Crazy Mad Life

Chapter Seven

  For a moment, I thought I was genuinely about to have a heart attack. On her page was a photo of her posing with Nutty outside what looked like a nightclub entrance. Above the photo, she had simply placed four emojis - a heart, a pair of kissy lips, a champagne glass, and a bunch of fucking flowers. I didn’t like the way he appeared to be ogling her. I didn’t like it one little bit.

  Heart booming like it was trying to break out of my ribcage, I typed: What do you think you’re playing at? I thought you were with me - not that tarty bitch!

  Before I sent the text, I hesitated. Perhaps I was being too presumptuous. I didn’t want to jeopardize my dream relationship. Was I just acting like a crazy stalker girlfriend? Realising there might be an innocent explanation for it all, I deleted my words, turned out the light and lay there taking deep breaths telling myself to relax - the explanation would come soon enough, and I might have been worrying unnecessarily. Then I popped up like an angry meerkat, reached for my phone, and scowled at the photo. I did the same thing half a dozen times before getting up and brewing myself a cup of herbal tea and forcing down a slice of toast. Surprisingly, I managed to drift off to sleep quite quickly. I woke around five o’clock and looked at my phone again. To my absolute and utter horror, another picture had appeared on her account - a pic of them posing with their faces pressed together. A girl called Tina had taken the pic and put it on her account with the caption ‘Met this beautiful couple tonight,’ and Miss Silky Knickers had retweeted it. Beautiful couple? Had they been acting like a couple then? Or perhaps she just meant couple as in a pair of people.

  I decided to give Nutty one more chance, I sent him a text: Missing you. Worried as I haven’t heard from you. Hope you’re ok. Then I looked at Miss Silky’s page again and realised I’d accidentally followed her, so I quickly unfollowed her before completely losing it and texting Nutty again: I’m sick of this fucking relationship. We’ve only just got together and you’re causing me the worst stress ever. Auf Wiedersehen! Au revoir! Arrivederci! Fuck off! I pressed send, then lay back down feeling great relief and nodded off. I managed a bit of broken sleep until my sodding alarm clock sounded at seven-thirty.

  After the usual coffee guzzling and other rituals, I bounced into the phone room a full ten minutes before the box office opened.

  Suki didn’t have her usual bright morning smile. She looked shocked.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Something terrible happened after we left the party last night.”

  My heart skipped a beat. “What happened?”

  “Dudley’s house was trashed by masked gatecrashers.”

  I wanted to laugh, but I just about managed to keep my face straight. “You’re joking!”

  Suki bowed her head. “I wish I was. It’s awful. They handcuffed him to the bed and drew moustaches and stuff on his treasured framed pics and someone unplumbed his bath and slid down the stairs in it. The whole place is smashed up. They even raided his fridge and took his food. Worse than that - the reviews for The Mad Dentist aren’t good.”

  Finding it impossible to keep my face straight any longer, I burst out laughing and the whole office followed.

  “How did they manage to un-plumb his bath?” I asked.

  “I don’t know!” Suki replied. “Cliff is devastated for his dad.”

  I hesitated. “His dad?”

  “Yeah - Cliff is Dudley’s son”

  “OMG! That explains why Dudley was on his best behaviour last night. So, his name’s Cliff Mountain? Fancy calling your kid that!”

  “I think it’s a very manly name,” Suki said.

  “He must have been bullied at school.”

  “I doubt it,” Suki said. “He probably went to school with other showbiz kids who had cool names too.”

  “Cliff Mountain isn’t a cool name - it’s stupid.”

  “You can’t really say a lot when your man’s called Nutty Bonkers, can you?”

  I leaned towards her and whispered, “It’s over between Nutty and me - I sent him a text.”

  “You sent your dream man and favourite star a text dumping him? That is so whack!”

  “He cheated on me.”

  “Really?”

  “Looks like it,” I said, pulling out my phone. “Take a look for yourself.”

  Suki’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “Wow! He’s bisexual.”

  “W-what?” I stuttered. I snatched my phone back, brain spinning like a Catherine wheel.

  I looked at the photo Suki was referring to - a smiling Nutty stood next to a handsome blonde bloke I’d seen somewhere before. Above it was the caption ‘Had a fab night out last night with the gorgeous Nutty Bonkers and my handsome fiancé Jamie.’

  “Oh my God - so she’s still with her fiancé!” I gasped. “Oh Suki, what have I done?”

  I held back tears as the phones began flashing. I didn’t want anyone else to find out what had happened. I didn’t want them to know I’d been so stupid.

  Reluctantly, I answered several phone calls, all from miserable gits, before Kalisha called me over to her desk.

  “Dudley’s on the line for you,” she said.

  Trembling, I made my way over to the desk and picked up the phone. “Hello,” I whispered nervously.

  “Yazmin?” came Dudley’s voice.

  “Yes.”

  “Hiya Yaz! Message from Nutty - he’s had his phone stolen. Could you give me your number and I’ll pass it to him?”

  I hesitated. Did I really want to give Dudley Mountain my number? What if he started sending me lewd texts in the night? Then I realised I could always change it if the beastly bastard gave me trouble. My mind suddenly went blank and couldn’t remember it, so I turned to Suki. “What’s my number?” I asked.

  “I’m going to have to put you on hold for a second,” said Suki, lying to a customer. “My computer’s frozen.” She picked up her mobile, scrolled down the contacts list and scribbled my number down on a scrap of paper.

  I thanked her and read the number out to Dudley.

  “Aww! Thanks Yazmin!” he said. “Nutty’s really missing you. I’m like a little cupid, I am - introducing him to his dream girl!”

  I wanted to cry, I kept thinking how beautiful Nutty was - his cute dreadlocks, his gorgeous eyes, his sexy smile. I couldn’t believe I’d ended my dream relationship. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Oh,” I added. “Really sorry to hear about your house.”

  “My house?” Dudley replied, sounding puzzled.

  “I heard your house got trashed.”

  “What the fuck? My home in London?”

  “No - the house you held the party in last night - Suki told me it got smashed up.”

  “Suki? Oh - it’ll be one of Cliff’s little jokes. He’s a right character he is. That’s his best one yet!” Dudley laughed heartily.

  “Oh,” I replied.

  “What exactly did he say?”

  “He said people vandalised your photos and stuff, and someone unplumbed your bath and slid down the stairs in it.”

  “Unplumbed the bath?” Dudley laughed. “He’s awesome, my son is. Fantastic stuff!” Still laughing, he hung up without saying goodbye.

  I turned to Suki. “Are you sure you want a date with Cliff?”

  “Yes - he’s gorgeous and, believe it or not, his mum comes from Kyoto in Japan - same as my parents!”

  “Apparently, the trashed house thing was a joke!”

  “Joke?”

  “Yeah - I’ve just spoken to Dudley. The house is fine.”

  “But Cliff sounded genuinely upset.”

  “He’s obviously a better actor than his dad then.”

  Suki couldn’t quite take in the news. “But I’ve been so sad about it. Are you sure …?”

  “Dudley said his house is fine. He was laughing about it. Hasn’t Cliff got a sister?”

  “Yes - she’s our age.”

  “Has she got a stupid name too?”
r />   “I think her name is rather sweet,” Suki said. “It’s mountain related too - take a guess.”

  “Oh God!” I said. “Volcano Mountain?”

  Suki shook her head. “Nope!”

  “Table Mountain?”

  “Guess again.”

  “Mount Fuji?”

  “Wrong!”

  “Mountain Goat?”

  Suki laughed. “Nope!”

  “I give up then.”

  “Edelweiss - it’s a flower that grows in the mountains.”

  “I know what edelweiss is!” I said. “Edelweiss Mountain? Poor kid!”

  “It’s a beautiful name!” Suki protested. “And Edelweiss is such a sweet song - I bet Dudley used to sing it to her as he rocked her to sleep.”

  “Anyway, remember that time we heard him boasting to fans about his money a couple of months ago? Now you can find out if he really owns a Ferrari!”

  “I thought about that myself,” Suki said. “But I don’t know how to ask without sounding like a gold digger.”

  “When you see a car, just mention casually you’ve never seen his dad drive and see what he says. If he says he does drive you can ask what car.”

  “I’ll try.”

  Then Kalisha interrupted us. “There are calls waiting to be answered girls!”

  Reluctantly, I answered the next call and then wished I hadn’t. It was from a stupid woman who’d gathered a group of seven friends to come and see The Mad Dentist for her birthday. This would have been fine had she arranged it several months in advance. The problem was she wanted the tickets for Friday’s performance which had been sold out for a long time. She couldn’t understand why I was unable to conjure up tickets out of thin air for her.

  “Surely you can do something for me - it’s my sixtieth and we’re all huge Dudley Mountain fans.”

  “It’s been sold out for months,” I said. I wasn’t going to apologise - it was her stupid fault.

  “What the hell am I supposed to do now?” she snapped. “I’ve taken the money from my friends.”

  I ended up suggesting she invite her friends for a birthday party to play Dudley music on Friday whilst they all found a date they could make to see the play sometime the following year.

  “So I don’t get to see Dudley on my sixtieth birthday?” she wailed.

  “No,” I said, holding back a giggle. “Not unless you come and stand outside the stage door after the show. You might get an autograph …”

  “I live over a hundred miles away!” she cried, before bursting into tears and slamming the phone down.

  I didn’t want to be here at work, I needed to be sorting things out with Nutty. Between calls from disappointed Dudley fans, snobs, fools and grumpy old buggers, I thought about my situation and decided to tell Nutty a little white lie. I would say some jealous girl borrowed my phone and sent the malicious text and that it happened at a party I went onto after I left Dudley’s place. I was now beginning to see the bright and beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. Just as I was thinking about this, a text came through. Hi Yaz! It’s Nutty here. Wassup? Lost phone - think it was nicked. If you need me, contact me on this number - it’s Jamie’s phone - he’s Miss Silky’s fella. Won’t be back on old number till home - gonna have replacement sim mailed. Missing you sweetheart. Can’t wait to see you again xxx

  I wanted to reply, but I couldn’t be seen to be texting whilst every phone line was constantly flashing. I’d have to wait. I felt a million times happier and answered each call with a smile on my face. I just hoped Nutty would fall for my little white lie.

  At lunchtime, I crossed my fingers and sent the text: Hi! It’s Yazmin here for Nutty. You may find a malicious text which appears to be from me when you get your sim. Ignore - jealous drunken bitch used my phone. Will explain. Just starting lunch. Enjoy the filming. Can’t wait to see you when you get back x Then I sighed with relief. I still had butterflies in my stomach though, and couldn’t manage to eat a full sandwich.

  I briefed Suki on the little white lie and she was happy to back me up.

  “I just hope Nutty falls for it,” I said to her, swallowing down a lump in my throat.