The True Tale of the Monster Billy Dean: Telt by Himself

  This is the tym I first tuchd his woonds. He held his left hand befor me. It had the first & second finga missin from it. He poynted with his thum to the curvd scar abuv his rite eye. And he drew me close to him & he took my yung fingas & told me to tuch the scar wer his fingas used to be. And I did & I remember the smoothnes & softnes of it.

  This is new skin, he told me. Its skin as new as you yorself Billy. Its skin that started to be formd on the day of destrucshon the day of yor birth.

  And he put my fingas to the ridj of skin abuv his eye as wel. He giyded me acros the scars.

  Tuch jently Billy, he said. Can you feel?

  Yes Daddy.

  Can you imajin?

  Imajin what Daddy?

  Imajin what cud do a thing like this?

  I lookd into his eyes. He smyld & shook his hed.

  Of cors you cant he wisperd. These marks are the marks of evil dun by men. And you no nothing of such things. Do you?

  No, I anserd.

  No. Of cors you dont.

  Sudenly my hed began to reel & the hole room seemd to reel & I staggerd & fel down towards the flor & I herd a howlin that seemd from far far off but also from sumwer deep deep insyd & ther came suden gasps & littl crys & thumps & thuds & much comoshon insyd myself. It wos like evrything wos fallin like evrything insyd cud brake apart. And I felt my throte begin to gasp & my tung begin to flap & my mowth gaypd oapen & I calld owt in a voys that wos nothin like my own O help me help me help me!

  Then just darkness silens stilness emtiness.

  Then I cum owt of it.

  I wos flat owt on the flor & Dad & Mam wer neelin at my syd. I saw the fere in Mams eyes & herd the fere in her voys as she gaspd owt Billy! Billy! and leend down to me & cuddld me.

  He pulld her off.

  Dont he said. Its my folt. I shudnt hav scaird you shud I son?

  He grinnd down at me.

  And the good news is that Daddy survivd, he said. Thats good isnt it?

  Yes, I wisperd.

  And that Mammy surviyvd & so did you. Isnt that good Billy?

  Yes, I wisperd.

  Yes. So dont let thees littl woonds worry you. Ther just mementos of the day of doom. And yes ther woonds but ther also blesings becos they helpd us understand the naycher of the world & of the evil in the world.

  And he drew me from the flor & sat me on the sofa at his side. And I rememba how he leend bak then & smoakd agen & put the sigaret within the fingas that wer left on his left hand & held them up lyk he wos doin a littl dans with them lyk he wos doin a littl trik.

  He waggld the sigaret befor Mam til she giggld & bit & bit her lips & nujd me & started me gigglin too.

  You must resist arl evil, my son, Dad said as he breethd his smoak across us. We are brout into the world to heal woonds not to make them.

  He took my fingers agen & put them to his scars.

  Go on Billy, he said. Tel them to heal.

  He grinnd & winkd. He told me agen to tel them to heal.

  You can do it, he said.

  I tuchd jently. I took a depe breth & closd my eyes & put my hart & sole into my wisperd words.

  H-heal, I said. Plees h-heal my Daddy.

  I said it agen agen agen. At last he gaspd.

  Youve dun it, Billy! he cryd.

  I opend my eyes. I hadnt of cors.

  Wel you nerly did, he said as he stubbd owt his sigaret.

  It ended as it always ended. They kissd me then they went owt together throu the dore & left me.

  I lay on my bed & the stars shon down on me.

  I herd gasps & crys. I herd ther laffin & growlin throu the warls. I herd Mam callin his naym and him callin hers.

  Wilfred! O Wilfred.

  Veronica! Veronica!

  I left the bed & pressd my ear to the wall tryin to get cloaser cloaser tryin to understand the mistry of it pressin so hard that I thort the wall or my hed wud brake. Pressd my hole body to the warl so hard that I thort that I must brake throu & enter it & sumhow get insyd it & fynd them ther just behynd the pitchers & the cracks.

  And fel asleep ther at the foot of the wall agenst the skirtin bord. Slept with the sents of him on me & the fele of his strong body on me & the tuch of his woonds on my fingers & his depe voys runnin throu evry part of me.

  As it dus now. As it runs throu me now & as it always wil. His presens & his voys & evry part of him wil stay within me always & be always in the world I see & no.

  And O the stars. The nite we lay beneeth the stars. The nite we gayzd together throu the littl windo to the sky.

  I lovd that windo. I new arl the colors arl the chaynjes. Day becomin nite & nite becomin day & dawn & dusk & the blues the reds the pinks the blacks. The shapes of the clowds & the pattens of the stars & sunlite & moonlite & the way one tym the moon wos like a shinin fays & another tym like a curvin nife. I loved the splashing rane the fallin snow the days wen there wos frost & ice on the windo & the lite came in all jagged & sparkly & sharp.

  He caym to me alone that nite. He telt me hed bene travellin for meny howers to get here this nite & as he travelld he had becum astonishd by the sky abuv Blinkbonny. He took my hand & telt me to lie down with him on the flowery carpet on the flore.

  He telt me to look upward.

  He took my hand in his & poynted up with both our hands into the glitterin nite.

  Choos a singl star & look at it, he said.

  I did this tho I cud hardly consentrate for the exitement of bein ther with him so cloas to him.

  Hav you dun that Billy?

  Yes Daddy.

  How big is it? he wisperd.

  Tiny Daddy.

  Thats rite. Now cova it with yor finga. Blok it owt. See how it can be blokd owt by the littl finga of a littl boy in a littl room?

  Yes Daddy.

  Yes. So how big is it? Is it smarler than a littl boys finga?

  Yes Daddy.

  He laffd softly. He lit a blak sigaret.

  No, he said. That star & arl the stars you see are biger than this room & biger than the world itself. A millyon of thees rooms & a millyon millyon Billys cud fit into a singl star.

  How can that be? I said.

  Its cos ther far away Billy. Its cos the yoonivers is so immens & wer so tiny. Its cos God mayd it so.

  I lay ther wotchin. How cud they be so big and fit into such a littl windo? How cud they fit into my eyes? How cud they fit into my littl hed? I wunderd further. Wot did far away mene? Wot wos millyons and millyons?

  I felt him warm agenst me and herd the bumpin of his hart. I held my body close to him wantin to feel the strenth of him & wantin him to never go away wantin him to stay foreva with me ther belo the stars.

  He poynted agen & traysd his finga over them.

  Some folk say they see the shayps of aynshent gods up there, he said.

  Do they Dad?

  Aye. They say they can see men & women & beests like crabs & bulls & bears.

  Do they Dad?

  Aye. And horses with wings.

  Then he wos sylent. He stard he smoakd he siyed. I shifted cloaser to him til my hed wos tuchin his. I recal how my own hed reeld to be so close to his how I wos filld with the wunda of the nite and of his hed that seemd as hyuj & misteryous as the nite & I wanted to pres my hed agenst his hed to get insyd it to sumhow be insyd it.

  He shifted a bit away from me.

  He wisperd that he must go to my muther now.

  Wots crabs & buls & bares, Dad? I said.

  He groand.

  Wots millyons & millyons, I said. Whats far away?

  He groand agen. He turnd away and started to stand up.

  Ill explane, he said. Ill fynd a way to show you.

  He wos standin up.

  O Billy wot we dun to you? he said.

  Dont no, Dad. Nothin, Dad.

  O wot a sin we dun, Billy Dean!

  Horses with wings, I said. Like the birds ye mean?

  Aye, Billy, he said. Like the birds.

  I dint want him to go.
/>
  And wil I see them throu the windo lyk the birds. But whats a hors? Wher you gowin Dad? Dont leev me Dad.

  He went to the door were I cudnt follo. He turnd & staird bak at me.

  What we dun? he groand agen.

  Then closd the dore & went to my Mam & left me with the mistry of the stars & the beests & the mistry of the syz of things & the mistry of what had been dun to Billy Dean.

  Mebbe it wos soon after the nite abowt the stars that he brout the wooden box of beests for me. He put it on the flor and telt me to neel down ther besyd him.

  Go on Billy, said Mam.

  She stayd sittin on the sofa watchin.

  I nelt down by my Dad.

  Wotch, he said.

  He slowly lifted the lid of the box and ther they wer. Plastic munkys wooden horses steel gorillas wooden cows & pigs & sheep & plastic birds & spidas worms & snayks & wooden elefants & rinos camels wales & dolphins. We lifted them arl owt. I rememba the fele of them on my tremblin fingas. I let them roll across my parms I fingerd them I held them tite. I felt the smoothnes of the skin & the ruffness of the tales & manes the sharpness of teeth & tusks & claws. Mam clappd her hands & said how byutiful they wer & how kind my father wos & wot a lucky boy I wos.

  These ar the beests, said Dad.

  He giv them ther names 1 by 1 by 1. He held them befor my eyes and said this 1 is carld suchandsuch & this 1 is a suchandsuch & this 1 is another kind of suchandsuch. He wonted me to rememba of cors and he kept sayin, So wich 1 is this, Billy, and wich 1 is this and do you rememba the naym of this?

  I wos hoapless. That first nite I think I got just the 3 correct —monky & wulf & rat tho I did kepe mixin rat up with mows.

  Never mynd, he said. Tayk yor tym, son. Youll lern.

  It wos such a laff that nite. He went rownd the room lyk the animals hoppin & crawlin & runnin & flappin. He mayd the sownds of the beests for me. He telt me to copy him & to do the animals with him.

  Cum on Billy, he said. Joyn in with yor Dad.

  At first I wos ded shy.

  Be brayve, Billy, said Mam Yor lyk a littl mows yorself. Joyn in with yor Daddy. Go on son.

  So I did. I tuk a deep breth then mayd a little grunt & soon enuf I wos getting reely stuk into it. I poynted my fingers up like horns & flappd my arms like wings and dangld them lyk trunks. It just felt bliddy grate. Wos 1 of the best things Id dun in my hole lyf.

  Miaow miaow! I went. Woof woof! Hoot hoot! Baa baa! Moo moo! Oink oink!

  Mam giggld & said what a pare of crakpots we wer wich just mayd us do it lowder and noysyer.

  Afterwads we stood the beasts upon the carpet on the red and blue & yello flowers ther. We arl lookd down at them & we wer very glad.

  Its how things wer at the start of tym, said Dad. God mayd the world. Then he mayd the beests.

  I did a littl grunt & a little bark. I hoppd lyk a beest wud.

  Did I mayk a good beest, Dad, I said.

  Aye, son, he said. Very good indeed.

  Then he went very qwiet as he watchd me.

  But you must remember, he said. You ar not a beest. You are a human bein & a boy.

  OK, Dad.

  The beests are lyk us but are not lyk us. God made us afterwards. He gave us intelligens, and he giv us a sole to make us speshal and separat. You must remember that Billy. Will you remember?

  Yes Dad.

  Good. Those who forget this ar the wons who becum monsters. And you dont want to be a monster do you Billy?

  No Dad, I said tho I didnt reely hav a clew what he wos on abowt.

  Good boy. Ther is a deep separayshon between the beests & us. We hav a Godgiven sole & the freedom to choos good or to choos evil. Dont we?

  Yes Dad.

  Yes. And we must choos goodness mustnt we Billy?

  Yes Dad.

  Yes. Sumtyms the world seems filld with evil. But if we look close enuf we wil fynd that ther is goodness at the hart of evrything.

  Of evrything? I said.

  Yes Billy. Evrything. At the hart of you & me & of Mam & of the world & yoonivers itself. God made it so.

  He lifted a rat.

  Wots this? he said.

  A mows? I said.

  He lifted a dog.

  A cat? I sed.

  He smild. But ther wos sadness in his smyl.

  Billy Dean, he siyed.

  He lifted a snake & pointed it at my fays.

  Hiss, he went. Hisssss. Hisssss.

  And he sqeezd the snayks mowth so that the fangs poppd owt and he smiled as he pressd them on my cheek.

  Wot games we playd them beests & me! Day after day & nite after nite I went on crawlin hoppin hootin skweekin. Im sure that I got the sownds & moovments rong that I gayv the rong names to the rong beests and mixd up things that crawl with things that fly & things that sing with things that growl & things that kill with things that die. But to me on my own in my own littl room it dint matter at arl. If I cudnt rememba a name I invented it. If I cudnt rememba a sownd I created it. So in among the munkys & mise & cats there wos dongas & plaps & boofs & placks. Ther wos noyses like massiv screems of payn & sownds lyk giggly wispas & ther wer weard streems of sensless words yelld up towards the windo to the sky. And the beests flappd & jumpd but they also shiverd & trembld & lurchd & floppd & flinchd.

  Sum days I wos in among them lyk I wos reely won of them. I wos a beest naymd Billy Dean alongsyd a beest calld Gorilla & another with the naym of Kangaroo. And sumtyms I wos so much a beest that I forgot arl abowt bein human. It wos lyk my brane & sole wud disappea. I wud fynd myself lyin on the flor like Id bene asleep like evrythin Id bene doin had been sumthin in a dream. And I wunderd if this wos what Dad ment abowt monsters & if this wos a sine that I wos becomin 1. And I wunderd if I shud wurry abowt this & try to chaynj it but I cudnt chaynj it & it went on happening. & ther seemd no harm in it. It seemd to bring me closer to the mise & birds as wel as closer to the beests from the box. And if truth be told I lovd the feelin of loosin myself & of becomin sumthin els sumthin straynjer sumthin wylder sumthin that seemd much mor strong & bold than littl Billy Dean.

  And enyway on other days I wos the proper Billy Dean. I wos a boy a human bein a thing that stood up on 2 legs a thing that spoak owt words a thing that dressd in clowths & had its hare arl cut & cowmd.

  On days like this I stood the beests in orda on the carpet & telt them to settl down & lissen. I telt them stories abowt myself & my lyf & my mam & my dad. I telt them tales of God & Hansel & Gretel & of jurnys thru the wood & the wildaness. I showd them the birds at the windo & the mise that cum owt the warls. I telt them this wos the world. I telt them that ther wos a thing calld Blinkbonny beyond the warls. I telt them ther wos beests like them of flesh & blood that flew in the sky & warkd on the erth. I showd them the stars & said that the stars went on foreva. I telt them that stars as big as the world cud fit into the brane. I telt them ther wos goodness at the hart of evrything.

  Sum days I stud up very tarl & lookd down upon them and telt them I wos God.

  Sum days wen I wos God I smyld swetely.

  You hav bene very gud beests, I wud say. And I am very pleesd with you. Wel dun.

  But on other days I wud get cross.

  I am very unhappy with you, I wud say. You have bene very very wicked & you must chaynj yor ways.

  Sum days I wos reely cross.

  I have had enuf! If you do not improov I wil reek venjens!

  Sum days it wos even wors.

  Rite! I wud say. This tym I wil destroy you arl!

  And I wud start hittin & kickin them & hoyin them rownd the room so they bownsd off the warls & tumbld across the carpet.

  See! I wud say. See wot you have brung down upon yorselvs!

  It is yor own folt! I wud yell.

  Ther wos always 1 that I wud sayv, that I wud not hit or kik or hoy. It mite be gorilla it mite be hors it dint reely matter. I wud lift them up tenderly after all ther frends wer gon.

  I hav sayvd you, I wud say, becos you ar the best of beest
s.

  Afterwards I wud gather arl the beests agen & tel them that my anga had been apeesd & that I had desided to start everything agen.

  Wons I had a fludd. I put arl the beests in the bath. I put the plug in the plughole. I said if they did not change ther ways I wud turn the taps on and ther wud be a deluje and arl of them wud drown.

  Hav you got enythin to say? I said.

  I wayted. Non of them said enythin.

  Will you change yor ways? I said.

  Not 1 of them said enythin.

  Ar you sorry?

  Not a singl 1 of them said anythin.

  I said to a jiraff — tho it mite have bene a elefant, You ar the only good 1 in the hole wide world. I wil sayv you. You must bild a nark and flote upon the waters til the fludd is gon.

  Then I put the jiraff or elefant in a plastic cup that Mam used for rinsing my hare. I put my hand on the tap.

  You have brung it upon yorselvs! I said.

  And I turnd on the taps & the bath filld up & evry beest exept the jiraff wos drowned.

  Afterwards wen I wos dryin all the beests with a towel & a spuggy wos lookin down throu the windo to the sky I started cryin very hard.

  I am sory I said. I wil never do this agen. Never. I promis.

  And wen I went to bed that nite I put them arl in the bed with me & I told the tale of Rapunzel in her towa & her long long hare.

  Ther wos the maykin life game. In this I wos even mor like God. It workd best deep at nite when the moon was shinin in the sky.

  I must hav bene 8 or 9 wen I started doin it.

  I wud lift 1 of the beests to my lips & wisper that it wos tym for it to cum to life. I wud wisper that I was puttin a spirit & intellijens into it.

  I wud wisper meny words like Moov littl beest breeth littl beest. You are no longa a thing of stone or plastic or wood. You ar abowt to becum a livin thing. Lissen to the words of Billy Dean & reseev the gift of life.