Jake Understood

  “Yeah. The family all gets together for dinner Christmas Eve, and then we sit by the fireplace and exchange presents. We watch my nieces get spoiled with gifts that I usually end up assembling and putting batteries into.”

  Of course, I had to omit the part about spending the early part of that evening with Ivy.

  “I wanted to get you something but didn’t have the chance,” Nina said. “I may have to mail you something. What would you want?”

  I want you.

  I want you not to leave me when you find out.

  That was all I wanted. That and to finally be able to show her with my body exactly how I felt about her without having to hold back.

  “You don’t have to get me anything.”

  “Are you kidding? After everything you’ve done for me? I’m definitely getting you something. And if you don’t tell me what you want, I’m gonna have to guess, and that could be dangerous. You could end up getting something you hate.”

  “I’m sure I’d love anything you picked out for me.”

  “Private ice skating lessons, then?”

  “Hmm. Ice dancing maybe…with a sequin shirt and spandex. Now, we’re talking.”

  “Be careful what you wish for, Green.”

  She flashed me the type of smile that was always painful to look at, the sweetest kind that lit up not only her face but her eyes. I looked down at my watch to distract from it and saw there wasn’t much time left on this flight. I never wanted it to end, not only the plane ride but the feeling of peace that I was experiencing. Being with her among the clouds like this without the problems that faced me on the ground was something I may never have again. If we kept flying endlessly, that would have been fine by me.

  When Nina closed her eyes, my body remained turned toward her. With each passing minute, fear reared more of its ugly face.

  My mind drifted into a sea of worry, and it was exactly what I advised Nina against: letting fear of the future overtake the present moment as I imagined the different possible scenarios that could result from my impending confession.

  Please understand, Nina.

  My thoughts about what might happen after Christmas had consumed me so much that I hadn’t even realized I was caressing her hand with my thumb. My body had apparently taken advantage while my brain wasn’t paying enough attention to warn against it. It was doing what felt natural. That was my first prolonged physical gesture toward her. We’d held hands several times, innocently spooned and joked around about sexual things. Hell, I’d even told her I wanted to make her come. But aside from briefly grabbing her waist that one drunken night in my room, I’d never actually touched her for any great length of time in a really sensual way. While rubbing my thumb against her hand might have seemed like an innocent thing, as soon as she started matching my circular motion with her own thumb, it turned into something altogether different. My strokes became firmer to let her know that I approved of the reciprocation. Just from the way my body was responding, and the way she always reacted to even brief contact from me, I knew that sex with Nina would rock my world. At the moment, I was certain I’d do practically anything to experience being inside of her just once.

  I continued to watch her breathing as her eyes remained closed.

  We could be so good together. In every way.

  I prayed for the chance as her soft tiny thumb circled my big calloused one. She caught me off guard when she suddenly opened her eyes, turning to me and seemed surprised to find me staring at her. My eyes hadn’t left her since she’d closed hers. I was caught in the act.

  The plane was losing altitude in preparation of the landing, and I became overcome with emotion. The slow descent represented the beginning of a new phase of our relationship, one that would be based on harsh reality, not fantasy.

  I had to prepare myself for the likely possibility that I’d lose her and decided that if that were the case, moving out of the apartment would be the only option. To live with her and have to watch her from afar moving on with her life…dating…would be torture. The other side of the coin, if she accepted my life as it was, would bring me everything I’d ever wanted, things I never thought would be possible. What bothered me the most was that I truly had no idea which way it was going to play out.

  I finally let go of her hand just long enough to push some of her hair behind her ear. “You better put on your seatbelt. The light just came on.”

  Trepidation returned to her eyes as she thought about the impending landing. She leaned her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. I closed mine, too. She’d done it to calm herself down, but I’d done it to cherish the last moments of our flight. Inhaling every sweet breath that escaped her as she exhaled, I attempted to burn the scent into memory, trying to imagine what she tasted like.

  After a rough, bouncy landing, the aircraft skidded to a halt. Our hands stayed connected as we exited the plane. We continued to hold hands as we navigated through the crowd at JFK and kept our fingers intertwined during the ride home. It started to snow outside while Christmas music played on the cab radio.

  “I wish I didn’t have to leave tomorrow,” she said, her voice almost pained. “I’m so much happier here than there.”

  I’m happier when you’re here, too.

  I tightened my grip on her hand as Josh Groban’s rendition of O, Holy Night came on. It made me sad that she was dreading Christmas. It was the main reason I was waiting to talk to her about Ivy since I knew the holidays would be hard enough on her. “I really wish you didn’t have to go, either.”

  When the cab dropped us off in front of the apartment, I made no effort to go inside and neither did she. Nina sat on the stoop in front of our building and looked up at the sky while the snow fell on us, forming a powdery layer of white over her hair. Even though it was snowing, the temperature was mild.

  She held her hands up to catch the snowflakes. “This is beautiful.”

  You are.

  “It is,” I said.

  “What time is it?” she asked.

  “It’s nearly 2 a.m.”

  She bit her bottom lip. “We should probably go in.”

  “Do you want to go inside?”

  “Not really.”

  “Let’s not, then.” Determined not to let this day end, I stood up and gave her my hand. “Come on.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “To buy a few things.”

  We walked the couple of blocks to the all-night grocery store. As we entered the bright lighting of the market, she looked at me inquisitively. “What are we getting?”

  “Since we won’t be together for Christmas on Sunday, we should have a little party tonight.”

  Nina was grinning from ear to ear. “I think that’s a great idea.”

  I picked up a carton of eggnog, a small bunch of overly ripe bananas and some holiday sugar cookies. Clutching the paper bag with one hand, I held her hand with the other as we walked back to our apartment.

  “Let’s stay out in the snow,” I said. “I’m just gonna run inside. I’ll be right back.”

  Ryan and Tarah were watching a movie in the living room when I entered the apartment. It surprised me to see them up so late.

  “Hey, Jake,” Tarah said.

  “Hey.”

  “Where’s Nina?”

  “She’s outside.”

  Ryan gave me one of his looks but kept quiet as I did my best to ignore him. Grabbing the blender and plugging it in, I dropped some ice, banana and eggnog inside then went over to the liquor cabinet for some rum. I turned on the blender to mix it all together and poured the drink into two large mugs.

  When I rejoined Nina out front, a huge smile formed on her face as I handed her one. She took a sip. “Mmm…this is so good. What is it?”

  “Iced banana rum eggnog. You like it?”

  “I love it.”

  “Cheers,” I said as we clanked our drinks together.

  “Cheers.”

  I nudged her with my shoulder. “Thi
s is my kind of Christmas.”

  “Mine, too.”

  We munched on the Christmas cookies and drank our spiked nog while the snow continued to fall. We looked up in unison at the sound of a squeaky window opening and knew what would come next.

  Mrs. Ballsworthy didn’t say anything as she looked down at us. I took a chance when I held up my mug and shouted, “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Ballsworthy!”

  We braced ourselves.

  Nothing.

  Nina and I looked at each other before giving up on a response.

  Several seconds later, we heard it.

  “Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!”

  We fell back in laughter onto the snow-covered stairs.

  “Now, that’s a Christmas miracle.” Nina laughed.

  Lifting my mug up toward the sky, I chanted, “Merry Christmas to all motherfuckers and to all a motherfucking good night!”

  ***

  It was practically morning by the time we finally went inside. Nina retreated to the shower, and as always, I snuck into her room. I opted not to leave her a bat that night because I’d been holding onto a pair of plastic gold pilot’s wings to congratulate her on making it through her first airplane ride. I left the wings on her nightstand and went back to my room but couldn’t sleep.

  I’d have to leave for work in the morning and wouldn’t see her again before she left since she and Ryan would be hitting the road to beat weekend traffic sometime in the afternoon. It was a Friday, and per usual, I’d be heading to Boston after work.

  Before I left the following morning, I snuck a paper bat into her room. It had a hole punched into the top with some fishing line tied into a loop running through it. It was supposed to be a Christmas ornament.

  What I almost wrote:

  I can’t thank you enough for yesterday.

  Not just for letting me take you away,

  But for seeing it through to the end.

  And for being a true friend.

  What I wished I could have written:

  My Christmas wish this year,

  Is to overcome MY fear.

  Bet you never knew…

  My one fear is losing you.

  What I never could have written:

  I’d just about die to fuck you in the sky.

  So, if you ever want to try mile-high,

  Thirty minutes would be more than enough,

  To make you come, slow and rough.

  What I actually wrote:

  Hang this on your tree.

  And think of me.

  CHAPTER 15

  Present

  My sister reached over to pour more wine. “I’ll never forget that Christmas.”

  “What exactly was so memorable for you?” I asked. “Because I’ll tell you what I remember. I remember completely losing my shit.”

  “You came home a changed person. I could see in your eyes that you had something major on your mind. It was written all over your face. I suspected it had something to do with the same girl you mentioned to me before, but you wouldn’t talk to me.”

  Cedric nodded his head, seeming way too amused. “So, she sent me to do some digging. Remember? I was the one that finally got it out of you. You were lovesick.”

  Allison slapped her knee. “Lovesick! That’s a good way to describe it. My tough, tattooed, hard as nails brother had turned into a lovesick puppy.”

  Looking utterly entertained, Skylar curled into Mitch and glanced over at me. “So, you couldn’t hide it anymore, huh?”

  “Being away from her for those two weeks felt like an unbearable eternity. It’s funny how being physically apart from someone can intensify the physical need for them. Those days were pivotal because not only did they confirm that I needed to come clean to her the second she came back, but they also made me more determined than ever to find a way to be with her. Losing her wasn’t an option anymore because it felt like I needed her to breathe. I convinced myself that I’d find a way to make it work. Toward the end of the vacation, I basically decided to stop hiding the fact that I wanted her¸ too. I let her clearly know it.”

  “In what way?” Mitch asked.

  “Things started getting sexual between us while we were apart. Maybe it was because of the safety barrier of separation or distance, but I just stopped holding back in that area.”

  “TMI,” Allison shouted.

  “Not at all,” Skylar said as she crossed her legs and leaned in. “Do tell.”

  CHAPTER 16

  Past

  I spit out a piece of stale fruit cake into a red and green Christmas napkin and discreetly dumped it in the garbage, opting for a cookie instead. The buffet choices were limited at the annual Christmas Eve party held at the group home. I’d brought a tray of pigs in a blanket appetizers that people scarfed down within the first ten minutes.

  About a dozen family members, residents and social workers packed into the small dining area. It was about four in the afternoon, and most were getting ready to leave.

  Sipping hot apple cider, Ivy was in a quiet mood as we sat in the corner.

  “Are you going to your sister’s house for Christmas stuff tonight?” she asked.

  “After I leave here, yes, but I’ll stay with you as late as you want.”

  “Okay,” she said, anxiously looking up at the clock.

  “I won’t leave till you tell me to, Ivy. Alright?”

  She didn’t respond. During most visits, she typically kicked me out way before I usually planned to leave anyway.

  Half of the residents had gone home to their respective families for the holiday weekend. While Allison and Cedric told me that Ivy was welcome at the house, bringing her there was something I’d avoided. The one year she came home with me for Christmas Eve, she had an episode that scared the living daylights out of my nieces. It wasn’t worth taking the risk again, especially since Ivy wasn’t comfortable there anyway, so there was no point in pushing it.

  “Can I give you your present now?” I asked, taking an envelope out of the inner pocket of my jacket.

  She shook her head. “I’m not in the mood.”

  Shopping for Ivy was tough because she never liked what I bought for her. Anything of sentimental value, like jewelry, seemed to make her sad or angry. She hated any of the clothing I picked out. The one thing I knew she’d appreciate and actually use (aside from cigarettes, which I refused to buy her) was a Dunkin Donuts gift card. Ivy took daily walks there, and I made sure she had enough credit on the card to last her a year. Their coffee was her favorite, heavy on the cream and sugar, and I usually picked her up a hot one before each of my visits.

  A few of the residents played instruments, so as was tradition at this yearly shindig, the slightly off-key Christmas music started to ring out in the opposite corner of the room. Joe, a middle-aged man, belted out the harmonica while Charleen, a girl in her twenties, played the electric keyboard. Junior, a guy in his thirties, who was somewhat hearing-impaired, played the guitar.

  Ivy’s eyes focused on Junior’s hands as he worked the strings. Although she was once a talented guitarist, she refused to play anymore, and that made me extremely sad for her. Her Gibson always sat unused in the corner of her bedroom as if it were a phantom from a previous life. Anytime I suggested that she try playing, Ivy would become irate.

  She continued to quietly watch her housemates perform. Listening to the slow melody, I’d almost nodded off before my eyes wandered downward. Ivy’s fingers were starting to move to the rhythm of the music as she stayed transfixed on Junior’s guitar. She was playing in the air and positioning her fingers exactly where they would go if she were actually performing along with them. It was the first time she’d ever done anything like that.

  A smile spread across my face, and a warmness filled my heart on this otherwise cold and depressing night. It gave me a little bit of hope for her at a time when almost all of it had been depleted. When my eyes started to sting, I got up to throw away my plate as a distraction.

&nbs
p; Ivy’s social worker, Gina, came up behind me. “Merry Christmas, Jake.”

  “Same to you, Gina.”

  Gina was older and had been a licensed social worker for many years. Her black hair was pulled back tightly into a bun, and she was wearing a fugly Christmas sweater with pom poms and tiny bells hanging off of it.

  She straightened her glasses. “Miss Ivy girl seems okay tonight.”

  I looked over at Ivy who was still strumming her fingers in the air. “Yeah. We’ve had worse Christmases. That’s for sure.”

  A knot formed in my stomach. There had been something I’d wanted to discuss with Gina for a long time, but I wasn’t going to bring it up tonight. She must have sensed it by the look on my face when she asked, “Do you have something on your mind?”

  I hesitated then said, “There is something weighing on me, actually.” I looked around and lowered my voice. “Do you…have a second to talk?”

  Gina nodded and followed me into the empty adjacent kitchen.

  I didn’t quite know where to start. Gina was a kind person and very intuitive, so once I started spilling, she practically spoke for me.

  “You know my intention is never to leave Ivy, right? I’ll never abandon her.”

  Knowingly, she gave me a sympathetic smile. “You’ve met someone.”

  I swallowed, surprised that she knew exactly where this was going. “Yes.”

  “That was bound to happen, Jake. I understand.”

  “I never intended it to happen, though. I never wanted this complication, never wanted to hurt Ivy. I’ve done everything in my power to prevent it over the years, but—”

  “It happens, Jake. You don’t have to explain it. Does this woman know about your situation?”

  A deep breath escaped me. “That’s the thing. I’m planning to tell her about Ivy after the New Year, and I don’t know how she’s going to take it. So, this could be a non-issue if she decides she can’t handle it at all. But if she accepts it…”