Darkest Fear

  Jennifer was my best friend, but she alone was having all the college experiences I’d expected to share. Her life seemed odd and foreign to me, and mine seemed boring and inexplicable to her. Though she was still my best friend, I was keeping so much from her that I might as well have been a stranger. But I was growing closer to Aly every day—in some ways closer to her than to Matéo. She knew who I was, all of me. I didn’t have to hide anything from her. I could tell her anything, and had. Even when I gave Jennifer edited versions of my life here, she’d never met Matéo or Aly or Rafael, so they didn’t seem real to her. Just like her friends and her come-and-go girlfriends didn’t seem quite real to me. Was this how we would drift apart forever? I had planned to leave my parents and keep them at arm’s length. Now I was losing Jennifer. How come the only way I could be myself was to leave everyone I loved behind?

  I didn’t know. And I still had no clue as to who “myself” was.

  Around eleven o’clock we found a drive-through and got fast food that I wolfed down and then regretted. I was tired of the darkness, tired of the rain, tired of myself, and wished I were home in my big bed with the silk half tester on top.

  Around one in the morning there was a slight break in the rain, and a few minutes after that we reached the first campground. The small office was closed.

  “We might as well get some sleep,” Matéo said.

  “Maybe we should just . . . go search,” Aly said.

  I’d looked on my phone’s map: the Sabine National Forest was a big, irregular stretch of land and helped define that part of the border between Louisiana and Texas. The Toledo Bend Reservoir separated it from Louisiana, and there was really only one main road that cut through the forest’s middle, south to north. All the campground entrances were off this one road, which should have made the search simpler. But it was the middle of the night and we were all beat.

  “I know how anxious you are, sweetie,” Matéo told her, rubbing her shoulder. “But I think it would be better if we slept until morning, then asked questions at the three campgrounds. This park is huge. If we could narrow down the area to cover, it would help.”

  “You’re right,” said Aly, her face drawn with fatigue and worry.

  We ended up staying in Matéo’s car, right by the campground office. I was okay with my pillow and blanket in the backseat by myself, while Matéo and Aly made do in sleeping bags with the front seats reclined. I didn’t think I’d be able to sleep, expecting all my weighty concerns to press down on me as soon as I closed my eyes . . . but finally I dozed off, and when I opened my eyes it was morning and I was freezing. Uncoiling my too-long body, I stretched, feeling hungry and stiff and needing to go to the bathroom.

  The campground office opened at eight and was staffed by one college student. She was very nice, and she hadn’t seen Suzanne or James. Mostly what she did was verify hunting and fishing licenses—there were certain limited areas of the forest where hunting was allowed as a means of keeping the deer population down. She didn’t remember seeing Suzanne’s green Subaru. We got the same answers at the second campground, and Aly almost cried with frustration.

  “Third time lucky,” said Matéo, putting his car into gear.

  The third and final campground entrance was only four miles away, but the road was narrow and twisty, and it took us a good twenty minutes to get there. It looked like few people ever made it this far in their quest for camping access. The road was unpaved but covered with crushed oyster shells like our parking spot at home. The sound of our tires on the shells was incredibly loud, and I peered through the windows, hoping that Suzanne and James would hear us and come running. Maybe they’d simply had car trouble and gotten stuck. Maybe they’d lost their phones.

  Finally we reached the third campground office, which was smaller and less tidy than the first two. Inside, Aly showed the park ranger the pictures of Suzanne and James on her phone.

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I saw them.” The ranger was an older guy whose belly strained the buttons of his khaki shirt. A ten-point deer head was mounted on the wall behind his desk, and his radio was playing classic rock. This scene was eerily reminiscent of some weird movie from the seventies.

  He frowned at the photos on Aly’s phone. “Pretty girl; tall, dark guy. Yeah, I could swear they came through here, what, four days ago? Let me check.” He opened a beat-up gray file cabinet and ruffled through his permits folder. “Yeah, here they are. Five days ago. This them?” He held out the copy of their camping permit, which Suzanne had signed.

  “That’s them!” Aly cried. “Have they come back?”

  The supervisor shook his head. “I have no idea. This office isn’t manned around the clock, and they wouldn’t need to check in here anyway. They could easily have left when no one was around.”

  “Were they given a permit for a certain campsite?” Matéo asked.

  “No, that’s not how we do it. This is a free, ‘rough camping’ site, where they can pitch a tent anywhere as long as they don’t leave any trash behind.”

  Matéo looked at him. “And the forest is how big?”

  “About a hundred sixty thousand acres, give or take,” the ranger said. “I’m sure they’re fine—it hasn’t been freezing on any night—but I could call in a search party if they’ve been missing for forty-eight hours.”

  Aly bit her lip, thinking. “We’ll look first and let you know, okay?”

  “Okay. I’ll be here till five.”

  We drove several miles away from the camp office, looking for Suzanne’s Subaru, but though we saw tire tracks, there was no way to tell what car they belonged to. Finally Matéo stopped at the very end of one of the distant parking areas. There were no other cars around. The rain had started up again, making it feel colder than fifty-two degrees. The forest was too thick to go off-road, and with all the rain the ground was so sodden that even if we tried we would make big, rutted tracks and probably get stuck.

  In the front seat, Matéo and Aly looked at each other, seeming to communicate silently. I remembered Mami and Papi doing the same thing.

  Aly turned to me. “So, we’re going to search the forest for Suzanne and James.”

  “Okay.” I took a deep breath. “Let’s do it.” Had we brought raincoats? Flashlights?

  “We can search the forest much faster and better in our other forms. Obviously.”

  It had occurred to me that this would probably be the case. Good thing I’d impulsively insisted on coming along. Well, Matéo and Aly were my family; James and Suzanne were my friends. Time to put on my big-girl . . . claws. I swallowed hard. Forcing myself to let go of years of prejudice and fear wasn’t easy. But I could do it. I could decide to do it.

  “That makes sense,” I said bravely.

  “Do you want to . . . wait here?” Aly asked.

  “No. I want to help search. Just tell me what to do.”

  The looks of love and pride on their faces made me feel warm inside. Again I was reminded that I could have had those same looks from my own parents, if things had been different. If I had been different.

  “Just change, and the hunt will come naturally,” said Matéo, and a shiver went down my spine. “We brought some of their clothes so we can match the scent. We’ll split up to cover as much ground as possible.”

  Memorizing their scents was easy: Suzanne wore Eau d’Hadrien by Annick Goutal, and James wore Polo by Ralph Lauren. They were preppy haguari. I was surprised their jaguar coats weren’t plaid.

  “Do you want to go first?” Aly asked. “We’ll put our clothes in the trunk and leave it unlocked. You’ll be able to retrace your steps and find the car again.”

  “When should I come back?” I asked.

  “When we find them,” Aly said grimly.

  I got out of the car, squinting against the chilly, drizzling rain. Looking around carefully to make sure we were alone, I went to the blind spot toward the back of the car. They were family, but I wasn’t used to public nakedness.

&
nbsp; Quickly I stripped off my clothes so they wouldn’t tear, and tossed them in the trunk. Immediately I was freezing, wet, and miserable. If this didn’t work, I was going to be super embarrassed. Still, I closed my eyes and concentrated on finding that spot at the back of my neck. The animal muscle I had to grab and hold on to. The spot that Papi had rubbed my whole life.

  Overhead, the long pine needles dripped rain steadily all around me. Drops hit my head and shoulders as it occurred to me that even if I managed to change, I might not manage to change back. I’d only done it once, after all.

  Now I was shaking with cold, getting panicky that I wouldn’t be able to pull this off. My head lifted, my nose catching the scent of wet pine, soaked earth, the gas of our car. And then . . . there it was, that strong place that felt like a handhold, felt like if I squeezed it, it would become stronger. Imagining my father’s hand on me, I reached for it. Clenched it.

  This time I was present enough to pay attention to the process. My limbs swelled painlessly, all my senses coming to life as if I’d been living in two dimensions and was now aware of a third. My jaws stretched and grew heavy with power. My tongue ran over sharp fangs two inches long that folded neatly into my mouth. Dropping to all fours, I rolled and stretched muscles that hadn’t been used in too long a time. I felt alive and full of power and joy.

  I open my eyes

  I am more than Vivi. I am a haguara. I am Ha-Vivi.

  People family Matéo Aly looking at me I go closer to them

  I am not cold rain is running off my dense black fur

  Aly rubs my head I purr she holds out cloth I smell lemons I smell spices I smell dark-haired girl I smell tall male elegance

  Rub against them mark them as mine Aly scratches my head

  “Beautiful girl. I’ll see you soon.” words are quiet

  Want to be away in woods car smells bad like hot metal like burning oil

  I glance back I see two jaguars we meet eyes I turn away

  I head into the woods alone

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  FEAR SLIPS AWAY LIKE FOG my footfalls are like fog too

  Almost silent on the wet pine needles and leaves every so often I stop and rub my head against a tree it feels good it leaves my scent I will be able to find my trail

  Wet pine smells different from wet sycamore smells different from wet cypress

  There are no people the air is chilly it is raining

  Rain runs down my nose I am not cold

  I am running so happy it is easy to weave through the woods like a needle

  Easy to leap over fallen trees with dirt-clotted root-balls six feet high

  My lungs work so well my eyes are like crosshairs my muscles are tireless

  And everywhere a steady stream of intoxicating exhilarating scents

  They wake my brain my nerves they paint the world as I’ve never known it

  I smell rabbit I see it between the roots of a live oak

  I smell deer they are running to escape me

  My nose tells me about woodchucks and beavers and foxes and bats and squirrels and chipmunks and so many birds and mice and moles and voles and rats they all smell different they all live in this forest I never knew that

  Vivi was afraid of what Ha-Vivi would do when hungry I let that go it is stupid like cloth it is stupid

  Clouds like bruises hide the sun I know the night is coming

  I run I open my mouth to smell better I do not smell lemons or spices

  I run until it is dark

  In the darkness everything is outlined tiny sounds and thread scents and thinnest shadows make a picture so clear like it is burning in sunlight

  It is time to wait

  I head upwind I lie still on the wet ground

  Rain drips on me my ears twitch at every sound

  I separate the squeak of a mouse the rustling of leaves the shuffling of owl feathers the scritch of a squirrel’s claws as it shifts in its nest high in the trees

  There

  My nostrils flare it is a deer a female

  I track the landscape slowly my gaze locks on the small form it is cautious it is alert and wary it will not pick up my scent in time

  My muscles coil my stomach is hollow I need energy here is dinner

  I start to move

  My paw breaks a twig the deer takes off it bounds eight feet it is panicked it zigzags through trees it turns sharply it knows this land

  But I am a jaguar

  Within twenty seconds I knock it to the ground I do not play with it I kill it instantly its skull is fine and delicate under my heavy jaws it does not suffer

  I am exhilarated

  I have smelled wolf and coyote I drag dinner up into a tree it is a little difficult my jaws ache

  I eat it is delicious it is life and drink and full belly I am alive I am happy I can sleep

  • • •

  The sun is not up but will be soon it is raining heavier

  My fur is wet I am chilly I do not eat I am not hungry I leave my kill in the tree

  Turkey buzzards will eat it rats and mice will eat it ants will eat it there will be nothing left of my victory

  Day is marked by a slightly brighter area in the sky there is no warmth on my shoulders

  The world is dim and wet and cold I head toward the sun sometimes I trot

  I do not smell lemons

  The splotch in the sky moves I have been a jaguar for a long time it is still new

  I am beautiful I am strong I am a hunter I lope through woods I cross streams that rush above their banks

  It is still raining hard

  I can go and go there is so much to see and smell and hear I do not smell other jaguars I do not smell lemons or spice

  The covered sun arcs across the sky

  Now night is coming I sense something new I sniff I turn I trot

  My paws land solid and steady never sliding never slipping

  There is a clearing there is a building there is short grass around it

  I smell cars but there are no cars now

  I am quiet in the trees I look at the house there are no sounds no lights there are dark windows and more dark windows by the ground why so low

  The night is black I am black too I creep out of the woods

  I don’t like this building it smells like people it doesn’t smell like lemons

  I have forgotten why I am looking for lemons

  I go on my belly on the wet grass I get close to the low window I look in I see nothing

  I look again my eyes pick out something

  I see them now

  My muscles get tight like steel springs my lip curls above my teeth my eyes are slits

  There are jaguars underground

  Under this house there are cages there are jaguars in cages

  There is water they are standing in it partway up their legs

  They are pacing tightly in their cages

  There are stairs there are no people

  One cage has two jaguars they are angry they are afraid

  There is one jaguar in a cage it is angry too

  I can’t smell them through the glass who are these jaguars are they haguari are they jaguars why has someone caught jaguars

  Sudden lightning flashes like the sun I see the golden fur the wide-pupiled eyes

  I shrink into the shadows and bound toward the woods

  I need help

  Matéo Aly help should I roar should I run fast pick up their scents find them

  Stop

  Stop be still think

  The caged jaguars are they Matéo and Aly

  I’ve never seen Ha-Aly I saw Ha-Matéo only close enough to bite

  Were they in the cage I don’t know I don’t know

  I sit down I do not know what to do why am I thinking about lemons

  This forest is so big what should I do

  I am strong I am fast I do not know what to do

  I want to run away where is Vivi I want to run
r />   I ran when Mami told me to

  I shouldn’t have run I shouldn’t have left

  I pace back and forth the sky is starless still raining

  The water will rise the cats are in cages they will drown

  I hear an engine I see lights shooting through the trees

  It is getting closer

  I hunker down but they could never see me I am so dark

  Soon I see a car I smell the stink of exhaust but the rain dims everything

  The car parks in front it is quiet doors open a man a woman run through the rain

  I move closer to see

  They go into the house they turn on lights the woman lowers shades

  The down-low windows get bright

  My heart beats quickly adrenaline whispers through my veins

  I am strong and afraid I know I’m afraid

  Slowly very very slowly I slink through the rain

  I get close to the house I stay in the shadows I creep up to the down-low window

  The man comes down the stairs he splashes through the water

  The water is rising it is higher the cats are trapped

  They snarl at the man they bare their teeth

  Outside in the rain I bare mine also

  The man is furious he has a stick he hits the cage with the stick there is an awful clang of metal

  The man is shouting “Go on, turn!” He bangs the stick on the cages again

  The cats snarl

  My fur rises in a line down my spine

  I want to bite him take him down like a deer crush his skull

  “You know you want to! You have to! The water’s rising and your time is running out!”

  One of the cats swipes at the man through the bars of the cage

  The man gets angrier and hits the cage again and again

  A growl rises in my throat and I quiet it

  “I should leave you all here to drown! You’re going to die in here!”

  Think Ha-Vivi think with your smart brain

  I see stairs I see the bars on the cages I could never bite through those