Star

  "Of course, my mother thinks that's terrible," Misty continued. "She has this list of foods she pinned on the wall in the kitchen. She calls it her Ten Most Wanted No-Nos because they will wreak havoc on your complexion and make you fat. Pizza is at the top of the list," she said, and bit into her piece with added pleasure.

  "Momma gave my brother Rodney leftover pizza for breakfast sometimes," I said.

  "You're kidding. For breakfast? Did she at least give him a daily vitamin?" Misty asked.

  I looked at her as if she was crazy.

  "You look pretty good. What's your brother's health like?" Jade asked.

  Doctor Marlowe sat back and ate her piece quietly with a tight smile on her lips. It made me feel like we were all being taped for some psychological study she was doing.

  "Granny calls him a beanpole. He's almost as tall as I am already. He looks like my daddy more than he does Momma. He's a good boy, shy and quiet, too quiet for his teachers. He's not doing so good in school:'

  "Well," Jade corrected.

  "What?"

  "He's not doing so well in school."

  "Yes, Miss Perfect," I said. "He's not doing so well. Maybe, if you got the time, you can come over and tutor my brother."

  Cat stopped chewing and looked from Jade to me, anticipating more nasty words.

  "I'm sorry," Jade said. "It's a habit, correcting people. When I do it to my mother, she gets all flustered. And maybe I will," she added.

  "Will what?" Misty asked.

  "Tutor her brother. I've done it in school as part of the Big Sister program."

  "Sure," I said. "Only, I won't hold my breath."

  "People do help each other sometimes," Jade said, "no matter what you think."

  "Right," I said. "Look how much we're already helping each other?'

  She smirked. Maybe we couldn't be friends after all, I thought. Maybe we were what Granny called Momma and Daddy: Oil and Water.

  "I hope you girls will eat all this. I don't want to have it in the house. It's too tempting," Doctor Marlowe said. She looked at Cat, who was

  encouraged to take a real bite.

  "Where's Emma today?" Misty asked. I wondered if, like me, she was imagining Emma eating it all. Doctor Marlowe's sister was twice her width.

  "She's a little under the weather. She has bad sinus trouble, especially on days like this," Doctor Marlowe explained.

  "How long have you and Emma lived in this house?" Jade asked her.

  "I've been here all my life. My situation after my parents divorced was a little different from your situations. My sister and I lived with my father because my mother wanted it that way."

  "Why?" Misty asked first.

  Cat looked up with interest, probably just as eager as the rest of us to know more about the person who was supposed to bring us to all the important answers about ourselves.

  "My mother was more into her career than into being a wife and a mother. I suppose that contributed to why they got a divorce in the first place, not that I'm suggesting for one moment she couldn't or shouldn't have had a career."

  "So you lived here with your father?" Jade asked. "Yes, and then Emma returned about twentytwo years ago after her divorce," she said.

  "So actually you've lived in the same house all your life?" Misty asked

  "Yes."

  "What did your daddy do?" I asked. Since everyone else was badgering her with questions and she wasn't refusing to answer, I thought I might ask something too.

  "He was a corporate attorney and my mother taught Drama-speech at UCLA," she revealed. "I saw her often, more often after I had gone to college."

  "Are they both dead?" I asked.

  "My father is," she said. "My mother is at an adult residency now. She suffers from Alzheimer's disease. You all know what that is?"

  "You forget everything," Misty said.

  "What a good idea," Jade quipped. Everyone stopped eating and looked at her. She shrugged. "If we could forget everything and then start over like a blank cassette, I mean."

  "You don't have to forget the past," Doctor Marlowe said softly. "What you've got to learn to do is handle it, live with it, put it in perspective, keep it from permitting you to have a future.

  "After all, that's what we're here to do," she concluded.

  No one responded. We continued eating instead, each of us hoping she was right. Misty and Jade got into a conversation about clothes and Misty admitted she had some very nice things to wear when she wanted to, but just felt more comfortable in jeans and T-shirts.

  From the way the others acted when Doctor Marlowe offered to show us the rest of the house when we finished eating, I gathered they, like me, were brought only to the office before this. She took us to the living room first and explained some of the paintings her father had purchased in Europe years and years ago. She told us he favored the

  Impressionists and one of the paintings was an authentic Monet. I didn't know anything much about art, but I saw that Jade was impressed.

  One picture caught all our interests. It was a painting of a little girl, maybe seven or eight, standing by a pond and looking at her own reflection in the water.

  "My father liked this one a great deal, too," Doctor Marlowe said, standing behind us. "He told me that to him it was as if the little girl realized for the first time that she was really beautiful."

  "That's not supposed to be the first time she'd seen herself, is it?" I asked.

  "I don't think so, no."

  "Maybe nobody told her she was pretty and so she thought she wasn't," Misty said.

  "And she didn't dare hope otherwise," Jade added.

  "Maybe they told her she wasn't pretty and she knew they were liars," Cat interjected with more anger in her voice than we had heard before. Misty shifted her eyes to look at her. Jade kept staring at the picture, but nudged me. I looked at Cat. She had her teeth clenched and her eyes looked like they had a little candle behind them.

  "Does the painting have a name?" Misty asked.

  "It's called Reflections in a Pond," Doctor Marlowe said.

  "That's it?"

  "Sometimes, things are nothing more than what they are," Doctor Marlowe replied.

  "If that were the case all the time, you'd be out of work," Jade quipped.

  Doctor Marlowe laughed hard. She really roared. It brought smiles to all our faces. I felt so light and happy that I almost didn't want to go back to the office and tell the rest of my story. I knew what that was going to do to our merry mood.

  But that's what we had come here to do and anyway, everyone expected it. We all went to the bathroom and then settled back in the office.

  "I really appreciate how smoothly things are going here. Thank you, girls," Doctor Marlowe said after we were seated. Then she turned to me.

  Here I go again, I thought. It was like getting on a roller coaster.

  "I keep saying things got worse after this and worse after that," I began, "so you probably all think it was about as bad as it could be, but it wasn't. It got worse again when Momma got a boyfriend.

  "I knew she was going out with different men from time to time, but she never brought anyone home with her before Aaron Marks. He was someone new to the neighborhood and One-Eyed Bill's, which is where they met, of course.

  "I gotta say that I never thought Momma was faithful to Daddy when they were together anyway. Whenever Daddy went off on a job that took a few days, I had the feeling Momma was with someone. She'd never admit it to me, of course, but you hear things on the street, hear talk and whatnot and just pick up on it if you wanted to be smart enough.

  "Momma'd be with me and meet some girlfriend from One-Eyed Bill's and they'd get to talking and laughing and I could read between the lines that Momma went off with someone, maybe even just to his car behind the bar or something. I was worried she'd get some disease or get pregnant with some other man's baby, but I was afraid to say anything.

  "If I looked suspicious or surprised, she'd just say, 'You
know Shirley was fooling. She doesn't mean half of what she says, Star. Don't you go saying anything to your Daddy or Granny, hear?'

  "If I didn't answer she'd slap me on the arm or shoulder until I turned to her and cried, 'What?'

  "'When I'm talking to you, I expect you to say something. You understand what I told you?'

  " 'Yes,' I'd cry.

  "'Well, you just don't make any trouble for me. I got enough trouble-without you making any,' she'd say and mumble the rest of the way home.

  "I know it sounds like we never had any mother- daughter talks like you all probably have had with your mothers, but we did. Not toward the end, of course, but before things got so bad so that I couldn't look at her, much less talk to her."

  I paused and turned to Misty.

  "I remember yesterday how you kept asking how two people who were supposedly in love could suddenly hate each other so much. What happened to all the nice things they said to each other and the nice things they did together? I thought about that too and one day, when Momma was sober enough and being nice to Rodney, I asked her something like that.

  "I said, 'You loved Daddy once, didn't you, Momma?'

  " `So?' she said.

  "'I was just wondering why you stopped, is all,' I said. I didn't want to spoil her good mood, so I spoke softly and looked down quickly.

  "'Because he's not the man I fell in love with,' she said. 'He fooled me is what happened. When we were first going together, he used to tell me how different he was and how different things were going to be for us. We're not going to be like these poor, drifting folks around us. We're going to build a real home.

  "'He was going to have his own company and I'd be a lady in style. I'd have my own car and we'd have a nice house and on and on he'd go with that web he was spinning to trap me good. That's what he did. I gave myself to him expecting he'd live up to those promises. Every one of them turned out to be just a lot of hot air and when I asked him what happened to all those promises, he said he's doing the best he could, to be patient.

  "'"Be patient? I'm growing old being patient," I told him. Then he'd clam up the way he often did and pretend I wasn't in the room. He could be so

  infuriating. You know that. You've seen him like that.'

  "'Maybe he was trying,' I risked saying. She didn't get mad. She laughed.

  "'Yeah. Look around you at the palace he built. Men,' she said, 'are born liars. Don't believe a one.'

  "She looked down at Rodney playing with his toy truck on the floor and shook her head.

  "'They're so sweet when they're little boys and then something happens to them. They let their thing take over and run their lives and ruin ours,' she said.

  "I knew what she was saying, but I just didn't believe she was saying it. Momma and I never really had a heart to heart about sex and stuff. She just assumed I'd learn it like she did, from girlfriends. I guess when your hormones screamed, it was all supposed to just pop into your head and you'd know what to do and what not to do. Most girls didn't know what not," I said. "At least, most I knew:'

  "My mother didn't exactly offer me any sage advice," Jade said.

  "Excuse me?"

  "Womanly wisdom," she muttered with that corkscrew smirk of hers.

  "Oh. We got taught stuff by the school nurse, of course. She even gave girls sanitary napkins. I remember when I first started getting cramps, I complained to Momma and she just handed me one and told me to wear it just in case.

  "'In case?' I asked her.

  "'Well, look at you,' Momma declared, 'you about to bust out, aren't you? Welcome to woman's misery.'

  "That was about all she told me about it. I learned the rest from girlfriends and the nurse's pamphlets. Then one day when I was nearly thirteen it just happened. It was like an explosion inside me. I got this terrible cramp which about folded me over. I couldn't move without the pain. The nurse came down to the classroom to help me back to her office. I saw the other girls laughing behind my back and some of the boys, too, but I was suffering too much to care.

  "She had me rest and called home. Momma answered and after the nurse told her about me, Momma said, 'Well, what am I supposed to do about it?'

  "The nurse told her she should come for me, but she claimed she couldn't because Rodney was home sick, which I had a feeling was a big fat lie. She was probably with someone and drinking. When I was able to get up and about, I went home myself and discovered I was right.

  "That was the first time I met Aaron Marks. The music was loud. They had been drinking gin. Momma was wearing only a slip. When Momma saw I had entered, she stopped dancing with Aaron and wobbled for a moment and then laughed.

  "'This here's my daughter, Star. She started the monthlies today.' She lifted a glass full of gin and added, 'Let's toast to her happy days.'

  "I didn't take much of a look at Aaron Marks that first time. I was so embarrassed, I just made a dash for my bedroom and slammed the door. I heard them laughing and drinking. When Rodney came home, they were in Momma's bedroom. I hurried out and brought him into my room and told him to just stay there. He cried because he had to go to the bathroom so I had to let him out and he heard Momma's laughter and went to her room. The sight of another man in bed with her just put the freeze in his face.

  "Rodney ain't only shy. When he gets frightened or upset, he has a hard time talking and starts to stutter. It almost sounds like he's choking on a chicken bone. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back to my room. He sat staring with his eyes full of questions I couldn't even begin to answer for him.

  "'She's drinking again,' I told him. 'We have to wait here until it's over.'

  "It was like hiding in a storm basement while a hurricane or tornado passed overhead. I tried to keep him occupied, but every time we heard a laugh or something bang against the wall or on the floor, we both froze and listened, our hearts pounding. I knew Rodney was afraid of the new man in her naked arms, but I didn't know anything more about Aaron Marks than Rodney did at the time.

  "I prayed that it would all end soon, but it went on and on that whole afternoon, until Momma passed out and Aaron quietly left the apartment. I heard the front door open and close and then I inched out of my room, leaving Rodney behind. I looked in on Momma. She was naked, facedown on her bed, snoring away.

  "Maybe all that made my first period worse. I don't know. I hear that stress and such can make trouble for you in that way."

  I gazed at Doctor Marlowe, who nodded slightly.

  "I had such bad cramps, I could barely move about the kitchen to make Rodney something for dinner. I finally gave up and just made him a peanut butter sandwich. He was still too scared to eat much anyway.

  "He fell asleep on my bed that night and I let him stay even though I had a very bad night and had to get up and change and just walked about moaning and groaning. Some time very late, I heard Momma get up and bang into a chair in the kitchen. I heard her curse and run the water and then she went back to sleep and was still sleeping in the morning. She woke up as I helped Rodney get ready for another day of school.

  "I felt like I had been punched and punched in the stomach. I ached right down the back of my legs and I was in a nasty mood myself, so when Momma stuck her head out to ask what was going on, I shouted back at her.

  "'What do you think is going on? It's morning and Rodney slept in my room all night because of your carrying on with that man,' I cried.

  "She blinked as if she couldn't remember if she had or not and then she got mad at me for yelling at her and started screaming back.

  "'I ain't got rid of that man you called your daddy just to have you on my back,' she said. 'Don't you go lecturing to me, hear? You don't open your mouth.'

  "'Yeah, well you should learn to keep yours closed,' I snapped back and she looked like her eyes exploded in her head. She came charging across the kitchen to slap me, only I wasn't going to let her slap me anymore. I had been in enough pain all the previous afternoon and night anyway so I pushed a chair in her pat
h and she fell right over it. It stunned her and she just lay there staring up at the ceiling

  "Rodney was in a terrible state. He wasn't just stuttering and frozen now. He was trembling so much that I heard his teeth click. I pushed him up and out of the apartment, taking his hand and walking him out of the building. I forgot everything: my books, my purse, everything, including the sanitary napkins, of course."

  "Oh no," Misty groaned.

  "Yeah," I said. "I had an accident after I brought him to his school."

  "What did you do?" Cat asked. She was leaning toward me now, her hands clasped on her lap.

  "I wanted to go to Granny's but I didn't have any money for the bus, so I had no choice. I had to make my way home. I practically snuck back into the apartment. Momma was back in bed with a cold rag over her forehead. She didn't hear me. I tiptoed around, got what I needed, changed, and then slipped out of the apartment. I was late to school and they sent me to the assistant principal, Mr. McDermott, who wanted to put me in detention because I had a record of tardiness that stretched from one side of his office to the other. That's what he told me.

  "I told him I couldn't stay. I had to be home for my little brother. He said if I didn't, I'd be in bigger trouble and he told me that my mother would just have to take care of my little brother. That's when I guess I went a little nuts. That was the first time."

  I paused. Even though I had eaten plenty at lunch, I suddenly had this terribly empty feeling in my stomach made worse by the sensation of a fistful of worms crawling around in there. I squirmed, took a breath and closed my eyes. I felt dizzy and had to lay back.

  "Let's all give Star a couple of minutes," Doctor Marlowe said. "I meant to show you all my library," she added. "Star, take a little break," she added. "Lie down for a moment-if you like."

  I did and I heard them all leave.

  "She'll be fine," I heard Doctor Marlowe tell them just outside of the office. Their footsteps died away.

  Whenever I recalled Momma falling over that chair and hitting the floor, I remember the way Rodney's mouth opened wide, but nothing came out. Where did that scream go? I wondered. If you swallow back a scream, does it echo in your heart? There is something extra terrifying about seeing your mother or your father faint, fall, get hurt. They're your parents and in your mind, as silly as it may be, you think they are like Superman and Superwoman. Nothing happens to parents. Parents are there to take care of us. We get sick. We fall and scrape our knees. We burn ourselves and do silly and stupid things, but they are always there to comfort and look after us. We're too young and frightened to take care of them. Nothing happens to them.