Star

  "'You two kids are punishment for me, that's all. I'm being punished for having you.'

  "'What should we say, Momma? We don't drink and get into fights at One-Eyed Bill's. I don't bring a man home to be in my bed,' I said, the tears streaming down my cheeks, 'look how we're being punished.'

  "'You're a regular smarty pants,' she said nodding her head slowly. 'Okay, don't feel sorry for me, a woman with kids deserted. I only hope nothing like this happens to you someday. Then you'll be sorry for what you say to me,' she whined. 'I do my best with what little I have.'

  "She sat herself down and sobbed. Rodney, who started trembling and crying himself, went to her when she held open her arms and she clung to him, crying over him, trying to make me feel like I was the bad one. In the end I did say I was sorry and she cried about how she wished she could do more for her old, sick mother, but she was just overwhelmed and I should be understanding.

  "I didn't say anything more. A little less than a week later, Granny went home from the hospital. We went to visit her and she did seem okay. Most of the visit, Momma complained about her own problems anyway, so Granny wouldn't have had a chance to talk about herself much even if it was in her nature to do so, which it wasn't.

  "I checked on her as much as I could, took the bus to see her whenever I had the chance, and then, as I told you, Aaron moved in and our lives were turned even more topsy-turvy for a while.

  "Before Daddy had left, Momma at least did a little something for Rodney and me. There were times she did the cooking and she went shopping for stuff we needed. Sometimes, when she drank, she got all maudlin and sobbed, clinging to Rodney and acting as if she was sorry for us. That was about the only time she gave him any real affection.

  "I was always more or less on my own, but at least she cared something about him.

  "However, after she started with Aaron, she acted more and more like a woman without any responsibilities. Everything that had to be done for us was an effort. She wanted to be free to party and sleep late every morning.

  "I got so I didn't care. As I said, I didn't have any social life of my own. I never went to a school party and rarely went to the movies. If I did, I'd have to take Rodney along with me because Momma was never there to watch him at night, especially on the weekend.

  "Her conscience reared its weak head from time to time, but when it did, she moaned and groaned about how she had been cheated of her youth by a man who had made her pregnant with me. When Daddy was there, she'd try to make him feel guilty about it. He used to say, 'From the way you talk, Aretha, people might think I raped you.'

  "And she would counter with, 'That's what it was. You didn't tie me down, but you tricked me, Kenny Fisher. You bedazzled me before I had enough sense to stop you.'

  "He'd laugh at that. He'd look at me and laugh at her. Yesterday, Misty, you were talking about how your parents complained about each other to you. That's what mine did, too, only I was too young to understand most of it. Daddy would turn to me as he laughed and talk about Momma and then she would turn to me and do the same and I'd look from one to the other, not knowing whether I should smile, laugh or burst into tears. Yeah, I got so I wanted to put my hands over my ears like you, too.

  "It got so I didn't have to, though. I'd stop hearing them even though they were shouting at me. I didn't see them either. I know because suddenly, I'd blink and discover they were both gone. Daddy had left the house and Momma was in the bedroom mumbling to the mirror.

  "I didn't have my magic carpet then, but I guess I still left."

  I reached for my glass of water and took a sip. How different all their faces were now, I thought. Jade didn't look as arrogant to me anymore. Misty had lost that cute smile and Cat, who looked everywhere but at me most of the time, stared with eyes that were full of sympathy and understanding.

  "One day Aaron and Momma started talking about a vacation they wanted to take. They were planning on driving north to San Francisco where Aaron supposedly had some acquaintances who owed him a good time The plan was to leave us with Granny. I didn't mind that. I was actually looking forward to it.

  "But a few days later, Rodney was burning up with fever when I went to wake him in the morning. He was so hot, my fingers actually jumped back from his cheeks. I couldn't get him to really wake up. He groaned and his eyes were so glassy, I couldn't imagine him seeing anything.

  "I shouted for Momma who immediately started complaining about being woken until I got her into the bedroom and she touched him herself. She looked real scared and that made me more afraid.

  "'We better get him over to the hospital emergency room,'" she said and went back to wake Aaron. Both of them looked like they were the ones with fevers. Aaron practically had to have his eyelids pinned open. We wrapped Rodney in his blanket and Momma carried him out to Aaron's car.

  "I'd been to the emergency room a few times before in my life besides that time with Rodney when he needed stitches. It was always crowded with people, each one looking sicker than the next. Everyone in the waiting lounge is coughing or sneezing, moaning and looking like they're moments away from dying, so even though Rodney was so bad, we couldn't get him any immediate attention. We sat there for nearly two hours. Aaron fell asleep in his chair and Momma got into one of her mean moods and bitched so much, she made the nurses furious at her.

  "I thought Rodney would be the one to suffer for that.

  They wouldn't rush to help us now. I tried to tell her that. Granny always says you can get more with honey than you can with vinegar, but Momma was just so angry her life had been disrupted, she wanted to take it out on anyone she could.

  "Finally, they called us in and the doctor began to examine Rodney. They had to run tests and we were there for nearly five more hours before the doctor came out to see Momma to tell her Rodney had an infection in his spinal cord.

  "'I think we're going to get to it in time with antibiotics to prevent a really serious situation, but he's a sick little boy for now,' he said.

  "'Well, why the hell you make us wait out here so long? I knew that boy was sick. I just knew it. Mommas know these things,' she lectured.

  "'There are many sick people here, Mrs. Fisher,' the doctor said calmly. 'We do the best we can.'

  "Of course that wasn't good enough for her. She just repeated herself. Finally, he left us to get Rodney into treatment. He said Rodney would be there most of the week, which set her off on another stream of complaints. Now her vacation was ruined.

  "I should tell you that once in a while, Momma would be in a good mood. After she had begun with Aaron, she seemed to have more smiles and she'd sing around the house the way she used to when I was a little girl. I got so I concluded Aaron was a good thing for her and therefore, for me and Rodney.

  "But Rodney's getting sick just as she was about to have what she called her first 'real vacation,' turned the clock back and she was meaner and nastier than ever.

  She had already told One-Eyed Bill's she was taking off so she was home more and all she did was drink and complain.

  "I was at the hospital visiting Rodney more than she was because two of the days that week, she had drunk herself into a coma.

  "Rodney's illness seemed to seal up a decision working in the back of her head, that and the eviction notice we got."

  "She wasn't paying her rent?" Jade asked. "But she was working, wasn't she?"

  "Yeah, well I didn't know much about our bills. I remembered the phone being shut off twice and once we had no electric because she hadn't paid the bills, but she eventually got around to it and things were all right again.

  "About three days after Rodney came home from the hospital, someone knocked on our door and I opened it to find a man in a suit asking for my mother. I told him she was at work and he smirked and said, 'If she's working, why doesn't she pay the rent?'

  "I didn't have any answer for him He handed me an envelope and said I should be sure she gets it. After he left, I opened it and read the warning that we were to
be evicted in thirty days unless all the back rent was paid. In my heart I knew it would never be, but I had no idea what the solution cooking in Momma's brain was.

  "When she came home, I gave her the notice. She read it and then crumbled it up and threw it in the garbage.

  "'What are we going to do about it, Momma?' I asked her.

  "'Nothing. Don't worry about it,' she said. She wouldn't say anything more about it.

  "At the end of the week, she announced that she and Aaron had rescheduled their 'real vacation,' and she had made arrangements again with Granny.

  "'But how are we going to go to school?' I asked her. 'Granny lives too far away from where Rodney and I go to school.'

  "'You can miss some school so I can get a holiday,' she snapped back at me.

  "'The school's not going to like that,' I warned her, but she was about as worried about that as she was about our eviction notice.

  "I was too tired to care anymore about school anyway. I was doing poorly in most of my subjects, failing math. The counselor had been calling me in at least twice a month, but even she seemed to give up on me. There are a lot-of kids with problems in my school. After a while no one even noticed me. I bet they didn't even realize I was gone.

  "Momma made me pack up most of Rodney's things and my own and then she and Aaron drove us to Granny's apartment. It's a smaller apartment than the one we were in, but it was on the ground floor and Granny had a small patch of ground behind it, almost a real backyard. Rodney and I would have to continue to share a bedroom, which was really Granny's sewing room that had a pull-out bed. Aaron had squeezed Rodney's cot-bed into his car trunk, so we at least had that.

  "Momma went into this big act before she left, warning Rodney and me to behave while she was away. 'You're here to help Granny,' she said, and made that look like the main reason she had brought us.

  "'We'll call you in a day or so, Momma,' she told Granny and they left. She gave Rodney a quick peck on the cheek, but she just looked at me as if I was miles and miles away. There was something in her eyes that caused a flutter of panic in me. My heart skipped and my stomach felt as if it had filled with hot tears.

  "Sometimes, I could look at Momma when she was unaware and I could catch a glimpse of who and what she had been when I was much younger. It was almost as if the face she wore now was really a mask and under it was the face of the Momma I had known and once loved like a Momma should be loved. Her eyes would twinkle and her lips would soften into a small smile. It warmed my heart and made me feel safe, if only for a little while.

  "I saw that face glimmer for a moment as she stood in the doorway looking back at me. I wanted to run up to her and embrace her and get a real hug of love from her, but it passed and the mask came back strong.

  "'You take care of everyone,' she ordered.

  "'I always do,' I muttered, which she didn't like. She turned to Aaron and they left quickly.

  "Momma didn't call the next day and most of the day after that. Then, just after we had eaten our dinner, the phone rang and it was finally her calling.

  "I saw that Granny was doing more listening than speaking and keeping her eyes on me and Rodney as she did so.

  "'No,' she said. 'That so? You didn't tell me about that, Aretha. Of course I will,' she added.

  "I was waiting nearby, wondering if Momma would ask to speak to me or to Rodney, but she didn't Granny finally said good-bye and hung up.

  "'What's wrong now, Granny?' I asked.

  "'Your momma says you were all evicted from the apartment. You know about that?'

  "'Yeah, I do. I was home when the man brought the notice,' I said, 'and she told me not to worry about it.' "'Well, you lost your home,' Granny said.

  "Rodney didn't understand it, but he knew it was bad so he just started to cry and I went to him and held him.

  "'What is she going to do about it, Granny?' I asked.

  "'She said she and Aaron are going to try to set up a home for you all in San Francisco. Aaron's been promised new work with some friends of his and she's looking for work too. Once they settle into a new place, they'll send for you,' Granny added

  "She might have even believed it when she told me then, but after a few days of not hearing from Momma, I could see the trust evaporating. Momma called once more the following week and gave basically the same story. When she didn't call at all the next week, Granny decided we should enroll in the closest schools and she saw that we did.

  "Another week went by and another. Momma called once in a while with a different story. Then she called to say she and Aaron were thinking of trying their luck on the East Coast. Aaron had an uncle who owned a convenience store in Wilmington, Delaware and needed help. He supposedly said there was a lot of work Momma could get, too.

  "Granny didn't believe her, but she looked at Rodney and me and I guess she thought what was happening was for the best. After she hung up that time, she and I talked about it and she said, 'Well, I guess I'll have to stay in this world a little longer than I had expected.'

  "'I guess you better, Granny,' I told her.

  "So I became what Misty called yesterday an OWP, orphan with parents. Good riddance to them both, I say:'

  I paused, looked at the ceiling and then at Doctor Marlowe. I could see she was waiting for me to tell them, so I got up my courage and I did.

  "My troubles," I admitted, "were just starting."

  6

  As I said before, Granny wanted us to enroll in new schools and we did. I couldn't help being upset with all the changes in our lives. Rodney was bothered even more than I was, but rather than just clam up the way Daddy often did; he began to misbehave, deliberately breaking things in class, getting into fights and talking back to his new teachers. Twice the first month Granny had to go to school because of things he had done. He had grown up in a house with a mother who threw things when she was angry and didn't hesitate to use bad language in front of him, mostly because she had been drinking and didn't even realize what she was saying, so I guess he didn't have what you would call a good role model.

  "Nevertheless, I tried being angry at him and bawling him out for the things he did, but when he turned his lost, lonely eyes on me, I stopped yelling and just hugged him Finally, I got to him a little by telling him I was worried more about Granny's health than I was about him or me.

  "'Remember, she had one heart attack. She could have another and then where will we be? We'll be in some institution, that's where,' I told him.

  "He seemed to understand that and calmed down enough so he didn't get into trouble, but his schoolwork didn't improve any.

  "Neither did mine. The bad habits followed me, I guess. I didn't see how I could ever do anything for myself with studies, and when counselors asked me if I had any idea what I wanted to be or do, I just shook my head and stared out the window. The future was as cloudy as could be. It amazed me how anyone could look years and years beyond today and see what he or she would be doing. I just worried about tomorrow.

  "I made some new friends quickly. Everyone's curious about a new student and asks questions and lots of kids were in situations like mine. I knew I was far from the only one who was living with her granny or granny and grandpa. One of the girls, Tina Carter, had a cousin in my previous school who had been a friend of mine so Tina and I became friendly and she told me stuff about many of the other kids, especially the boys to avoid because of their criminal records or gangs they were in.

  "One boy she warned me about, Steve Gilmore, was interesting and attractive to me nevertheless. Tina said he was weird. He liked to be alone. He didn't have any real friends at the school and nobody knew much about him or saw him on weekends at the usual hangouts. The only one he seemed to spend any time with at school was a white boy, Matthew Langer, who had such severe learning disabilities he had been held back two grades. The fact that he would rather spend his time talking to Matthew than anybody else made him more interesting to me. It was sort of understood that Steve protected him t
oo.

  "Steve wasn't all that big and strong looking. He was just under six feet and only about one hundred and seventy pounds, but he had a wildness in his eyes that made other boys give him space. I guess it was because of the way he fixed his gaze on someone. People said they felt like he was burning into them. Someone had nicknamed him 'Laser Eyes' and the name stuck, but no one called him that to his face.

  "There were all sorts of stories about him that were practically mythical?'

  "Like what?" Jade asked.

  "He supposedly had killed someone in a fight when he was only nine years old, stole a car and got into an accident that resulted in the death of a young woman, stuff like that."

  "However, from what I could tell, Steve wasn't in trouble much in school. He was an okay student, quiet and not disrespectful when his teachers approached him. I had one class with him, social studies. I would glance his way from time to time He sat just behind me about two rows over, but he never seemed to look at me or take the slightest interest in me.

  "I had begun to take better care of myself, fix my hair, wear some lipstick, polish my nails. Granny managed to get me some nicer clothes too. She did seamstress work for a department store sometimes and the manager got us some deep discounts.

  "Granny told me I was pretty. I guessed she was saying that because she was my granny, but Tina told me she and her girlfriends had decided I was one of the prettiest girls in the school now. If that was so, I wondered why Steve Gilmore never gave me a first look, not to mention a second. I wasn't much interested in the other boys who had.

  "What I would do occasionally in class was lean back on a slant so I could gaze at Steve without it looking too obvious. I guess another thing that attracted me to him was a look I saw occasionally in his eyes that suggested he was hurting in places I was hurting. He seemed to drift away, too.

  "I know from the way you're all looking at me that it's hard to understand what I mean. Sometimes, I'd catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and I'd do a double-take because there was this deep, dark shadow in my eyes that made them look like tiny tunnels running back to my most painful childhood memories. I'd be surprised at how much time went by with me looking down those tunnels. I guess we called them 'flashbacks,' right, Doctor Marlowe?"