Swell Foop

  "Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly.

  "Metria!"

  The demoness looked at her. "Have we met?"

  "We met your alter ego Mentia five years ago. A most seductive creature. She told us of you."

  "She would," Metria said darkly, but she was evidently satisfied. She turned to Breanna. "How are you doing?"

  "I am becoming a Mundane princess so I can associate with a white boy without getting the vigilantes on my tail."

  "I don't understand."

  "That's because you're not Mundane. I just wanted to show Mrs. Baldwin that I'm really from Xanth."

  Metria turned her gaze back to Mary. "She's really from Xanth. You have my demonly word."

  "I believe it," Mary said.

  "I'd rather have made some mischief, but Grossclout put me under strict orders. I'd better not use up any more toxic waste."

  "Any more what?" Mary asked, startled.

  "Magic dust," Breanna said quickly. "I have just about enough to make the Ring work, in case I need it."

  "See that you do," Metria said. "I want to see more of Mundania."

  Then Breanna remembered. "Actually, the Rings are self-powered. But you never can tell when some extra magic would help, away from Xanth. That reminds me: When you return to Xanth, ask Chlorine if David and Karen Baldwin of Mundania can have passes to Xanth. The family is really helping with the mission."

  "Will do." The little head fuzzed, became an even smaller figure of a bare voluptuous woman, and faded out.

  "She hasn't changed," Mary said. "Thank you for showing me."

  "I didn't know Metria was the one on duty, or that you knew her. I just wanted a demonstration."

  Mary laughed. "You said 'a little demo'! She must have taken that to mean a small demon."

  Breanna knocked her forehead with the heel of her hand. "She would!"

  "Well, I think you're ready, princess. Jim will have the e-tickets set up."

  "The what?"

  "A recent development. We no longer need physical tickets for airplanes."

  "Just as well David's going with me," Breanna said ruefully. "I'm sure not up on the latest."

  "We suspected that would be the case."

  Breanna found herself liking this family.

  Soon they took her to the airport. Sure enough, they were listed for passage. David showed his identification, and showed a blank card for Breanna. She invoked the Ring of Fire, and the demoness made it look like a valid ID. They were allowed to board the plane.

  Except that they had to wait an hour in a gradually filling waiting room. Then came an announcement: The flight was delayed half an hour.

  "Something wrong?" Breanna asked, alarmed.

  "Routine," David reassured her. "These days they figure it's an error if a flight travels on time. I hope we don't miss our connecting flight."

  "Connecting flight?"

  "On such short notice, we had to take what we could get, the zigzag express. We'll change planes in New Orleans, Dallas, Phoenix, and Los Angeles. Some of those connections are pretty tight. We'll be lucky to make our schedule."

  "Oh." Breanna wasn't pleased, but this was, after all, Mundania. She was remembering why she was glad to have left it. "Well, whatever. Just as long as we get there."

  "We'll get there. I just can't say when."

  But after half an hour, the plane was in, and they did board. Their seats were in the rear, and not together. "Maybe we can trade with someone," David said.

  "It's okay. Don't get off without me."

  He smiled. "I won't, Princess Bre."

  That was right: She was a foreign princess, garbed in black. She took her seat, which was by a window. She liked that; she always liked to see where she was going. She buckled up. There was no leg room to speak of, and hardly any hip room; she was not a large person, in fact she was on the smallish side, but she would not have cared for a tighter fit.

  A large man sat next to her. His thigh and elbow overlapped her space, and his extra bag overlapped her foot room. This was annoying, but she wasn't here to quarrel, so she bore with it.

  The plane took off and forged up into the clouds. She was fascinated; this was like being carried aloft by a roc bird! It passed through a cloud with a faint swishing sound, and emerged above it. From here the clouds were huge vertical masses of mist, rather than the pretty muffins they appeared from the ground. Unlike Xanth clouds, they were not cupshaped, with the cups filled with water; there was a more complicated mechanism for rain.

  She became aware of something. The hand of the man next to her was touching her thigh. Her voluminous dress covered it, but still his fingers were somewhat too familiar. She realized that she was stuck in this little seat, cut off from escape. She didn't want to make a bad scene, but neither did she want to be handled by a stranger.

  She lifted her Ring to her mouth. "Metria," she murmured.

  "Got it," the Ring replied in the demoness's voice.

  Breanna let her arm fall across her lap so that her left hand was on her thigh near the man's hand. She nudged it closer, without actually touching.

  In a moment his hand moved. It touched hers. A spark jumped from the Ring.

  "Goof!" the man grunted, jerking his hand away. It must have been quite a shock.

  Breanna turned wide innocent eyes on him. "Is there a problem, sir?"

  "No, no, of course not," he muttered.

  And by some odd coincidence, his hand did not stray again. "Thanks, Metria," Breanna said subvocally.

  The Ring turned warm for a moment, just a pulse of acknowledgment.

  Nut and cracker snacks were served, and drinks. Breanna enjoyed her first Mundane fizzle water in nine years. This trip really wasn't bad, so far.

  The plane made up time on the flight, and was only fifteen minutes late landing at New Orleans. Breanna rejoined David, and they got off and hurried to the gate for the flight to Dallas. They just made it. This time they had seats together. "What did you do to that guy?" he asked.

  "Just burned him with the Ring of Fire," she said. "Nothing serious."

  "I'll bet," he agreed, smiling.

  But now there was weather. The plane went around it, but then was late, and was put in a holding pattern around Dallas. By the time it landed, they were an hour late, and had missed their connecting flight.

  "We'll take the next one to Phoenix," David said.

  The clerk checked his listings. "In twelve hours."

  "Twelve hours! There should be a plane every two hours."

  "All booked solid," the man said. "You should have taken the one you were scheduled for."

  "Our plane didn't even land until that one had taken off."

  The man checked his computer listings. "True. In that case, we'll put you up for the night, compliments of MundaniAir. We like to have satisfied customers."

  "Satisfied cus-" But he broke off, for Breanna's hand was on his arm, cautioning him. "Okay. Thank you," he said insincerely.

  Actually, the hotel room wasn't bad. It was small, but had a TV set with cable and an Internet connection. "Say-can that thing reach the Xanth Xone?" she asked.

  "Sure, if you have the magic code."

  "I have it."

  He used his credit card to go online, then turned it over to her. She typed the magic code and entered the Xone. Then as an afterthought she turned to David. "Put your hand on my shoulder, so you have contact. Then you'll be there too."

  "Thanks!" He clasped her shoulder.

  A lovely woman appeared on the screen. "Why, hello, Breanna," she said. "Back so soon?"

  "Hi, Mouse Terian," Breanna said. "No, I'm calling from Mundania."

  "And who is your handsome companion?"

  "I'm David Baldwin," David said.

  "I'm sure you are." Terian gazed at him speculatively.

  "Hey-we're talking in sound!" he said, realizing.

  "We're in the Xanth Xone," Breanna reminded him. "We're in three dimensions too."

  "We sure
are," he agreed, gazing raptly at Terian's décolletage, which was somewhat more revealing than she pretended to realize.

  "I'd like to leave a message for Justin Tree," Breanna said. "Can you get it to him?"

  "Where is he now?"

  "At Castle Zombie."

  "I will relay the message there."

  "Thanks. Just tell him I'm delayed in Mundania, but I'll be back as soon as I can. Tell him not to get fresh with any zombie nymphs tonight."

  Terian smiled. "I shall." She glanced again at David, then faded out. The screen went blank.

  "Wow!" David said.

  "Don't get your hopes up," Breanna warned him. "Not only is she committed to Tristran Troll, she's a literal mouse."

  "The kind that squeaks?" he asked, astonished. "She sure looked human."

  "She assumes that form when dealing with humans. I understand her kisses are divine. But she really is a mouse. Com Passion's mouse, in fact."

  "Well, it was nice meeting her, regardless. Anytime she wants to breathe in my direction, I'll look."

  "I figured you deserved something for letting me use your connection." Breanna looked around. "I'm tired. I'd love a good shower, a meal, and a night's sleep."

  "Oops," he said.

  "OOPS?"

  "I just realized: There's only one bed. Well, I'll sleep on the floor."

  Breanna pondered half a moment. "Can you keep your hands to yourself?"

  He understood her as readily as she had understood him when he asked about seeing her panties. "Yes, when I have to. And I guess I do."

  "You do. Then we'll share the bed. I won't tell Justin, and you won't tell your mother."

  "Agreed." He glanced at the phone. "I'll make a reservation for dinner while you take your shower."

  She went into the bathroom, stripped, and got into the shower. It was a glorious experience after the day of travel. Then she grabbed a towel, rubbed herself dry, tossed it aside, and stepped into the bedroom to fetch her comb. She had left it in the bag Mary Baldwin had thoughtfully provided her, along with a change of clothing.

  David was sitting by the phone, staring at her, jaw dropped. "Oops," she repeated. "My error." She turned around and went back into the bathroom to recover the towel.

  "I'm sorry," David said, blushing. "I didn't mean to peek. I assumed you would be clothed."

  "Not your fault. I just forgot I wasn't with Justin." But as she spoke, she wondered. She was secretly rather proud of her body; she might not have the figure of a nymph or the frontal oomph of a filly centaur, but she did have the female stuff. Had she really forgotten, or had she wanted to flash him? She had flashed Justin in times past, theoretically by accident. She had flashed her panties at both Justin and Edsel two years ago, just to show Pia how it was done. This time she had given David solid frontal and backtal views. Maybe it was in her nature.

  They went to supper, and it was fun eating well in a nice setting, even if several other diners did let fly a few covert stares. It was that black/white thing, she knew; they thought they were an interracial couple. Well, tough beanbags! Let them think what they wanted.

  Back in the room, David showered while she watched the Mundane news on the television. There were wars, floods, fires, earthquakes, and some negative items. Also a piece about rescuing a lost cat.

  "Say, didn't you have a cat?" Breanna asked as David reappeared, suitably garbed.

  "Oh, I still have him. Midrange. He helped Nimby and got a pass to Xanth."

  "That's right! We helped with the magic dust at the Xanth end."

  "So now Midrange takes Tweeter to Xanth on visits. I'm sure they enjoy it. But when they return to us, they can't tell us what they did there. It's frustrating."

  "For sure." She paused, then looked at the bed. "Which side do you want?"

  "Are you sure this is-?"

  "Long as you stay on your side, I'll stay on my side."

  "Okay. I'll take the left side."

  They got into their sides and settled down for the night. Breanna really was tired, in mind more than body. She was soon asleep.

  She woke in the morning, refreshed. David was still asleep. He had stayed on his side; he hadn't cheated. She appreciated that.

  They had breakfast, then checked in, in time to catch the plane to Phoenix. This one ran on schedule, and made the connection with the flight to Los Angeles.

  The flight to Honolulu was the long hop. The airplane was large, ten seats wide, with two center aisles, a movie, and a meal. But there was an extra charge for earphones to receive the movie sound. "Is it worth it?" she asked.

  David frowned. "It's Incredible Hulk Vs. Little Shop of Horrors IV, so I doubt it. I saw the first two and didn't bother with the third. The earphones are germy too. Anyway, just looking at the screen without the sound can be just about as interesting. You can fill in your own dialogue."

  "Fine with me," she agreed.

  They watched the silenced movie. It started with a medium-small man evidently traveling somewhere. He carried a small black bag, and there was a stethoscope dangling from his neck, so he had to be a doctor. He entered a public lavatory-and there were three toughs with knives. They threatened him, wanting his money. He gave them that, but when they went after his black bag, he resisted. When he tried to escape, one caught him and threw him against the wall. They didn't even bother with the knives; they started beating on him with their fists. He was getting mauled.

  The Ring of Fire opened an eye. "Wow!" it murmured. "Some fiasco." It seemed Metria was watching too, and she probably had the right word this time.

  "This is G-rated," David remarked, disgusted. "If there's any sex, or a bad word, it's R-rated just like that, but a little healthy violence is considered okay."

  "This is Mundania," she reminded him unnecessarily.

  "That's why I want to visit Xanth again."

  "To see the nymphs and bare-breasted centaur fillies?"

  "You know it's so. If I could catch and tame a nymph-"

  "They don't have much mind. All they're good for is just one thing."

  He glanced at her. "What's your point?"

  She laughed. "I hope you catch one."

  After the doctor had taken enough of a beating, he became annoyed. Then he swelled up hugely, bursting out of his shirt, and became a giant green man. He laid about him, quickly smashing the three thugs through the walls.

  "I didn't know they had green ogres in Mundania," Breanna said, intrigued.

  "We don't. This is faked up. Wait till you see the little shop of horrors. There's a plant like a tangle tree."

  "The green against the greens," she agreed appreciatively.

  By the time the doctor got to the shop, the meal was served. The plate contained a mass of something yellowish and a sickly salad drenched in oil. Breanna tasted it and made a wry face. "What is this stuff?"

  "Inedible bulk vs. a little slop of humongous," he quipped, smiling. "Standard fare on flights."

  "Thank you so much for clarifying that. Now I can really enjoy it."

  "If you do, you'll be the first to achieve that fate."

  She had to laugh. That helped.

  When they finally reached Hawaii she was thoroughly tired of sitting, and her stomach was not at all certain that "inedible bulk" was a joke. But they set down safely.

  "I gotta get to the men's room," David said, embarrassed. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that stuff."

  "Me too," she agreed.

  They hurried to the rest rooms and took the separate doors. Breanna finished her business efficiently and stood, looking for the flush handle on the toilet. There was none. She stood-and the toilet flushed of its own accord, startling her. There must be a little magic in Mundania after all.

  She washed at a sink, the water flowing the moment her hands came near and stopping when they were removed. Definitely magic!

  The Ring warmed. Breanna put it to her ear. "Yes?"

  "David's in trouble in the men's room," Metria said.

 
"I can't do that particular thing for him."

  "Robbers. Like the movie."

  Oh. And David couldn't turn into a green ogre. "Can you help?"

  "If you touch the Ring to someone. But I don't have a lot of power. Better to save it if possible."

  "Okay." Breanna dashed out of the women's room and into the men's room, heedless of propriety, her mind whirling. By the time she made the scene she had a crude plan. She would have to make like the green ogre, in her fashion. She opened her black robe partway and flounced out her hair, forming a wild expression. She knew she didn't look much like a maenad, one of the killer wild women of Mount Parnassus who ripped men apart and drink their blood, but this was the best she could do, on short notice.

  Two big men had David backed up against the wall so that he couldn't escape. It was clear that if he didn't give up his wallet soon, he would lose more than that.

  "There you are!" Breanna cried, pushing by the nearer man to reach David. "What do you mean, keeping me waiting like that?" She slapped him resoundingly across the cheek, glaring balefully around. The men were staring, amazed to see her in this room. "But I'll forgive you this time." She grabbed his head and planted a hot kiss on his mouth. "Now come on; we've got business ahead." She took him by the hand and headed for the door, hauling him along.

  By the time the two toughs finished staring, the travelers were back in the main concourse, safe from further molestation. "You're a wonder," David said shakily.

  "I had to get you out of there before you lost your credit card," she said. "I still need your help."

  "That too."

  She laughed. "Kisses you can have. Just not the rest."

  "Yeah." But she suspected that he had a certain hankering for the rest too. That pleased her. It was illicit fun impressing an impressionable boy.

  "Now to zero in on Jaylin," she said briskly.

  "What's her address?"

  "I don't have that."

  He stopped walking. "You what?"

  "The dream vision didn't give that detail. But we know it's Hawaii. She's here somewhere."

  "Breanna, there are tens of thousands of people here! We need an address."

  "No we don't." She lifted the Ring of Fire. "Which direction?"

  David looked halfway fit to be tied.

  A little arrow speared out from the Ring, pointing the direction. "That way," Breanna said.