All I Need

  So I decided I’m going to Temple. Not only do they have a strong academic program, they also have lots of activities and community service opportunities. I probably won’t see Seth every day, but I’ll see him a lot more than I do now.

  There’s no way I was going to tell Seth all of this on the phone. I can’t wait to see his face when he finds out I’ll be in Philly next year.

  Wawa has everything else I wanted for the care package. I finish packing the box in the parking lot. Then I tie it with a big silver ribbon. My heart pounds as I carry the box to Seth’s dorm. I can already feel his lips on mine. I can already see how excited he’ll be to hear the good news about next year.

  Seth is supposed to come down to sign me in, but the security officer knows me. He lets me go up. Seth doesn’t answer when I knock on his door. He probably has his earbuds in. I pound on the door harder. Still no answer. Maybe he went to the library. I’d go look for him there, but you need a Penn ID to get in. University libraries are super strict like that. Sometimes Seth hangs out in his dorm floor lounge. I decide to check there.

  As I round the corner to the lounge, I see Seth on the couch. I can tell it’s him even from the back. That warm fuzzy feeling I always get when I see him makes my heart pound even faster. But then the rest of the couch comes into view. And I see her.

  Sitting with Seth.

  Touching his shoulder.

  Who is this lounge skank touching my boyfriend’s shoulder?

  She says something to him. He laughs.

  My stomach sinks.

  She’s probably just some girl from class. They’re probably studying for the same final. I’m about to go in and surprise Seth with his care package when the girl on the couch kisses him.

  Seth doesn’t stop her.

  I run out before he can see me.

  The image of Seth kissing that girl makes me sick to my stomach. When I get in my car for the long drive back, I already know that image will haunt me forever.

  twenty–two

  Seth

  restless hearts sleep alone

  MY BRAIN takes a few seconds to process that Karen is kissing me. One second we’re studying. Then we’re laughing. Next thing I know, she’s all over me.

  I pull away from her.

  “What’s wrong?” she asks.

  “What are you doing?”

  “What does it look like?”

  “You know I have a girlfriend.”

  “I thought you said it wasn’t working out.”

  “No, it is. It’s just . . . complicated.”

  “Well,” Karen says, leaning in again. “Let me uncomplicate it.”

  I jump off the couch. Karen did not just kiss me. That did not just happen.

  I did not just let Karen kiss me.

  “Where are you going?” she asks.

  “We’re done.” I slap my books and notebooks together. “This can’t happen again.”

  “Okay, relax. I won’t kiss you. You don’t have to leave.”

  “Yeah, I do.” That one kiss brought everything back. How excited Karen would get when good things happened to me. How she was always so supportive. How passionate she was when we hooked up. Skye used to have that kind of energy. But I haven’t felt it from her in a while.

  The last thing I want to do is hide anything from Skye. Especially after realizing how important it is to share all the parts of my life with her. Even the parts of which I am not the biggest fan. But if Skye found out about this, she’d think it meant something. Which of course it doesn’t.

  I can’t pretend nothing happened. That would be a lie. Karen kissed me. I pulled away. Only . . . if I’m going to be completely honest, I’d have to admit that I let the kiss go on for a few seconds. That’s not something I want to admit to Skye.

  How could I have been so stupid?

  Back in my room, I attack the canvas on my easel. I smash crushed pigment into the collage of newspaper text plastered all over. The theme used to be generational discontent. Now it’s self-hatred.

  My phone rings. It’s Skye.

  “Hey,” I answer.

  “Hey. What are you doing?”

  “Working on a new piece. Well, not really a new piece. Just taking it in a different direction.”

  “I thought you were studying all weekend.”

  “I was. I mean, I am. I needed a break before my brain exploded.”

  Silence.

  “You still there?” I ask.

  “I saw you.”

  “What?”

  “I saw you. With her.”

  My heart slams against my chest. Skye was here? How is that possible? “What do you . . . You were here?”

  “Yeah, I was there. I came to give you a care package. Ironic, huh?”

  “But . . . you just left?”

  “What would you do if you saw me kissing some other boy?”

  “Kill him.”

  “Then you know how I feel.”

  “It wasn’t like that.”

  “Really? So you weren’t kissing some lounge skank? When you told me not to come down because you were studying all weekend?”

  “We were studying. She’s in my finance class. She kissed me out of nowhere. I shut it down.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I pulled away from her and left. She knows it can’t happen again.”

  “Why would it happen again? You’re not going to hang out with her anymore, are you?”

  “No. No, of course not.”

  “So you weren’t kissing her.”

  “No.”

  “She was kissing you.”

  “Yes.”

  “Out of nowhere.”

  “Totally. I did not see it coming at all.”

  “Do you like her?”

  “No! We just started hanging out again like a week ago. I have no interest in her.”

  “What do you mean ‘hanging out again’?”

  “We were . . . I knew her last year.”

  “Who is she?”

  Not only did Skye see another girl kissing me, but now I have to tell her that Karen is my ex-girlfriend. I should never have started hanging out with Karen again. I knew she still liked me. How the hell could I have been so stupid?

  “That was Karen,” I say.

  “Karen? As in your ex-girlfriend Karen?”

  “Yeah. But she knows you’re my girlfriend. And she knows I don’t have feelings for her anymore. I am so, so sorry.”

  Silence.

  “It won’t happen again,” I promise. “I won’t even talk to her anymore.”

  “You swear you don’t have feelings for her?”

  “I swear. I love you. You mean everything to me, Skye.”

  “Then say you’ll come to Sea Bright this summer.”

  Sea Bright. Nothing but Skye and freedom. I’d give anything to go back to what we had last summer, when the only thing that mattered was being together.

  Now I have to think about my future. I have to think about where this whole life thing is going and how I’ll get there. Switching majors next year won’t be easy. I’ll be catching up on stuff everyone else has been doing for the past two years. The last thing I want to do is fall even further behind than I already am. When I didn’t get the internship in Chicago, I assumed it was too late to get one anywhere else. Until Grant helped me come up with an idea. A crazy idea that’s a long shot. But if it works, I won’t be able to spend the summer with Skye.

  “I really want to,” I say. “But I don’t know if I can yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “There might be a way to get an internship at the Art Institute of Philadelphia.”

  “I thought you said the deadline passed.”

  “It did. I’m thinking outside the box on this one.” I tell her the idea Grant and I came up with.

  “Would something like that actually work?”

  “Don’t know yet.”

  Skye sighs into her phone. She’s been wanting me to change my majo
r to art ever since she found out I hated business. She knows how important an internship at the Art Institute would be for me. It would open a lot of doors. I’d be exposed to so much over the summer that would make catching up next year way easier. I know she wants me to have this. But she also wants us to spend the summer together. She’s been looking forward to our summer all year. I hate that I might not be able to give that to her.

  “Well,” she says, “I hope you get it.”

  “Thanks. Look, even if I do get it—which I probably won’t because it’s such a long shot—that would still give me a week with you in Sea Bright.”

  “A week.”

  “I know it’s not what we wanted. But it’s better than nothing, right?”

  Silence.

  Skye deserves better than this. She deserves to spend the summer with her soul mate. She deserves a boyfriend who doesn’t let his ex-girlfriend kiss him. Someone she can see all the time.

  I know I can be the boyfriend she wants. I know I can be better than this.

  twenty–three

  Skye

  one night will remind you

  SETH’S SUMMER vacay starting a month before mine was supposed to be a good thing. He was supposed to have time to come up and see me every weekend until I graduated. Then we’d have the whole summer together at the beach if he didn’t get the internship.

  He got the internship.

  Seth worked full-time at Phantom Fountain until it started, so he couldn’t take weekends off to visit me. Weekends are the busiest time and he needed the extra tips. His internship is unpaid. He had to save as much as he could to pay rent all summer.

  I’m happy for him that he got the internship. It’s just so hard to be apart when I was hoping we would be together. I wanted things to get better between us. But then Seth kissed Karen and he’s not here with me in Sea Bright and I don’t know how everything fell apart. I should be happy right now. I just graduated. I’m going to Temple. Seth and I can see each other a lot more. This was supposed to be the best summer ever.

  Except I can’t stop crying.

  I miss Seth so much. I know we’ll be together when college starts. But what if we can’t get back the magic we had before? What if the best times for us are in the past?

  The worst part is that I don’t even know if Seth will be here after his internship ends. He said we’d have a week together. But when his internship started, he found out he could do this workshop at the Art Institute before the fall semester. He could earn a credit toward his new major. Or he could spend a week bumming around the beach with me.

  “Enough moping,” Jocelyn declares. She and Kara are visiting. I was hoping they wouldn’t find me wallowing on the beach like this. I must look even more pathetic than I feel. “Did you not get the memo that Kara and I are leaving tomorrow? We refuse to let you spend our last night in such a tragic state.”

  “Only happy times allowed,” Kara says.

  Vague memories of happy times filter through my mind. I used to be a happy person. Back when I thought Seth and I would be together forever. I raced into this thing and fell so hard. Just like I used to zoom out from the carpeted part of the roller rink before I was ready.

  “Sorry, guys,” I say. “I’m just not feeling it.”

  “But we always celebrate our last night,” Kara pouts. She’s right. Every summer when Kara and Jocelyn come visit, we always plan something big for their last night. One time we rented a boat and invited all these random people to our impromptu boat party. Another year we stayed up until sunrise, camping out on the beach and playing the wildest version of Truth or Dare ever. I don’t want my misery to bring them down. Which is why I was trying to hide out here while they went into town to do some shopping.

  All I can see is Seth kissing Karen. I can’t get that nasty kiss to stop replaying on a loop behind my eyes. I know he said he pulled away from her. That it didn’t mean anything. But that’s not what I saw. He didn’t pull away that first second. He let the kiss happen.

  Why would he let the kiss happen if he knew we were meant to be together?

  My half of the first photo booth pictures we took says it all. Seth making a kissy face in one. Then looking confused in the other.

  Jocelyn and Kara sit down on my big beach towel with me. Kara takes her tank top off to reveal a tiny, metallic gold bikini. The way she raved about this bikini when she bought it, you’d think the only reason she visited this summer was to show it off. The boys have clearly appreciated it. Jocelyn looks hot, too. She lost the weight she wanted to this year without any fad dieting. All it took was eating less sugar and working out.

  “Seth still might come the week before classes start,” Jocelyn reminds me. “I know he really wants to be here with you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “We’ve seen how he looks at you,” Kara says. “The boy is smitten.”

  “Then why did he kiss his ex-girlfriend?”

  “Okay, for the last time: she kissed him. He has no control over crazy stalker girls randomly throwing themselves at him. The boy is sexy. Girls are noticing. Just like boys are noticing you.” Kara tilts her head in the direction of two boys laying out next to us. They’ve been sneaking looks at me since I got here. Boys usually look at me on the beach. But I don’t care. I just want Seth.

  “You’re both hot,” Jocelyn says. “You both get attention. So what? If you both want to be together—which you do—then nothing else matters.”

  I believe Seth wants to be with me. But he has so much else going on in his life, I feel like I’m not important to him anymore. When we first got together, all we could think about was the next time we’d see each other. I never thought what we had would change. I didn’t think it could change.

  “I’m not sure Seth knows how to be together,” I say. “He’s still scared of being hurt. I’ve told him a million times how much I love him. But he keeps holding back. It’s like he can’t share his life with me completely. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to.”

  “He has to let go,” Kara says. “We all have baggage. But at some point, you have to open those bags and confront what’s inside. Oh, this is so going to be my next topic for A Day in the Life.” Kara whips out the mini idea notebook she keeps in her bag. “Anyway. Seth has to drop that garbage he’s been lugging around if he wants to keep you.”

  “Which he totally does,” Jocelyn insists. “Don’t worry. Right now he’s afraid to do the work. But he’ll realize you’re worth it.”

  “And if he doesn’t?”

  “He will. I know it.”

  “The boy has his flaws,” Kara says, “but being an idiot is not one of them. Trust me. Next year will be amazing for you guys.”

  Next year will definitely be amazing for Kara and Jocelyn. Jocelyn is going to Parsons School of Design in New York City. She wants to start her own label. Kara’s going to VisArts Boston for filmmaking. None of us knows what’s going to happen with our boyfriends. Luke and Anton aren’t even going to be near Jocelyn and Kara.

  It’s weird that we’re dealing with all of these changes. If someone told me this would be our lives two years ago, I wouldn’t have believed them.

  “Come on,” Jocelyn says. She gets up and stretches. “We’re meeting Adrienne for snowballs. There’s a watermelon tangerine one with your name on it.”

  And a spearmint lemonade one hoping a certain someone visits this summer.

  Back in my room later, I’m about to take a shower and get dressed for tonight. The snowball place perked me up. My girls were awesome as always. They convinced me we should drive to Red Bank for some Ms. Pac-Man and pasta. This one Italian place that serves fresh pasta is to die. I guess all these days with no appetite have caught up with me because now I’m starving.

  I throw my balcony doors open and step out. There’s something about the sound of the ocean from up here that always soothes me. On nights when it’s not too hot, I like to sleep with these doors open, the ocean waves drifting me off to sle
ep. But not even the waves help on nights when I’m missing Seth the most.

  Mom is out front in her gardening gear. Most of our neighbors hire landscapers to do their yards. But Mom loves caring for the flowers around our front porch and growing vegetables out back. She said something about planting new azaleas today. I go down to check them out.

  “Hi there,” Mom says when she sees me on the porch. “Where are the girls?”

  “In their rooms getting ready.”

  “Big night out?”

  “We’re going to Red Bank for dinner.” I flop down on a lounge chair.

  “Who’s driving?”

  “Adrienne.”

  “Sounds like fun.” Mom takes out a trowel from her gardening box. She fluffs the soil in the huge glazed pot that sits at the bottom of the stairs. She always plants the most colorful arrangements in it. “Want to help?”

  “I would, but I have to get ready.”

  “Aren’t these azaleas gorgeous?”

  “They really are.” Mom selected a combination of striped and solid flowers in hot pink, violet, and red. They look beautiful. She makes everything look so perfect. So easy.

  “Have you and Dad always had such a good relationship?” I ask, trying to sound casual.

  “Pretty much. Better than what most of our friends have, anyway.”

  “Is it a lot of work?”

  “Having a good relationship?”

  I nod.

  Mom sits on one of the front steps, brushing her gardening gloves off. “We’ve had our share of challenges. There will always be challenges in a relationship. The important thing is working as a team to overcome them.”

  “You make it look so easy.”

  “It is easier with the right person. A good test of a relationship is how well you both deal with challenges. If one person is more invested, it shows. If you’re with the wrong person, it feels like too much work. Don’t get me wrong—relationships are work. But if you’re unhappy more than you’re happy, it’s not the right relationship for you.”