Lovefool (Introduction)

#51 MEMORIES

  Once when she was leaving Sebastian’s house she felt even stronger that Julian was observing her. She felt his presence at her side. She couldn't explain it, but she could swear he was there. She felt physically better and she managed not to hobble. It was important for her that nobody saw her pain. In addition, it was especially important that Julian didn't get it.

  Julian stood on the other side of the street. He stood behind some parked cars and was watching her. She was even relieved to see him, and smiled shyly in his direction. She looked for any reaction on his face, but he didn't smile back. He didn't give her any sign to approach him. She stood there for a moment, her smile was gone and she still waited for his reaction, but it didn't make any sense. However, he was really standing there and didn't move. He was observing her. He didn't make any move into her direction. He avoided her and tried to keep the distance. He was stone-faced and seemed to be very calm. Every muscle of his body was strained. He didn't look very friendly at this moment. He looked so alien, even worse than a stranger in a bad neighbourhood. She was even scared of him at this moment.

  She didn't cross the street to go to him. She tried not to look back at him. She felt his gaze at her back and she tried to go more straight and normal. She didn't know how to react now. She would like to spend more time with him, but he was so strange. He didn't eat and his presence was very intense for her. She already felt him as she was at Sebastian's. Now he even rejected any contact to her. It was somehow rude. A short “Hello” or even a short smile would have been enough just because they know each other. Instead, he completely ignored her.

  On the other hand, Julian was too fascinating and magnificent to ignore. He was like a magnet that attracted her. The butterfly in Mia's stomach had woken up, apparently in the most inappropriate moment and for the most unsuitable person. It was like ice and fire at the same time. She had always listened to her inner voice and so far, she did well. She reduced her feelings to a small shadow hidden at the bottom of her heart. This is where she put all the emotions that she wanted to forget. These emotions were like living photos. Every memory she had was just a captured moment, which made it easy to hide. Sometimes these snapshots appeared and she would look at them shortly as if she would watch a family album.

  She knew she could see every detail in these pictures, she could look at them and she felt just pain. There were no distinct emotions, only undefined pain, all her emotions were captured together and she wasn't able to distinguish between single ones. She felt the same way now when she thought about Jonas. Her fear, her rage, her fury were like one undefined mix of feelings. The same way she felt about Julian. It was one feeling, made of a mix of various feelings she couldn't define. She was able to define them now, when she was feeling them, but later on, when they became a part of the past, it wasn't possible anymore. It was her way of protecting herself. She didn't allow herself to feel for a long time and now the depth of emotions she actually felt surprised her.

  She was too proud and too disorientated to go to him and to ask him something. She had too many questions for him. She was too weak to play someone who is able to stand straight and speak freely. She had too many thoughts in her head. They overwhelmed her like a fire that meets litter. She burned inside, but it wasn't enough to give in and walk over to meet him.

  Therefore, she tried to clear her mind and focus on going on along the street.