Who likes Short Shorts

  Great for carrying tall turds.

  These are great. The handles are fantastic, as when you’re carrying one containing tall items, such as baguettes, they can poke out of the corner and not touch any skin. Unfortunately I had to carry something far more sinister than bread-based snacks.

  There’s always a mess to clean up in the toilet. I know, toilets are meant to be dirty but the evil that lurks in the toilets where I work is like something out of a horror movie.

  The other day I went in to attend to my cleaning duties and there was a log so big not even the business end of the steel brush would break it down. There was no way it was making it round the U-bend. It was stood up straight. I couldn’t see any paper in the bowl either, so either it had been a clean break or it’d managed to stay prone during the flush. I soon discovered it was the latter as it wouldn’t move when I flushed several times either. Seriously, it must have been painful for the person who put it there. Still, it being my job, I started the task of breaking it down with the toilet brush, although we already know how that worked out.

  In the end I had to fish it out. It was the last resort, but after trying and failing to break it down with bleach there was nothing else I could think of. I’d been for lunch while the bleach took effect so had my newly vacant sandwich bag with me in order to contain the beast. I didn’t have any gloves, so I used my trusty pliers to pick the gigantic turd up. The plan was to take it out the car park and sling it over the hedge.

  As well as being huge, this thing also stunk to high heaven, too. It was dreadful and the faster I walked the more wind I generated, and the down force created forced the odour up my nostrils harder, although I didn’t really equate the two things at the time, I just wanted it out of my office and out of my hands as quickly as possible. I think it was the bleach that finally made me faint. I’d forgotten I’d soaked it with the stuff. Thinking back, I know I should have sprayed it down with a flush or at least rinsed it under the tap; alas, I didn’t and suffered the consequences. Those consequences mainly involving fainting on the back stairs then, when I woke up, rubbing my face with the hand that was still clutching King Kong’s finger. It was the smell that woke me up. It was worse than any wake up call I’ve ever had. I thought I was in bed at home for a second. Although once I realised that I hadn’t had a dirty bed accident the reality was even worse.

  Now, I’m the cleaner, I knew I’d have to clean it up in the end — if it wasn’t me, I’d have left it there for someone else to deal with, but I’d only have been summoned to deal with it once it was discovered. So, still feeling fairly light-headed, I picked myself up and carried on with my task. It was when I got outside that I realised the package had snapped. I’d had enough, though, and just got in the car and drove home after slinging the remaining half.

  Unfortunately the offender has dropped the dirty bomb three more times since then, so I’ve ordered these. The handles make it easier to dispose of. I get a good bit of purchase behind my swing using them.

  -John the cleaner

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