Web of Dreams

  "I do not. I told you . . ."

  "Have a good time," she snapped and turned. The rest of them moved along with her as if they were part of her tail, a clump of envy glaring back.

  "Oh, Leigh, I'm sorry," Jennifer cried. "I got you into trouble with the others."

  "I'm not in any trouble, Jen. They're just jealous, that's all. Forget about them. We'll do just as Marie said. We'll have a good time. Besides, it's as much my fault as yours. I didn't say anything to them, either."

  Jennifer nodded, but I saw she was very upset.

  "Come on," I insisted. "Forget about it." I took her hand and led her out of the bathroom.

  But the rest of the evening was a nightmare for us. The others kept glaring spitefully at us. None of them would talk to us and before the dance ended, they were whispering things about us to other girls and laughing aloud.

  Joshua sensed something was wrong, so I told him.

  "Just like me," he said, "to be the cause of someone's problems." I was surprised at how quickly he accepted blame.

  "Oh no, it's not your fault and it's a very stupid reason for them to argue and be angry. They're not really our friends if they would do this." I glared back at them across the dance floor. "Besides," I said, "I would much rather you be my friend than any of the so-called 'special club.' "

  "Really?" Joshua's eyes lit up.

  "Yes. I hope you will call me and come see me whenever there is an opportunity." I couldn't believe how brazen I was with him, but I was angry and I did like him.

  "Oh, I will. I will." He beamed.

  We danced again and again and when the slow dance came, he held me firmly against his body and his lips grazed my temple. I looked up at him and for a moment, he held his eyes on mine. We must have looked very romantic, because when I gazed at some of the other girls from Winterhaven who weren't members of our "special club," I saw them looking at Joshua and me with dreamy far-off expressions in their eyes and sighs on their lips.

  Miss Mallory announced the end of the dance and advised the cleanup committee to be up early in the morning to do their job. Future parties, she warned, depended on how well they performed.

  The boys began to leave. Jennifer and I walked out with William and Joshua, both of us holding hands with our dates. As soon as we walked out of the building, William pulled Jennifer into the shadows to give her a good-night kiss. Joshua and I watched. Then we turned to each other. I couldn't help my feelings. I wanted him to kiss me, too. Without realizing it, I was squeezing his hand. He looked puzzled for a moment and then, he led me toward another shadowy area where he kissed me softly on the lips.

  "Good night, Leigh. I had a wonderful time," he said.

  "So did I. Good night."

  He joined William and they were off with the others. Jennifer and I waved until they were gone. Then we looked at each other and laughed. She and I hugged, held hands, and reentered the dorm.

  When we arrived at our room, we found a note on our door that read: "KEEP YOUR SECRETS AND YOURSELVES AWAY FROM THE REST OF US."

  I ripped it off the door and tore it up.

  Jennifer went to her bed to sit down and mourn, but the moment she did, she jumped with a scream,

  "What?"

  "Look!"

  Our beds were soaked. It smelled like they had scooped water out of the toilets and thrown it over them.

  "Ugh," Jennifer said. She started to get sick and ran for the bathroom.

  When I had told her I didn't understand men, I had made a gross understatement. I didn't understand anybody, men or women. Cruelness, selfishness, jealousy, evil in many forms, festered like a blister under everyone's heart, probably even my own. Right now I wished I could punish each and every one of the "special club" by sticking needles and pins in them.

  I started to strip off the bedding. We would have to turn over the mattresses.

  Jennifer came out of the bathroom, tears streaming down her cheeks. I smiled.

  "How can you be happy after this?" she asked.

  "I'm not thinking about this. I'm thinking about Joshua John Bennington's hazel-green eyes," I replied. She stared at me in amazement for a moment and then she smiled too. And then we both laughed.

  We laughed so loud and hysterically that some of the other girls came out of their rooms to see what was happening.

  "IT'S NOTHING," I screamed in the hallway, "WE JUST HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME

  TONIGHT."

  Doors slammed down the corridor.

  Jennifer and I looked at each other and laughed again. We laughed so hard and so long, we were too tired to make our beds properly and fell asleep on the unmade mattresses, our feet still moving to the music, our eyes still full of the ballroom lights.

  The school year was different for us without our being part of the "special club." Some of them, like Wendy and Carla, couldn't help but be friendly again, even though we were never invited to any of their parties and meetings. It didn't matter as much as we feared it would because we were so involved with William and Joshua.

  Every weekend I remained at Winterhaven, the four of us managed to get together to do something, even if it was just to study in the library. We went to movies and to restaurants and took walks on the docks. The weekends I had to go home, Joshua called me twice a day.

  I told Momma about him, but she didn't seem very interested. She was very upset about herself because she couldn't lose four pounds no matter whose new diet she followed. She had even hired a dietician to help Rye prepare foods--something he didn't appreciate--but when that didn't bring about the results Momma wanted as quickly as she wanted them, she fired her.

  Tony was very busy because his business was growing in so many ways. When I asked about the portrait doll, he said it was nearly ready, but he had decided to hold off showing it until the Christmas season, deciding it would be a wonderful new item for their stores. My mother told me that he was secretly keeping the doll from me until my birthday.

  Troy's allergies improved and Tony hired a fulltime tutor for him because he was so precocious. He was sure to be skipped along when he finally did enter grade school since he was already reading and writing.

  One weekend early in October, I caught Momma in one of her better moods. She had been to a dinner party at which an editor from Vogue attended and told her she was beautiful enough to be a cover girl. He was even going to send a photographer around to take some sample shots to show. While she was in such high spirits, I asked her if I could have a birthday party and invite Jennifer, William and Joshua, as well as a few other girls we had become friendly with since being ostracized by the "special club." She agreed and even took charge of the arrangements. My birthday would be on a Monday, but we decided to have the party on the Sunday before.

  That Saturday night Tony took my mother and me to dinner for our private celebration. Troy was permitted to go along. We had a wonderful time. Tony had arranged beforehand for the restaurant to make a special birthday cake for me, and the chef himself brought it out. The waiters and waitresses gathered around our table and sang "Happy Birthday." Momma and Tony kissed me and then little Troy gave me a present, one he was proud of because he had picked it out himself. It was a gold locket. He had put his picture in it, too. On the back he had the jeweler inscribe "For my sister, Leigh."

  "Oh, how sweet," I said hugging him. "I love this, Troy. I'll try to wear it always," I told him and he looked so proud but dignified in his sports jacket and tie.

  Later that night, not more than an hour after we had returned from the restaurant, I heard a knock on my outer door. It was Tony. He stood there holding a package wrapped in pink and blue paper.

  "I wanted to do this privately," he explained, his blue eyes capturing my own and holding them for a long moment. "It's too special for us to share it with anyone at first."

  "Thank you, Tony." I took the package from him and sat on the settee to unwrap it while he stood by, his hands behind his back, watching me. My fingers were clumsy because I was
so excited. I didn't let on that I knew what was in the box, for Momma had already given it away.

  I lifted the lid and looked down at my portrait doll. I thought it was truly a work of art, the doll's face so like my own it was as if I were looking into a mirror that miniaturized whoever gazed upon it. The expression on the doll's face was lovely, an exquisite smile, its eyes so bright and lifelike, I had the eerie feeling it could speak to me.

  "Its hair feels so real," I said in a whisper.

  "It is real hair," Tony replied, his lips curling into a smile. "Your hair."

  "What?"

  "Do you remember when Jillian took you to her hairdresser two months ago? I was in cahoots with him. He saved every strand of your hair that he cut and gave it to me and I had this done."

  "Really?" I was impressed.

  The doll was dressed in a dress much like the one I had worn to the first school dance. Everything on it was authentic, even the tiny gold bracelet and the tiny gold locket, an exact replica of the one Troy had given me.

  "If you look behind that locket with a magnifying glass, you'll see it says, 'Love, Tony." "

  I turned it over and saw the wee words. How precious, I thought.

  Everything about the doll was beautiful. Of course, her body was still much more developed than mine, but 1 remembered what Momma had said about Tony's combining the two of us.

  I admired the detail work in the fingers and hands and had to turn my own palms over to compare. He had carved the same lines in the doll's palms. I wanted to undress it, and look for other things, but I didn't want to do that in front of him.

  "It's beautiful, Tony, and a work of art, just as you said it would be."

  "I'm glad you like it. I have copies being made for the window displays, of course, but this is the original and it's yours forever. Happy birthday, Leigh," he said leaning down to kiss me. I turned my cheek, but he kissed me quickly on the lips.

  "Well now," he said standing. "I have some things to do in the office. See you later."

  "Thank you, Tony." I held the doll in my arms as he left. Then I went quickly into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I looked at the doll's body and breathed a sigh of relief. Although the bosom was vivid and there was even that little birthmark that was under my breast, he had done what I had asked about the genitals.

  I smoothed down the dress and went off to show it to Momma.

  "Oh, it's so beautiful, Leigh!" she exclaimed turning it around and around in her hands. "But I just knew it would be. Tony was so determined. It will be the hit of the Christmas season--portrait dolls by Tatterton. I so like the ring of that, don't you?

  "Someday, I might just have him make one of me," she said and sighed. "Although I could never sit still as long as you did. I just don't have that kind of patience. He'll just have to do it from memory or photographs. Once I lose this excess weight, --that is. Don't you think that's a good idea, Leigh?"

  "Yes, Momma," I said and left her dreaming about photo sessions.

  I set the doll beside me on my bed and stared into its eyes. They twinkled as if she were truly alive and knew some deep secrets, perhaps the secret of my future.

  "How I wish you could talk as well as look beautiful. Then you could be my guardian angel."

  What a good name for the doll, I thought, Angel.

  "That's what I'll call you from now on," I told her. I thought her smile widened, but of course, it was only my wild imagination fed by my hopes and dreams.

  What a wonderful birthday this was turning out to be. If only Daddy were home and not married again with another family . . .

  It was as if he heard me across the country. The phone rang and it was he, calling from San Francisco.

  "I wanted to be sure to get you, Princess," he said. "I have an early departure tomorrow. My present will arrive in the morning. I hope you like it. Mildred picked it out," he added. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore those last words.

  "Where are you going this time, Daddy?" I asked, unable to hide the critical and unhappy tone in my voice.

  "We're developing a cruise to the Hawaiian Islands. There's a real market for such a thing on the West Coast. Mildred did a great deal of research on it. She's becoming of inestimable worth. Oh, Mildred says 'Happy Birthday." "

  "Tell her 'thank you.' When will you return?" I asked, thinking about our tentative plans to spend the Christmas holidays together.

  "Not for months, I'm afraid. There's the establishment of offices, work with travel agents and hotel chains, the hiring of employees. But as soon as I return, I'll plan another holiday for all of us. Are you having a birthday party?"

  "Yes, Daddy." I was about to say, "I wish you could come," but I held back. Why wish for something that could never come true?

  "Well, next year, I will be there for your birthday. That's a promise be able to keep because Mildred has decided we should plan our calendar a year in advance. Everything all right?" he asked, when I didn't respond.

  "Yes, Daddy."

  "Well, happy birthday, Princess. think of you all day tomorrow and send you postcards. Good night."

  "Good night, Daddy," I said. 1 heard him hang up, the click traveling thousands of miles and falling on my ear like a teardrop made of lead.

  I felt the warm trickle of my own tears and brought nay finger to my cheeks. The tip glistened. I brought it to Angel's face and touched her cheek.

  Surely, she wanted to share my tears, too.

  sixteen AT THE COTTAGE

  . Momma went overboard with my birthday party. She was determined to do all she could to impress all my friends from Winterhaven, not that they needed anything special to excite them. Once they were driven through the great arches and approached Farthy, they were already sufficiently impressed. Jennifer and I decided I should invite Wendy and Carla, since they had remained friendly even after Marie and the others excluded us. Of course, that hardened the distance and heightened the wall between us and the others, but neither Jennifer nor I cared anymore.

  It was a beautiful October Sunday, a little warmer than usual. The grass was still quite green and plush, as were the hedges. With the fall colors in the background, the sky crystal blue and spotted here and there with cotton-candy clouds, the day promised to be wonderful. I had no idea how elaborate my party was going to be. Late that morning a five-piece band arrived and set up in the ballroom. The staff brought out long serving tables and tables for the guests. With caviar as one of the appetizers, solid silver bowls of punch, decorations designed by a Boston decorator, professional musicians, memento presents for all my guests, waiters and waitresses everywhere, and a movie, to be shown in the small theater, my party was truly overwhelming and quite unlike any birthday party I had ever had when we were all together and living in Boston. Even Tony was taken by surprise.

  Troy was so excited he tried hard to get out of taking his morning nap. Under the threat of not being able to attend the party, he finally agreed to rest. Momma dressed up as if it were a party for adults. She put on her expensive diamonds and one of her most expensive designer black dresses, and spent most of the morning preparing her hair and makeup. She took a position in the great entry hall to greet my guests as they arrived. After they met her, either Troy or I escorted them into the great ballroom.

  When Joshua arrived, I took his hand to make a big thing of introducing him to my mother. y heart hardened when she didn't even notice I was treating him as someone special, and I realized she had never listened to me when had spoken about him before.

  "This is Joshua Bennington," I repeated when she had greeted him quickly and turned to give one of the maids an order.

  "Do I know your family, Joshua?"

  "I don't think so, Mrs. Tatterton," Joshua

  replied politely. I groaned with disappointment and took Joshua through the big house, showing him the music room with the murals, the grand piano, the gigantic fireplaces, and then snuck him away for a quick look at my suite.

  "It's beautiful," Jo
shua said. "I've never been in a house quite like this. It's a . . a castle."

  "Much too big to be a home," I said. He nodded and then his eyes fell on Angel. I had her propped up against a pillow on my bed.

  "What's that?"

  "That's Angel. Angel, meet Joshua Bennington. You remember him. I've been talking about him enough," I said. Joshua's eyes widened and then he laughed. He stepped closer to the doll.

  "It looks just like you."

  "It is me," I explained. "It's the newest Tatterton Toy, a portrait doll. I modeled for the very first one."

  "It's beautiful. Just like you, Leigh," he said and blushed after his own words. How wonderful to have someone besides Tony or my father tell me that, I thought.

  "Thank you, Joshua. Afterward, if you like, you and I will sneak away from the others and I'll show you the English maze and the cottage where I modeled."

  "Yes, I'd like that," he said.

  I took his hand and led him back downstairs where my party was just getting underway.

  The band was very good because it played upto-date songs. There was so much food and everyone thought the memento Momma had designed was very clever. She had a globe put in a glass cube and on the cube she had inscribed, "Leigh, we think the world of her." I was embarrassed by all this extravagance, but Momma went about, relishing the role of hostess, questioning everyone about his or her family, introducing Tony and bragging about Tatterton Toys. She wanted to be sure they all took home good stories about Farthy and Jillian Tatterton. In some ways she reminded me of how she used to be when we had first started going on Daddy's cruises and she would mingle with the passengers.

  Finally, she announced the showing of the movie in "our private movie theater." My friends couldn't believe their ears. She had somehow gotten one of the newest movies before it even reached the movie theaters.

  "Oh, Leigh," Jennifer said rushing over with William, "I'll never forget this birthday party."