Butterfly

  It put me off balance, but I didn't realize it until I finished the entrechat and began to pirouette. I leaned too far in her direction so that when she turned and I spun, we collided and both lost our balance. I fell to the polished floor in an awkward flop that resulted in my sitting down hard on my hands. She continued to lose her balance and nearly collided with another dancer before falling on her side.

  The audience roared with laughter, Daniel's laugh one of the loudest. Dimitri looked sick. Celine's mouth opened and closed and then her face filled with disbelief. Sanford looked sad, but my new

  grandmother kept shaking her head and smirking. My new grandfather just looked surprised.

  Madame Malisorf, off to the right, gestured for us to rise quickly, and I did so. I started to perform the last steps again, but she shook her head and indicated I should simply stop and join the others in their bows.

  There was loud applause. The guests appeared to have enjoyed our imperfections. Madame Malisorf took the center stage again and waited for silence.

  "Well," she said, "that's why we spend most of our youth trying to do the simplest exercises and steps. Ballet is truly the dance of the gods," she added. "My primary students," she said gesturing at us and stressing the word primary. There was loud applause again and we all hurried off the stage. The older students approached to take our places. Dimitri glared at me.

  My stomach felt as if it had filled with gravel. The girl who had collided with me came over to me immediately.

  "You little idiot," she said. The others stopped to listen. "How could you be so clumsy? Why didn't you watch where you were going?"

  "I did. You came too close to me," I cried. "Everyone saw it. Whose fault was it?" she asked her friends.

  "The Dwarf's," one of the boys quipped and they all laughed. The girl fired another look of hate at me and they walked away. I sat on a chair, my tears zigzagging down my cheeks and dropping off my chin.

  "Hey, hey," I heard someone say and glanced up to see Sanford walking through the backstage area. "There's no reason for that. You did fine."

  "I did horribly," I moaned.

  "No, no. It wasn't your fault."

  "Everyone thinks it was," I said, wiping my tears away with the back of my hands.

  "Come on," he said. "We'll watch the rest of the recital."

  I took his hand and went out to the audience. It seemed like everyone was looking at me and laughing. I kept my head down, my eyes fixed on my feet as we went around and down the side to reach the chairs. There were two empty ones. My new grandparents had left.

  Celine said nothing. She sucked in her breath and stared at the stage as the scene from Romeo and Juliet began. Dimitri was as wonderful as he was in our studio. He danced as if. he owned the stage and it was apparent, even to me, really just a beginner, that he made the others look better than they were. When their scene ended, the applause was louder, the faces of the guests full of appreciation. Madame Malisorf announced a reception in the next room where she would be serving hors d'oeuvres and wine for the adults.

  "Let's just go home," Celine grumbled.

  "Celine . . ." Sanford began and I knew he didn't want to make me feel any more awkward than I already did.

  "Please," she said. "Let's just go home."

  He got behind her chair and started to wheel her out. Some of the people stopped to say they enjoyed my dancing.

  "Don't be discouraged, little one," a red-faced man said. "It's like riding a horse. Just get up and do it again," he advised. His wife pulled him away. Celine shot him a nasty, hateful look and then turned toward the doorway. We couldn't get out of there fast enough for her.

  I wondered where Daniel was and spotted him talking to one of the older ballerinas. He waved at me as we left, but I was too embarrassed to wave back. It wasn't until we were all in the car that I spoke.

  "I'm sorry Mother," I said. "I didn't know that girl was so close to me and she didn't notice me either."

  "It was the other girl's fault;' Sanford

  comforted.

  Celine was so quiet, I didn't think she would speak to me again, but after a few minutes she began.

  "You can't blame anything on the other dancer. You have to be aware of the other dancer. If she or he is off, you have to compensate. That's what makes you the best." Her tone left no room for argument, but still Sanford tried to defend me.

  "She's just starting, Celine," Sanford reminded her. "Mistakes are something you learn from."

  "Mistakes should be made in practice, not in recital," she spat. "You'll have to work harder." She was ashamed of me and didn't pretend to hide it.

  "Harder? How can she work any harder than she's working, Celine? She doesn't do anything else. She hasn't had a chance to make new friends. She needs a life, too." Sanford wouldn't give up. It shocked me since he always gave in to her so easily.

  "This is her life. She wants it just as much as I want it for her Don't you, Janet? Well?"

  "Yes, Mother," I said quickly.

  "See? I'll speak to Madame Malisorf. Maybe we can get her to give her one more lesson a week."

  "When? On the weekend? Celine, you're being unreasonable:' Sanford said.

  "Sanford, I'm tired of you arguing with me. And I will not have you always taking her side. You are my husband, Sanford; your allegiance belongs with me. Janet will have an extra lesson."

  Sanford shook his head.

  "I still think that might be too much, Celine," Sanford said, gently this time.

  "Let Madame Malisorf and I decide what's too much, Sanford."

  He didn't argue anymore. As we headed for home I wondered what happened to the idea of going out to dinner? What happened to my new

  grandparents? I was afraid to ask, and I didn't need to since Celine told me anyway.

  "My mother and father were embarrassed and went straight home," she said, her voice steely.

  I didn't think it was possible to feel any smaller than I was, but I wished I could just sink into the crevices between the seats and disappear. As soon as we arrived home, I ran upstairs to my room and shut the door. A short while later, I heard a soft knock. "Come in," I called out.

  Sanford entered and smiled at me. I was sitting on the bed. I had cried all the tears I had stored for sad occasions. My eyes ached.

  "Now I don't want you feeling so terrible," he said kindly. "You'll have many more chances to do better."

  "I'll make other mistake for sure," I said. "I'm not as good as Celine thinks I am."

  "Don't underestimate yourself after just one recital, Janet. Everyone, even the greatest dancers, makes mistakes." He put his hand on my shoulder, then rubbed it along my tight, aching neck.

  "She hates me now," I mumbled.

  "Oh no," he said. "She's just very determined. She'll relax and realize it's not the end of the world, too. You'll see," he promised. He brushed back my hair. "You were definitely the cutest dancer out there. I'm sure most people thought you were the best one on stage," he encouraged.

  "They did?"

  "Sure. All eyes were on you."

  "Which made it worse for me," I pointed out. He laughed.

  "Now, don't you think about it anymore. Think about happy things. Isn't your real birthday next Saturday?"

  "Yes, but Celine wanted to change it to the day you adopted me," I reminded him.

  "That was just Celine's silly wish. Why don't you and I plan your birthday party," he said. "I know you haven't had a chance to make new friends, but maybe you'll be able to at your party. Think of some children you'd like to invite. We'll have a good time," he promised.

  "Will my grandparents come?" I asked.

  His smile stiffened.

  "I imagine so," he said. "Now, go on. Change and we'll all have dinner?'

  "Celine's really not mad at me?" I asked hopefully.

  "No. Celine's had a very big disappointment in her life. It's hard for her to have any more. That's all. She'll be fine. We'll all be fine," he said.
r />   It was meant to be a promise, but it came out more like a prayer, and most of my life, my prayers had never been answered.

  Ten

  Madame Malisorf refused to add another day to my weekly ballet lessons. Celine and she had the conversation three days later--the very first lesson after the recital.

  "No," Madame Malisorf said. "It was partly my mistake to have rushed her along. I should never have agreed to put her on pointe. I should have listened to my own instincts. Janet has to find her own level of competence, her own capabilities. Talent is like water. If you remove the obstructions, it will rise to its highest possible level by itself."

  "That's not true, Madame Malisorf," Celine declared. "We must set her limits. We must determine her capabilities. She won't strive if we don't push her. She doesn't have the inner discipline."

  Madame Malisorf gazed at me warming up alongside Dimitri, who had said nothing yet about my performance at the recital.

  "You must be careful. You could make her lose interest and affection for the beauty and the skills, Celine. If you overtrain an athlete, he or she starts to regress, lose muscle, skill."

  "We'll take that chance. Double her training time. Money is no object," Celine insisted. "Money has never been nor will it ever be a consideration for me," Madame Malisorf snapped back at her, holding her shoulders and head proudly.

  Celine seemed to wilt in the chair.

  "I know that, Madame, I just meant--" "If I am to be the girl's teacher, Celine, I am to

  be in control. I will determine the schedule of lessons. More is not always better. What's better is to get more quality out of what you already have. If you think otherwise--"

  "Yes, yes, you're right," Celine said quickly. "Of course, you're right, Madame Malisorf. I was just so disappointed the other day and I know you were, too."

  "On the contrary, I was not," she said. Celine's head lifted. Even I had to pause in my exercises and look her way.

  "You weren't?" Celine sounded skeptical. "No. I was happy to see the child get right up and attempt to continue. That is stamina,

  determination That comes from here," she said holding her palm against her heart.

  "Yes," Celine said, looking at me. "Of course, you're right again, Madame. I'm grateful that we have you."

  "Then let's not waste the time we do have, Celine." Dismissing Celine with a flick of her wrist, Madame Malisorf approached Dimitri and me and our lesson began.

  It was a good lesson. Even I felt that I had accomplished more than usual. The only mention Madame Malisorf made of the recital was when she made reference to my work on pointe. For the rest of the lesson she had Dimitri take me through a series of exercises and complimented me on my work.

  Yet none of this seemed to ease Celine's concerns. She sat glumly in her chair and when the lesson ended and Dimitri and Madame Malisorf were gone, Celine wheeled up to me to say she thought Madame Malisorf was wrong.

  "She just doesn't want to give up her own free tune," Celine said peevishly. "In ballet more is better. If you're not obsessed with it, you won't be successful. It has to be demanding on your body and your soul. I'll practice with you on the weekend," she added. "We'll begin this Saturday."

  "But this Saturday is my birthday and Sanford said we're having a party. I've invited some of my classmates," I moaned.

  "Oh, Sanford is planning your party, is he?" The look in her eyes chilled me. "Well, the party isn't an all-day affair, is it? We'll practice in the morning and you can have your party in the afternoon, if you must have it at all," she declared, then turned her chair and wheeled herself away.

  Ever since the recital, Celine had been behaving differently toward me. She was more impatient, her words harsher, her eyes more critical. She spent more time alone, sometimes just sitting and staring out the window. And any time I mentioned Sanford she narrowed her eyes and looked at me like she was trying to see inside me, see what I was thinking and feeling. Once I even found her backed into a corner, the shadows draped over her like a blanket. She was staring at the painting of herself in her dance costume.

  When I mentioned my concern to Sanford, he said I should just give her time. I didn't mention that I thought Celine was upset at the time he and I spent together, though, since I was afraid he would avoid me in order to keep in Celine's good graces.

  "She has her ups and downs," he explained. "Everything has been happening so fast, she just needs time to adjust?'

  He and I went for one of our walks on the grounds, down to the lake. It was special times like these, spending time with a daddy who loved and cared for me, that made all the hours of torture in the studio worthwhile.

  "I've made all the plans for your birthday party," Sanford said when we reached the edge of the water. "We're going to have a barbecue, hot dogs and hamburgers and steaks for the adults?'

  "Who's coming?" I asked, hoping he would mention my new grandparents.

  "Some of the people at my plant whom you've met, Mrs. Williams from Peabody, Madame Malisorf, of course, and yes," he added quickly, reading my mind, "Celine's parents and Daniel will stop by. How many people have you invited?"

  "Ten," I said,

  "Good. We have a nice party planned. Remember, I don't want anyone using the rowboat without an adult present, okay?"

  I nodded. This was the most exciting thing in my life, even more exciting than the recital. I had never had a real birthday party. The only time I'd had a birthday cake, it was for me and two other children at the orphanage at the same time Sharing it took away from its specialness. Birthdays aren't special without a family to help you celebrate, without a mother to remember things about your growing up and a daddy to give you that special kiss and say, "My little girl's growing up. Soon she'll have eyes for someone else beside me." Finally, I was going to have a party that really was solely my own and a big party, too!

  I told Sanford that Celine wanted me to practice dance on the morning of my birthday and his eyes grew small and troubled. Later, at dinner, he mentioned it and Celine shot a look at me as if to say I had betrayed her.

  "Did she go crying to you about it?" she asked. "Why is it that you've suddenly become her knight in shining armor?"

  "Come on, Celine. She just mentioned it when I told her about the plans for her party. I thought we would all decorate the family room in the morning and----"

  "Really, Sanford, what did you expect me to do? Climb a ladder and hang balloons?" she asked disdainfully.

  "No, of course not. I just thought. . ." I could tell he was weakening.

  "There are no holidays, no days off, no time to forget what is your destiny, Janet," she said, turning back to me.

  "I know. I wasn't complaining," I said. I didn't want her to think I wasn't grateful.

  She stared at me a moment. It was a hard look, and her eyes were full of disappointment. I had to look down at my food.

  "I know you're a young girl, but as a dancer you are entering a world that requires you to become an adult faster, Janet," she continued. "It will make you stronger for everything in life. I promise."

  I looked up and she smiled.

  "You've come so far so fast. It wasn't long ago when you were just a lost child in that orphanage. Now you have a name and a talent. You're going to be someone. Don't give up on me," she said, her voice surprising me with its soft pleading.

  "Oh, I won't do that, Mother." How could she fear that I would give up on her?

  "Good. Good. When it's settled. We'll work in the morning and then you can enjoy your party. Mildred will decorate the family room," she told Sanford.

  "I'd like to help," he said.

  "Yes, I suppose you would;' Celine told him, and I could see her scrutinizing him as she often did me, trying to peer inside his mind.

  Celine was a sterner teacher than Madame Malisorf. The morning of my birthday, she was waiting impatiently for me in the studio. I was on my way into the studio when Mildred called out to me that I had a telephone call. One of the girls at
school, Betty Lowe, called to talk to me about my party and the five boys I had invited. She said everyone knew how much Josh Brown liked me. My conversation lasted longer than I realized and Celine was annoyed when I joined her in the studio, five minutes late.

  "What have I told you about time and its importance when it comes to practice, Janet? I thought you understood," she snapped as soon as I entered the studio.

  "I'm sorry," I said. Before I could offer any explanation, she sent me directly to the barre.

  I tried but I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't help thinking about my party, about everyone getting dressed up, and about the music and the food. I just knew this party would make the kids I'd invited finally let me into their group. I didn't think I had to do anything more to impress Josh, but just in case, I would be sure to wear my prettiest dress.

  As these thoughts flooded my mind, I went through the motions of my routine. Celine rolled her wheelchair over until she was only inches from me and began to criticize my form and tempo.

  "You're missing your mark," she said. "No, not so fast. Listen to the music. That landing was too hard! You don't land like an elephant, you float like a butterfly. Relax your knees. No. Stop!" she screamed and covered her face with her hands.

  "I'm sorry," I said when she stayed silent. "I'm trying."

  "You're not trying. Your mind is elsewhere. I wish Sanford had never thought up this birthday party," she muttered, her normally pretty mouth twisted, her eyes burning with an inner rage that made me look away. "All right," she said finally. "We'll make it up later. Go get ready for your party. I know when I'm fighting a lost cause. Believe me, I know when I'm doing that," she added, still very bitter.

  I apologized again, but as soon as I left her behind me in the studio and rounded the corner of the doorway, I ran through the house, up the stairs, and to my room. I wanted to try my hair in a new style and I still hadn't decided on which dress I should wear. I had decided to polish my nails, too. When my first guests arrived, I was still primping and Sanford had to come to my door to tell me it was time to come down to greet people.