L'homme qui rit. English

  CHAPTER VI.

  BARKILPHEDRO.

  It is useful to know what people do, and a certain surveillance is wise.Josiana had Lord David watched by a little creature of hers, in whom shereposed confidence, and whose name was Barkilphedro.

  Lord David had Josiana discreetly observed by a creature of his, of whomhe was sure, and whose name was Barkilphedro.

  Queen Anne, on her part, kept herself secretly informed of the actionsand conduct of the Duchess Josiana, her bastard sister, and of LordDavid, her future brother-in-law by the left hand, by a creature ofhers, on whom she counted fully, and whose name was Barkilphedro.

  This Barkilphedro had his fingers on that keyboard--Josiana, Lord David,a queen. A man between two women. What modulations possible! Whatamalgamation of souls!

  Barkilphedro had not always held the magnificent position of whisperinginto three ears.

  He was an old servant of the Duke of York. He had tried to be achurchman but had failed. The Duke of York, an English and a Romanprince, compounded of royal Popery and legal Anglicanism, had hisCatholic house and his Protestant house, and might have pushedBarkilphedro in one or the other hierarchy; but he did not judge him tobe Catholic enough to make him almoner, or Protestant enough to make himchaplain. So that between two religions, Barkilphedro found himself withhis soul on the ground.

  Not a bad posture, either, for certain reptile souls.

  Certain ways are impracticable, except by crawling flat on the belly.

  An obscure but fattening servitude had long made up Barkilphedro's wholeexistence. Service is something; but he wanted power besides. He was,perhaps, about to reach it when James II. fell. He had to begin all overagain. Nothing to do under William III., a sullen prince, and exercisingin his mode of reigning a prudery which he believed to be probity.Barkilphedro, when his protector, James II., was dethroned, did notlapse all at once into rags. There is a something which survives deposedprinces, and which feeds and sustains their parasites. The remains ofthe exhaustible sap causes leaves to live on for two or three days onthe branches of the uprooted tree; then, all at once, the leaf yellowsand dries up: and thus it is with the courtier.

  Thanks to that embalming which is called legitimacy, the prince himself,although fallen and cast away, lasts and keeps preserved; it is not sowith the courtier, much more dead than the king. The king, beyond there,is a mummy; the courtier, here, is a phantom. To be the shadow of ashadow is leanness indeed. Hence Barkilphedro became famished. Then hetook up the character of a man of letters.

  But he was thrust back even from the kitchens. Sometimes he knew notwhere to sleep. "Who will give me shelter?" he would ask. He struggledon. All that is interesting in patience in distress he possessed. Hehad, besides, the talent of the termite--knowing how to bore a hole fromthe bottom to the top. By dint of making use of the name of James II.,of old memories, of fables of fidelity, of touching stories, he piercedas far as the Duchess Josiana's heart.

  Josiana took a liking to this man of poverty and wit, an interestingcombination. She presented him to Lord Dirry-Moir, gave him a shelter inthe servants' hall among her domestics, retained him in her household,was kind to him, and sometimes even spoke to him. Barkilphedro feltneither hunger nor cold again. Josiana addressed him in the secondperson; it was the fashion for great ladies to do so to men of letters,who allowed it. The Marquise de Mailly received Roy, whom she had neverseen before, in bed, and said to him, "C'est toi qui as fait l'Anneegalante! Bonjour." Later on, the men of letters returned the custom. Theday came when Fabre d'Eglantine said to the Duchesse de Rohan, "N'est-tupas la Chabot?"

  For Barkilphedro to be "thee'd" and "thou'd" was a success; he wasoverjoyed by it. He had aspired to this contemptuous familiarity. "LadyJosiana thees-and-thous me," he would say to himself. And he would rubhis hands. He profited by this theeing-and-thouing to make further way.He became a sort of constant attendant in Josiana's private rooms; in noway troublesome; unperceived; the duchess would almost have changed hershift before him. All this, however, was precarious. Barkilphedro wasaiming at a position. A duchess was half-way; an underground passagewhich did not lead to the queen was having bored for nothing.

  One day Barkilphedro said to Josiana,--

  "Would your Grace like to make my fortune?".

  "What dost thou want?"

  "An appointment."

  "An appointment? for thee!"

  "Yes, madam."

  "What an idea! _thou_ to ask for an appointment! thou, who art good fornothing."

  "That's just the reason."

  Josiana burst out laughing.

  "Among the offices to which thou art unsuited, which dost thou desire?"

  "That of cork drawer of the bottles of the ocean."

  Josiana's laugh redoubled.

  "What meanest thou? Thou art fooling."

  "No, madam."

  "To amuse myself, I shall answer you seriously," said the duchess. "Whatdost thou wish to be? Repeat it."

  "Uncorker of the bottles of the ocean."

  "Everything is possible at court. Is there an appointment of that kind?"

  "Yes, madam."

  "This is news to me. Go on."

  "There is such an appointment."

  "Swear it on the soul which thou dost not possess."

  "I swear it."

  "I do not believe thee."

  "Thank you, madam."

  "Then thou wishest? Begin again."

  "To uncork the bottles of the ocean."

  "That is a situation which can give little trouble. It is like groominga bronze horse."

  "Very nearly."

  "Nothing to do. Well 'tis a situation to suit thee. Thou art good forthat much."

  "You see I am good for something."

  "Come! thou art talking nonsense. Is there such an appointment?"

  Barkilphedro assumed an attitude of deferential gravity. "Madam, you hadan august father, James II., the king, and you have an illustriousbrother-in-law, George of Denmark, Duke of Cumberland; your father was,and your brother is, Lord High Admiral of England--"

  "Is what thou tellest me fresh news? I know all that as well as thou."

  "But here is what your Grace does not know. In the sea there are threekinds of things: those at the bottom, _lagan_; those which float,_flotsam_; those which the sea throws up on the shore, _jetsam_."

  "And then?"

  "These three things--_lagan_, _flotsam_, and _jetsam_--belong to theLord High Admiral."

  "And then?"

  "Your Grace understands."

  "No."

  "All that is in the sea, all that sinks, all that floats, all that iscast ashore--all belongs to the Admiral of England."

  "Everything! Really? And then?"

  "Except the sturgeon, which belongs to the king."

  "I should have thought," said Josiana, "all that would have belonged toNeptune."

  "Neptune is a fool. He has given up everything. He has allowed theEnglish to take everything."

  "Finish what thou wert saying."

  "'Prizes of the sea' is the name given to such _treasure trove_."

  "Be it so."

  "It is boundless: there is always something floating, something beingcast up. It is the contribution of the sea--the tax which the ocean paysto England."

  "With all my heart. But pray conclude."

  "Your Grace understands that in this way the ocean creates adepartment."

  "Where?"

  "At the Admiralty."

  "What department?"

  "The Sea Prize Department."

  "Well?"

  "The department is subdivided into three offices--Lagan, Flotsam, andJetsam--and in each there is an officer."

  "And then?"

  "A ship at sea writes to give notice on any subject to those onland--that it is sailing in such a latitude; that it has met a seamonster; that it is in sight of shore; that it is in distress; that itis about to founder; that it is lost, etc. The captain takes a bottle,puts into it a bit of pape
r on which he has written the information,corks up the flask, and casts it into the sea. If the bottle goes to thebottom, it is in the department of the lagan officer; if it floats, itis in the department of the flotsam officer; if it be thrown upon shore,it concerns the jetsam officer."

  "And wouldst thou like to be the jetsam officer?"

  "Precisely so."

  "And that is what thou callest uncorking the bottles of the ocean?"

  "Since there is such an appointment."

  "Why dost thou wish for the last-named place in preference to both theothers?"

  "Because it is vacant just now."

  "In what does the appointment consist?"

  "Madam, in 1598 a tarred bottle, picked up by a man, conger-fishing onthe strand of Epidium Promontorium, was brought to Queen Elizabeth; anda parchment drawn out of it gave information to England that Holland hadtaken, without saying anything about it, an unknown country, NovaZembla; that the capture had taken place in June, 1596; that in thatcountry people were eaten by bears; and that the manner of passing thewinter was described on a paper enclosed in a musket-case hanging in thechimney of the wooden house built in the island, and left by theDutchmen, who were all dead: and that the chimney was built of a barrelwith the end knocked out, sunk into the roof."

  "I don't understand much of thy rigmarole."

  "Be it so. Elizabeth understood. A country the more for Holland was acountry the less for England. The bottle which had given the informationwas held to be of importance; and thenceforward an order was issued thatanybody who should find a sealed bottle on the sea-shore should take itto the Lord High Admiral of England, under pain of the gallows. Theadmiral entrusts the opening of such bottles to an officer, who presentsthe contents to the queen, if there be reason for so doing."

  "Are many such bottles brought to the Admiralty?"

  "But few. But it's all the same. The appointment exists. There is forthe office a room and lodgings at the Admiralty."

  "And for that way of doing nothing, how is one paid?"

  "One hundred guineas a year."

  "And thou wouldst trouble me for that much?"

  "It is enough to live upon."

  "Like a beggar."

  "As it becomes one of my sort."

  "One hundred guineas! It's a bagatelle."

  "What keeps you for a minute, keeps us for a year. That's the advantageof the poor."

  "Thou shalt have the place."

  A week afterwards, thanks to Josiana's exertions, thanks to theinfluence of Lord David Dirry-Moir, Barkilphedro--safe thenceforward,drawn out of his precarious existence, lodged, and boarded, with asalary of a hundred guineas--was installed at the Admiralty.