Get Lucky

Permission looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders. ‘So, try us?’ suggested Permission.

  ‘Very well, mistress Permission, C3PO agreed. ‘It’s to do with Lucifer himself.’

  ‘The Devil?’ asked Shylock.

  ‘Yes, master Shylock III. The Devil, Lucifer, Beezebub, Lord of the Flies. The very one,’ said C3PO. ‘You see, it’s his …management style.’

  ‘His what?’ asked Shylock, in disbelief.

  ‘It’s a question of Leadership,’ C3PO clarified. ‘We don’t have any idea of what the future holds for us, and morale’s at an all-time low. We need a vision – something to look forward to. You see, we’re all really fond of Master Nick, but he’s not leading us properly – even I know that. Quite a few of the collective here have been to the very best Management Leadership schools across the dimensions and are very critical of him. The other’s are beginning to listen, and it’s all getting quite nasty really.’

  ‘So you need a…. sense of future direction?’ Shylock said back to him.

  ‘Yes, master Shylock III,’ agree C3PO. ‘But the Grand Master’s problem is that there is nothing in our future. This is the end of the line for the collective bad-soul-matter. After all, think of the untold damage all this malignant, depraved, heinous evil would do if it were released back into the physical world.’

  ‘So, there’s no solution? That’s what you’re saying?’ asked Permission.

  ‘Hang on,’ said Shylock. ‘I’m not so sure. I think I have an idea. You said you know Bb?’

  'Yes. But your idea - does it involve putting clothes on?' asked C3PO?, glancing down Shylock's natural assets.

  No matter how bad they are, things can always get worse.

  When Shylock arrived back in Purgatory – fully dressed once again - with Permission, he wasn’t surprised to find Bb waiting for him along with the Princess and the Devil himself, and he had to admit to being as pleased to see him, as Bb obviously was to have found them. ‘Winnie!’ Bb shouted, fly-hovering across the room and giving him a tight hug. ‘I thought I’d lost you.’

  ‘No, Bb. You haven’t lost us,’ replied Shylock, smiling and shucking himself free. ‘How did you get here?’

  ‘After losing you in the white-light, I had hoped you would be here. So, I decided to deliver the current Exchange & Mart personally,’ he explained.

  ‘Well, it’s as well you’re here. I think we need your help,’ said Shylock. ‘What do you know about performance appraisals and reward systems?’

  ‘Appraisals! Rewards! Just about everything there is to know, Winnie,’ replied Bb. ‘Why, these are two of my favourite subjects, right up there just below profits.’

  ‘Good,’ said Shylock, turning to face the Devil. ‘Promotion!’ he suddenly proclaimed. ‘That’s what you need. Promotion!’

  ‘Huh! Me?’ asked the Devil.

  ‘Yes,’ replied Shylock. ‘As we were visiting your domain, it came to me. You’ve done such a good job, that the bad-soul-matter is better organised and productive than it has ever been, and yet in Purgatory the Heavenly host are short of Angels and Cherubs. Clearly both of these are indicators that you have exceeded your responsibilities, and therefore should be promoted.’

  ‘Well,’ mused the Devil. ‘In all due modesty, you certainly make a good case on my behalf. But, there is no promotion available. At least, none that I know off.’

  ‘Then we must create something. A position suitably demanding,’ encouraged Shylock.

  ‘Well, I don’t know about demanding,’ muttered the Devil.

  ‘Perhaps a position which would allow you to more fully use your experience and wisdom?’ suggested Shylock.

  ‘Well, err…yes, I suppose so,’ agreed the Devil.

  ‘You are familiar with lies, I believe?’ asked Shylock.

  ‘Oh, yes. Indeed I am,’ agreed the Devil happily.

  ‘Right! Leave it with me,’ said Shylock, turning back to the Princess. ‘Can you get us back to Aunt Agatha’s?’

  Agreement

  Aunt Agatha and the Princess together, had formed a meeting room with a long board-table in the centre and comfortable swivel chairs all around. Along one side sat Permission, the Princess, and the Devil. Facing them sat Bb, Aunt Agatha, Im and Um with Shylock at the head.

  It was Shylock who officially opened the meeting. ‘Thank you all for coming. I propose that together we can help each other to solve a few problems we have,’ he said. ‘, we have a budget deficit in Heaven and the White light. Second, we have a surfeit of bad-soul-matter in Purgatory and Hell. Thirdly, I would like to get out of here and go back to Earth.’

  ‘Impossible,’ uttered Im.

  ‘Can’t be done,’ agreed the Devil.

  ‘Good trick,’ suggested Aunt Agatha.

  ‘Be all of that as it may,’ said Shylock. ‘Let’s make a start. Is there any fundamental difference between bad-soul-matter and good-soul-matter?’

  ‘Apart from being bad or good?’ asked the Princess.

  ‘Yes,’ said Shylock, watching the puzzled expressions being exchanged around the table, finally accepting the silent acknowledgement that his supposition was correct. ‘So the solution I propose is simple. You have already indicated that not all good-soul-matter is equally good by recycling some, as you Princess, already had responsibility for in your last assignment in Heaven. Similarly, all bad-soul-matter is not equally bad as you are now responsible for recycling some through Purgatory. Therefore, I propose that there is a continuum of ultimate evil through perfect good, and that there are many different intermediate degrees between.’

  ‘Wish, wash!’ said Im.

  ‘Let him speak,’ said Um.

  ‘So you mean there is no clear division between black and white, but instead many shades of grey?’ asked the Devil.

  ‘Exactly!’ agreed Shylock. ‘And there is redundancy in the recycling process, due to the way you are organised.’

  ‘One not knowing what the other is doing?’ suggested Permission.

  ‘Correct again!’ said Shylock. ‘And as a result, you have too much soul-matter in Purgatory and Hell…’

  ‘…And insufficient in Heaven and the White light?’ finished Um.

  ‘A redistribution!’ exclaimed Aunt Agatha.

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Shylock. ‘But, it must be done carefully and I have a few suggestions for how best to approach it.’

  ‘So?’ said Im. ‘I suppose you want us to ask?’

  ‘Of course we will ask,’ said Aunt Agatha. ‘What do you recommend?’

  ‘Firstly, a new appointment,’ said Shylock. Someone to chair a committee of interested parties. Someone with sufficient knowledge of the good and bad in soul-matter to help define the shades of grey, thus determining the distribution between Heaven and Hell.’

  Seeing only a general nodding of heads, Shylock continued. ‘Then, the introduction of a soul-matter grading process, whereby each newly arriving soul can be appraised for good and bad when measured against predetermined standards, before being set some performance improvement goals.’

  ‘You mean we take the least-bad-soul-matter and retrain it to become good-soul-matter?’ asked Um, not so sure he was following everything Shylock was saying.

  ‘Not exactly,’ replied Shylock. ‘You should actually take the worst bad-soul-matter and reskill it.’

  ‘The worst!’ interrupted Aunt Agatha. ‘But that would be simply awful! All that evil spilling into Heaven. Impossible! Can’t be done!’

  ‘But the very worst bad-soul-matter is the very best at what it has been asked to achieve,’ explained Shylock.

  ‘You mean the very worst bad-soul-matter is as good at it’s job as the very best good-soul-matter?’ asked the Devil.

  ‘Precisely,’ agreed Shylock. ‘And you only really want the best soul-matter in heaven.’

  ‘Or the worst, it would seem,’ remarked Bb.

  ‘Yes, yes,’ agreed Shylock. ‘But that’s where you’re appraisal skills will be required.’
r />   ‘You want me to find the very worst bad-soul-matter and put it forward for reskilling?’ asked Bb.

  ‘Exactly,’ agreed Shylock, turning to face the Devil. ‘With your help of course, mister newly appointed Chairman.’

  The Devil smiled his agreement, while more heads nodded round the table as no-one else wanted to be anywhere near the worst bad-soul-matter.

  ‘And then, there’s the consolidation of the White light and Purgatory, in order to eliminate the duplication of recycling efforts,’ said Shylock.

  ‘You mean we would have Hell, Heaven and some kind of common sorting room in between?’ asked the Devil.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Shylock.

  ‘And through performance appraisals, every piece of soul-matter would know where it was on the continuum of good and badness?’ asked Bb.

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Shylock. ‘And depending upon the greater need for good or bad soul-matter at any moment in time, the individual soul-elements can be goaled to improve to either goodness or badness.’

  ‘So we can always have the resources we need, where we need them?’ asked Um.

  ‘But how could we do this without the First-Creator's approval?’ asked Im. ‘Surely he should be involved in something of this importance?’

  Bb broke the ensuing silence, with evident reluctance. ‘Maybe, I could tell him?’

  ‘You!’ the others exclaimed in unison.

  ‘Don’t tell me you sell something to the Creator as well?’ asked Shylock.

  Bb blushed. ‘Oh no, Nothing like that! I would never think of invoicing the Creator!’

  ‘You give something away?’ asked Shylock, even more amazed.

  ‘Not exactly,’ replied Bb, hesitantly. ‘You see, he