Jake Understood

  At the register, the attendant smiled at me when she rang up the pink box along with the smiling baby magazine. (I couldn’t resist.)

  It was completely dark out by the time I ventured back outside. A harsh wind-driven chill in the air prompted me to adjust my scarf over my face. I remembered they were talking about a pretty bad storm that we’d be getting tonight. It made me relieved to know that A.J. was already where he needed to be.

  Back at the apartment, I rubbed my hands together, but the friction did little to warm me up. Despite the coziness of our home, the intensity of the cold outside lingered long after I stepped inside. Without A.J. here, it was also eerily quiet.

  I’d decided to head to the kitchen to make some tea. The steam from the piping hot water relaxed me as I steeped the tea bag and debated whether to take the test before or after Jake came home. I hated putting him through the excitement of waiting in vain. The only thing worse than how a negative test made me feel was always the disappointment in his eyes that he tried unsuccessfully to hide. It would be better if I did it alone and kept the negative result to myself.

  Guilt often consumed me. Jake had wanted another baby for years, and I wouldn’t agree to it. By the time I came around, my body had apparently decided not to cooperate. If I’d given in and allowed myself to get pregnant six years ago, we might have had no problem. Sometimes, it felt like I was being punished for my own selfishness.

  Jake was such an amazing father. He deserved to have another child—or two or three. Despite working long hours at his engineering job north of the city, he gave A.J. his full attention from the second he came home until bedtime and even cooked dinner for us much of the time.

  We had a great life six out of the seven days of the week.

  Except Saturdays.

  Saturdays were the black holes of my life because those were the days he’d visit Ivy. He’d leave in the morning, and I’d count the hours until he returned. Sometimes, that would be late afternoon and often times, evening.

  I usually cleaned the house or made plans with A.J. to pass the time on those days. We’d always told our son that “daddy goes to help a sick friend.” We left it at that.

  I had a habit of internalizing my feelings about Jake’s relationship with Ivy because it wasn’t fair to add more stress to a situation that couldn’t be helped. From the moment I learned the truth all those years ago, it was clear that Ivy was like family to Jake. As unfair as it seemed, he’d inherited the responsibility of looking after her. I really did understand his dilemma. But that didn’t mean I had to like it or that I wasn’t going to get jealous.

  I knew with absolute certainty that if I made him choose between us, he’d choose me. He’d even admitted that. But making such a demand wouldn’t really remove the situation. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had to watch him suffer the guilt of abandoning her. He’d beat himself up over it. You just don’t put someone you love in a position like that. The situation with Ivy existed before I ever came into the picture, and it was essentially a part of him. I loved him and had to accept all parts of him—good, bad and ugly.

  Most of the time, I was confident enough in his love for me to not let the existence of Ivy get to me. But occasionally, when in a certain mood, I would become angry and resentful that we couldn’t just be a normal family without having to live in the shadow of an ex-wife with mental issues.

  I never wanted to meet her.

  I was terrified she’d be prettier than me or that I’d find out she really wasn’t that incapacitated. Most of the time, I was able to compartmentalize all of that insecurity.

  Most of the time.

  Tonight was not one of those times. My whacky hormones were making me particularly insecure and out of sorts. After dumping the remainder of my tea into the sink, I grabbed the paper CVS bag and took it to the bathroom located off of our bedroom.

  It wasn’t necessary to read the directions because I’d done this far too many times to count. I took the first test out and peed on it before repositioning the clear cover over the stick as directed.

  Five minutes.

  The snow was blowing around outside in horizontal bands. Cars that were uncovered on my way inside were now coated in white. Jake was supposed to be home in an hour. I hoped he didn’t get stuck on the highway in storm traffic.

  Returning to the living room, I covered myself with a knitted throw and tried to focus on the parenting magazine while the early evening weather forecast played in the background.

  The phone rang, and Jake’s name flashed on the caller i.d.

  I picked up. “Please tell me you’re not stuck in traffic.”

  “Hey, baby. I’m off of the highway now, but listen…I have to go to Ivy’s tonight.”

  That news rattled me. “What?”

  “I got a call from the group home, and she had some kind of an episode. I told them I’d go check on things tonight. But this means I won’t have to go tomorrow, okay? We’ll have tomorrow free. A.J. will still be at my mother’s. The weather will be better, and we can go out.”

  I sulked. I was really missing him today. “Alright, I guess.”

  “Are you okay? I know this sucks ass.”

  “What time will you be home tonight?”

  “As soon as I can. I promise.”

  “Okay.”

  “Nina. Be ready for me tonight. I’m horny as hell.”

  “You’re always horny.”

  “Seriously…you know what I’ve been thinking about all day? I’ve had this fantasy running through my head. I almost got hard in the middle of a fucking meeting today.”

  “Tell me about your fantasy.”

  “I want to move the couch cushions onto the ground and put them right in front of the electric fireplace. I want you naked and down on all fours in front of the fire with your ass sticking up in the air. Then, I want to fuck you from behind like that with the heat blazing on us while it snows outside. What do you think?”

  “I think I want you to come home right now. Just get here as soon as you can after Ivy’s.”

  “I love you, baby. Thank you for understanding.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I kept the phone at my ear even though he’d hung up. I was disappointed for sure, but I understood. At least, we’d have a rare Saturday together tomorrow.

  The five minutes had long expired, but I was dilly-dallying, pretending to read an article on home schooling. Now that Jake wasn’t coming home anytime soon, the thought of being alone, wallowing in the results of another disappointing test seemed dreadful.

  After several minutes, I threw the magazine aside, forced myself up and walked into my dark bedroom.

  The door to the bathroom creaked as I slowly turned the knob. I took a deep breath and shut my eyelids tightly before looking at the test.

  I opened my eyes to two pink lines.

  ***

  Holding the three positive sticks in my hand, I paced the bedroom unsure of what to do with myself. I’d taken the other tests in the kit just to be sure. I was most definitely pregnant.

  Bursting with excitement, I jumped up and down and waved my hands in the air, feeling like a fool. It seemed surreal after all this time. I had seriously given up all hope. Jake and I were very sexually active, so to not get knocked up even once in over seven years made me certain there was a real problem.

  I’d heard of this type of thing happening, though. Just when people were ready to start fertility treatments or adopt, they’d miraculously get pregnant.

  I had to think of a creative way to tell him. He was going to be ecstatic! My heart felt like it was going to explode just thinking about his reaction.

  I decided to place the tests inside an elongated metallic gold jewelry box. After removing the diamond tennis bracelet that Jake had bought me for our one year anniversary, I tucked it away in a drawer and replaced it with the three sticks. I’d pretend it was a present that I’d bought him for supporting me through nursing school. He?
??d think it was a watch and freak out when he saw what was really inside.

  This was going to be so freaking awesome.

  I needed to make this a special evening when he came home. I placed the box in my purse and wasted no time venturing into the kitchen. Searching the cupboards, I made sure we had all the ingredients for Bananas Foster.

  Bananas, butter, brown sugar, rum…

  If ever a night to celebrate with Jake’s favorite dessert, tonight was it.

  Just as I placed two sticks of butter in the pot, my phone started to ring. It was him.

  “Jake?”

  “Hey, baby. Listen—”

  “Please tell me you’re calling to say you’re on your way home.”

  “I’m at the hospital. When I got to the group home, she’d already been admitted.”

  “Is she alright?”

  “Yeah. They found her trying to climb the roof again. What a fucking nightmare. They’re going to release her tomorrow.”

  “Okay…so what does this mean?”

  “It was going to mean I’d be running later than I thought. But I just heard they closed the road to all non-emergency vehicles due to black ice. I was looking out the window earlier, and cars were spinning out into each other. It was apocalyptic.”

  “So, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I might have to spend the night here unless they open the road. I swear, I feel like I have the worst fucking luck sometimes.”

  He wasn’t coming home.

  I was silent, but a tear fell down my cheek. I didn’t want him to be able to tell that I was crying.

  Deep down, I knew this wasn’t his fault, but I couldn’t seem to control my reaction.

  “Nina? Are you alright?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Just be careful,” I said.

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I pressed the red end call button and slid the phone across the counter. I didn’t even know where my anger was directed. I just knew I couldn’t seem to calm down over this. To make matters worse, the butter I’d been heating for the dessert had completely burned.

  “Shit!”

  I shut off the flames and angrily threw the hot pot into the sink, splattering the butter everywhere.

  The sound of my inner ear ringing amidst the deafening quiet was torturous.

  I forced myself to go straight to bed and began to obsess about everything. My fears got the best of me as concern about my emotional state grew. The “what if” monster started to take control of my thoughts.

  What if I’m a basket case for the next nine months?

  What if I get postpartum depression again?

  What if Jake can’t handle my issues this time, and it ruins us?

  What if Jake is still attracted to Ivy? (That was an oldie but goodie that always seemed to creep in at my worst.)

  Then, the “what if” questions turned to “whys.”

  Why do I have to share my husband?

  Why can’t we just be a normal family?

  Why can’t he walk home? (That one made no sense because of the blizzard, and he was on the other side of the city, but I wasn’t thinking rationally tonight.)

  Why is he with her and not with me?

  This self-torture continued through the night. Tossing and turning, I finally fell asleep around four in the morning, only to wake up at six in the same state of mind.

  Jake couldn’t see me like this. It would ruin what was supposed to be a happy time. I needed to take some time today and calm down before I told him about the baby. My being in this state would tarnish the whole pregnancy announcement.

  If I left before he got here, it might freak him out. So, the plan would be to wait until he arrived and then leave for a while to grab my bearings. The only way he’d let me leave was if I was adamant about it.

  I received a text about 6:30 a.m.

  Road is finally opened. Thank God. Leaving now. Be home soon.

  I got my coat on and threw a hat over my head so that I would be prepared when he came in. I sat in the same spot waiting.

  Forty minutes later, the door latched open.

  My heart beat faster as I took in the sight of my husband. His flattened hair stuck to the sides of his head. He had bags under his glowing green eyes. He was still the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on.

  Jake ran to me and planted his nose in my neck, releasing a deep breath into me. His skin was cold to the touch. “What a nightmare last night was. They discharged her. She’s back at the group home now.” He squeezed me tighter. “God, Nina. It feels so fucking good to be home.”

  Doing everything in my power to fight back tears, I reluctantly pushed back. Even though I was tempted to stay in the safety and warmth of his arms, my mood was out of control, and it would ruin everything. I had to cool it, and that meant leaving.

  “Why do you have your coat on?”

  “I need to get out for a while. I didn’t want you to come home and not find me.”

  “What? Why? Is it because I spent the night at the hospital?”

  That wasn’t entirely the issue, but I implied that it was. “What do you think?”

  “Baby, I—”

  “Listen, last night was just a really rough night. You’ve never not come home before. Ever. I just…I got upset. It’s not only that. I need to clear my mind. I’ll be fine. I just need some space.”

  “Nina, I’m sorry. But I just don’t understand.”

  “Please don’t call me and don’t text me, okay? I’m serious. I just need to be alone for a while.”

  The terrified look on his face didn’t stop me. I closed the door behind me and never looked back.

  ***

  The stormy weather of the previous day had given way to a beautiful morning as mounds of white snow reflected the bright rays of the sun.

  After a few hours of roaming our neighborhood and two stops into a couple of different restaurants that were open for breakfast, my exact destination was still unclear. Ice crunched beneath my Ugg boots as I continued to stroll along the side streets, still not ready to go home.

  When I got to the tracks along Beacon Street, a Green Line trolley approached in the distance. It eventually screeched to a halt in front of me, and the doors opened. I impulsively got inside without paying attention to where it was headed.

  I shut my eyes and let the swaying motion of the trolley ride calm me as I thought about the baby growing inside of me. The timing of my first pregnancy couldn’t have been worse. It was in the midst of first finding out about Ivy and dealing with all of the changes to Jake’s and my relationship that came along with that. The stress leading up to A.J’s birth was unprecedented and helped create the perfect storm that led to a really rough time after he was born.

  I was determined that this baby would come into the world under different circumstances. Whatever demons or insecurities that remained inside of me needed to be eradicated in the next nine months.

  Something written in pen on the back of the seat in front of me caught my eye.

  Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.

  I’d had a lot of fears in my lifetime. With Jake’s help, I was able to overcome many of them. But when you’re a fearful person by nature, often times, old fears are simply replaced with brand new ones. Ivy had been at the root of my anxieties from the moment I first found out about her. Even though Jake never gave me a reason to feel insecure, I couldn’t help it. Because I’d never met her, had never even seen what she looked like, she was like this mythical creature that held a small part of my husband’s heart. The times I became most insecure were the times that I focused on that one small part I didn’t have, rather than the majority I owned.

  Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.

  The next stop was Park Street. Vaguely, it registered that Park Street was where I could switch to the Red Line train. The Red Line would take me to Dorchester. Dorchest
er was where Ivy lived.

  I wouldn’t admit to myself that I was actually considering going there. If it became truth, I would lose the courage to do something that might be necessary for my own mental health. Maybe I would just peek in the window. Maybe I wouldn’t actually say anything to her. But it just suddenly became clear to me that as long as Ivy was a faceless monster in my head, the fear of the unknown would always be there. How could you tackle a fear if you didn’t really know what you were dealing with? I took one last look at the words responsible for catapulting an ordinary day into one I hoped I wouldn’t regret for the rest of my life.

  Replace Fear of the Unknown with Curiosity.

  I stood up and clung to a metal pole as the trolley came to a stop.

  After dumping change into the open guitar case of a man performing on the platform below, I waited anxiously for the next train—the train that would take me to Ivy’s neighborhood. I’d ordered a gift basket for the staff at the group home once as a favor to Jake, so I knew the address. I’d even stalked the house a few times on Google Earth, squinting my eyes to examine every last detail as if I’d get a glimpse of her.

  Once on the train, I checked my phone. No text from Jake. Even though I’d told him not to text me, I was surprised but thankful that he listened. I wasn’t sure I could have gone through with this if he’d sent a message that made me feel guilty.

  The announcement for my stop amped up the adrenaline running through my veins. “Fields Corner!”

  As I exited the train, I took out my phone and entered the address into a GPS application.

  It would be about a ten minute walk to the group home. As I followed the route, my mouth was parched, and my heart was beating out of control. With each step forward, doubt spread like wildfire. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

  The automated voice stopped me in my tracks. “You have arrived.”

  I looked up at the giant three-story home. Brown paint was chipping off the siding of the exterior. A wooden plaque with the word Welcome carved into it hung on the front door. Wind chimes dangling from the top of the front porch abruptly rang out in the breeze as if to warn me to turn around and leave.