The Longing of Shiina Ryo vol. 2
Part 5
“Come in.”
“Excuse me.” I said, dodging something on the ground that was probably an elaborate trap her cat assembled to keep strangers out.
As soon as I entered Ryo’s apartment the realization dawned on me; before seeing the image with my own eyes it sounded just like a story from a TV show or a book. It was too surreal for me to accept it as a fact at once, even to someone who is used to the unusual such as me. Still, one could easily tell just from seeing the way the place was a complete mess Ryo’s story matched the environment.
Shiina Ryo’s mother left her house.
The reasons are irrelevant to me because whether it was depression or something else the fact her daughter was left behind remains unchanged. I should not judge without having all information on a subject, but it’s pretty obvious to me it was a mistake and so should be to anyone with a drop of common sense.
You don’t walk away on your teenage daughter.
People her… our age are not expected to live by themselves with no support, in good medical condition or not. Even with the exceptionally good amount of money my family deposits every two weeks I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be okay if I didn’t have the support of Reikoku-sensei, Kouma and Ryo. It takes more than financial stability to make a stable person.
From a mathematician’s point of view it might sound unreasonable but there is another factor, something else we need to function other than the strictly necessary physical resources; I’m not sure if it’s human contact or anything like that, but I’m aware of the fact I wouldn’t be able to live a complete life without their support. Then again, maybe I’m wrong and too young to deal with those matters right now. My best friend is living a situation similar in theory yet completely different in intensity.
I am fully aware of the fact I am not, however, old and numb by apathy enough to be able to ignore the painful silence in this house and just live my life as if it wasn’t my problem.
Both out of curiosity and concern I opened her refrigerator to find only half-empty bottles of water, a piece of fruit so old I cannot recognize which kind and cups of cheap instant ramen, which I presumed to have been her primary meal for the time she lived alone. My heart ached just from imagining Ryo working late on the nearby town to pay the bills her irresponsible mother (and that’s not judging but stating a fact) left for her along with the ones that would come every month, and then coming home to eat an unhealthy, poor excuse for a meal and sleep for a few instants before getting up to diligently go to school in order to avoid suspicious looks from people who love to gossip. With her health as it was she certainly could not afford to have such a routine.
At that moment I realized there are many people in the same situation as hers out there and a lot of people living under much worse conditions, yet what pains me the most is to find out there was someone so close to me living like that while I was completely unaware.
Some could see this as a very strong attribute of hers, to try and go this far without anyone’s help: I think that was selfish of her.
But who am I to blame her for not asking for help? I probably wasn’t even around when this started and even if she told this to Kouma Yon, chances are Kouma’s mother would have just reported this to Child Services or something like that because that is what a responsible law-abiding person should do, technically flawless but the results in practice are not the same you’d expect by following the theory, often much darker instead. Not only that: when I had my own problem in the past my first reaction was running away despite the fact Ryo was the first person I saw right after the whole thing happened so I don’t think I can easily be considered reliable and centered. She was probably too scared to even think, without anyone to help her.
In the end, aren’t we all?
“Shin-tsu, could you come here?” She said, in a low voice that could barely be heard reverberating in the apartment. “I think I’ve got everything I nee-”
But her sentence was cut due to shock but the apparently fated silence was avoided by the fall of the box she had been holding onto, and it was definitely my fault. The reason for that reflex was my sudden movement in her direction and the subsequent action, holding her in my arms as what I imagine to a father embracing his children after they got hurt. Perhaps the strength I used was a little bit more than I intended, possibly because she was not the only one with parental issues.
“It’s okay, Ryo. You can let it out now. I'm here.”
I expected and almost wished her to say one of her extremely long speeches full of data or have a retort that was both witty and innocent but her reply was awfully short, almost minimalist.
“…thank you.”
And then she cried in a rather loud, impolite and tangibly honest manner for a while.
Later when Shiina Ryo decided she had cried enough to be able to stand it, Akane’s mother was sensible and drove us around without making many, if any questions. The path travelled by the van seemed not only melancholic but empty as if the only thing in the world who felt like talking was the delivery car’s motor that resonated soundly and accentuated the shades of grey present in every street.
When we were carrying the final boxes to my place I was approached by our hippie driver, who not as much as offered but forced me to accept a certain amount of cash out of her eco-friendly wallet I was pretty sure she could not simply spare. I tried again and again to say we would be fine because I had some extra money, but she made me take it out of kindness and care. Few would be able to go that far to help strangers these days, regardless of their beliefs and views of the world.
It was definitely not a question of trust, because she trusted us enough to give us money she worked hard to make but not enough to believe me when I said we had the financial situation under control. Sure, sometimes it’s hard to ask for help or even accept the kindness of semi-strangers.
Perhaps I am being biased as Kouma said I was once again, but her individual altruistic action made me consider a hypothesis I have long ignored: perhaps there is a chance mankind still has hope. I might be wrong and believing that might be a mistake, but that is a privilege the young are given.
Like this thing I’m doing.
Bringing a female friend to live with me might be a mistake, both of us being pretty broken as human beings, young and not having an adult to look after us in the house. Still, even if it turns out to be an error in the long run, I have to do it now and probably won’t regret a thing.
Not out of gratitude or romantic feelings but out of something I could not yet define and probably never will. There are things better off unnamed and unspoken.
…no, it’s too late for that.
Overlooking things on purpose and at command is an acquired skill used mostly to avoid red herrings and mind control. My version of it has saved my life a few times and probably got into someone else’s path many others. To live through life as if only my life matters and seeing others as either obstacles or peons is not the prettiest way of seeing this world but I’m sure there are worse ways. Not that it justifies every ugly action I might make to achieve what I wish for, but then again I never claimed to be a good or bad guy.
Thus I will help her out of egoism.
Because making her happy makes me happy, because knowing she suffers hurts me, because comforting her when she is sad soothes my heart as well. More than relate to, she understands me and vice-versa. I don’t even regret coming here, despite all the trouble we have been put through so far, because deep down I know I like the way Ryo and the others make me feel in general.
Thus, I will keep acting so their reactions will bounce back hard enough to generate reactions in me too. One way to look at this situation is to believe that’s how human relationships do work and thus I am not being wrong or a bad, just seeing this whole thing the wrong way because of my wicked, broken and rather cynical view of life, byproduct of years of inconstancy.
There is no way for me to see it like everything is so
black-and-white simple; I am just not that optimistic.
Love, in any form, is a flawed concept in my opinion so I say let’s leave it at egoism, and at least for now my word is final; not because I can’t feel any love, but merely because I cannot bring myself to believe in it so easily. Not to say I deny its existence, but I can’t just believe it like you can’t trust a travelling vendor with magical beans smiling his face off. But then again, who’s to tell? Maybe it is an honest fellow...
I'm more than quick to run away but not one to know when to stay, thus I shall learn to balance between those two or get caught in another net. As long as I rely on others to save me things will never be okay, so I’ll let Time test Love and tell me the results before I make any deals I might regret.