Completing The List

It was starting to get cold in the city, which meant there was another holiday season on the horizon. Lizzy couldn’t believe it was going to be the second time since his passing that she would be alone for the holidays. Well, she never really was alone. The Sheppard family always had a place at their table for Lizzy, as did her own family. Even Shannon and her better half went out of their way to make a place for her to spend time with them and Damon. She really did appreciate the outpour of affection but it never made the holiday easier for her, at least not this early. She still missed the man who married her, and it would take more than a few seasons to get over him. Lizzy sat there by her window, watching the snow come down and back at the list that was in her hands. There were only two items left on the list. Funny thing was, she already had a plan in action to take care of the last one in a way that she knew would make Hayden proud. The problem was she had to take care of the second last first, which was as cryptic as ever. It was obvious Hayden had hurt someone, much more than the whole stolen teddy bear incident, and he wanted to seek that person’s forgiveness at one point or another. The problem facing Lizzy as how she was going to find out the name of this person and what Hayden had done to he, she or them.

  At first Lizzy tried to find the answer simply by looking for it. She did online searches to see if he had any online blogs that she wasn’t aware of. No dice, she thought to herself, Hayden was the online journal kind of person. Ditto for writing them, as Lizzy spent three days looking through the house for some kind of journal that might have the answers she sought. No such thing existed, and thus she had no way to find out who he had hurt the most. Lizzy had considered talking to friends and family to see if they could come up with something that could help, but with the holidays coming up it wasn’t such a pleasant idea to make everyone thing of something negative about Hayden when they should be happy and merry with their friends and family. It didn’t seem very fair, and it was the last thing she wanted to do to the people she loved during the holidays. She wasn’t the only one that missed Hayden, and to try to bring up all this wasn’t what she wanted to do them. Lizzy was starting to think it was time to put the list on hold, maybe until after Christmas. She moved to the couch and petted Wyatt who jumped into her lap for his own nap, and watched the snow fall until she dozed of herself.

  There wasn’t that much snow that winter, and Hayden didn’t care as long as there was a game to watch on TV. He sat down in his green chair, wearing his lucky football jersey that was so rugged it looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in years. It was possible but not something that Lizzy wanted to think about. He was sitting on the couch, antsy because it was halftime and that was usually when Lizzy would try to pick a conversation to pass the time. She usually asked something stupid but for some reason that day, Lizzy wanted to talk about something rather deep.

  “Do you have regrets?” she asked him.

  “Regrets?” Hayden asked as he put down his football. “You mean like decisions where I turned left when I should have turned right?”

  “I don’t know; things you’ve done that you wish you could go back and change.” Lizzy said, “Things you did before that you would never do today.”

  “Of course, but mistake are just as important as our best moments.” Hayden said as he sat up in his chair. “For example I regret agreeing to go on a blind date that my sister set up because I was stood up. But I don’t regret being there, because I never would have met you and started the best adventure of my life. That mistake lead to the best thing that ever happened to me. Fate stepped in and made a bad thing right.”

  “I understand your stance on fate and destiny.” Lizzy confirmed. It was a hot topic for them because Lizzy didn’t believe in fate. To steal a quote from one of her favourite movies, she was not comfortable with the idea that she wasn’t in control of her own life. Fate takes away control and the power to do your own thing. Free will doesn’t exist if your path is already lined up and that was the bunt of their atheist/religion debates. She didn’t want to open that can of worms today, so Lizzy decide to rephrase. “I mean are there things you done that you wish you could make amends for. Find someone and seek forgiveness?”

  “Of course there are.” Hayden answered, “But sometimes closure is something one can’t always have. Sometimes we might have to provide our own closure and just move on.”

  “Have you tried to ever seek such forgiveness?” Lizzy asked.

  Hayden looked back at her. “All the time.”

  “I don’t get it.” Lizzy blunted confessed. “Can you give me an example?”

  “No, I cannot.” Hayden answered. “Confession of anything is a difficult thing to do. It’s hard to step up to anyone and bare your soul like that to anyone, and requires the right time, setting and person for it to occur.”

  “So you won’t confess anything to me?” Lizzy said, somewhat disappointed.

  Hayden said with a playful grin. “No, I won’t be making any confessions today…”

  “Why not?” Lizzy asked, somewhat disappointed.

  “Because you’re not my Priest.” He replied.

  After Hayden hit her with that statement, the second half of the game started. Lizzy let the conversation go, as she was a little disturbed that there was someone out there who knew more secrets about her husband than she did.

  Lizzy sat up on her couch and the answer came to her like a bolt of lightning. He did confess everything he did to someone, but it was in the privacy of his church. Hayden didn’t need to keep a journal. Every time he went to church, he would hit the booth and make his mistakes known to the one person that he trusted most. She couldn’t believe how simple the answer was. There was one man out there who knew the answer, was aware of the one person that Hayden hurt most and if she could get that information, she might be able to complete this task and the entire list! She was so excited that she couldn’t wait as she left the apartment and hailed the first cab she saw. She paid the man upfront and asked him to hurry up, which she later regretted. He peeled down every road as fast as he could until she reached the only place where Hayden would ever confess his sins: his church. Lizzy walked into suddenly realize that there was service going on, and she quickly took a seat at one of the benches near the very back of the room. She didn’t want to disturb anyone but suddenly realized moments later what was going on: Father Adam was performing a baptism. She felt bad for intruding, but stayed back and gave the family their space. She didn’t realize it but Father Adam realized she was there and approached her first after the ceremony was finished.

  “Elizabeth.” He said with a warm and very welcoming smile. “What brings you here today? Do you know anyone here for the baptism?”

  “No, I don’t.” Lizzy replied, “I’m sorry for intruding.”

  “If I didn’t want anyone to intrude, I would have locked the doors.” Adam said as he sat down in the pew in front of hers. “My doors are always open for anyone to come in whenever they please. So tell me, is this visit list related?”

  She was kind of taken back by that statement, but then nodded. “It is.”

  “I was afraid this day would come.” Adam said as he seemed to know more than he should have. “I assume you are here to seek assistance with number twenty-nine?”

  “How did you know this?” Lizzy asked shocked beyond belief, “Do you have a photographic memory as well?”

  “No.” Father Adam softly answered, “I merely remember this one because I had a feeling you might need my help to figure it out. After all, who else would know the person Hayden hurt most than the Priest he confesses to.”

  “How often did Hayden confess?” Lizzy asked.

  “Not too often, but often enough.” The priest answered. She could tell by this answer that getting any information wasn’t going to be easy.

  She paused for a moment before finally asking the question he knew was coming. “Are you going to help me? Can you tell me who Hayden hurt most so I can seek forgiveness?”


  “Let me start by saying this much. I am not going to reveal anything Hayden has ever told me in the confines of confession.” Adam answered. “I made a vow never to reveal what I heard and I intend to keep it.”

  “A vow to God?” Lizzy asked.

  “No, it was a vow to Hayden.” Adam replied. “Even though Hayden is gone, my promise to him still means something to me. I will never break the bonds of his confessional.”

  “So what you’re telling me is that I’ll never finish this list?” Lizzy was almost on the verge of tears. She never expected this.

  “I didn’t say that.” Adam said with a warm smile. “Even though I cannot tell you what Hayden said to me in confidence, I still have the answer you seek.”

  “I don’t understand.” Lizzy confessed.

  “It is true Hayden confessed to me people he had hurt in his lifetime, so I know the person he hurt most.” Adam continued, “So I also know that while he sought forgiveness from God, he never sought forgiveness from the person he hurt most.

  “I don’t understand.” Lizzy confessed. She was clearly confused.

  “Since his last confession,” Adam tried to explain, “Hayden hurt someone else. He hurt this person so badly, that all other offences he had made pale in comparison. I can tell you who this person is because I came to this conclusion through personal observation and it will not break anything I’ve been told in confession.”

  “So you know who Hayden hurt most?” Lizzy asked.

  “Yes, I do.” Adam replied.

  “Who was it?” Lizzy inquired.

  Adam paused for a moment. “It was you, Lizzy.”

  “What did Hayden ever do to me?” Lizzy quickly asked.

  “He died,” Adam answered, “His passing caused more suffering and heartache to you than any other person he ever hurt in his lifetime. In order to complete this part of your list, the forgiveness he requires is yours.”

  Lizzy looked at the Priest and could tell that whatever he said, he honestly believed. According to the man that took her husband’s confessions, the most hurtful thing he ever did was leave the wife he promised to love and cherish. While death was the only thing that made them part, it was a lot sooner than anyone had expected it to happen. Adam was sure that she was the one he had hurt most, which mean she would have to make the effort she was hoping to dump on someone else to complete this task. She was going to have to forgive Hayden for dying on her. She looked back up at the young priest.

  “How do I forgive him?” she asked.

  “Say it with your heart and believe it.” Adam answered. “From there you’ll have to show a little faith that he heard us and believed it.”

  Lizzy was crying at this point, but she knew what had to be done. She stood up and gave Hayden’s friend a big hug. “Thank you for taking the time to help me.”

  “I will always be here should you ever need my help, Elizabeth.” Adam said with a warm smile. “I hope we’ll still see you in the kitchen next week?”

  “Of course,” Lizzy said with a smile, “Happy holidays.”

  “Thank you.” Adam said as he watched her leave the Church. At the last moment Lizzy turned back to see if he was still watching and he waved to her. She waved back to him and then parted.

  When she got back to the apartment, she knew what she had to do. She walked over to the fireplace that she never knew and looked over at the remains of her husband. His urn had been there for a very long time, nestled between other things that mean something to her, but it was time for Hayden to go. She grabbed the urn and then called for Wyatt. When the little dog came out of the bedroom and scrambled to her feet, Lizzy responded to his arrival by grabbing his leash from the wall.

  “Time to go for a walk, little guy.”

  She took Wyatt and Hayden for a decent walk that night. They strolled by many places that meant so much to them both. From the firehouse where he had worked for so long to the restaurant where she worked and had met Hayden for the first time, she walked past each place as if she were taking a tour of their short but loving life together. Her walk came to a brief stop when she made it to the river. Lizzy walked Wyatt over to a rail that came right up to the edge of the river and looked down at the urn that was still in her arms.

  “You ready?” She asked the little mutt.

  The dog let out a little whimper and she took that as a sign to carry on. She held out the urn in front of her and spoke to it as if Hayden were somehow able to hear her.

  “According to the man that wed us, I am the one you hurt most.” Lizzy said, “It also means in order for us to complete the twenty-ninth item on your list, you must earn my forgiveness. I will perfectly honest with you, if you had left me for another woman or because we didn’t want to have kids, chances are I never would be able to forgive you. But you didn’t want to leave, not this soon. You wanted to be here with me for many, many more years but were taken away against your will. For that reason alone, I am willing to forgive you. Your intention was to be here with me for decades, to have a family and live happily ever after. Just because that never happened doesn’t mean you didn’t want it. You did want that life with me, and did till the day you died. I forgive you because if you have a choice, you’d still be here with me. Now it’s my turn to ask for your forgiveness. I’m about to move on with my life, without you. I don’t want you to think I came to this decision easily, but I don’t think you would have wanted me to waste any more time or years mourning your loss. You’d want me to live, to carry one and make a new life for myself. That is exactly what I plan to do. I’m going back to school, and I’m going to make a difference in this world. I’ve met a man who might bring some joy to my life. How much I’m not sure, but it’s something I am going to pursue, because there is a spark. Not the fireworks we had, but there is a chance that one day it might be that good. I have to give it a shot, cause if I don’t it might be one of the biggest regrets of my life. I don’t think you want to be the reason why I held back and refused to live my life. I never had a problem with you on my mantle, Hayden, but the time has come to let you go. So not only do I forgive you for checking out of our marriage early and commit you to your favourite waters. Wyatt and I will come back and visit you whenever we walk by here. It will always be our spot, our place to remember you. So with that being said...”

  Lizzy opened the urn and Wyatt watched with curiosity as she poured the contents out and into the river before her. She stood there and watched the river, as if she was watching what was left of her late husband float down the river and out of her life. The wind was cool, but for some reason she felt very comfortable with the weather and enjoyed a nice walk home with her dog. She put the urn into her closet when she got home, placing it on the top shelf above the coats. Wyatt ran into the living room and took his usual spot on Hayden’s green chair right beside the couch where she would sit down herself. She couldn’t believe it was all over. She had completed the one task she never thought she would get to let alone complete. It was so quiet, she had to pick up the phone and make a call. When the person she was calling for finally answered, she only had to say to words.

  “It’s done.”