Dogs Don't Tell Jokes

  “So, today’s only Wednesday,” said Zack.

  “Sorry,” said Gary. “But thanks for asking.”

  “Whatever,” said Joe.

  He didn’t tell them about having to make up jokes for the talent show. He knew Joe would tell him he was taking it too seriously.

  He continued to try to make up jokes. “I went to the doctor today. I said, ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose doesn’t smell.’

  “He told me to take a shower. He said, ‘Your nose may not smell, but the rest of you sure stinks!’ ”

  He shook his head. “Well, that joke stinks anyway.

  “ ‘How’d you break your nose?’ ‘I walked into a door.’ ‘Didn’t you look where you were going?’ ‘I didn’t think it was necessary. The door’s usually open. Some idiot must have closed it.’ ”

  He thought that was a good idea for a joke, but it just didn’t sound funny when he said it. Joe wouldn’t think it was funny.

  That became the new test. After each joke, Gary tried to decide if Joe would think it was funny.

  “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose has turned into a flower. What should I do?’ ‘Take two aspirin and water it twice a week.’ ”

  No, Joe wouldn’t like it.

  “ ‘Doctor, my mouth has turned into a flower bed. It has tulips.’ ”

  No, Joe …

  “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose has turned into a frog. I don’t know what happened. It used to be a tadpole.’ ”

  He shook his head in disgust. He walked over to his window and clapped his hands. “Here we go,” he said. “Starting all over. The funniest jokes in the world!”

  Outside, three young girls were roller-skating. Gary could hear the wheels clacking against the cracks in the sidewalk. He watched them for a while. Two of the girls were much better skaters than the third. The two good skaters kept getting way ahead, then they would turn around and come back for the other one.

  “C’mon, Sarah!” he heard one of the good skaters shout.

  Sarah fell down. Gary watched her struggle to her feet and go after her friends. He continued to watch until all three girls were out of sight.

  He clapped his hands together again. “Okay. Here we go. The funniest jokes in the world.

  “I ate a chocolate cookie that was so hard I chipped a tooth. I guess it was a chocolate chip cookie.”

  No, Joe …

  “I saw a lady wearing sunglasses in the rain. ‘Why are you wearing sunglasses in the rain?’ ‘I don’t have an umbrella.’ ”

  In his mind he saw Joe standing there, hands on hips, shaking his head.

  “I saw a duck carrying an umbrella. No. No ducks. We already decided that.

  “A man goes into a doctor’s office. ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me!’ ‘What seems to be the problem?’ ‘It’s my green hair.’ ‘Have you tried dyeing it?’ ‘I did. I dyed it green.’ ”

  He thought he saw Joe smile.

  “ ‘Why’d you dye your hair green?’ ‘It’s my favorite color.’ ‘Then what’s the problem?’ ‘I’m going bald.’

  Joe shook his head.

  “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me!’ ‘What seems to be the problem?’ ‘I’ve grown a mustache.’ ‘So? A lot of people have mustaches.’ ‘But I’m only twelve years old.’ ‘Some people mature faster than others.’ ‘But I’m a girl.’ ‘A lot of women have facial hair.’ ‘But I’m also bald.’ ‘So? There are many beautiful women who have mustaches and are bald.’ ‘My head gets cold, and it makes me sneeze, and the snot gets caught in my mustache.’ ”

  Joe made a face.

  Gary sighed. He glanced at the book on his desk.

  “ ‘How many knees do you have?’ ‘Three. My right knee. My left knee. And my kidney.’ ”

  For a moment he thought that one was funny, except he remembered he actually had two kidneys, so he’d have to say he had four knees and that just didn’t seem as funny as three.

  “ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied.… My belly button is out of order.… I can’t open my chest.… I’m losing the leaves in my palm.… Somebody threw my waist in the trash.… My foot is only eleven inches.… I’ve lost the air in.…’ ”

  His thoughts were interrupted by the shrill sound of a vacuum cleaner. He put his hands over his ears and tried his best to ignore it.

  “I was walking down the street today and I saw a man with a duck on his head.

  “No. No ducks!

  “But it wasn’t a duck! The man was really a creature from outer space! See, they all look like they have ducks on their heads. In fact, you want to know what they call a man from outer space who doesn’t have a duck on his head? Bald.”

  The noise from the vacuum got louder. Gary slammed open his bedroom door, then glared at his father vacuuming the hall. “Can you do that later?” he shouted over the noise. “I can’t concentrate!”

  “I’ll be done in a minute,” said his father.

  Gary stepped back into his room and shut the door. “How am I supposed to make up jokes with that thing going all the time?” He looked at the posters on his wall. “Robin Williams doesn’t have to listen to a vacuum cleaner when he’s trying to make up jokes.

  “Maybe I should have played football.”

  The noise from the vacuum cleaner quieted down as Gary’s father moved from the hallway into the master bedroom, but Gary could still hear it. “Okay, where was I? Ducks. No. No ducks!

  “Have you ever tried to brush your teeth with peanut butter?”

  If he tried real hard, he could still hear the vacuum cleaner.

  He didn’t make up any jokes the next day. He had to prepare his book report, and after that he just didn’t feel like it.

  None of his jokes seemed funny anymore. He tried to remember some of the best jokes he’d made up over the last two weeks, and there wasn’t one that was really funny. There were none that would make Joe laugh.

  “No wonder everyone thinks I’m a goon,” he said.

  Friday morning he presented his report on the book about the pirate and the beautiful maiden. It wasn’t that hard. He simply finished reading the book, then told what happened in it.

  “Very good, Gary!” Mrs. Carlisle said when he was finished. “I must say, I was pleasantly surprised.”

  Gary was surprised too. In the old days he would have tried to think of a funny way to tell about the book, maybe even dress up like a pirate—or more like it, dress up like the beautiful maiden with a wig and a dress.

  And why? Mrs. Carlisle wouldn’t have appreciated it. The kids in the class would have made fun of him. But he would have done it anyway. Why? “Because I’m a goon.”

  He walked out of class shaking his head. “The funniest person in the world?” he asked out loud. “I’m probably the least funniest person in the world!”

  “You’ve got the funniest butt in the world,” said Ryan Utt, who happened to pass by at that moment.

  At lunch Joe Reed was hanging out with some eighth-graders, including Philip Korbin, the eighth-grade president who had forced Gary to eat the dirt-covered ice cream bar.

  Gary walked right up to them. “Hi, Joe,” he said.

  Joe turned and looked at him, then smiled. “What it is, Goon,” he said.

  “Uh …” said Gary. He wasn’t sure what to say, or if he was supposed to say anything. If Joe had asked, “What is it?” then that definitely would have been a question. But “What it is”—Gary didn’t know if Joe was asking him a question or not.

  “Hey, Goon! Want some ice cream?” asked one of the eighth-graders. Then they all laughed.

  Gary shrugged. He was used to kids making fun of him but wished they wouldn’t do it in front of Joe.

  Joe didn’t seem to notice. “Ice cream sounds pretty good,” Joe said. “I think I’ll get some.”

  “I’ll get it for you,” Gary offered.

  “Oh, that’s o—” Joe started to say.

  “What ki
nd do you want?” Gary asked.

  “Uh … ice cream sandwich,” said Joe. “Thanks, Goon.” He looked at the other boys and smiled.

  “What is he, your dog?” asked Philip.

  Gary headed to the vending machines. “Go fetch, Goon!” Philip called after him, but he pretended not to hear.

  As he walked to the vending machine it suddenly hit him that he didn’t have any money. He kept going anyway—he didn’t know what else to do. He stepped up to the machine and reached into his pocket, but the pocket was empty, like he knew it would be. He tried the coin return. No luck. He pushed the button on the machine, hoping just this once it would work without money.

  He stayed away from Joe the rest of the lunch period, and tried his best to avoid him as much as possible during gym.

  Joe, for his part, didn’t say anything about it.

  Friday night was supposed to be his last night to make up jokes. Then he would have a week to put it all together and rehearse before the talent show. He lay on his bed and stared at the ceiling.

  “Maybe I should just quit the stupid talent show. Maybe I should collect baseball cards.”

  There was a knock on his door. Then his mother hesitantly entered his room.

  He glared at her.

  “I know I’m not supposed to disturb you,” she said, “but your father and I were thinking about going to a movie, and we thought maybe you’d like to come.”

  He sighed. “I have to work on my act,” he said. “The talent show is less than a week away!”

  “We thought you might like to take a break for one night.”

  “Fine! Okay, I’ll take a break! Is that what you want? I’ll quit the talent show! Are you happy now?”

  “You don’t have to snap at me. We thought you might like to go to a movie, that’s all. If you don’t want to—”

  “Fine! I said I’d go. If that’s what you want. Let’s go to a movie!”

  “I just—”

  “I said I’d go. What are you waiting for? Let’s just go!”

  They ended up not going.

  16.

  Melissa Turbone was wearing a small round hat with straight sides and no brim. It was made out of fake leopard skin.

  “It’s my brand-new leopard-skin pill-box hat!” she said, then laughed.

  Gary didn’t get it.

  It turned out that there was an old song called “Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat.” Melissa did a little dance as she sang it for him, using her croquet mallet as a microphone.

  “Well, I see you got your

  brand-new leopard-skin pill-box hat!

  Yes, I see you got your

  brand-new leopard-skin pill-box hat!

  Well, you must tell me, baby,

  how your head feels under somethin’ like

  that.

  Under your brand-new leopard-skin pill-box

  hat!”

  Abel stared at her. “Is that the whole song?” he asked.

  Melissa shrugged. “One verse anyway.”

  “Not much to it, is there?” asked Gary.

  “I thought it was great!” said Angeline.

  “It was written by Bob Dylan,” said Melissa, “one of the greatest songwriters to ever live.”

  Gary and Abel looked at each other. They didn’t see what was so great about it. But they had liked watching Mr. Bone dance. She hadn’t danced like that when she was Gary’s fifth-grade teacher.

  Gary was wearing a hat too, a black fedora with a green band.

  “So, are you all prepared for the talent show?” asked Melissa.

  She suddenly became his fifth-grade teacher again, asking if he’d done his homework.

  “It’s getting there,” he said, trying to sound confident. He couldn’t tell her he was thinking of quitting. When she was his teacher, she was always getting down on him for not finishing what he started.

  “Look, are we going to sing and dance, or are we going to play croquet?” complained Gus. For once, Gus was winning.

  It was Gary’s turn. He stepped up and smacked the ball cleanly through the wicket.

  Except he hit the wrong ball.

  “That was my ball,” said Abel. “I’m orange.”

  “Huh?”

  “You’re green,” said Abel. “You hit the orange ball.”

  Melissa took off Abel’s and Gary’s hats, and she put Gary’s hat on Abel’s head and Abel’s hat on Gary’s head. “There, all fixed,” she said.

  Angeline laughed. “You’re pretty funny when you’re not being a teacher,” she said.

  “Thank you. I guess,” said Melissa. “What’s the matter, Gary?” she asked. “You seem a little lost.”

  “I guess you got your mind on the talent show,” said Abel. “Less than a week away.”

  Gary shrugged.

  “You want to know how I keep from getting nervous?” Angeline said.

  “How?” asked Gary, although he couldn’t imagine Angeline ever being nervous about anything.

  “The contest is Friday, right?” said Angeline. “On Saturday it will all be over—forever. So don’t think about Friday. Think about Saturday.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” said Gus. “That’s real good advice, Angelini. But now, Gary. Do you want to know the surefire way to keep from getting nervous on stage?”

  “What?” asked Gary.

  “Okay. When you get up on stage and look out over the audience, just imagine everyone naked.”

  “Gus!” exclaimed Melissa as Gary and Angeline laughed.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Gus. “It’s an old trick used by lots of public speakers.”

  “Well, for one thing,” said Melissa, “I’m going to be in the audience.”

  Gary turned bright red. “You’re going to be in the audience?” he asked, without looking at her.

  “We all will,” Abel said. “We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “We’ll be your sycophants,” said Melissa.

  “My what?”

  “We’ll laugh at every one of your jokes,” she explained.

  “What if they’re not funny?” asked Gary.

  “We’ll laugh anyway,” said Melissa. “Comedians always have friends in the audience to laugh at their jokes. In fact, some comedians actually pay people money to sit in the audience and laugh.”

  “Isn’t that cheating?” Angeline asked.

  “No,” said Abel. “Sometimes people feel weird about laughing. They have to wait until they hear somebody else laugh, before they think it’s okay to laugh. So you get a few people in the audience to laugh every time you tell a joke, and then pretty soon the whole audience is laughing.”

  Gus burst out laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” asked Angeline.

  “Nothing. Just practicing.”

  They all practiced their laughs, from mild titters to loud roars. They hooted and howled, wiped their eyes and slapped their knees. Angeline joined in too, even though she wouldn’t get to be a part of it.

  “I just have one question,” said Gus.

  “What?” asked Abel.

  “How do we know when Gary’s told a joke?”

  Gary looked up at the sky.

  Melissa punched Gus’s arm.

  “Dog ears!” exclaimed Angeline. “I wish I could be there!”

  “I’m sorry, Angelini,” said her father. “But the only other flight is in the morning. You’d miss a day of school. And they’d have to make a special trip to take you to the airport.”

  “Gary’s comedy debut is a lot more important than a day of school!”

  “Your government sponsors don’t quite see it that way,” Abel said. “And they’re the ones paying for your education. And airfare.”

  “Dog ears!” griped Angeline.

  “I’ll be coming right from the talent show to the airport,” said her father. “I’ll be able to tell you all about it.”

  Angeline scowled. Then her eyes lit up. “I know,” she said. “You and Mr. Bone can get married! They’d
have to let me come home for my father’s wedding.”

  Both Abel and Melissa turned red. Each muttered something incomprehensible.

  “That’s a great idea!” said Gus, slapping Abel on the back.

  “Uh, dub, urn,” said Abel. He cleared his throat.

  “I have a more practical idea,” said Melissa. “I can borrow my school’s video camera. I’ll videotape Gary’s act for you, Angeline.”

  “But if you’re laughing at Gary’s jokes, you won’t be able to operate the video camera,” said Angeline.

  “I’ll bring one of my students to operate it. They’re better at it than me anyway.” She turned to Gary. “You don’t mind being videotaped, do you?”

  Gary shrugged. “Sure, no problem,” he said.

  He could see it now: Goon—The Video!

  17.

  He quit the talent show.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Miss Langley.

  He nodded, then watched her cross his name off the list.

  It was just as well, he thought as he walked across the schoolyard. Now he’d be able to play football after school, or do his homework, instead of wasting so much time making up jokes that weren’t funny. And the best part was that he’d still get a hundred dollars from his parents for not telling a joke!

  “Hey, Ira!” he called. “Michael! Steve!”

  Michael and Steve were together, so it didn’t matter that Gary didn’t know who was Michael and who was Steve. They both said “Hi, Goon” back to him.

  “I’m going to start collecting baseball cards,” Gary told them.

  All three seemed genuinely gladdened by the news. They told Gary which brand to get, how much they cost, and which store seemed to have the best cards.

  “But I guess it doesn’t matter with Goon,” said Steve (or Michael), “since he doesn’t have any yet.”

  For some reason they all thought that was hilarious.

  “Can’t get any doubles, can he?” asked Ira.

  They laughed again.

  Gary laughed with them.

  The place that Ira said had the best baseball cards happened to be next door to Gary’s favorite thrift store. He went into the thrift store first, for old times’ sake.