Just Breathe

  She looks at me with a smile and asks, “What are the plans for the big birthday?”

  I shrug and smile, “I thought you and mom were in charge of that; remember I was just going to show up.”

  She pats me on the shoulder while she stands and walks to the fridge. She turns around and states, “Well I was thinking a big birthday party here at the house with all of your friends and your parents and James.”

  This surprises me a little. I was convinced she was going to lay into me about the mermaid thing. I silently vow to let her approach me about it. It is all still so confusing. I can’t decide what is true and if I mention it she might think I am crazy.

  My lips turn in a grin, “Whatever you want to do is fine because you are the guest.”

  There is a soft knock on the front door.

  I glance at her but she’s digging in the fridge. I rush to open the door and find Jack standing there with his melty smile. I feel like I haven’t seen him all day but it was really just an hour ago at school. He leans over and gives me a quick kiss.

  I pull away and whisper, “Hey, my Gam-aw is here. She was here when I came home today.”

  His eyes fade to green. Uh oh, Gam-aw here is not so good I am guessing

  He asks, “Did you mention anything to her?”

  I shake my head, “No, I thought I would let her approach the subject.”

  He nods and replies, “Good, wait for her to tell you.”

  Footsteps echo on the wooden floor gathering volume as she approaches us. Jack and I turn to look at her at the same time. I smile and grab his hand to pull him towards Gam-aw.

  “Gam-aw I would like you to meet Jack.”

  A frown crosses her face and then she smiles grabbing Jack’s other hand saying, “Well it’s a pleasure to meet you, Jack.”

  Jack grins uneasily, “The pleasure is all mine.”

  He pulls his hand slowly away from her tight grasp. The silence that follows spreads awkwardly.

  Breaking the tension I tell her, “Gam-aw, Jack and I are going to the pool for a swim. Do you need anything before we leave?”

  She looks thoughtful, “No don’t worry about me, I think I’ll do some cooking before your parents get home.”

  Jack goes out to the car to wait as I grab my stuff. Before I can make it out the door, I see Gam-aw leaning in the kitchen doorway waiting for me.

  “Ever, when you get back, we need to talk.” I nod and leave not liking the tone of her voice.

  Climbing in the car I tell Jack, “I think she suspects that I know.”

  He nods and his smile has been replaced with a miserable expression.

  Then a thought occurs to me and I inquire, “Why does my Gam-aw still remember about your, um world if she chose life on land?”

  With my question his face looks even more miserable, if that is possible.

  He stammers, “Ever, I told you before I have already told you too much. There is a reason why your Gam-aw knows about the sea and lives on land but she has to be the one to tell you everything.”

  I cross my arms frustrated with his answer but leave it at alone because obviously he’s not giving anything else up.

  The pool is glorious. Of course the glorious part isn’t the chlorine water, yuck, but Jack. I am trying to enjoy every moment with him. My birthday is fast approaching and I haven’t a clue what I will do about the choices Jack says I have to make.

  Later when I arrive home I make sure someone else will be home to avoid my Gam-aw cornering me. I don’t know why but I have a feeling that I am not going to like everything she has to tell me. As I walk in the door, dinner is about to be served which is perfect timing.

  After dinner she stuns me when she announces as we are finishing, “Ever and I are going to go for a walk, we need to catch up.”

  She winks at me. My heart drops. I am convinced that she knows for sure.

  As we leave the house she hooks her arm though mine. We start to walk down the road as the sun is setting. There is a park about three blocks down from my house so we head that way. I’m not sure Gam-aw can make it but we stay on course.

  She states as we walk, “Ever, your parents told me you took a couple of trips to the beach recently.” I nod, not sure where she is going with this.

  She asks, “What did you think?”

  “It was beautiful.” I give her a curt answer as my heart falls with each second of anticipation.

  She agrees, “Ahh, yes it is. I see too that you have a new…friend, where is that Michael? I liked him so much.”

  I explain, “Well Gam-aw, remember Michael broke up with me right after school started this year.”

  I add for good measure, “Then I met Jack. He’s, um great.”

  She nods, “I’m sure he is for what he is.”

  I stop and she turns looking at me with a knowing smile.

  Then she looks down her nose at me, “He told you already, didn’t he?”

  I squirm uneasily, “He told me some things but I was hoping you could fill me in on the parts he didn’t tell me. He won’t tell me everything.”

  She smiles, pats my hand and continues walking, “Of course he won’t because it’s my story to tell.”

  She adds in a sharp tone, “He shouldn’t even be here. He isn’t supposed to be involved with you.”

  At this point we make it to the park and I guide her to a bench so she can sit. I don’t feel like sitting but I sink down to make her feel more at ease.

  She takes my hand in hers and starts talking, “A long time ago when I was seventeen like you, I was having a hard time with school and my family. We had problems getting along. I was one of five girls. All of my sisters had something they were good at or proud of that seemed to define them. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere.”

  She takes a deep breath, “I met someone right before my eighteenth birthday. He was from the sea.” She looks off across the fields as if she is back in that time reminiscing.

  “He was wonderful and something different than anything or anyone else in my life. We started seeing each other regularly. One day he came to me and revealed what he was to me and where he was from, the sea.”

  She glances over to me to see recognition in my eyes and continues, “He explained that I could make a choice on my birthday that would allow me to be with him forever.”

  “I wrestled with the choice but when I found out about their ‘wills’ I was convinced the sea was meant for me. Their ‘wills’ really enticed me because I felt I was missing something from my life. And I loved him, or thought I did, as much as an eighteen year old can.” Our eyes meet and I look away.

  She continues, “I lived in the sea for a number of years and I was happy. I eventually married him. It was definitely a life I couldn’t complain about.”

  I interrupt her, “But what about your family? Didn’t you miss them?”

  She nods, “I did but living in the sea was like nothing else. It was something I wasn’t going to give up for my family. Every day I missed them less.”

  Her voice cracks at the next part, “But then, I surfaced one day near Santa Catalina Island, this is where your grandfather, Henry, lived at the time.”

  I think I know where this is going.

  “He saw me as soon as I surfaced, which is very rare, most of the time humans don’t spot us when we surface. You know of stories of mermaid sightings…”

  She shakes her head, “…most of them untrue.”

  “As soon as I saw him, I knew I had made the wrong decision many years before. I started surfacing regularly to meet with him. We couldn’t bear to be apart. At this point I was struggling with that choice I had made. I was a member of the world in the sea, where I had a husband and a life, but I desperately wanted to go back to the land.”

  My heart is breaking for my Gam-aw at this point. I can see the pain in her face as she tells the story.

  “The only thing I could think to do was to go to the powers of the sea and ask for a revers
al of my decision. It had never been done, once you choose the sea, you are there to stay.”

  She sighs, “I went to the powers, which is what the sea people call those who rule and enforce the laws in the sea. There are two mermaids, Metea and Mersa and a merman, Seamus. They do not budge on the laws of the sea.”

  "I was willing to try anything to be with Henry though. I begged the powers for days. Finally, they told me I would have to make a sacrifice for them to grant my request. I had to agree that if I had any children they would not be given a choice between land and sea. My children would stay on land and never learn of the life in the sea.”

  She pauses.

  “That was my trade to go back to land. I was never to speak of the sea again and I was to move far away from the ocean.”

  I realize now why she lives in Chicago.

  “I kept that promise until now.”

  She smiles and pats my hand, “The choice skipped your mom as was agreed upon but now you are about to turn eighteen and the choice will be yours.”

  I take a deep breath. I have no idea what to say.

  Her voice takes on an edge and she continues, “Ever, I am only telling you this because you must know about this choice in light of recent events. It has pained me over the years to know that this could loom over your head. If I were to go back to the time when I made the agreement with the powers, I would have taken this choice away from our family line forever.”

  I am taken aback at this point. I was convinced for a minute that she valued the choice.

  I ask still a little confused, “Why do I have the choice at all if you are from land originally?”

  Her harsh tone scares me a bit, “I made the mistake when I was able to go there. It opened up a ‘flood gate’ if you will, for our family line. If I would have stayed where I was meant to be, we wouldn’t be having this discussion.”

  Her voice turns softer, “Ever, I believe we are meant for land and we need to keep it that way. I was a young, inexperienced eighteen year old and I should have never had a choice between land and sea in the first place.” She voice trails off with finality.

  I stand up and plead, “Gam-aw, you can’t say that. I didn’t know about all of this until this month but it explains so many things about me. Like my love for the water and just who I am.”

  I add “And Jack...”

  She looks down sadly when I mention his name.

  I go on, “I don’t know what I am going to choose at this point but I am glad I have a choice.”

  She shakes her head, “Ever, you really don’t know what you are saying. Life in the sea is not meant for us. Leave everything as it is.”

  She gets up and starts to walk back to the house; her shoulders downturned as if the story took everything out of her. I follow her home without another word. I know she is done with the subject.

  When we arrive back at the house, I go straight to my room. I have so much to think about but I still have the feeling that I didn’t get the whole story. I fall asleep on top of my blanket still dressed.

  We are running while holding hands. I glance down at our hands and up into his green haunted eyes. Suddenly the cliff is in front of me as if it appeared out of thin air. We leap and I am falling, falling… ‘thud’ I am jogged awake to find myself on the floor of my bedroom. I actually fell off of my bed. At least this time Jack was still with me in the dream. I trudge downstairs for a drink and find the kitchen deserted. Good, I am not in any mood to argue with my brother.

  14

  Yellow Eyes

  Tuesday morning comes too soon and my body is dragging all through the hour. A shower makes me feel a little better and I make myself presentable for school. The prospect of seeing Jack keeps me going. When I pull the jeep into a spot, I see him walking slowly toward me. He looks a little uneasy. My guess is that he is wondering what Gam-aw told me and how I feel about it all. I actually woke up feeling pretty fine with the situation as it stands. True, I don’t know what I will choose but at least I can make a better informed decision.

  He greets me, “Good morning sunshine.” and gives me his half grin.

  I step up on my toes and touch his lips lightly with a kiss.

  He chuckles, “I guess that means you aren’t totally turned off by the sea thing.”

  I smile, “No, I am still in pondering mode.”

  He puts his arm around me and kisses my forehead, “That’s a good sign, I think.” I smile and lean into him as we walk to class.

  The day goes too fast for my liking. I can’t get enough of him so I ask him if he wants to come over and study for our upcoming history test. He quietly declines and suggests we meet at the lake for a swim. I have the feeling he is going to avoid Gam-aw at all costs. Who can blame him? I agree to meet him at four thirty.

  The lake is starting to cool down as is the weather. Today it is actually chilly but refreshing. A lot better than bathwater like it was a few weeks ago. The sight of Jack takes my breath away every time we swim. I am definitely more comfortable now with his ‘wills’ as he calls them. The lights from his hands are really amazing in the lake since it isn’t the clearest water.

  We swim and explore while watching the fish dart around the lake. I lose most of the time when we race but every once in a while I think he lets me win.

  While we are sitting in the setting rays of the sun, I joke, “So when I am a mermaid you will actually have to try to win because I will be fast.”

  He sits straight up and looks at me with worried green eyes.

  Slowly I sit up and ask, “What is it?”

  He asks sadly, “Are you going to choose the sea?”

  I can’t believe he is reacting this way. I thought that if I decided to go to the sea, it would make him happy.

  “Actually I haven’t made a decision yet but I thought you would want me to choose the sea.”

  He shakes the alarm from his expression, “Did your Gam-aw tell you everything?”

  I nod my head and shrug my shoulders, “I think so.”

  Then we hear a sound before I can elaborate any further. It’s like a gurgling and growling sound coming from behind us. We both turn around and there are two boys about our age walking toward us. They both have frowns on their faces and they are walking with a purpose. Then I notice their eyes. The same eyes I saw on the beach last weekend. Jack glances at me with an uneasy look and gets up first. He picks up a rock nearby using a ‘will’ and tosses it at the boy closest. He must have been expecting it because it breaks into a million pieces when he puts his arm up, as if to shield himself. I gasp and Jack grabs my arm.

  He pushes me toward the lake and yells, “Ever, swim.”

  I hesitate but he pushes me again. I dive into the lake and swim as fast as I can for the other bank. I slow for a moment and glance back. Jack is still standing on the sandy bank ‘willing’ objects at the two boys. They are blocking each thing and slowly inching closer to him.

  I yell, “Jack!”

  He glances at me and calls out, “Swim, Ever, and don’t look back.”

  I do what he says and swim as hard as I can. When I drag myself out of the water on the shore, I turn around to find that Jack is gone. He isn’t swimming toward me and he isn’t on the other side of the lake. The two boys are gone as well. I don’t know what to do. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to him.

  I dress as fast as I can and climb into the jeep. I steer it around the lake thankful that it’s an all- terrain vehicle. When I pull up to where the two boys were I stop and get out. The only things left are tiny rock remnants scattered everywhere. I walk around looking for him but it’s as if they all just vanished. I collapse onto the bank to cry, feeling so helpless.

  After a while dusk settles over the lake and I drag myself back to the jeep. The drive home is painfully long. There are so many more unanswered questions and at this point I know of only one person who can answer them.

  I storm into the house and search for Gam-aw. She is sprawled ou
t on a lounge chair sitting in the dark on the back porch, listening to her IPOD. I sit down next to her on the other lounge chair and take her headphones off.

  She looks up startled. But when she sees my face she asks, “What is it, Ever?”

  I spit out, “You didn’t tell me everything. Jack is missing.”

  She looks at me with a knowing calmness, pats my hand and she says, “I told you, we aren’t meant for the sea. Leave it alone and everything will work itself out.”

  I am flabbergasted. She looks away and starts to put her headphones back on, but I put my hand out to stop her and plead, “Gam-aw please help me, I… love him.”

  She sighs heavily, “I was afraid of that. Ever, you can’t love him. It is impossible for you to be together.”

  I shake my head, “Not if I choose the sea.”

  She places her hand over mine and shakes her head with a truly sad look. “Even if you choose the sea, it won’t work.”

  “But I don’t understand.”

  She looks around again then sighs as if the life has just been sucked out of her.

  She states firmly, “I wish you would just leave things alone. You will be so much better off.”

  I shake my head and tell her, “If you don’t tell me something I am going to go and look for Jack. I don’t know where. Maybe I’ll drive to the beach.”

  She looks around again and shakes her head, “Alright, here it is. When I left the sea for Henry, my sea husband, Jaspen, was furious.”

  She shakes her head and continues, “In everything there is light and dark. People living on the land can be light or dark. Animals can be light or dark. And sea people can be light or dark. Another way of seeing it is, good or evil.”

  I am completely baffled by this but I wait, hoping she is going to make a point.

  “In the sea they say Lior for light or good. Dark or evil is referred to as Erebus. The Lior and Erebus are enemies.”

  I am so confused at this point. “So Gam-aw you are telling me that there are different people under the sea?”

  She nods, “Yes they are either Lior or Erebus, light or dark. Jaspen was a Lior but he turned dark and joined the Erebus.”

  I ask hurriedly, “What does this have to do with Jack disappearing?”