Crazy Mad Life

Chapter Fourteen

  On Sunday, I awoke to the sound of Mum moaning.

  I went to her bedroom to check she was OK.

  She looked up at me weakly. “I’ve got a dreadfully sore throat, sweetie. I fancy a peppermint tea.”

  “Sorry to hear that Mum. I’ll get you one.”

  Mum gave me a half smile as I left the room to brew myself an espresso and make mum’s mint tea. I emerged from the kitchen to find Mum sitting in the lounge looking very sorry for herself. “Thank you, sweetie. I’ve phoned in sick.”

  We devoured some toast and then I took a shower.

  Shortly afterwards, I received a phone call from Suki. “Oh my God I’m so nervous!” she said. “Cliff’s bringing Dudley to meet my family this afternoon. Mum and Gran’s favourite singer ever is coming to their house!”

  “Wow!” I replied. “When was this arranged?”

  “Cliff and I had a date last night. We went clubbing then to Dudley’s place and the three of us arranged it.”

  “So, your family woke up this morning expecting a nice quiet Sunday and you suddenly said Dudley Mountain had more or less invited himself to your place at short notice? Oh my God Suki!”

  “I haven’t told them he’s coming.”

  “What?”

  “They met Cliff the night Gran went missing, but we didn’t tell them who his dad was. We thought we’d give them a big surprise one day. Today’s the day!”

  “I see,” I said. “Well, your gran’s not in the best of health - are you sure she’s up to the shock?”

  “Gran loves Dudley,” Suki answered. “It’ll be a surprise, not a shock.”

  “Well, have a good time then. I look forward to seeing your gran’s reaction if you’re taking photos.”

  “I’ll send you some,” Suki said sweetly, before hanging up.

  Flabbergasted, I put my mobile down, brewed myself another espresso and downed it in one. Then I sat down in the lounge, wishing I could be a fly on the wall when Dirty Dudley turned up to give Suki’s family the surprise of their lives! Only very recently, Suki had said her mum preferred to admire Dudley from a distance, as she was nervous about meeting him. Now her quiet Sunday was about to be shockingly disrupted by him suddenly appearing in her house like a bloody apparition. I couldn’t wait to hear about it and just hoped it wouldn’t go horribly wrong.

  I returned to the lounge to find Mum lying on the sofa. She opened her eyes wearily and sighed, “I’m sad about finishing my job at the shop after Christmas. I really liked working there with Mr. Petropoulos and his wife. I’ll miss it. Shame I had to phone in sick today, but every limb is aching.”

  “Oh,” I said sadly. “Well, at least you’ve made friends there and you can look forward to making even more friends when you start somewhere else.”

  “We were like a family.”

  “The pay wasn’t great though. Perhaps you’ll get one of the better jobs you’ve applied for.”

  “Perhaps. And it’s good the lady I was covering is well enough to return to work now after her operation.

  I fetched a bottle of still lemonade from the kitchen and poured us a glass each. We sat there together, sipping our drinks in silence.

  Then I got a call from Nutty. He sounded dreadful. “Hi Yaz. How are you?”

  “Not bad,” I replied.

  “I’m a bit poorly,” he said in a croaky voice. “I’m not going to be well enough to drive and meet you. I just need to rest really. Sorry Yaz, but I’m in the recording studio Tuesday to Friday. I just want to sleep all day to help my voice recover.”

  “Fair enough,” I said, my heart sinking. “Mum’s ill too with something similar. I’ll stay here and look after her then.”

  “Yeah - best do that. I should be feeling really well today - Rub-A-Dub-Dub has entered the charts at number three, but I’m feeling sick.”

  “Wow!” I gasped. “That’s fantastic news!”

  “I know - I think we’ll have to celebrate later in the week.”

  “Well done sweetheart!”

  We talked for a few more minutes during which Nutty must have apologised half a dozen times, before he went off to make himself a hot blackcurrant drink.

  I’d been really looking forward to seeing him. Now the day felt dull and dreary. My only consolation was that I wouldn’t have to travel on a motorway, and being number three in the charts for the first time in his life was amazing for him - and for me.

  I texted Suki as well as several friends from my old town. They were all very excited for me. And Mum was over the moon.

  Later that day, whilst dozing on the sofa, I received a text from Suki: Family meeting was amazing! I filmed it. Can I come around today or tomorrow and show you the video?

  I’d love to see it Suki, but Mum’s unwell. I don’t want you to catch it - especially worrying if you give it to your gran. She’s got a nasty sore throat virus.

  That’s a shame. I was looking forward to showing you. Would you like me to email it to you?

  Could you?

  Sure - it’s really good.

  That’s great - it might help cheer me up. I was supposed to see Nutty today but he’s ill too and just wants to sleep - so boring.

  No problem. I’ll send it now. Send my get well wishes to them both.

  Will do. Thanks. Look forward to watching it.

  I poked my head around Mum’s bedroom door. “Are you OK?” I asked.

  “No,” Mum said miserably. “I feel really poorly.”

  “Aww! Sorry. I’ve got something which might help make you feel a little better. They do say laughter is the best medicine, don’t they?”

  She looked at me curiously through glazed pink eyes. “What is it?”

  “Suki brought Dudley and Cliff to meet her family today as a surprise. She filmed it.”

  Mum smiled. “I’d love to see it!”

  She crawled weakly out of bed, and I made us both a ginseng and lemon tea. Then I fetched the iPad and propped it up on its stand, ready to watch the little film.

  “Fetch my handbag!” Mum said. “It’s on the dining chair.”

  I fetched the bag. Mum weakly put it down by her side, opened it, and produced a white cable.

  “What is it?” I asked, taking a sip of tea.

  “I’d bought it as a surprise to watch ourselves when Nutty’s Fun video comes out. You plug one end into the iPad and one end into the telly, so we can watch it on a bigger screen.”

  “Mega fab!” I beamed. I wanted to kiss her, but didn’t want to catch her germs, so I plugged the cable in and pressed play.

  Suki’s little film began with a video selfie of her saying, “My family are getting the surprise of their lives today - they’re totally not gonna believe it!”

  Then there was a shot of Dudley and Cliff emerging from a shiny black cab, walking up the driveway and through the front door. You could see the This family are in for a real treat look written all over Dudley’s face as he crossed over the threshold. It was so obvious he might as well have been saying it out loud. What a bighead! Then Max ran up and began tugging at Dudley’s trouser leg, and Dudley limped through the hall, trying to look like it didn’t bother him. Cliff was holding something large, flat, and oblong which looked suspiciously like a painting. The film cut to Dudley and Cliff creeping into the lounge, where Suki’s poor unsuspecting mum and gran were sat enjoying a TV show. When both women spotted the two men creeping in, they screamed - obviously thinking they were about to be attacked. When they realised it was Dudley, Suki’s mum gasped and placed her hands over her shy face, and her gran got up and hugged Dudley, sheer excitement filling every inch of her sweet old face. She may have forgotten a lot of things, but she hadn’t forgotten her favourite singer.

  Obviously having heard the screams, her alarmed dad appeared and had to hold on to a chair to stop himself collapsing from the surprise. He sat down, blinking in disbelief, as he watched Suki’s gran hugging her idol.

  “Who’s that, Gran?” S
uki asked tearfully.

  “Dudley!” her gran cried, still cuddling the old rocker. “I love you!”

  Suki’s Mum gradually prized her hands away from her face and became emotional at the sight of her frail old mother hugging their idol. She wiped away trickles of tears, smiling sweetly.

  The next shot was of Suki’s family sitting on the settee and Cliff presenting them with the flat thing he’d been carrying.

  “I painted this specially for you all from a photo Suki kindly gave me - may it take pride of place in your house,” he said, handing it to Suki’s gran.

  The family looked at it and went silent.

  “What is it Gran?” Suki asked. “Show it to the camera so everyone can see.”

  Her gran awkwardly turned the canvas around and the camera zoomed in on it. It was an amateurish painting of Max. His eyes looked funny - they were popping out of his head like he’d just had an awful shock. The family all smiled falsely and Max could be heard growling in the background. Obviously, none of them liked the picture.

  “Thank you, Cliff,” Suki’s mum said.

  “He’s my son,” Dudley said proudly, putting his arm around a smiling Cliff’s shoulder. “England’s answer to Rembrandt.”

  “Your son?” Suki’s dad said. “Yes - I can see the resemblance.”

  “Very nice painting of Max,” Suki’s mum said falsely.

  “Yes,” mumbled Suki’s dad, trying his best to sound like he really meant it.

  Suki’s gran continued to gaze admiringly at Dudley.

  In the next scene, everyone was sat down enjoying tea and cake. Predictably, Dudley’s slice of cake was twice the size of everyone else’s. It was disgusting how he only seemed to talk when his mouth was full. When his mouth was empty, he stayed completely silent, then he’d take an enormous bite and start on about how his week had been, before licking cake off each finger individually. Yuk! Good job I hadn’t been there - I might well have thrown his cake in his face and rubbed it into his greasy mop of hair.

  The film then cut to the best bit of all - Dudley dancing with Suki’s gran. Even though she’d been suffering from dementia for some time, she hadn’t forgotten how to dance. The old lady shuffled around, doing some surprisingly nifty little moves as she danced with her idol to Never Let Me Go - another of his cringeworthy tunes.

  Then there was a shot of the family laughing their heads off.

  “OMG!” Suki exclaimed from behind the camera. “Cliff - you are so naughty, I can’t believe you did that!”

  “Max looks so funny!” Suki’s gran said.

  The film cut to Max running around playfully before stopping to sniff the camera. The mischievous Cliff had drawn black arched eyebrows on the little brown dog and he was pointing at the pooch and saying proudly, “I did that - I call it Woof Art.” What an idiot!

  The final scene was everyone hugging and kissing and saying goodbye, as Dudley and Cliff left the house, illuminated by the headlights of the taxi which had come to pick them up. The camera then zoomed to Suki’s family all looking dumbfounded.

  “Did that just really happen?” asked her dad.

  “Yup!” Suki said. “Dudley’s part of our family now!”

  Then the screen went blank.

  “OMG!” Mum squealed. “That was funny. I’m feeling just a little better now. Laughter truly is the best medicine!”