Web of Dreams

  much nicer out at the seashore today," she said as she

  took off her hat and coat. "There, the sky is all blue,"

  she added and threw her fur coat over one of the

  Rococo chairs. "But it's always blue there to me, even

  when it's gray," she whispered, making her sentence

  sound like the words from a love song.

  Then, still wearing her fur cap, she fell back

  over her bed and flung her arms to her sides as she

  bounced on the mattress. I had never seen her so

  cheerful. She seemed years younger, more like one of

  my girlfriends, silly and full of giggles. Her eyes were

  twinkling as she smiled up at the ceiling. I stood there

  speechless, staring down at her. Could it be that she

  was unaware Daddy had told me everything? "Daddy told me about your telegram," I blurted. She looked up at me, her smile slowly fading,

  the glimmer in her eyes dying. The vigor and

  brightness lifted from her face. It was as if she were

  coming back to earth, back to reality. Her eyes grew

  cold, her mouth tight. She took a deep breath and sat

  up slowly and with great effort. Then she took off her

  cap, unpinned her hair and shook her head to let the

  strands fall free.

  "He was supposed to leave it to me to tell you,"

  she said with remarkable calmness. "But I'm not

  surprised. I'm sure he put it all horribly, making it

  sound like the failure of some business venture. What

  did he tell you, our marriage was bankrupt?" "Oh no, Momma, Daddy is heartbroken," I

  cried. She smirked and got up to go to her vanity

  table. "Did you really go to Mexico and get a divorce?" Some stupid childish part of me was still

  hoping beyond hope that perhaps it wasn't all true. "Yes, Leigh, I did. And I'm not sorry." Her

  words felt like needles being poked in all over my

  body.

  "But why did you do it? How can you do it?" I

  screamed, enraged at my mother. I hated how little

  she seemed to care about how I was affected by her

  selfish decision. She sat down and turned to me. "Leigh, I was hoping you would be adult about

  all this now," she said calmly, but firmly. "I have been

  wanting to do this for some time, but I held off until I

  thought you were old enough to deal with it on a

  mature level. I've gone through months, years of

  added suffering just so you would be old enough to

  understand when I took this action," she added and

  shook her head as if she had just slipped out from

  under some terribly heavy load.

  "Well I don't understand," I snapped. "I'll never

  understand. Never." I hoped that my words fell like

  daggers. She pulled her shoulders back and her eyes

  widened with fire.

  "Exactly what did your father tell you?" "That you left us to think things over and he

  received a telegram from you that you had flown to

  Mexico to get a divorce."

  "And did he tell you why?"

  "He said you were very disappointed in him

  and you were still young and wanted a chance to be

  happy. But why can't you be happy with Daddy?" I

  moaned.

  "Now Leigh, you've got to try to understand my

  point of view. It should be easier for you to

  understand now that you are becoming a woman

  yourself.

  "You don't know, you can't imagine what it's

  been like for me these last few years. Whenever your

  father takes me on one of his cruises it's been because

  he wanted to make an impression . . to use me for his

  own advantage. I've felt like a caged bird, encased in a

  gilded cage, yes, but nevertheless, imprisoned." Imprisoned? What did she mean? She could

  come and go as she wanted, buy whatever she wanted,

  do whatever she wanted. We had such a beautiful

  home, I couldn't imagine anyone thinking of it as a

  prison.

  "The other passengers pity me, Leigh. I see it in

  their faces." She threaded her fingers through her hair

  madly. "They know I rarely do what they can do

  anytime they want. I hate their pity! I hate it!" She clenched her hands into small fists and pounded the

  tops of her thighs.

  "It's been this way for years and years and I've

  tried to keep my sanity just so you would grow up in a

  happy home, but I can't sacrifice any more. I won't! I

  won't give up what is so precious and fleeting--my

  youth and my beauty. I won't wilt away like some

  flower closed off from the sun.

  "I belong out there on the dance floors, at the

  operas and the theater, at the seashore resorts, at the

  parties with my picture being taken for the society

  pages.

  "Do you have any idea how many affairs I had

  to miss because your father was too busy to attend?

  Do you?" She then took a breath. Her face was scarlet

  and her eyes were screwed so tight that I was

  frightened. I was stunned by her outburst. Never had I

  imagined she harbored such resentment and despair. I wanted to hate her for what she was doing to

  Daddy and to me, but seeing her in such a state, her

  eyes bulging, her hair pulled out, her face red with

  frustration, all I could think was that this terrifying

  creature wasn't my mother.

  "Daddy is sorry about all that. He really is." "I'm sure he is . . . for the moment, but tomorrow some crisis at his business will take up his attention and he will forget what has happened

  between us."

  "No, Momma, he won't. Can't you let him try

  again? Can't you?" I pleaded.

  "I have let him try again, Leigh. Many, many

  times. This didn't just start recently. It started almost

  as soon as we got married.

  "Oh," she said sighing and sitting back, "it

  wasn't so bad in the early years because you were

  born right away and I had you to care for and your

  father was very attentive and quite devoted to me. Of

  course, he was twelve years younger then, but you

  must remember, he was already well along in his

  years. I bet you never realized that he is old enough to

  be my father."

  The idea was so preposterous and strange that I

  almost laughed, but she didn't crack a smile. Daddy,

  her father? My grandfather?

  "His age has caught up with him. I admit this is

  all partly my fault because I agreed to marry him, but

  I was so young and so unhappy then that I didn't think

  of what the future would be like.

  "And your father made all sorts of wonderful

  promises . . . promises he has never kept . . . promises

  he can't even remember having made!"

  "But you were so in love. You told me so

  yourself." My little lifeboat of hope was sinking

  rapidly. Everything she told me punched holes in it. "I was young; I didn't know what love was

  then." She smiled. "But now, now I understand.

  Completely," she added, the brightness and sparkle

  returning to her face. "Oh Leigh. . . Leigh," she cried,

  "don't hate me, but I'm in love, really and truly in

  love."

  "What?" I looked back toward the sitting room

  and thought about those invitations.
"You've fallen in

  love with someone else? Those sample invitations . ."

  I muttered, the realization falling over me like icecold rain.

  "You saw them?"

  I nodded.

  "Well you might as well know it all," she said,

  pulling herself up firmly. "I'm in love with Tony

  Tatterton and he is madly in love with me, and we're

  going to have a Christmas wedding and live at

  Farthy!" All at once the face that had seemed a

  monster version of my beautiful Momma relaxed.

  Then she smiled, her eyes filled with happiness. Even though I had anticipated something like this, actually hearing her say these words was devastating. I felt my face whiten and drain. A combination of shock and sorrow numbed my legs and nailed my feet to the floor. I couldn't speak, couldn't swallow. I think my breathing stopped and my heart froze. It was as if two giant hands of ice had

  clasped over my chest.

  "You must not hate me and you must try to

  understand, Leigh. Please. I'm speaking to you as one

  woman to another."

  "But Momma, how could you fall in love with

  someone else?" My mind was racing about, trying to

  understand. When I recalled the way Momma and

  Tony had been dancing together at the Bon Voyage

  Ball, every moment he held her there, every look he

  gave her had more meaning, had its true meaning. I

  had felt something when I went to Farthy with her and

  saw the way they walked together and whispered, but

  I had not understood what it was I had felt. Why is it

  the heart knows things so much quicker than the

  mind? I wondered. Perhaps I didn't want to know,

  didn't want to understand. Now, I had no choice. "It's not hard to understand why or how this

  happened, Leigh. Tony adores me, worships me. He

  says I'm like some mythical goddess who has descended from the heavens above to make his life worthwhile, for even men with all his money and power feel incomplete if they don't have a woman to

  love and a woman who can love them.

  "Love, true love, is what makes life fulfilling,

  Leigh. This is something you will understand, and

  when you do, you will appreciate all the things I am

  telling you.

  "Can I tell you more? Will you listen like a best

  friend, a close girlfriend? I've never had a truly good

  friend. I grew up with two terrible sisters who were

  always so jealous of me, would never tell them one

  good thing or share one good feeling with them.

  Leigh?"

  "I'm your best friend, Momma. I . . just . ." "Oh good," she said, her eyes taking on a

  faraway look. "The first time I set eyes on Tony and

  he set eyes on me, it was as if the clouds were swept

  off the blue sky. Everything became more vivid, more

  alive around me. Colors brightened, birds sang, and

  the breeze, no matter how cool, was refreshing and

  soft. I couldn't wait to awaken every morning and get

  myself to Farthy, just so I would be around him, hear

  his voice, and feel his eyes on me.

  "That's what love is, Leigh, true love." She reached out for me. Her words were so magical, her thoughts so wonderful, I couldn't help but step closer

  until she could take my hand and look into my eyes. "I knew he had opened his heart to me and that

  I had found a place there. Whenever he spoke to me,

  his voice grew so soft, so loving. There was a longing

  in his eyes that made me tingle all over," she said,

  confessing to me like a schoolgirl who had just found

  her first love. Only this was Momma talking . . .

  Momma . . . and to me!

  "Oh, I tried to resist at first, Leigh. I wasn't

  unfaithful to your father. I told myself over and over

  that I was a married woman, that I had a husband and

  a child to think about, but as Tony and I drew closer

  and closer, all restraint weakened until I could deny

  what was happening no longer.

  "It happened one night after I had finished

  working and had cleaned up to go home. It was a

  warm day, a warm late afternoon. He asked me to take

  a walk with him to look at the ocean. I hesitated, but

  he pleaded, promising to bring me right back: l-

  relented and we walked to a small hill and looked out

  over the sea. The sun was red and low, the bottom of

  it just touching the ocean. The sight was breathtaking.

  Suddenly, I felt his hand in mine, and when we touched, my heart cried . . . no . . . demanded to be

  heard.

  "I confessed my unhappiness to him, but I told

  him I couldn't just rush into anything. He was very

  understanding, but determined.

  "I tried on three or four occasions to explain

  things to your father, but he either ignored it or didn't

  really listen. His mind's always on his business.

  Finally, at the Bon Voyage Ball, I made Tony a

  promise. Even so, I tried to break it. I suffered so on

  that trip to Jamaica, but love will not be denied, when

  it is as real and sincere as it is between Tony and

  myself, and I knew at the end that I had to do

  something dramatic or I would pine away in the

  darkness like a flower.

  "Will you try to understand? Will you, Leigh?

  It could happen to you someday and you might need

  someone, someone you love and who loves you, to

  understand." She squeezed my hand and pleaded with

  her eyes.

  "Oh Momma. This is all happening so fast. It

  might not have happened overnight to you, but it has

  to me."

  "I know, Leigh. I appreciate what you're going

  through, but I'm going to need you to help me, too. I need your support and love. Will you be more than

  my daughter? Will you be my best friend, too?" Her eyes were glassy, tear-filled, but warm. I

  couldn't help reaching out to her. She kissed my

  cheek.

  "I'll try. But Momma, what will happen to

  Daddy?"

  "Nothing will happen to him, Leigh. Believe

  me. He has his business and that keeps him busy day

  and night. You'll see him and he'll see you just as

  much as you do now, which isn't all that much," she

  added dryly.

  I didn't say anything. She might be right about

  that, I thought, but still, it felt like a sword through the

  heart to hear her say it.

  "And Leigh, most important of all, will you try

  to like Tony? Will you give him a chance? If you do,

  you will see how sweet he is and you will understand

  why I love him so."

  I couldn't help my feelings. Every time she said

  she loved Tony, I thought about Daddy and how cruet

  it all was. To think of Tony made my stomach

  butterflies flutter a bit, stir from their restless sleep.

  As I sat there it slowly dawned on me, sank like water

  into concrete, that this was all Tony's fault. I hated

  Tony! Oh, why did this rich, handsome man have to

  come into Momma's life and sweep her off her feet so

  quickly and se completely? I wanted more than any

  other want to make him regret tearing my happy

  loving world asunder.

  "Leigh, will you?" Momma repeated, her voice

  a little desperate now. Once again tod
ay her wants

  would battle with mine and win. I nodded, "Thank

  you. Oh, thank you so much, honey." She embraced

  me, and I was so starved for this affection, so needing

  to be warmed by her touch, that knew that if she asked

  me now I might agree to anything.

  But, I couldn't help feeling cold, lifeless in her

  arms. It was horrible for me to agree to this. I was

  betraying Daddy.

  "And there is one other thing I have to ask of

  you, Leigh, one thing--a secret to be kept between

  two best friends like us, now, because I trust you with

  keeping it. Will you promise to keep it secret? A

  bosom buddy promise," she added, placing her hand

  on her breast.

  What could it be? I wondered.

  "I promise, Momma."

  "Good." She leaned toward me and whispered as if there were other people in the room. "Tony doesn't know my true age, even now, even though he has proposed and I have accepted. I don't want him to know. As I told you after we left Farthy, he believes

  I'm twenty-eight."

  "Won't you ever tell him the truth?"

  "Someday, but not right now. Okay?"

  I nodded, but wondered if they were so much in

  love, why was it necessary to lie? Didn't being in love,

  true love, mean you would have no lies between you,

  that you trusted each other so completely nothing

  could break you apart?

  "Thank you, Leigh. I knew you would

  understand. I knew you were grown up. I told Tony.

  He likes you very much, by the way. He talks about

  you continually, about how sweet you are and how

  much Troy likes you and what a wonderful time he

  had with you when the three of you walked to the

  beach.

  "Oh, I just can't wait until we're all together at

  Farthy. It's a dream life come true, Leigh. You'll see.

  You'll be a princess, a true debutante yet." She got up. "I'm going to take a warm bubble bath because

  I can relax now that I know my little girl is

  understanding and loves me. Afterward, we'll sit and talk and you'll tell me all about Jamaica and the things

  you did. Okay?" I nodded and remembered her gift. "I bought you something in the street market,

  Momma."

  "Really? How sweet for you to think of me

  even after I had deserted you like that. You're such a

  warm, wonderful child, Leigh. I'm very lucky to have

  you."

  "Let me get it," I cried and rushed back to my

  room. "It's not very much," I told her when I returned,

  "but I thought it was beautiful"