Broken Glass

  “That would be nice,” Mother suddenly said, even though neither I nor Daddy had said anything. “Wouldn’t it, Mason?”

  Daddy looked up from his food. “Oh, sure,” he said.

  “What would be nice?” I asked. I couldn’t help it.

  “After we’re finished, before dessert, you can play something on the pianos for our guest,” Mother replied.

  She looked from me to Kaylee’s empty seat. I couldn’t help the way my mouth fell open. I even choked on a noodle.

  But Mrs. Lofter nodded and smiled. “That would be so nice,” she said.

  “Yes,” Daddy said. “You’ll be very pleased. They play so well.”

  I suddenly felt like my food would come rushing back up my throat and surge out of my mouth. I covered my face and looked away.

  “Easy,” Daddy whispered, sensing that I wanted to get up and race back to my room. “She’s tottering.”

  Tottering? I looked at Mother. She looked as happy and as satisfied as ever. It was as if we had fallen back years and years, certainly to before the trouble between our parents had grown to the point of their thinking about divorce. This wasn’t exactly how I envisioned it would be. How long was I expected to pretend nothing had happened?

  I tried to eat some more and then finally pushed my plate away. All I wanted to do was get out of there. Kaylee and I usually would clear the table and help Mother with the dishes. It wouldn’t look good if I didn’t make an effort to do it now, I thought. Why did we have to have Mrs. Lofter living with us? I had to put on a continuous act for her. How long would I need to perform? It felt like mice were chewing on the inside of my stomach.

  Reluctantly, I stood and began to clear the table.

  “Hey, don’t worry about that tonight,” Daddy said, reaching for my hand. “I’ll help. You go to the piano.”

  “What?”

  Did he really want me to play without Kaylee? I was sure he saw the shock on my face.

  He nodded at Mother, who was looking very pleased. I glanced at Mrs. Lofter, who was gazing at me intently, almost defying me to refuse. How should I play this scene? I wondered. Shouldn’t I be too upset to do it? Why couldn’t I be selfish with my suffering, too? On the other hand, wasn’t I worried about my mother? Wasn’t it more important to protect and help her and follow the psychiatric nurse’s directions? If I didn’t, I would attract new suspicions.

  I almost felt like saying, C’mon, Kaylee. Let’s play for Mother and Daddy’s guest.

  I did look back at Kaylee’s empty seat, and then I went to the living room and sat at my piano. I sifted through some of the pieces we often played together. I settled on Brahms’s Hungarian Dance No. 5. It was one I liked more than Kaylee did, but Mother never knew which pieces either of us preferred. Kaylee was good at keeping her opinions disguised. For the piano recitals, at least, we took turns compromising with each other.

  Mrs. Lofter entered, holding Mother’s arm, and they sat on the smaller settee. Mother had her hands in her lap and her face frozen in a proud smile, which right now looked more like a mask. Daddy appeared in the doorway and nodded at me to begin. I looked across at Kaylee’s piano and her empty piano bench. I can’t get rid of her, I thought. At least, not now. I would do what I usually did when we played: lower my head so I didn’t have to look at her and begin. Ironically, I think I played better than I ever had. When I finished and looked at Daddy, I saw how pleased he was. Mrs. Lofter appeared quite impressed, too, and Mother looked more delighted than ever.

  I thought I might go out the back door and scream as loudly as I could. Instead, I rose and excused myself, looking directly at Mother and claiming to have homework.

  “They’re so diligent,” she told Mrs. Lofter. “Top of their class, both of them.”

  I started out, but Mother raised her arms for me to come to her and give her a kiss. Nothing drove home her insanity more than that. Where was Kaylee’s kiss? It was always right after mine, or mine was right after hers. I kissed her anyway and didn’t look back. I didn’t want to see her raising her arms again and turning her cheek for Kaylee’s lips.

  Daddy followed me to the hallway. “You’re doing great, Haylee,” he said.

  “It’s nuts, Daddy.”

  “I know. It’s difficult. For now, it’s what has to be done.”

  I started away but stopped. “What did the police tell you on the phone, Daddy?”

  “Because of the television and newspaper reports and Kaylee’s picture being well circulated, they have received dozens of possible leads and are following through. They’ve put some other officers on the leads. They’re going full out now.”

  “When will we know anything?”

  “We’ll know as soon as they hit something concrete. They assured me, Haylee. Right now, no news is good news.” It was a dark thing to say, and he knew it the moment he uttered it. “I mean . . . let’s keep hopeful.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  He moved forward and hugged me. “This is so hard for you, so hard. You’re my little champion.” He kissed me on the forehead. I held on to him a moment longer and then turned and went upstairs.

  This was too dreary, I thought. I had to get back into the swing of things earlier than I had planned. I hadn’t realized how boring it could be. I was never as strong as Kaylee when it came to being alone. That was why I dreaded Mother locking us away in the pantry when I did something she thought was wrong. Kaylee could amuse herself, whereas I felt like ants were crawling in circles inside my stomach.

  I started to sift through the phone messages and decided to call Ryan Lockhart first. Just before Kaylee’s convenient disappearance, I had been toying with him enough to annoy her. He was Rachel Benton’s boyfriend, and Rachel was one of Kaylee’s good friends. She had called and left a message, too, but I ignored her. She was crying through most of it anyway, a bit over the top, I thought.

  It was just this year that Ryan had become more attractive. At six foot three, he was on the basketball team and wore his light-brown hair as long as the coach would permit. To me, Ryan seemed to have filled out overnight. He had stunning blue-green eyes, an impishly flirtatious smile, and a body some ancient Greek sculptor would have loved to use as a model.

  I wondered how a girl like Rachel could win his interest. She was pretty, I guessed, but not very sexy. I had told Kaylee so and pointed out that Rachel didn’t wear clothes that would accent her figure and she definitely needed a remedial class in eye makeup. Unlike Kaylee, I hadn’t been afraid to tell Rachel so to her face, either.

  “She’s what I would call a convenient girlfriend,” I had told Kaylee. “Too reliable.”

  “What? What’s that mean?”

  “He doesn’t have to worry about her being there. She’s like a pet poodle. And let me tell you, boys don’t really like that. They act like they do because everyone expects them to, but what they really want is someone with more excitement, more challenge. He’s always looking my way.”

  “Stop it,” Kaylee had ordered. “Just stop it. Don’t mess with every other girl’s boyfriend, Haylee. You’ll have everyone hating us.”

  “Hating me, you mean,” I said.

  And then I had started to flirt with him, especially because she had told me I shouldn’t. Kaylee always believed in her heart of hearts that she carried enough conscience for us both.

  Ryan answered his cell phone on the first ring because, I was sure, he saw my number on the caller ID. At the moment, there wasn’t anyone else in our school who was more important for him to talk to, besides the fact that I knew he was already a little more than attracted to me. And contrary to what my mother or anyone else thought, when a boy was attracted to me, it didn’t mean he’d be automatically attracted to Kaylee. Anyone who looked at us for more than one second would see the difference. I was proud that I was sexier and more dangerous. Sweet Kaylee but Hot Haylee, that was my motto. I was even thinking of getting a T-shirt with that written across my breasts.

  “Don??
?t tell me how sorry you are,” I said as soon as Ryan said hello. “It will only make me cry.”

  “Oh, well, can I ask you if you need anything?”

  “Yes. I need lots. I need to get off this floor of dynamite. My parents are on the verge of mental crackups. We have a special nurse here to help with my mother. I’m afraid to leave the house in case there’s news about Kaylee. We’re all on pins and needles.”

  “Yikes.”

  “Yikes? Who says ‘yikes’?” I finally felt like laughing.

  “My father,” he said. “He grew up on a farm in upstate New York, and that was practically the only curse word my grandparents allowed.”

  “I bet that changed when he left for college.”

  “Not really. Dad’s a . . . bit of a . . .”

  “Puritan?” I was going to suggest a few other choice descriptions but thought I’d better not.

  “Yeah, right.”

  “Are you planning to do anything tonight?” I asked. It was still early.

  “Tonight? Oh, I was just about to leave the house to take Rachel to the new Bradley Cooper movie. She likes him.”

  “So do I. I wish I could go, but instead I’ll watch the clock and shudder whenever the phone rings. That’s my excitement.”

  “I’m . . .”

  “Don’t say it. You’re sorry.” After a pregnant pause, I asked, “Do you have to go to the movies?”

  “Have to? I dunno, why?”

  “I haven’t asked anyone over. It’s cruel to bring someone into this, I suppose.”

  “Oh. No, I don’t think that’s cruel. Someone should be there with you. What about Rachel? I’m sure she’d want to spend time with you. I can drop her off at your house instead of taking her to the movie.”

  “She’s more Kaylee’s friend than mine. She’d be depressing,” I said.

  He was quiet.

  “Well, enjoy the movie,” I said.

  “Wait,” he said before I could hang up. “Let me see about it. I think I could take her to the movie another night.”

  “Don’t disappoint her because of me.”

  “She’ll understand, or she should,” he said firmly. “How about I come over now?”

  “That would be very nice. We’ll hang out in my room. I’ll wait for you by the front door and take you right up so you don’t have to see my parents, especially my mother. You sure you want to do this?”

  “Yeah. Don’t worry. Give me fifteen.”

  “Okay. Thanks,” I said. “It’s sweet of you.”

  I hung up. Anyone who saw the smile on my face would think I had won the lottery or something. Now to explain it to Daddy, I thought.

  Mrs. Lofter had taken Mother back to her room, and he was finishing up in the kitchen. He was still wearing that silly apron. For a moment, I simply stood watching him. I wondered if he had a new girlfriend and wished he could be with her instead of playing good daddy and ex-husband here. He hadn’t lost his good looks since the divorce. If anything, whenever I saw him afterward, I thought he looked younger and more relaxed. He turned when he realized I was standing there.

  “Hey,” he said, holding a dish.

  “I should have helped you.”

  “It’s okay. I haven’t had KP duty since my college days. You all right?”

  “No. I can’t stop the trembling inside me,” I said, and ran to him. I threw my arms around him and pressed the side of my face against his chest.

  He put the plate down and held me. “When bad things happen to people we love, we suffer almost as much ourselves,” he said.

  “I feel like I’ve been abducted, too. Whatever happened to Kaylee happened to me. It was always that way, and vice versa.”

  “I know.” He kissed my forehead.

  “I can’t read. I can’t watch television. I don’t like talking to friends on the phone as much as Kaylee does.”

  “I understand.”

  I stepped back, wiping my eyes and taking deep breaths. “I have one friend. He’s not really a boyfriend. He’s just a nice boy, a good friend,” I said. “His name is Ryan Lockhart. He just called, and I broke down talking to him. He insisted on stopping by for a while, and I said it was all right. Is it?”

  He thought a moment and then nodded. “Yeah, sure, Haylee. It’s too much to expect you just to sit around and wait for news. I know how nerve-racking it is. Probably be good for you to have a little distraction while we wait. Just don’t bring him around your mother. It’s not something he would understand, and . . .”

  “I understand, Daddy. I’ll take him right to my room, and we’ll just stay there until he leaves.”

  “Okay,” he said.

  The phone rang, and he went to answer it. It was another of Mother’s friends. While he talked, I slipped out and waited by the front door. I could see anyone pull into our driveway through the multipane window. Not more than five minutes later, Ryan drove up. As soon as he got out of his car, I opened the front door and stood there waiting for him.

  “Hey,” he said.

  The moment he stepped up, I threw my arms around him. He felt awkward for a moment and then embraced me.

  “This is terrible,” he said. “My mother can’t stop talking about it.”

  I took a deep breath and pulled back, but I held on to his right hand. “Come in,” I said. “Just follow me up the stairs.”

  Daddy didn’t step out of the kitchen. I hurried Ryan through the entryway to the stairs and practically dragged him up and into my room before anyone could appear. Then I closed the door.

  He shrugged. “I was expecting to see police or the FBI or something.”

  “They come and go. No one is anticipating a demand for ransom. This is something worse,” I said, and plopped onto my bed.

  He stood gazing down at me. His awkward indecision about what to do amused me. I turned over and pushed myself up to my pillows.

  “It’s all right,” I said, patting the bed. “Take off your shoes and just lie beside me.”

  He glanced at the door, shrugged, and did as I had asked. “So no one’s called yet, huh?” he asked.

  “Just the police from time to time. How did Rachel take your not going to the movies but coming here instead?”

  “I didn’t tell her,” he said. “If I did, she would have wanted to come, too.”

  “Very smart. There’s no room for her on my bed,” I added, and turned toward him.

  His eyes widened as that sweet, flirtatious smile of his appeared. “Very funny.”

  “It’s not meant to be funny,” I said, fixing my serious, intent sexual gaze on him. “I need to think of other things, or I’ll go mad. Even the psychiatric nurse said that to me. You can’t dwell on sadness and worry all day and night.”

  “No, I guess not.”

  “It doesn’t mean you don’t love someone who’s in trouble. It does them no good for you to get sick and weak, too.”

  “Right,” he said.

  “Can you take my mind off things?” I asked, running my left forefinger up from his chest to the tip of his chin.

  He didn’t move until I brought my lips to his. Then he put his arm around me and kissed me harder and longer. I could hear his breathing quicken. Oh, how easy this is, I thought, and look at the excuse I have for whatever I do, no matter how I behave. I sat up and pulled my blouse over my head. Before he could react to that, I undid my bra and dropped it off the side of the bed. When I turned back to him, he was trembling with excitement.

  “Boys like it fast, don’t they?” I whispered as I brought my lips to his cheek.

  He looked at the closed door.

  “I locked it when I closed it,” I said.

  “Why me?” he asked.

  “Why not you?”

  He started to undress. I rushed to pull back the blanket. He slipped in beside me, naked. We kissed, and my body, which had been under such dull depression too long, was electrified. He kissed his way down my neck, to my shoulders, over my breasts, and to the small of m
y stomach. Then he reached over the side of the bed, fumbled with his pants for a moment, and came up with a contraceptive.

  “You answered the question,” I said.

  “What question?”

  “Why you?” I said, and we began to make love.

  I was more passionate and demanding than I had ever been with any boy. Every rush traveling up the insides of my thighs or down from my breasts in waves through my body was stronger than any I had ever felt. He was holding on to me as if I were a bull he was riding. I could see that the one fear in his eyes was that he would reach an orgasm before I was completely satisfied. He moaned almost with disappointment when it happened.

  “It’s all right,” I said. “You were wonderful, just what I needed.”

  He fell back and caught his breath as he gazed up in wonder at the ceiling. “I feel good,” he said, “but guilty, too.”

  “Because of Rachel?”

  “A little, but more because I never dreamed this would happen now. I mean, with what’s going on here.”

  “That’s part of the reason, but only part of it,” I added quickly. “I’ve always fantasized about you being here in my room with me.”

  “Really?”

  “I think Rachel knows it, too.”

  “Oh. Maybe,” he said. “What difference does it make now?” He turned to me, smiling.

  “None that I can think of,” I said.

  A half hour later, we made love again, and then I thought it was best that I sneak him out of the house.

  “Let me check first,” I told him. I certainly didn’t want my mother or Mrs. Lofter to see him. Daddy was in his office on the phone, so I was able to show Ryan out undetected.

  I walked him to his car, and we kissed good night. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he promised.

  “No. Wait for me to call you,” I said. “I don’t know what will be going on here tomorrow.”

  “Sure. I hope it all works out well.”

  “It will,” I said.

  He smiled at my optimism.

  I wanted to add, It already has, but I just kissed him one more time and went back into the house.