Crazy Mad Life

Chapter Five

  On the following Tuesday, Suki and I were sat at the side of the telephone room enjoying lunch together, when potato-headed Jim walked through, grinning at Suki in the usual flirty way. Suki responded by pretty much mirroring him. This was becoming ridiculous.

  “Still not asked you out?” I laughed.

  “No,” Suki replied, sounding seriously desperate. “I was wondering …” She closed her mouth and looked at the floor.

  “Wondering what?”

  “Well, I was wondering if you’d help me out.”

  “I’ll try,” I said.

  “Would you mind going along to the lighting department and asking him out for me?”

  My jaw dropped. When it came to men, Suki was always the confident one - it was me who’d had trouble communicating with men I liked, until I met Nutty. “Did I hear right?” I asked her.

  “Would you mind?”

  I stared out the window at the street below. “I dunno. I guess it’s easier than asking someone for myself …”

  Suki looked at her watch. “Lunch will be over in twelve minutes.”

  I let out a big sigh. “OK then - I’ll do it. I guess I’ve got nothing to lose.”

  “You’re a star!” Suki said, looking nervous but hopeful.

  I bolted down the remains of my carrot and nut salad, made my way to the lighting department and rapped on the door. Jim answered.

  “Hi,” I said nervously. “I’d like a word with you, if you don’t mind.”

  “Sure!” he said. “Come in.”

  I looked behind Jim at his hairy, middle-aged colleague who was sat stuffing his face with sandwiches.

  “I’d like to speak to you in private,” I said.

  Jim and the hairy man exchanged cheeky looks, as much as to say I was about to propose something naughty to him. Jim stepped out of the room and shut the door.

  I cleared my throat. “I’ve come on behalf of Suki,” I said nervously. “She likes you a lot. She’d love to go on a date sometime.”

  Jim’s face fell. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m not interested at the moment.”

  I froze. I couldn’t believe what I’d just heard. He seemed to like Suki. Was he just a big, silly flirt? Or perhaps he was just doing it to make someone else jealous - not me, I hoped.

  “Oh,” I said. “I’ll let her know.”

  Glumly, I made my way back to the telephone room. Suki was sat in the same position, still looking nervous but hopeful. Her face fell when she saw my expression.

  I sat down next to her. “Sorry Suki,” I whispered. “He says he’s not interested at present. I don’t understand him.”

  Suki stared out the window looking mortified. “Thanks for trying anyway.”

  I put an arm on her shoulder. “We’ve got The Mad Dentist press night to look forward to later - who needs oddball lighting blokes?”

  Suki smiled at me, but her eyes looked sad.

  I couldn’t understand him. Perhaps he was walking through our office for the exercise. It was evident from his appearance that walking around the theatre was almost certainly the nearest he ever got to doing a workout. Whatever he was up to, something obviously wasn’t quite right with the man. And did he ever actually do any work? It was quite sickening to see someone who was surely on a good salary spending their working day walking around the building flirting with teenage girls.

  After work, Suki and I went straight to the theatre café. We bought an Americano and a sandwich each and chose a table with a beautiful view of the floodlit theatre gardens. I was just about to bite into my sandwich when Rose appeared with a little skinny bald man. The pair were wearing matching red anoraks. I nudged Suki, who turned around to take a look.

  Suki smiled. “That’s her husband - they’re back together.”

  Rose and her husband had recently split after he had an affair with his secretary. As a result of this, Rose was signed off work sick for a fortnight, during which time we discovered she was sleeping with Dudley, apparently to console herself!

  “I can’t believe she’s bringing him to watch Dudley!” I said quietly.

  Suki laughed. “I know!”

  We waved at the pair as they glided blissfully to the counter, looking like the happiest people alive. They ordered coffee and gateau, then sat themselves down in a romantic corner and held hands across the table.

  “I wouldn’t have had Rose down as one half of a matching anorak wearing pair,” I said, slyly watching them.

  “Perhaps it’s to stop either of them straying,” Suki said thoughtfully. “They can keep an eye on each other in those bright coats and show other people they belong together.”

  “You might be right,” I said. “Unless Monks department store had a buy one get one free offer!”

  A couple of minutes before the play began, we took our seats at the extreme back of the stalls. Last time we’d attended a press night, we’d sat in seats located right on the side of the stage and had a huge giggling fit in front of an audience of over a thousand people. The more we tried to control ourselves, the worse the giggling became. It’s a wonder we didn’t both get the sack. We decided to play safe this time and sit behind everyone else.

  As the play began, the lights went down to total darkness, then an eerie blue light lit the stage as two actors playing nurses dragged Dudley along as he screamed, “Noooooooooooooooo!” Unfortunately, that was the best part of the play - it was all downhill after that opening scene. You’d imagine something named The Mad Dentist to be rather more colourful - like him going on crazy tooth extracting sprees and shit. Unfortunately, the play was nothing like that. Almost every scene consisted of Dudley talking to psychiatrist Doctor Minelli, played by Carl Zimmerman. They chatted in very bad Italian accents throughout the whole dismal production about how events in the dentist’s life, such as having a toy rabbit stolen from his pushchair when he was fifteen-months-old, had turned him stark raving bonkers. Every so often, he’d break down and cry or start screaming for his late mother, then talk about some other life wrecking tragedy. How the world famous Two Masks Theatre dared to show such complete and utter trash was beyond me. Dudley’s acting hadn’t improved since we saw him in Mothballs. If anything, it had become even worse. He was still wildly over the top with his ridiculous theatrical gestures and he still sounded as though he was reading directly from the script. The play ended with Dudley’s character dying in misery. As the asylum workers found the body and pulled the blanket over his face, Dudley had a serious sneezing fit. Even the actors couldn’t keep straight faces - they joined the audience in howling with laughter for a good five minutes before they were able to take their bows.

  We couldn’t wait to leave the theatre that night. We stepped out into the cool and crisp but pleasant evening and stood in the theatre gardens staring at the floodlit fountain and taking a few deep breaths whilst we tried to come to terms with the fact we’d just lost over two hours of our lives watching crap.

  Suki yawned and turned to me, “Fancy a drink in The Bell?”

  “I’d love one!” I beamed.

  As we began walking, we suddenly heard the roar of furious raised voices. We hurried along to find out what all the commotion was about. It soon became apparent there was something going on by the stage door. A large crowd of autograph seekers had gathered and the first thing we saw amongst them were Rose and Tony in their two red anoraks highlighted by a street light, and then we saw Dudley. We moved a bit closer and stood beneath a large tree, watching slyly from the dark.

  “Champagne?” bellowed Rose’s husband in his broad Yorkshire accent. “I’ll give you bloody champagne. I’ll swing a whole bloody bottle at you like I’m launching a ship - coz that’s what you look like - a bloody great ship! Now take your hands off my wife you fat bastard!”

  Then we heard Rose yell, “No Tony - don’t!”

  “I bloody will!” Tony screamed.

  He swung for Dudley but was held back by fans. Then we saw Dana, our dark-haired, m
iddle-aged colleague, walking away from the crowd. We dashed over to her.

  “What was that all about?” asked Suki keenly.

  “Rose and Tony were waiting for Dudley’s autograph,” Dana said, her chest heaving with shock. “Dudley grabbed Rose’s ass and whispered something in her ear - presumably about champagne. Then Tony kicked off.”

  “Dudley did that in front of a crowd of fans?” I said. “The man’s sicker than syphilis.”

  “Didn’t the matching anoraks give him a hint?” asked a puzzled Suki.

  “He probably didn’t see the anorak on Rose,” Dana said. “He’d most likely mentally undressed her.”

  I spat on the floor. “That bloke needs therapy.”

  A small blue car rolled up and tooted its horn. “My husband!” Dana said. “See you both tomorrow!” She hurried off and hopped in the car.

  Suki and I giggled as we headed for The Bell. The inside of the pub was warm and welcoming. We bought ourselves a lemon and lime each, ordered two pots of fries, and sat down close to the glowing fire.

  Suki took a sip of her drink then smiled at me and asked, “How’s Nutty?”

  “He’s OK,” I replied. “But I’m a bit worried.”

  The bright smile on Suki’s pretty face crumpled. “Why?”

  “He travelled to Manchester earlier today to make that video with Miss Silky.”

  “So?”

  “She’s a sex goddess. I’m worried.”

  “Why are you worried? Your favourite artist chose you Yazmin - not Miss Silky.”

  “I know, but …”

  “He loves you. Lighten up!”

  Then Ty and Tracy appeared. Ty was a striking young blonde actor who Suki and I had both fancied from the moment we first saw his photo on the internet a couple of weeks before he arrived in town with the rest of the company. I really liked him, and he appeared to be keen on me. But, to cut a long story short, my extreme shyness around attractive men ruined it for me. I acted like a right nervy weirdo when he was around and he ended up believing I wasn’t interested. Next thing I knew he was with Tracy. In my eyes, Tracy was one of the ugliest girls alive with her huge ski snout, eyes which sloped down at the outer corners and big thick ankles. Her blonde and pink striped hair only served to draw attention to her faults. Men I fancied always seemed to choose strange looking women over me after my nerves put them off. I’m not sure whether the girls actually were that odd looking, or if I had some strange mental disorder which made all their worst features stand out, turning the girls into caricatures. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t get together with Ty, or I might never have been introduced to Nutty. I still found Ty attractive, but not half as gorgeous as my beautiful man.

  Tracy kept staring over at me as the barman brought our fries. Then she came over and interrupted us as we were trying to eat. “Hi gals!” she said in her squeaky bimbo voice.

  “Hi,” Suki and I chorused flatly.

  Tracy looked around the pub, then leaned in towards us and whispered, “Wanna come to a press night party? It’s mostly for company and backstage staff, but Ty’s allowed to bring friends. We thought you might like to join us.” She fixed her gaze on me. “You can bring Nutty!”

  “He’s away making a video,” I said proudly.

  Tracy’s face fell. “Oh. Never mind - you and Suki are both very welcome.” She didn’t sound very sincere. She was obviously a Nutty fan. I’d seen her narrowing her eyes at me jealously the night I met him at the party. The only reason she was asking us to tonight’s party was in the hope of meeting Nutty and becoming his friend.

  “Give us the details and we’ll think about it,” I said.

  “It’s at Dudley’s place, starting at eleven o’clock,” Tracy said with a smile. “Let us know. We can all walk together!” She tottered away in her Mini Mouse shoes and sat back down with Ty.

  I frowned. “She’s only inviting us coz she wants to meet Nutty.”

  Suki pulled a sad baby face. “Pweeeese!” she begged. “Don’t you want to see inside Dudley’s house?”

  I thought about it for a few moments. It would be interesting to see the state of his house interior. Nutty was probably off partying with Miss Silky Pants anyway. Why should I sit around moping whilst he was having the time of his life?

  “Oh, go on then!” I said. “Why not?”

  “Yay!” Suki cheered. She caught Tracy’s attention and stuck her thumb in the air, grinning brightly.

  Tracy’s face lit up as bright as a bloody campfire. If she thought I was now her friend and was going to return the favour by inviting her to showbiz parties with Nutty, she had another thing coming. She tottered over to our table, grinning like an idiot. “Let’s finish our drinks and set off in about five. That OK?”

  “Yeah - looking forward to it!” Suki beamed. “Thanks for inviting us!”

  “Not at all!” Tracy squeaked. “You’re my friends!”

  I smiled falsely at Tracy, then began to worry again. Nutty had supposedly set off for Manchester sometime in the afternoon, ready to begin shooting the video tomorrow, but he hadn’t called or texted me to say he’d arrived safely. I decided to send him a brief text: Hi gorgeous! I typed. Hope you got there safely. Can’t wait to see you when you get back! XXX

  I kept an eye on my phone as Suki bolted down her last few fries and guzzled the remains of her drink. Then I decided to stalk his Twitter account. The last entry had been written at twelve minutes past two: ‘Travelling north to shoot the Rub-A-Dub-Dub video with the beautiful Miss Silky!’

  “Just nipping to the loo,” I said, rising to my feet. I dashed to the loo and sat in the cubicle stalking Miss Silky’s Twitter. Her last entry was at eighteen minutes past five o’clock: ‘Guess who I’m Rub-A-Dub-Dubbing with? Mr Bonkers’! I felt like I’d been punched in the chest by an iron fist. With shaking hands, I scrolled down the page, hoping to see pictures of a husband or boyfriend to put my mind at rest a little. Most of her entries were about her videos: ‘Have you seen my beauty queen video?’ ‘Had such fun making this video.’ ‘Hope my mum doesn’t see this one - it’s rather naughty!’ ‘This has to be my fave so far!’ What a bimbo, I thought. Then I came across a picture of a beautiful black guy. Beneath the pic was the caption ‘I love Trevor soooooo much!’ My heart leapt for joy, until I scrolled a little further down and found out Trevor was her twin. I scrolled down past more stupid videos and then found a photo of her hugging a handsome blonde bloke with the caption ‘Jamie and I would like to announce our engagement.’ I felt a bit better, but was still a little worried as the entry was almost a year old and, as far as I could see, there’d been no mention of him since.

  Then Suki called, “Yazmin! Are you OK?”

  I jumped. “Just a moment…” I swiftly emerged from the cubicle and told a little white lie. “Sorry I took so long. There was a queue.”

  “Are you ready to go then?” Suki asked excitedly.

  “I’m ready to go!” I said, trying my best to look happy, although a very large part of me desperately wanted to jump in a cab and travel to Manchester to find out just what was going on between Miss Silky Knickers and my man.

  We returned to the bar to find Ty and Tracy waiting for us with big cheesy grins plastered across their faces. Then the four of us made our way through the misty, lamplit streets to Dudley’s house.