Until Lilly

  “Ashlyn Alexandra.” This is killing me. She gave her a version of my middle name—Alexander. I swallow the lump that is building in my throat. I look at Lilly.

  “I want it back.” I don’t even realize that I say the words out loud. Lilly is my one, and I lost her and I’m going to get her back. I had wanted to search for Lilly a million times. I was so afraid she wouldn’t want me back, accept Jax, or that she’s moved on that I talked myself out of it every time. Now I wish I would have looked for her.

  “What?” Her eyebrows draw together in confusion, the same way they used to when we were together, making her look adorable.

  “We are going to have to figure out a way for me to be in her life, and for her to know her brother.” I take a step towards Lilly. “Where are you living?”

  Her eyes get big, and her breathing picks up. Fuck yeah! I still affect her. “Um, we just moved to Springhill because I got a teaching job,” she says quietly, looking at Ashlyn and then back at me.

  “Good, you’re not far from me.” She starts shaking her head. I bring my hand up, cupping her cheek. “We will figure out a time to meet. We have a lot to talk about, but right now, let’s just have a good time. I don’t want the kids to get freaked.”

  “Ashlyn is already freaked. She knows who you are.”

  “What?’

  “The pictures we took with my cell phone, she has them, and she knows who you are.”

  “Jesus.” I rub the back of my head. “Where did you say I was?”

  “Here.”

  “Here?”

  “Yes, well,” she pauses, clearing her throat, “we lived in Alaska near my parents up until a few months ago when I got the teaching job.”

  “So you told her I lived in Tennessee?” I look to where Jax and Ashlyn are laughing with their little legs moving rapidly as they bounce in place.

  “My dad wanted me to tell her that you were dead, but I couldn’t do it,” she whispers, and my head swings back in her direction.

  “Why didn’t you try harder to get ahold of me?” I rip my hand through my hair. This situation is completely fucked up.

  “Why the hell would I do that when you told me to have an abortion?”

  “That wasn’t me,” I growl.

  “It was your phone.” She shakes her head. “So you never got married?” She rolls her eyes. “Obviously, you had a son.” She points at Jax.

  I did not want to answer that question. I knew the minute I told her I had been married that she wouldn’t believe that I never told her to have an abortion. She must have read the look on my face. When she answers, her words are so soft and full of pain that I swear I can feel them cutting into my skin.

  “I already know you got married, so even without you answering that question, I still know.” I see pain flash across her face. “I didn’t want to believe that what we had could be so easily replaced. I thought II had done something wrong, and you were upset. I thought you loved me. I was depressed and lonely, so I did a search of your name online, planning to come find you, and came across your wedding announcement.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “Yeah, that is kinda how I felt.” She gives a slight laugh, the kind that isn’t humorous.

  “I am so sorry; you will never be on your own again,” I tell her, taking a step towards her because I want to hold her. She takes a step back, shaking her head.

  “We can figure out a way for you to be in Ashlyn’s life, but only if you plan on sticking around. I will not let her become attached to you, only to have you walk away without an explanation.”

  “I would never do that.” I narrow my eyes and she raises her eyebrows, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “You are the one who taught me the meaning of never say never, remember?” she reminds me. I told her that when we first got together. She told me she wouldn’t sleep with me ever, and I told her never say never. We only slept together one time. That one time had made me fall more in love with her than I already was. The day after, I had to come back home and go to work. I never knew that it would be the last time I would see Lilly. I knew then that she was the one for me, even as young as I was. I knew, and in the end I tossed her away, thinking I was doing the right thing, not knowing how sharp the double-edged sword was that I held in my hand.

  We both stand there staring at each other. I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I’m thinking I want to kiss the fuck out of her, hold her, love her, and remind her of how good we were together. She looks away, then waves for Ashlyn to come to her. I watch my daughter bounce all the way over to where we’re standing. She is so beautiful that my chest hurts just looking at her. I have loved every second of raising my son, and I hate that I have missed so much time with her. Jax comes along with Ashlyn. When she reaches where we’re standing, her head goes way back, with her cute little face scrunching up.

  “Are you my daddy?”

  “No, he’s my daddy.” Jax launches himself at me. Ashlyn looks at Jax, and then me. I drop to my knees in front of her, putting my arm around Jax’s waist. I have no idea how to handle this right now, and my stomach starts to turn as my palms begin to sweat.

  “Come here, love bug.” Lilly pulls Ashlyn into her arms.

  “Daddy.” Jax puts his palm on my cheek, forcing my head to turn. “Why did that girl ask if you’re her daddy?” Leave it to my kid to get right to the point.

  “Well…um.” Fuck, why couldn’t I think of what to say?

  “What’s your name, honey?” Lilly asks. I look up to see Ashlyn in her arms looking down at us.

  “Jax.” Lilly smiles so brightly her whole face lights up. I forgot that smile. How the fuck did I forget that smile?

  “Very cool name.” Jax’s chest puffs out under her praise.

  “I’m going to be big like my daddy,” he informs her randomly.

  “I’m sure you are, honey.” Lilly smiles again. “How would you feel about having a playdate with Ashlyn sometime?” Jax shrugs. I look at Ashlyn who smiles. “Sure, she could come to my house. I have a ferret and a tree house!”

  “I’m sure she would like that. Though, I'm not sure what a ferret is.” Jax laughs and so does Ashlyn. I can’t believe how much they look alike. “I’m going to get your dad’s number, and we can set up a time.”

  “Yay!” Jax yells, jumping up and down.

  “Will you do me a favor, Jax?” He nods. “Take Ashlyn over to get her shoes while I get your dad’s number, okay?”

  “Okay,” he agrees right away. Lilly sets Ashlyn down. She hasn’t taken her eyes off me. Jax takes her hand, pulling her along. I watch as she shows him where her shoes are. They are too high for her to reach, so he gets them for her, and then runs and grabs his before sitting next to her on the ground.

  “I think it’s best if we talk to them separately about what’s going on. Jax is going to be very confused about this, and Ashlyn isn’t going to be much better. She knows of you, but doesn’t know you. I think we should set up a time for you to come alone and spend some time with her. Then bring Jax along later so they can get to know each other.”

  “Why are you acting so cool about all of this?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I will save my breakdown for tonight when Ashlyn is in bed, and I can have a glass of wine.” She pulls out her cell phone from her back pocket, sliding a finger across the screen. “So what’s your number?” I rattle it off, watching as she types in the numbers. My phone starts ringing from my pocket. I pull it out and save her number quickly. She turns her back on me, walking to where the kids are sitting. She runs her hand over Jax’s hair before grabbing her shoes. She bends over, putting them on with her round ass in the air. I look around when I feel a sting against my skin, my eyes landing on a guy who is looking at her ass with his wife or girlfriend standing right next to him. I walk up to where Lilly is bent over, not taking my eyes off the guy who is watching her. When I get there, the guy’s eyes come to me, and I give him a chin lift. He looks away quickly, m
aking me feel somewhat better. I still have the urge to shove a foam block down his throat. When Lilly finally stands, I grab my hat after pulling on my sneakers. I put my hat on, shoving my hand in my pocket so I can grab my keys. I turn around to see Lilly looking at me funny, Jax holding one of her hands and Ashlyn holding the other. My heart squeezes at the sight of them together. She blinks, shaking her head. “You ready?” I ask.

  “Yeah.” Lilly nods. Jax lets go of her hand and runs to me, grabbing mine. We wait and hold open the door for the girls.

  “Your hair is really red,” Jax says, looking at Lilly. She laughs, shaking her head. The sun is out, beaming down on her, making her red hair shine more brightly and giving her a glow.

  “She just colored it. It was brown before,” Ashlyn informs us, making me laugh as I think about the last time I saw her; her hair was the same color it is now, only a lot shorter. We walk out to the parking lot, and Lilly stops at a small, piece-of-shit car. It was probably silver at one time, but is now grey and dull, with rust spots and dents. She opens the back door, and Ashlyn crawls inside. I don’t like this. My body is fighting itself, not wanting them out of my sight.

  “So I will call and set up a time with you,” she says, watching Ashlyn buckle her seatbelt.

  “Call me when you get home,” I tell her, my voice rough with anger, not at her, but myself.

  She shakes her head. “No, I’ll call you in a couple days after you have had some time to think about this.” I take a step towards her, getting in her space.

  “I am not going to change my mind,” I growl the words, making her eyes widen slightly.

  Then she takes a breath. “Well, then call when you’re ready,” she says quietly before squatting down to Jax’s level.

  “It was very nice to meet you, Jax.” She holds out her hand for a shake.

  “You’re pretty, like my mom.” Jax is wrong. Jules is pretty, but so rotten on the inside that it started seeping out, making a once pretty girl ugly. Now, Lilly—Lilly is more than beautiful, and if the situation between us hadn’t made her bitter, then nothing ever would. And I could see her light shine through every time she looked at our daughter.

  “Well, thank you, honey.” She gives a small smile before standing back up and opening her door. I lean in the back door so I can talk to Ashlyn.

  “I will see you soon, okay?” She nods. Her eyes are big and the same color as mine.

  “So are you my daddy?” she asks more quietly this time.

  “Yes,” I whisper, running my hand over her hair.

  “Why didn’t you come see me?” Oh God, this is killing me. I have no idea how to explain this to her. I don’t even know how to explain this to myself.

  “I am so sorry, baby.” The words choke out. “I promise you that I will come see you now, every chance I get.”

  “Grandpa says that you hab to keep your promises.”

  “He is right.” I smile at the way she pronounces her v’s the same way as Jax. “You do have to keep your promises.” She nods in agreement. “I’ll call your mommy later and say goodnight to you.”

  “Okay.” She reaches over, grabbing a small doll and holds it in her lap. I lean in a little, kissing the top of her head. I get out of the car and see that Lilly and Jax are talking.

  “You ready, little dude?” I look down at Jax, who is watching Ashlyn curiously.

  “I’m hungry.”

  “You’re always hungry.” I laugh, watching Lilly get in the car. She shuts the door, turning her car on before rolling down the window.

  “Grandma says I’m growing.”

  “You are. Soon you’re going to be taller than me.”

  “Wow!” His face lights up.

  “But you have to eat your vegetables.”

  “I don’t want to be as tall as you then,” he grumbles, and I pick him up, tossing him over my shoulder chuckling.

  “Sure you do.” I look at Lilly, who is watching me with a small smile. “We’ll talk soon.” She nods. “Call me when you get home,” I tell her.

  “Cash—”

  “Lilly, call me when you get home,” I say it a little more slowly so she knows I am not fucking around. She shakes her head.

  “I will message you,” she sighs.

  “No, no more messages. Call me.” Her eyes flash like they used to when we were a couple and her temper would flare. I used to love when it happened. I would kiss her until she melted into me and couldn’t remember why she was mad.

  “Fine, I will call you.” She rolls her eyes, making me want to fist her hair and put my mouth on hers.

  “Say bye, love bug.” Ashlyn waves from the backseat and Lilly from the front as I set Jax down next to me. We watch Lilly and Ashlyn pull out of the parking lot. I don’t like the feelings coursing through me. I don’t like them driving away, and I don’t like the amount of hate I am feeling towards Jules. I didn’t think I could hate her more than I did, but she’s proven me wrong. I need to call my brothers. I need to talk to them and have a beer.

  “How about we stop at Grandma’s?”

  “Okay.” Jax shrugs. I can tell he’s getting tired and will most likely be asleep by the time we hit the highway. After I get Jax in the car and buckled in, I hop behind the wheel and send a text to each of my brothers, telling them to meet me at the barn in an hour. I can’t believe Jules told Lilly to get an abortion. The whole time she was pregnant, she’d threatened to have one if I didn’t do exactly what she wanted. I shake my head and put my truck in reverse, stare at myself in the mirror, and notice my hat. It’s the same hat Lilly gave me when we were dating; I haven’t stopped wearing it since then. I head out of the parking lot wondering if this is my time, if I’m finally going to have a chance to be happy again.

  Chapter 2

  Lilly

  What the hell just happened? I look in the rearview mirror to see Ashlyn trying to see out the back window. I never in a million years thought I would see Cash again, let alone see him when I have Ashlyn with me and he has his son. I want to puke. He had asked why I was being so cool about this; honestly, I might have been cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was freaking right the fuck out. All I’d wanted to do was pick Ashlyn up, run out of there, and get as far away from him as I could.

  “Mommy, was that really my daddy?” Oh, God, I never thought I would be having this conversation. I considered that maybe when she got older she might look for him, but I never thought that I would have to find a way to explain to my almost-three-year-old something that I didn’t even understand.

  “Yeah, love, that was your daddy.” I silently pray that she falls asleep and doesn’t have any more questions. Hell, this would be so much easier if she was still a baby. She doesn’t say anything else the whole way home. My mind is going over millions of scenarios, some of them involving packing up and taking off back to Alaska to the comfort of my parents, but I know I can’t do that. The look on Cash’s face when he saw Ashlyn and realized who she is was , just broke my heart. And then, when I looked in his eyes when he told me that he didn’t send those messages, all I saw was honesty. He didn’t want to admit he was married, I remind myself.

  When I pull up in front of our apartment building, I look back and see Ashlyn asleep. I grab our bags and unhook her, pulling her out of the car. I slam the door and make my way up the two sets of outside stairs, and once I reach the door, I juggle her and our bags so that we can get inside. The first thing I do is drop our bags to the floor and go lay her down in her bed, pulling off her shoes and making sure her doll is where she can see it when she wakes up. I pull a blanket over her and make my way to the kitchen, where I pull out a bottle of moscato from my fridge, pop the cork, and fill my wine glass half-full. I down the contents, then refill the glass.

  I walk to the living room and sit down on my secondhand couch, looking around our small two-bedroom apartment. It’s not much, but it’s what I could afford from the money I saved working over the past few summers in a fish processing plant.
Most of our furniture is used, but in good condition; the only things that I bought new were our beds. When we moved from Alaska, I didn’t want to pay for shipping everything, so we came with our clothes and what could fit in suitcases. I wonder what Cash will say about our home. My stomach starts to turn when thoughts of him trying to take Ashlyn from me fill my head. My phone starts ringing from my bag on the floor. I unfold myself from the couch, pick up my bag and digging to the bottom for my phone, but by the time I find it, it has stopped ringing. I flip it over in my hand, seeing Cash’s name along with the words Missed Call.

  “Shit,” I whisper, fumbling with the phone when it starts ringing again. I drop it to the floor, forgetting I have a glass of wine in my hand, so when I bend over to pick it up, I dump the glass of wine all over it. I shake as much of the wine off as I can, then start franticly wiping it on my jeans. The phone goes silent for a second before ringing again, and I slide my finger across the screen, hoping that it will work.

  “Hello?”

  “Are you home?” Cash growls down the line. I look around for a second before answering him.

  “Yes.”

  “I called and you didn’t answer, and I told you to call me when you got home.” I roll my eyes and take a breath.

  “Well, I had to put Ashlyn to bed because she fell asleep in the car. Then I had to have a glass of wine. Then you called and I spilt said wine all over my phone, so I am so sorry if I didn’t call or answer you fast enough.”

  “You had to have a glass of wine? And you spilt it all over your phone?” he asks.

  “Um…yes. I definitely had to have a glass of wine,” I tell him truthfully, ignoring the part about spilling my wine. I have always been clumsy. “There is only so much stress a girl can take. And it’s either wine or shopping, and since I am a single mother and can’t afford to shop my stress away, I had to have a glass of wine.” I realize I’m rambling and squeeze my eyes closed, my head falling back and hitting the wall. I hear him laughing; my eyes fly open and I remember that he used to always laugh at everything I said. In Alaska, I’d hated that I still loved the memory of the sound of his laughter; part of me still wants to hate him, but I just can’t.