Twelve Sharp

  'That was my lunch!' Lula said to Joyce. And she dumped Connie's chocolate milkshake down Joyce's cleavage.

  Joyce pulled a gun on Lula, and Lula pulled a gun on Joyce, and they stood there pointing guns at each other.

  I'm going to fucking kill you,' Joyce said.

  'Yeah, maybe, but I got a better gun than you,' Lula said.

  'Your gun's a piece of shit compared to my gun,' Joyce said.

  'I got a big whup-ass gun,' Lula said.

  'Puleeze,' Joyce said. 'I've got dildos bigger than that gun.'

  'Oh yeah? Well I bet Stephanie could out-dildo you any day of the week. She's got a Herbert Horsecock.'

  'Are you shitting me?'

  'No, honest to God. Tell her, Stephanie. You got a genuine Herbert Horsecock, right?'

  'It was a two-for-one sale,' I said.

  Melvin had managed to crawl under Connie's desk while all this was going on. I looked down and saw him reach out and tag Joyce in the leg with a stun gun. Joyce gave a squeak, went limp, and crumpled to the floor.

  'I hope it was okay that I did that,' Melvin said. 'I was afraid she was going to shoot someone. I've never used one of those before. Will she be all right?'

  'You did good,' Lula said. 'And don't worry about Joyce. We zap her all the time. When she opens her eyes we'll tell her she slipped in the marinara sauce and knocked herself out hitting her head on the desk.'

  I had noodles in my hair and noodles hanging off my ears and noodles sliding down my face.

  'You're a magnet for mess,' Lula said to me. 'I've never seen anything like it.'

  I picked some noodles off my shirt and dropped them on Joyce. 'I have to go home to change. I'll be back later to go through my stack of losers.'

  It was hard to go out through the bonds office front door and not look across the street. Even if I didn't look, if I kept my head down and my eyes diverted, I felt the eerie sadness that always lingers on a murder scene.

  I drove back to my apartment, checking periodically for a tail, but so far as I could see, no one was following. I parked and trudged up to my apartment. I opened the door and ran into Ranger in my kitchen.

  He looked me over and gave his head an almost imperceptible shake. 'Babe.'

  'Food fight with Joyce Barnhardt.' I noticed Ranger had changed clothes and was looking comfy in washed-out jeans and T-shirt. 'I'm surprised to still find you here,' I said to him.

  'Tank had to put a threatened witness in the safe house, so I'm going to need to stay here. We've got federal surveillance on the office.'

  'I thought you were working with them.'

  'I'm working with one man, and he's not sharing that information with anyone.'

  'Morelli isn't going to understand this arrangement.'

  'You can't tell Morelli I'm here. He's a cop. He's supposed to arrest me if he finds me.'

  Ranger opened the refrigerator and took out a plastic-wrapped sandwich.

  'Where'd that come from?' I asked him.

  'Hal brought me some food and clothes and equipment.'

  'Equipment?'

  He unwrapped his sandwich and ate it standing. 'In the dining room.'

  I looked in at the dining room and had to do deep breathing to keep from screaming. There were two computers, a printer and fax machine, four cell phones with chargers, two cases that I knew contained guns, four boxes of ammo, a large Maglite and a small Maglite, the scrapbook, a stack of folders that I knew were case files, and three sets of car keys.

  'Two computers?' I asked.

  'One's mine, and the other we took from the apartment in Virginia.'

  'Anything interesting on it?'

  'His surfing history is what you'd expect. Fascination with martial arts, guns, law enforcement, some porn. He has one basic search program. No information stored that would be of any use. He's done some blogging. Talking about wanting to be a cop. Then wanting to be a bounty hunter. Then he starts mixing fantasy and reality. He talks about working with a superstar bounty hunter. How he's learning a lot but has no respect for his mentor. There's a brief mention of a manhunt where he tracks his quarry to Florida. And the blog stops at that point.'

  'I imagine you were the quarry he was stalking.'

  'Yes. His scrapbook is filled with photographs from that visit. That's how he knew about Julie. He followed me, did his homework, and put the facts together.'

  'You never suspected you were being stalked?'

  'No. I try to always be vigilant, but I didn't pick this guy up. It was a complicated surveillance, too. He had to follow me when I left the office, and then follow me into the terminal, learn my destination, and then buy a ticket in time to get on the plane.'

  'Do you think he had an accomplice?'

  'There's no mention of anyone else.'

  'What about Carmen?'

  'He'd already assumed his Ranger identity when he met Carmen. He only uses her name once and then she becomes Stephanie. And that's the main reason I'm staying here. I'm sure he's going to come after you. I want to be there when he does.'

  'You'll use me to get to Julie.'

  'Are you okay with that?'

  'Of course.'

  Ranger picked a spaghetti noodle out of my hair. 'I'd like to think I was protecting you at the same time.'

  'You mean I won't be a sacrificial virgin?'

  'Too late for that, babe.'

  My cell phone rang, and I looked at the screen. Morelli.

  'How's it going?' I asked him.

  'The ME is releasing Carmen's body today. We didn't get anything off the car. Doubtful if we'll get any DNA off Carmen. There wasn't a struggle. She was shot at close range through the open driver's side window. If you're reading the papers you'll see this is getting a lot of press. Daughter of Trenton bounty hunter is kidnapped and wife murdered.'

  'Do you have any theories? Suspects?'

  'I'm working on some angles. And I'm under a lot of pressure from above to bring Ranger in.'

  'Understood.'

  'Where are you?'

  'I'm at home. There was an incident at the bonds office, and I ended up wearing my lunch. So I came home to change.'

  'You aren't harboring a fugitive, are you?'

  'Who, me?'

  Morelli gave a disgusted sigh and hung up.

  'Sounds like that went well,' Ranger said.

  'Yeah. If I get caught with you I'll go to jail for a thousand years.'

  Ranger gave me a smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes. 'I could make it worthwhile.'

  'I'll hold that thought. Right now I need to take a shower and get the noodles out of my hair.'

  I went into my bedroom, closed the door, and stripped out of the spaghetti clothes. I hopped into the bathroom and stopped short when I looked at the sink. Ranger's razor and shaving gel, Ranger's toothbrush. I went back to the bedroom and looked in my closet. Ranger's clothes. Ranger had moved in. I locked myself in the bathroom and did some more deep breathing.

  Stephanie Plum 12 - Twelve Sharp

  Eleven

  Ranger was slouched back in his chair, long legs stretched out under the dining room table, his attention on the computer screen.

  'How's the search going?' I asked him.

  'It's going in slow motion. It feels like two lifetimes have gone by since he took Julie.'

  'Anything new?'

  'Pictures and background on Scrog. His mother is Puerto Rican. He comes by his skin and hair naturally. Nothing that has a big orange arrow on it saying Look Here. A profiler would find him interesting. Some of his makeup is classic and some is off the map.

  'He's an only child. Early school reports are that he's smart, but he doesn't apply himself. He's a dreamer. Shy. Doesn't participate in class activities. Middle school, he does a nosedive. Failing grades. One of twelve boys questioned about molestation by a local priest. He receives counseling and the diagnosis is that he has low self-esteem and has difficulty separating fact from fiction, leading to a poor sense of consequence f
or his actions. High school, he's tracked with underachievers, doing some remedial work. At home he's spending hours playing computer games. His mother thinks he's a genius. His counselor thinks he might be borderline psychopath. His work history is erratic. He can't keep a job. He resents authority. Most of his jobs are sales. Music stores, movie theaters. Had a good run managing a comic book store with a gaming room. Took some computer courses at a community college but nothing came of it.'

  'Were you able to find his connection to you?'

  'Do you remember Zak Campbell? He was caught in a drug bust two years ago. He skipped and while he was in the wind they tied him to a double homicide. I tracked him to Virginia, and Tank and I made the apprehension in a music and video store. Scrog was working in the store at the time. I don't remember him, and I didn't have any contact with him that I remember. It was a quiet bust. We went in with mall security waiting at the store entrance. I approached Campbell, introduced myself, cuffed him, and walked him out.'

  'No guns drawn?'

  'No. Not necessary.'

  'I guess you made an impression.'

  'Apparently. That was the only connection I could find.'

  I went into the kitchen and investigated the refrigerator. It was filled with Ranger food. Sandwiches, fruit, low-fat cream cheese, yogurt, and assorted snack vegetables all cut and washed. I selected a baby carrot and dropped it into Rex's cage. I looked at the phone on the counter by the cage and saw that I now had a working answering machine.

  'I don't want an answering machine,' I yelled at Ranger.

  'When this is over you can throw it away.'

  I took a turkey sandwich and brought it to the table to eat.

  'I thought you had spaghetti for lunch,' Ranger said.

  'I wore it. I didn't get to eat any. The entire country's looking for Scrog. Hard to believe he hasn't been caught.'

  'He's enjoying the game,' Ranger said. 'Probably has Julie stashed somewhere and goes out in disguise. He'll be careful at first, but the longer the game goes on the more chances he'll take.'

  'Is there something I can do?'

  'You can go about your business, so he has a chance to make a move on you.' He took a cell phone from the table. 'If you need to call me, use this phone. My number's programmed in. And make sure you're always wearing the panic button. It's tied into the RangeMan network. I can track you if you're wearing the button. If you catch someone following you, don't try to lose him.'

  I looked at the car keys on the table.

  'I'll be in a blue Honda Civic, a silver BMW sedan, or a silver Toyota Corolla,' Ranger said. 'And Tank will be in a green Ford Explorer.'

  'I'll be in a black and white Mini Cooper,' I said. And my knees will be knocking.

  I drove to the bonds office and parked at the curb where I could easily be seen. Stephanie Plum, psycho bait. Lula and Connie and Melvin were huddled around Connie's desk, debating the files in front of them.

  'These people all creep me out,' Lula said. 'I don't want to work with none of them.'

  'I liked the blond woman with the eagle tattooed on her big huge breast,' Melvin said.

  We all turned to look at him, and he blushed bright red.

  'Pickle, if you want to be a pervert you gotta stop blushing like that,' Lula said. 'You're gonna give perverts a bad name.'

  The door opened and a woman walked in. 'I heard you're looking for someone to do bond enforcement,' she said.

  We looked her over. No black leather, no tattoos that were visible, no gun strapped to her leg, no obvious missing teeth. Already she was ahead of everyone else. She was about my height and weight. Maybe a little chunkier. She had short brown hair cut into a bob. Not a lot of makeup. Some lip gloss. She was wearing a three-button collared knit shirt and tan slacks. She was perfectly pleasant-looking and amazingly forgettable.

  She extended her hand. 'Meri Maisonet.'

  'Maisonet,' Lula said. 'Isn't that a puppet?'

  'That's marionette,' Connie said.

  'I haven't got a lot of experience,' Meri said, 'but I'm a fast learner. My dad was a cop in Chicago, so I grew up around law enforcement types.'

  Connie gave her one of the forms we'd printed out, asking for name and vital statistics… like human being, yes or no. When she left Connie punched her name into the computer.

  'She looked sort of normal,' Lula said. 'What's with that?'

  The information started flooding in.

  'Everything checks out,' Connie said. 'Never been convicted of a crime, good credit. High school graduate. Waited tables for two years. The rest of her work history is on the line at a small brewery in Illinois. Relocated here two months ago, following her boyfriend. Twenty-eight years old.'

  'You could start her in the office doing telephone work and computer searches,' I said. 'Then after she gets a feel for the job we can take her on some road trips.'

  'Okay,' Connie said. If everyone's agreed, I'll call her and see if she can start tomorrow.'

  'I'm getting restless,' Lula said. 'I feel like I need to go out and apprehend a scumbag.'

  'Lonnie Johnson's still open, but I don't know where to begin with him,' I said.

  'I'm chuffed over Caroline Scarzolli,' Lula said. 'We should have nabbed her. How does it look to get run over by a freaky old lady like that?'

  'If we go back to the store she'll shoot us.'

  'Not if we buy something.'

  'No! I'm not buying any more dildos.'

  'Don't have to be a dildo. They got lots of good stuff in that store. I might need a pair of panties.'

  'Okay, fine,' I said. 'I'll wait in the car, and you can go in and buy panties.'

  'I'm not just going for the panties,' Lula said. 'It's my cover. This here's serious shit. I'm gonna make an apprehension.'

  I grabbed my shoulder bag and palmed my keys. 'I'll drive.'

  I drove eyes forward, and I avoided checking the rearview mirror. If Ranger was following me to Pleasure Treasures, I preferred not to know. I parked on the street, two doors down from the store.

  'I'm not going in,' I said. 'If she shoots you, you're going to have to drag your ass out the door, because I'm not going in to pick you up.'

  'Hunh,' Lula said. 'I thought we were partners. How's that for a partner to act? I'd go in there for you. I'd walk on fire for you. I'd bitch-slap the devil for you. You wouldn't catch me sitting in no car if my partner goes into the danger zone. If it was you in there getting shot for upholding the law of this great land, I'd be there right behind you.'

  'Oh for crissake,' I said, wrenching the door open. 'Just shut up. I'll go with you.'

  Caroline looked up and narrowed her eyes when we walked in.

  'We're just shopping today,' Lula said. 'I was real happy with my dildo, and I thought I'd come back and browse.'

  'We've got a one-day special sale on electronics,' Caroline said. 'In case you're interested.'

  'I might be interested,' Lula said. 'I had a Madam Orgasmo, but I burned out the motor.'

  I made an unsuccessful attempt to choke back a snort of nervous laughter. I turned my back on Lula and made a show of being engrossed in a display of erotic oils. There was Lickit and Luvitt Chocolate Love Cream. Kama Sutra Slick, rub it and it gets hot, blow on it and it gets hotter. Spank Me Peppermint Cooling Cream. Pleasure Jelly to minimize friction and avoid irritation, enriched with vitamin E and completely edible.

  Here's the thing about all this stuff… some of it I thought looked like fun. And truth was, I wouldn't have minded if Joe brought some of it home. I just felt like an idiot buying it for myself.

  'She's got some good electronics,' Lula said to me. 'You want to come take a look?'

  'No, that's okay,' I said. 'I'm trying to decide on these oils.'

  'I think you should come take a look,' Lula said. 'I might need you to, you know, help me out here.'

  'Those oils are all overpriced,' Caroline said. 'You're better off buying one of these vibrating miracle makers and they throw the oil in f
or free. It's a lot better bargain.'

  'Gee, I really don't need a miracle maker though,' I said. 'I got a house full of them already.'

  'Well, I need a miracle right now,' Lula said to me. 'You got any miracle makers in your bag? Do you see what I'm saying?'

  'Sorry,' I told her. 'I left my miracle maker at home. It's in my cookie jar.'