The Princess and the Privy

and opened the bottom one. She pulled out a shirt and pants. “Here, these should fit you.”

  “Where did you get these?” I asked as I took them.

  “They were mine. I went through a growth spurt a couple of years ago and out-grew them.”

  “That was some growth spurt.”

  Whoops again.

  She glared at me. I kept a close eye on that mace of hers since she seemed way too adept with it for my comfort. I tried to cover up, “I mean, these don't look like princess clothes.”

  She relaxed and put the mace down, helping to calm my nerves. “They were my practice clothes. It's kind of awkward swinging a sword while wearing a dress.”

  “Yeah, I'll take your word for it.”

  She pointed to a small door in one wall. “You can change in there. There's also a wash tub with some water. I suggest you use it.”

  “Will do,” I said as I went into the room, pleased with myself that I had made it into the castle and was closer to my goal. I'd even found an ally. I still had to help the princess escape, but if I got caught, they might think I was trying to kidnap her. And I had no desire of getting a closer look at the king's guillotine.

  Once finished, I left the bathing room and saw the princess had changed out of her pink dress. She now wore an outfit similar to mine with a coat of chain mail over it. I had to admit, in spite of her size and muscles, she wasn't half bad to look at.

  I clapped my hands, smiled, and said, “Alright, what's the plan?”

  “You're going to show me how you planned to get back out.”

  My smile faded. “I, um, planned to go out the main gate as a member of the army.”

  “You're serious, aren't you?” She shook her head as she bent down to cinch the top of her pack closed. “Didn't you have a secondary plan?”

  “Uh.” I started to feel smaller than my already towering five foot two inches.

  “Didn't you know that you were breaking into the upper dungeons?”

  Great. “No.”

  Her shoulders drooped. “Oh.”

  “Aren’t there any other ways out?” I knew I could squeeze back out through the privy, but there was no way she could fit through. And then there was the rancid reek and the possible fur-dragon waiting below.

  She shook her head. “There's only one door out of here. My father always has guards posted there. I escaped too many times when I was younger.”

  “And that's the only way out?”

  “That and the privy hole.”

  I rubbed my temple. This rescuing princesses business was more complicated than I thought. Why couldn't she have been tied to a stake and waiting for a dragon to eat her? That would have been a much easier rescue.

  She shattered my concentration by dumping her pack on the floor. “I guess I won't be going anywhere.” She took her chain mail off and tossed it on her pack before shuffling over to her bed and sitting down. It creaked under her weight.

  It was more than my little heart could take. Poor little princess. Well, actually, poor large and muscular princess. I knew there was no way I could get her out as things stood. But what if I were a member of the king's army? I could get guard duty outside her cell and then, perhaps, be able to find a way to sneak her out. It might take a lot of time, but it was a good plan. I didn't call myself Myrick the Magnificent for nothing. I strode boldly up to her, got down on one knee, and took her hand. “My princess, I swear with every fiber of my being that I will join your father's army and find a way to release you from your horrific imprisonment.”

  Frederica swiped a tear from her cheek. “Really?”

  “Yes, my princess.”

  She stared at me for a moment before a weak smile crossed her lips. “I guess that gives me something to hope for. Thank you.”

  I stood back up. “Then I shall take my leave.” I steeled myself to have to endure the privy hole again and hope there were no dragons about. “I suppose you'll want these clothes back before I go crawling out the toilet.”

  “No, keep them. I don't need them.”

  “Well, princess, it was a pleasure meeting you.” I turned around and headed for the door.

  “No, wait.” Princess Frederica stood, reaching for a grate in the ceiling. “If you can fit through the privy hole, maybe you can fit through this. It opens over the main market area of the castle.”

  I walked back to her side and looked up. It was wider and squarer than the privy hole, but it wasn't as tall. In fact, it looked a little bit smaller. But it might be worth a try. This way, I would still be in the castle and I wouldn’t have to endure the privy hole. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? Get stuck?

  “It looks tight but I'm willing to try.” I took a closer look at the grate, “But how am I going to get past that?”

  “Easy.” Without warning, she swung the mace through the air. It smashed into the grate, turning it into a crumpled mass of metal. One more swing knocked it free from the wall. It crashed to the floor loud enough to wake the dead.

  Footsteps raced through the hall to be followed by a pounding on the door. “Princess, you alright?” came a gruff voice from the other side.

  I looked around in panic before ducking behind the practice dummy.

  Frederica dashed to the door and opened it a crack. “I'm fine, Reldon. Just doing a little bit of practice.”

  “At this hour?”

  “Couldn't sleep. Sorry for the racket, I'll try to keep it down.” With that, she closed the door and turned toward where I bravely cowered. She whispered, “It's safe, just keep your voice down.”

  I stepped out and looked back up at the hole. All I had to do was squirm my way toward my destiny. I looked about for something to stand on. Two powerful arms grabbed me and lifted me as if I were an infant. I pulled myself into the hole. “Thanks for the lift.”

  “My pleasure,” Frederica replied with a melancholy look. “Take care of yourself, Myrick.”

  I squirmed my way in until my shoulders became stuck. My feet still dangled in the air. I flailed as gracefully as I could as I tried to find something to push against. “A little assistance here, please.” Hands grasped my ankles and pushed me forward. My shoulders cleared the obstruction and I could now continue oozing to freedom. “Thanks,” I said again.

  “Just don't get stuck,” I heard, though it was muffled by the stone around me.

  The journey was, shall I say, worse than the privy hole despite the lack of stench. Several times, the passage narrowed down and I almost became wedged for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I was able to clear the obstacles and get through. And, of course, the family of rats that I intruded upon wasn't very happy to see me. It was with great relief that I reached the other side and even greater relief when the grate came off with a minimum of fuss.

  I leaned out the hole. It was a long way down. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the straw cart parked nearby. All I had to do was aim for it and let it break my fall. How lucky could I be?

  Not lucky enough. My forehead smacked the side of the cart and I ended up lying sprawled out on the paving stones. I couldn’t even have the fortune to get knocked out so I had to lay there moaning in pain. At least I didn't break anything, but I had some new bruises added to my collection.

  I stiffly stood, rubbed my back, and limped to a dark corner where I could sleep until morning.

  It didn't feel like I'd been asleep for very long when I felt someone kicking my leg.

  “Oi. You. Wha' ya doin' 'ere, ya little booggah?”

  I opened one eye and saw an old farmer sneering down on me.

  “Sleeping.” Never hurts to state the obvious. Well, actually, that's not true. Sometimes it hurts a lot; like this time.

  After I bravely thrust my stomach into the man's foot several times, he said, “Now git outta 'ere, ya lout. This is my spot.”

  What was it about this castle? Up to this point, the nicest person I'd met had only tried to splatter my brains with a mace.

  I struggle
d to my feet while clutching my stomach. The farmer took a step toward me with a raised fist, which prompted me to heroically turn around and run for my life. I dashed around several buildings before I looked back to find I'd lost him.

  After I caught my breath I made my way back to the marketplace. By now, several wagons had arrived carrying produce, clothing, and other wares. I had to slap myself on the head when I realized that it would have been a lot easier to sneak into the castle aboard one of those wagons than to swing my way in through the toilet. Oh well, live and learn. I put that plan into my mental quiver for next time.

  Now, all I needed to do was find the court wizard, Lord Korac. Normally one might ask for directions, but with my success rate at talking to people, I decided to strike out on my own. I headed toward the back of the courtyard where I saw some kid about my age wearing a dorky red uniform of some kind. He walked under an archway into a deeper part of the castle. I decided to follow him to see if he might lead me to Korac.

  “Hey, you there!” I heard a familiar voice say behind me. I turned and recognized a spear point I was well acquainted with. And at the other end was my old buddy, Bum-stabber. This time I decided not to stick around and chat. I saluted before I took off into the crowd.

  “Stop that thief!”

  I overturned a turnip cart, knocked over a roll of textiles, and plowed over a little old lady during my escape. Once again, my fleetness of foot kept me away from the guard. I darted down a narrow street between the Temple of Korum and the armory, emerging onto a small but mostly vacant street. Heavy footsteps clomped