Complicate Me

  “I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry for everything I ever put you through. Everything I ever did. I have no excuses for it, but I need to apologize. There were so many times I thought about picking up the phone and calling you, or just showing up on your doorstep. I can’t take any of it back, though. I love my son. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I’m sorry I hurt you in the process, I can’t say that enough.” He kissed the top of my head like he had done thousands of times before.

  A part of me had been waiting for this moment. I had wanted it, needed it even. Here I was with his arms around me and it didn’t make things any less complicated. My feelings toward him hadn’t changed. I was beginning to think they never would.

  “I love you. I’ll always love you,” he murmured so low I could barely hear it.

  “I know…” and I did. I pulled away from him but didn’t look him in the eyes as he stepped aside for me. I walked to the door but faltered even though everything in my body told me to flee.

  “Everything happens for a reason, Bo,” I stated, walking out of the room, whispering, “I will always love you, too,” but not loud enough for him to hear.

  I made my way to the bathroom, needing to splash some cold water on my face. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I felt guilty about my lingering feelings toward Lucas. I thought with time they would go away, they hadn’t, but that didn’t take away my love for Cole.

  Lucas was my past.

  Cole was my future.

  Plain and simple.

  I took a deep breath, looking down the hall to make sure Lucas was gone before heading to Lily’s room. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I opened the door.

  Lily and Jacob.

  Jacob and Lily.

  K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

  “Holy shit!” I cussed with my mouth wide open.

  They immediately stepped away from each other, both of their hands in the air.

  “Oh my God! Lucas is going to kill you. He’s going to murder you and hide the body. I’m going to know about it, I’m going to be an accomplice!” I shouted.

  “Shhh...” Jacob hushed, pulling me inside and shutting the door behind him. “It’s not what you think.”

  “Not what I think? Did I not just walk in on you kissing Lucas’s baby sister? His sixteen-year-old sister! Oh my God, Jacob, you’re twenty-three! You could go to jail. Please tell me that’s all you guys are doing!”

  “Shhh… calm down, someone will hear you,” he silenced again.

  “That’s what you’re concerned about?!”

  “Alex, I love him,” Lily chimed in, grabbing my arm to look at her. “I’ve always loved him.”

  “Lillian, stop saying that. You don’t know what you’re saying. You don’t even know what that means,” he ordered in a demanding tone like this wasn’t the first time he had heard it.

  “You love me, too! You just can’t say it out loud,” she replied, ready for battle.

  This was all too much for me. I had to sit down before my legs gave out from under me.

  “Stop! I mean it,” he urged in a desperate voice.

  “Stop what? The truth? You wouldn’t keep kissing me if you didn’t love me. Who cares about our ages, it’s just a fucking number.”

  “Watch your mouth,” he demanded with a finger out in front of him.

  “Screw you! You’re not my dad. I’m not a child.”

  “Then stop fucking acting like one.”

  “Oh my God.” The realization hit me. “She’s the girl, isn’t she? The one from last spring break? Jesus, how long has this been going on?” I asked, my wide eyes going back and forth between them.

  “Nothing. Is. Going. On,” Jacob gritted out.

  “Stop. Saying. That.” Lily clenched her fists at her sides, looking from him to me. “Why are you looking at us like that? You more than anyone should understand this.”

  I immediately stood. “Me?” I argued. “What do I have to do with any of this?”

  “You!” She pointed at me. “You love my brother, my brother loves you. You have loved each other since you were kids! The only reason you’re not together is because everyone else won’t mind their own goddamn business and just let it be. You would think you’re related or something. It’s so fucking stupid!”

  “Lillian, watch your mouth,” Jacob scolded.

  “Oh my God, fuck you! Are you going to stand there and pretend you’re not one of the main reasons they aren’t together? You have been butting into their business since the beginning. You all have. I’m over it. It’s stupid. They love each other, exactly the way we do! Except you can’t get over the fact that I’m Lucas’s sister. Who cares? I don’t and neither should you.”

  I shook my head, stepping back.

  “You more than anyone can understand what it’s like, Alex. Please don’t stand there and be all judgmental, age is just a number. I’ve grown up with these boys as much as you have. It’s not like he's old enough to be my father or anything, now that would be gross.”

  “Lily, it’s against the law,” I reminded.

  “Fuck the law,” she let out.

  Jacob was over to her in two strides. “I will not tell you again. Watch your fucking mouth.”

  She put her hands up in the air. “You know what, you two can stay in here and wallow in all this negative energy. I’m not going to stand by and allow it to effect me. I know you’ll come find me, Jacob, because you LOVE me! So let’s see who’s right and who’s wrong. I guarantee you that I won't be waiting long, stew on that for a little bit.” She turned and left.

  I sat down again, resting my elbows on my legs and laying my head in my hands. Neither one of us said anything for the longest time. My head hammered with the silence. I thought back on all the times I saw her take his ball cap off his head and one day he just started putting it on her himself. It was such a meaningless gesture but it seemed to be significant to them.

  “I don’t know how it happened, Alex. I swear to God I don’t. One second she’s five years old running around in pigtails and then the next she’s sixteen. I tried. I tried like hell to ignore it. To ignore her, but you know Lily, she does what she wants, exactly like her brother. After your accident, she started opening up to me, and I let her because she was a kid and she needed a friend. I liked being around her, she reminded me so much of you. I don’t fucking know,” he sighed.

  “Have you?”

  “Fuck. No. All we do is kiss and that sounds a lot worse than it is. We’ve kissed a few times and it didn’t start till her sixteenth birthday. I swear to God that girl is like a tornado and I can’t help but be sucked in.”

  I raised my eyes, blown away from his analogy, it being so close to mine for Lucas.

  “I just turned twenty-three and she’s going to be seventeen soon. I know that doesn’t make it any better, I know it doesn’t make it right. Fuck, Half-Pint, she’s not wrong. I think I’m in love with her, how fucked up is that?”

  I watched him pace around the room until he finally stopped and sat down in the desk chair, facing me, hunched forward with his arms on his legs.

  “I have no idea what to say,” I softly said.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. All these years, all I’ve ever done is… I mean… with Lucas and you… I just. Fuck… this is my fucking karma.”

  I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

  “I know, you don’t have to say it. I know.”

  “Does anyone know?”

  “Of course not.”

  “What are you doing in her room? You know that could have been Lucas walking in here. Do you have any idea how bad he’s going to beat you for this? Oh my God, Jacob, he’s going to murder you.”

  He lowered his eyes and peered at the ground, rubbing his hair back and forth like he wanted to tear it out. “I know. You have no idea how many nights I’ve lost sleep because of this. I need to get away from her. It’s one of the reasons I’m applying to law school so far away. I need to put dis
tance between us.”

  “Does she know?”

  He shook his head.

  “Oh man…”

  “I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. This is the only thing I can do to make things right.”

  “She’s going to hate you.”

  “It is what it is, I can’t keep leading her on like this. I am sending mixed signals all the time, but I can’t help it. I can’t explain it either.”

  “You don’t have to. I understand.”

  “Half-Pint, it was never about you. It was Lucas. None of us thought he was right for you. You deserve, you deserve someone like Cole.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry if I ever influenced anything that caused you pain. I love you.”

  I nodded. “I know. Everything happens for a reason,” I found myself saying again.

  “You’re not going to tell—”

  “I promise… but if this shit hits the fan, because it’s eventually going to, I’m going to claim I didn’t know anything. I'll pretend to be just as surprised as everyone else.”

  He laughed and stood. “I’m going to—”

  “Go.”

  When he left, I realized Lily was right. It didn’t take long for him to go after her.

  Proving that he really did love her.

  After all.

  “Dad, I come to work with you, tay?”

  “Hmm, I think you’re still too small, bud.”

  “I not small.”

  “No, you’re not small. You’re a big boy now. Momma is on her way here. Oh! I think that’s her at the door.”

  “Momma!” he shouted, running on his chubby little legs to the door.

  “Mase!” I warned, coming up behind him.

  “I know, I know. Who dis?” he asked through the door.

  “It’s me, baby,” Stacey announced on the other side.

  “It’s Momma,” he nodded like he told me so.

  I helped him open the door and he jumped into her arms.

  “Oh, little man, you are getting heavy, I’m not going to be able to carry you soon.”

  “Momma,” he giggled into her neck, making us both laugh.

  “Okay, okay, I’ll carry you as long as you want.”

  “Come on in.”

  “Your condo is always so clean, Lucas.”

  “It helps when you have a cleaning lady.”

  “Only you could say that and make it sound sexy.” She placed Mason on the ground and he took off running toward his room. I knew he wanted to show her the picture that he drew earlier.

  “Want a drink?” I offered.

  “Sure. I’ll take a water if you’re offering.”

  “Water?” I arched an eyebrow. “What happened to the beer drinking girl I used to know?”

  “She had a baby and grew up.”

  I handed her bottled water, grabbing one for myself. We walked out onto the patio as the sunset loomed on the horizon, which always made for a scenic panoramic view over the water.

  “This view is so breathtaking. It’s been a nice, calm summer. I still have a hard time believing Mason’s already three. He’s grown up so fast.”

  I nodded, understanding. Not much had changed in the last two years. My company flourished which seemed to happen overnight. I rented a warehouse in South Port where I designed a few kitchen and bathroom mock-ups for potential clients, and my office manager did an amazing job running things so I could still get my hands dirty. I had several project managers that handled multiple developments, but I couldn’t sit behind a desk for more than a few hours without going stir crazy. I belonged in the field and I think my employees appreciated the modesty of it.

  The only thing that really changed over the last two years was my mom’s health. It disintegrated with each passing day. She hated hospitals and refused to be admitted into a hospice. My dad hired a few nurses that helped when we had to work and couldn’t tend to her. It started to get harder though, as much as we tried to ignore it. We knew the end might be near soon.

  Alex never moved back home after she graduated from college. Last I heard from Jacob was that she and Cole moved in together. They were renting a house on the beach in California, near Berkley, the law school he attended. I saw her a few times here and there, but we only exchanged a few words, nothing more than standard conversations.

  She looked happy.

  She seemed happy.

  Jacob attended Stanford law school out in California, too, so he saw Alex every so often or so he said. He didn’t come home much. School and his internship took up most of his time. He was in a relationship with a girl named Beth that I hadn’t met yet. Though he thought about bringing her home for the holidays in the next few months. Dylan was in training for Special Ops and we got together every few weeks to shoot the shit. He dated some girls on and off but nothing serious, I think work took up most of his time and I believed that’s the way he wanted it. Now Austin, no one had seen or talked to him in years, other than his parents and those phone calls were few and far between.

  “Whatcha thinkin’ about over there?” Stacey asked, nudging me with her shoulder.

  “Not much.”

  “When was the last time you surfed, Lucas?”

  “Hmm…” I glanced at her.

  “Surfing? When was the last time you hit the waves?”

  “Oh.” It took me a minute to think about it. “God, years probably.”

  “You worry me, between work, Mason, and your mom, that’s all you do. It’s not healthy. When’s the last time you did something for yourself?”

  “I spent most of my life thinking about me and it got me nowhere. It’s probably a good thing that I take a step back from that.”

  “Maybe a step back. Not miles upon miles.”

  “I could say the same thing about you.”

  “Yeah… about that… I uh… I’m sort of seeing someone.”

  “Really?” I replied, taken aback.

  “It’s new. He came into the office for some therapy. He’s the new soccer coach over at the high school, he moved here from Florida.”

  After Stacey had Mason, she went back to school and became an occupational therapist assistant. She said she wanted to do something with her life, for Mason. He needed it and so did she. My dad helped her find a position with one of his physician friends.

  I barely recognized her most days she changed so much.

  “He’s nice, but I don’t want to read too much into it. Just in case.”

  “I understand.”

  “You know, I used to think we would end up together.”

  I eyed her with caution. “Stacey…”

  “I know. I’m not saying that I still expect that or anything, but a huge part of me wanted it to happen. I hope you don’t hate me for what I’m about to tell you. That night at the bar, I wanted to be with you. I knew you were drunk, I knew you were hurting.” She bowed her head. “I wasn’t that drunk. I wish I could tell you that I regret it, that I’m sorry for trapping you but I’m not. Not even a little and that may make me a horrible person, but Mason saved me. I wouldn’t give him up for anything in the world.”

  I looked back over at the water, contemplating what to say to her. I wasn’t surprised by what she admitted. She didn’t have to tell me that, I already knew. I had known since the moment she showed me the positive pregnancy stick. I never thought she would actually admit it, though. I guess it showed how much she had really grown up. She was right about Mason he did save her and in a way he saved me, too. He stopped my hurricane, or maybe he was the quiet before the storm. Whatever it might be, he paused the chaos around me, and for that I would always be grateful to her.

  “You know we’ve known each other since seventh grade? Ten years. I can honestly say that I’ve seen you at your worst and I’ve seen you at your best. You’re an amazing mother. Mason is lucky to have you. We share a lot of memories, some of them better than others, but you’re
not the same person you were four years ago. I do care about you, Stacey, and that’s not just because you’re the mother of my child.”

  She raised her eyes, placing her arms on the railing to look out at the same view I was.

  “For what it's worth, I was really fucked up back then. I used my body to get attention and Jesus did I get attention. Growing up I thought I was in love with you and now realize it was more that I wanted what you had with Alex. What she had with all of you. I’m sorry if I fucked that up for you.”

  “It takes two to tango. And fuck, did we tango.”

  She laughed. “We were really good at it.”

  I laughed with her. “That we were.”

  “Do you miss her?”

  I didn’t falter. “Every day.”

  “I bet she misses you, too. She doesn’t look at him the way she looked at you. The way she still looks at you. You know she sends Mason stuff all the time.

  “What?”

  “Yeah. She umm, stops by every time she’s in town. She came with Cole once and I could tell he didn’t like that she was there to see your son. She didn’t let it bother her, though.”

  “When was this?”

  “Last time she was in town.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “She asked me not to.”

  My eyebrows rose, completely caught off guard.

  “Your mom sends her pictures frequently, Lucas, and she’s been doing that since he was born.”

  My mouth dropped open. “My mom… she’s never…” My mind couldn’t keep up with the emotions that soared through me.

  “Mason really loves her, but I got to get him home, it’s time for his bath. I don’t want to get him off his routine.”

  “Okay.” I followed her inside and to her car, buckling in Mason and kissing his head goodbye.

  That night when I laid in bed I thought about everything Stacey had shared. I wanted to be happy, but something in my heart wouldn’t let me and I would find out soon enough what that was.