The Adventurous Time Adventures of Doctor When

within, and donned her submarinopulminator while the others followed suit after seeing how it was done. Thus prepared, the esteemed Doctor threw a lever and cold seawater rushed to fill the periosphere.

  As they became soaked through, it became apparent how useful their devices were. Within the submarinopulminators the four land-dwelling air-breathing humans were able to freely draw breath and maintain a good field of vision. Right now, the three hired toughs were seeing Doctor When leaving them behind through an open hatch at the top of the periosphere.

  They propelled themselves after her, with varying degrees of efficiency, through the dully lit marine landscape. When they caught up, the Doctor turned and spoke to them, her words fizzing and popping as they emanated through the device, as if beside each of their ears.

  'We need to swim fizzpop the other side of poppop stone outcropping fizzz,' she said, or nearly, through the prototype communication system. 'The anoma-fizzpopfizz there.' It still needed rather a lot of work.

  So they stretched their legs and arms weightlessly and headed off in that directions. Around them, drifts of seaweed caught on their clothing and extremities. Wilburforce frowned at the thought of what his outfit would look like after this undersea adventure, but then he was used to getting strange stains, usually blood, out of his garments.

  Eventually they passed the specified outcropping, and turned to see what sat on its other side.

  There were shapes in the water, dark and human-sized. And they moved quickly, like sharks, making the hairs rise on the necks of Wilburforce and the Spaghetti Sisters. Doctor When merely trod water and watched as they became surrounded.

  'What are these fizz-ings?' Rigatoni had to ask, her voice squeaking with fear.

  'Fizzpop-ple,' the Doctor replied, or tried to.

  'What?'

  'Poppop said, they're merpeop-fizzz.'

  'Are they popfizz anomal-pop?' Wilburforce wondered, trying to spin in place to keep his eye on as many as possible.

  'Oh indeed, as a matter of popfizz, merpeople became extinct two hundr-pop years ago. And we fizzpop travelled back only fifty.'

  The shapes were drawing closer and closer, until they were swimming within mere metres of the humans. One swooped in and grabbed at the cloud of Vermacelli's hair, drifting behind her from beneath the metal contraption, tearing a hank of it from the roots.

  'That fizzpop-ing watery bitch! I'm going to poppop kill her!' the Spaghetti Sister cried.

  'I suggest fizz do so,' the Doctor agreed, drawing her rapier.

  The merpeople seemed to be taunting them, swimming just within reach to grab or yank some floating appendage or piece of clothing before swirling off again. For the humans, of course, fighting underwater was proving difficult. Even Wilburforce, usually so efficacious with his fists, was finding it hard to land a solid blow quickly or powerfully. Doctor When's rapier cut the water with its keen edge but it, too, was hampered by the slowing effect of the seawater.

  After some minutes of struggling to acquit themselves well in the situation, the Doctor's voice came through their submarinopulminators, 'I think popfizz best we make a hasty retreat. Pop-geborg isn't fizz anymore.'

  Relieved, the others followed her lead and swam warily back the way they had come. The merpeople followed, raking exposed skin with sharp chitinous claws when the opportunity presented itself. A trail of red blood hanging in their wake soon marked their passage.

  'Ah, I think we poppop go even more hastily,' the Chrononaut remarked, eyes fixed upon distant shapes growing nearer and more defined. Whereas the merpeople had merely moved shark-like, these shadows were the real thing, drawn to the scent of blood in the water.

  The merpeople noticed the threat at the same time, and turned with predatory hissing to face the large carnivores. Suddenly the water was roiling with fins and teeth in a smorgasbord of marine violence.

  In the commotion, the humans managed to drift near enough to the Time Machine, perched on a bed of nearby coral, to board its periosphere. Or rather, to attempt to – for the hatch was refusing to open. And the fight between merpeople and sharks was getting more frenetic and, more importantly, closer to where they floated.

  'You fizzfizz bloody Time Machine!' the Doctor swore. 'If you let us in popfizz I vow that once this is over you can finally have fizz a proper go at murdering me outright!' Immediately, the wheeled mechanism spun in her hands and they pulled themselves inside.

  As the hatch shut, waves of pinkened water crept through the closing gap. The periosphere drained of water with the throwing of a lever, and soon Doctor When was removing her submarinopulminator.

  'Well that was bracing,' she said, wringing out her lace cuffs. 'On to the next, shall we?'

  Back within the main body of the Time Machine, the bedraggled toughs were not feeling nearly as tough as when this chronologically-haphazard adventure had begun.

  'So how much further will we be travelling in time before we find this Ingeborg?' Vermacelli asked, rubbing the spot on her scalp where her hair had been pulled.

  'Yeah,' agreed her sister. 'Cannelloni has a point.'

  'Thank you, Tortellini,' Vermacelli-now-Cannelloni nodded curtly.

  'You're very welcome,' Rigatoni-now-Tortellini returned the gesture.

  Doctor When watched their exchange with patience, and replied, 'As long as it takes.'

  'Ahem,' Wilburforce cleared his throat politely, getting the attention of the three formidable women. 'And how will be know when we've found it/him/her?'

  'Oh, we'll know,' the Doctor proclaimed darkly. Then she turned back to her dials and before they knew it they were hurtling through time-space once more.

  Act VI: The Unhappy Polar Bear and 'I Thought It Obvious'

  This time Doctor When opened the Time Machine door without hesitation upon arrival, and a blast of hot air enveloped them. They stepped out into blinding sunlight, and for a moment they were so dazzled they could only see white. Then it became clear that they stood amongst giant white sand dunes for as far as the eye could see.

  'This is rather convenient,' the Chrononaut remarked. 'We will dry shortly, I would imagine.'

  And, indeed, their clothes began to warm immediately until the heat ensured that they were as lacking in moisture as the few sun-bleached bones scattered in the sand along their path. And after a few minutes more they all wished they were underwater with the vicious merpeople again. It was far too hot, and they were all incredibly thirsty

  'What's that?' cried Tortellini, pointing to a patch of dull green suddenly visible before them, starkly contrasting against all the pale sand.

  'An oasis?' Wilburforce wondered, having heard of such things on the rare occasions that he enjoyed a night in by the fire with tea and a good book, rather than his usual violence and mayhem.

  Their steps quickened at the thought of water, but as they approached, they first noticed that the scattered bones were becoming much less scattered and far more concentrated in number.

  'When exactly are we?' Cannelloni had the presence of mind to ask, knives in hand.

  'One thousand two hundred and forty-eight years, three months, two days, and eighteen minutes ago,' the Doctor replied.

  'And that, hiding in the shrub? What is that, exactly?'

  'That would be a polar bear.'

  'I assume that's our anomaly, then?'

  'You would be assuming correctly.'

  The polar bear was not happy. He was far too hot, most of all, but also very confused. This was not something the polar bear could easily handle, and it made him very angry. So, whenever something came his way, the odd herd of camel-like beasts or such, he released that anger in the only way he knew how: by killing things.

  So when the ragged band of humans arrived near his oasis, that instinct rose furiously within him and he immediately leapt forward. The chase made him even hotter, but he knew that quenching his thirst on their blood would make the discomfort worth it. They were slow, these two-legged beasts
, but they had a head-start. It would not take long for him to catch up, he realized, as he thundered through the sand towards them.

  It was unclear to the polar bear why these creatures were rushing towards a tall, boxy object. It had an odd smell, but it was not food nor water. One had opened a section of it, revealing an opening like the mouth of a cave. He remembered caves, those dark and cool places to sleep. But he was nearly upon them, now, and gnashed his teeth in anticipation. One was within reach, and he reached out a paw to swipe.

  But then it moved, too quickly, and the polar bear could not stop his headlong flight. Sand scattered as he was flung from his own inertia into the mouth of the strange cave and he hit the back wall with a thud.

  'Quickly now!' Doctor When closed the door of the Time Machine.

  'But, Doctor!' Tortellini exclaimed. 'The polar bear is inside!'

  'Exactly.' She opened a side-panel which revealed a miniature version of the dials and switches within. Buttons were pressed, levers were thrown, and the Time Machine seemed to implode on itself into nothing.

  The Spaghetti Sisters clung to each other, horrified. Wilburforce stood sweating from the exertion beside them, staring in shock at the place the Time Machine had vacated.

  'We're going to perish here!' Cannelloni cried, turning on the Doctor. 'What have you done?'

  Doctor When was silent and merely shook her head.

  'Have you gone mad?' she persisted.

  'I think you will find that there was no “going” about it,' the Doctor