pulling myself to my feet using a bookshelf by the door, I laid my hand on the wall and took five steps forward. Bingo.

  My hands fumbled as I ripped the picture off the wall hiding the keypad that would open the panic room.

  Oh shit. Oh, fuck. No.

  I couldn’t remember the code.

  I couldn’t remember the goddamn code.

  Tears ran down my face from frustration and panic as I searched my memory. I’d known it. It hadn’t changed since Trix and Cam had moved in. It was a date. A date or a number or a song that I should have remembered.

  Think.

  Think.

  I knew it. I had to.

  I just had to block everything out. This was just like that time when I’d gotten lost outside the clubhouse. I hadn’t been able to remember what direction I’d walked off in, and I’d had to sit down and retrace my steps in my mind. This was the same.

  I sat down on the floor and made myself ignore the way that more smoke seemed to be seeping under the doorframe.

  Cam had told me the code. He’d brought me into the room and he’d taken the photo down. Then he’d put my hand on the keypad. What had he said?

  “Up, down, left, left, right, down, up, little sister. Feel that? Now say it back to me.”

  Scrambling to my feet, I lifted my hand to chest level and felt for the keypad.

  “Up, down, left, left, right, down, up,” I sang to myself the way I’d done the first time.

  A green light flickered and the door came open with a click, making me sob.

  “Aunt Lily?” Draco called, his words broken with coughing.