Rock Notes

  Chapter Four – Heartfelt Friends

  Our time back in Philly surely grounded us all. The band kept up with their rehearsals. One evening when I called Raeford to get some detailed information about his musical upbringing, he told me that the band was really working hard on some new material, and that Rand was finally getting around to writing. I got caught up on my home stuff, all my phone messages, my writing notes and I tried to make sense of them and organize them. I had to open a huge pile of mail and all those things that stack up whenever you’re away. Rand and I still talked and texted one another but hadn’t seen each other for a week. Jillian and I set a date night tonight for the two of us to catch up and for me to reveal any and all details to her of my first travels with the band and everything about Rand.

  With a big hug like life itself, I wrapped my arms around Jillian as soon as she crossed into my doorway. “God I missed you and it’s only been a few weeks,” I spoke as my eyes filled up.

  “I missed you too girl, how was it? And don’t keep out any juicy details,” she replied.

  Well I couldn’t say enough, I told her I thought I was falling for him and that I couldn’t believe this could be happening to me. I told her that we shared quiet time, fun time and very exciting time as I pulled up my shirt to display the dangling music note that hung from my navel. She laughed so hard, her shock apparent that I let myself get talked into a body piercing. I continued to tell her how I drank so much, braved my bikini (thanks to her) and was asked to cover up. I told her I had times my heart was so happy, but then I recalled her phone conversation with me about Thomas and those moments saddened with my reflecting on the past. I hadn’t forgotten that he really wanted to talk to me so I told her I decided to return a call to him even though it was against my better judgment. I wasn’t sure I could face him, but something in me still wanted to hear what he had to say. I had to stop feeling so conflicted.

  We were talking at each other so rapidly, she was asking me all about Atlanta and she was excited that she would see her brother Jason. She told me she had looked up the information on the band and she had a spiked interest in Raeford. This was odd as he was the quietest of them all and Jillian was the polar opposite. She said his photos on the website showed him in a great light and he was very handsome. She asked if he had a girl in each town. I told her he was a sweetheart and really watched over me, and as for girls in each city, it was me that he mainly stayed near. I made a promise to her that I would definitely tell him about her in advance and introduce them both when we all would be traveling to Atlanta in a few weeks. Jillian said, “You promise?” I said, “Absolutely!”

  I promise, oh I remember those words. I had promised my love to Thomas so long ago. In my whole life I never broke any promise. I remember Jillian coming to the front door of my condo and leaning on the outside and talking me through my tears and crying voice that she promised if I just let her in she would make it all better, that she would be by my side and she would make it all right. It had taken every ounce of my strength to open that front door and allow her to come in and join me on the floor and comfort me. At first she reached over to me to offer a hug and I flinched and pulled back.

  Thomas had broken my very soul. Slowly she gained my trust and as she promised over and over that this would, one day, be much better. I felt somewhere deep inside that there was a part of me that may have believed her. “Maddy, are you still having wet dreams about Rand?” She broke into my thoughts.

  “I wish I was, no I was just recalling the importance of promises.” I said to her as I pulled her into another hug.

  We had ordered Chinese delivery, and requested they send plenty of fortune cookies. After the food arrived we girls did what we do best and we talked well into the evening, sitting on the floor with an array of white take out containers and then we ripped through all the fortune cookies to select the best fortune for each of us. I found one that I liked and claimed it, it read: A wish for true romance will happen in your life when you dream rose petals. Jillian selected one she liked and it said: Your smile brings happiness to everyone you meet. We were laughing and I got paper and pens and suggested that we write our own fortune cookie saying. Heck I am a writer, how hard could it be? We wrote the following, mine read – Hold on to the past but eventually let the times go and keep the memories and move oneself into the awaiting present.

  Jillian wrote – No distance is too far for true friends bonded together. I was really happy to have spent this time with her and told her we would hit the gym this week because I had missed too many days lately. Her schedule this week was going to keep her a little busier than normal but we could work it in, we hugged it out and I had just shut the door to her and my home phone rang. Thank god for caller ID, it was an incoming call from Thomas and I really didn’t want to start in on this with him at the moment. I let it ring and he did not leave a message.

  Being back here had me missing Rand and I wondered if he was missing me as well. I decided to text him –

  Just wondering if you’re awake? I had a nice evening with Jillian; by the way she has taken a liking to none other than Raeford! Believe that? We had Chinese food and rummaged through fortune cookies to select the one we wanted, we don’t play that fair.

  Seconds later he replied:

  I’m up, and I’ve been thinking about you. Hey, can you pick through your fortune cookies and choose one for me? Wow, Raeford that’s good news. He keeps his whole life quiet. I know he’s not into any one girl right now. Maybe in Atlanta they can get to know each other. Maxwell told me you asked for some passes.

  I went back into my kitchen and there remained the opened Chinese containers and many fortune papers lying on the counter and I looked through them.

  Rand, here’s one for you: Listen to the music in your heart and your happiness will dance and be intertwined with your outlook on life. I thought that was fitting for you.

  Rand didn’t reply back, then my telephone rang again on the home phone and I didn’t want to pick it up thinking it was Thomas, but then I saw the caller ID and it was Rand. I picked it up, “Why are you calling?” I asked.

  “Madison, I just had to hear your voice. I wanted to feel you speak to me.”

  Our live conversation lasted for a long time to follow. I remember trying to end it.

  “Rand we should hang up, I should let you go now.”

  “I’m not letting you go, I don’t want to.”

  “It’s late, we’ll talk soon, I’m getting very sleepy.”

  “Don’t hang up, just put the phone next to your pillow and that way I will hear you breathing while you are sleeping.”

  “You’re a crazy man.”

  “Maybe crazy about you, but I will feel like I am there with you, so go to sleep now Madison, take me with you as you dream.”

  As I closed my eyes to sleep I was content, first I had hugs from Jillian earlier, and then comfort through the open phone line from Rand that held me tenderly as I slept. I dreamt in color and it was so vivid. His blue eyes were upon me and he was lying next to me in thought, he began to admire my body, mentally taking it all in. I was so caught up in his look of desire that I inhaled him as well taking in his purely awesome body and sensual mouth and, oh how I wanted to be kissed in my dream. My fortune was coming true as in my dream I felt the touch of soft rose petals that were falling down and spreading on my bed. I leaned in toward him only to find my extra pillow in my face on the other side of my empty king sized bed. I really needed to get it together. I was falling for him like a high school crush and although I know he enjoyed my company he also backed away, keeping me at arm’s length.

  I slept well and felt refreshed this morning. I had to recharge my phone as it spent the entire night on my pillow. I hoped I didn’t talk in my sleep or snore through the phone connection to Rand. I was proud of myself as I had gotten all caught up from the previous traveling and knew I could handle this next journey to the Atlanta concert. I never heard my phone as it must
have gone off while I showered, and Rand left a message:

  I don’t like separation, what can we do about it?

  I was about to return a text, and my doorbell rang. I looked out and there was a delivery truck and as I opened the front door, there was the delivery man standing in front of me with a huge wrapped item marked fragile.

  “What’s this? I haven’t ordered anything.”

  “Are you Miss Tierney?”

  “Yes, I am but…”

  “Miss, I just need you to sign this delivery slip.”

  “Is there an address from who sent this?”

  “Miss it’s just my job to deliver this to you this morning and it was noted high priority.”

  “Sorry, can I use your pen?”

  The delivery man handed over his pen so I could sign for the package.

  Just as I was signing the release slip, I saw a black Hummer pull into my driveway.

  “Thank you Miss and have a nice day.”

  Rand walked up the driveway, stunning in his everyday, simple appearance, in his jeans that fit his hips perfectly and a tight black tee shirt as usual. He stopped first to talk to the delivery driver and I saw Rand tip him. I was really confused. As he came up to my door, he was smiling and said again to me, “I didn’t like being separated, I missed you.” I melted inside, and hoped he wasn’t playing with me. I, for some reason, couldn’t help myself from reaching out and hugging him like I hadn’t seen him in months.

  We walked in, his arm draped across my shoulders and mine wrapped around his waist and he said, “So let’s see what this is, shall we?” First, though he walked around my home curiously taking it in since he’d never been past my doorway. He didn’t come in before when he dropped me off to meet Jillian. He was humming and walking around.

  “Do you want a tour?” I asked.

  He said, “No, I’m just trying to figure something out.”

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Well, where to place your package that just arrived” he stated. It was then that I knew exactly what it was before even opening it. It wasn’t an autograph he gave to pretty artist’s agent; it was an order, an actual sale. He had bought me “Separation.”

  We decided to place it right over my bed. I had a large open wall there and the colors of the painting popped against the light yellow walls. We stood in front of the bed and were admiring our successful handyman work in hanging it and Rand nuzzled into my hair. He smelled so good. It wasn’t a particular cologne, just the scent of Rand. I was getting so drawn in and used to his smell. I thanked him for the gift and I knew going forward every time I looked at it I would think of us. Was there even an us?

  If I had even a slight doubt at this very minute, it escaped me as he cupped my chin and pulled me in slowly laying me down on the bed. Here we were in my bed, I never would have thought I would have kissed another man, much less in my bed, but that is what we did. We remained wrapped in one another’s arms and he gently stroked my face and we passed the morning into the afternoon quietly, sensually and beautifully, only taking a break to eat some leftover Chinese food.

  My home phone rang and I chose to let the caller leave a voice message. I did not want to take a call and interrupt this warmth of our being together.

  “Maddy, pick up if you are there, please I just want to talk to you, we need to talk. Maddy, I still love you. I know I messed up but I miss you, I miss us. I’m sure you miss us. Don’t give up on so many years we had together,” Thomas pleaded. My body tensed, I was shocked the message sounded so loud in the quietness that had absorbed Rand and me.

  I sank into his chest, did not know how to cover that up, how to handle that, how to respond. Rand simply leaned up, took both his hands and pressed them to the sides of my face in a capturing way and took my lips to his once more. He did not speak about the message, but did tell me it was getting late and he needed to escape this beautiful afternoon and head to meet the band. He said he would talk to me later.

  As Rand was pulling away from my driveway I cursed Thomas and cursed his timing. I knew I would have to call him to get him to stop this. I reached out and began to dial his cell phone.

  “Maddy, thank God you are returning my calls, I know I have no reason to worry about you but I miss you and I actually called Jillian when I was unable to reach you,” his voice happily sang.

  “I know, she told me. Listen, I want you to know that we will talk, perhaps we need that.” What I wasn’t saying was that I hoped the talk would be the closure I needed if I had enough strength to follow through with that. “Right now though I am deep into a concert schedule with the Rolling Isaac’s, but you already know about that.”

  “Yeah, I looked up their schedule and I have a business convention in Austin, Texas the same time they have a show, I’ll meet you then. I think this will work and it’s a change of scenery for us both.”

  He just invited himself. I guess I now had to finally meet up with him to be able to move forward. I think I heard in his voice that he thought this might mean reconciliation, he sounded so hopeful. I told him I would get passes to the show and I knew without saying to him that with the loud music we would not get to converse too much.

  I spoke without emotion, “Thomas, I’ll call you when I have the passes and let you know where we can meet for the show. Take care, I really have to go.” I did not say goodbye only hung the phone up and started to cry, this was my first conversation with him since we sat across the table with lawyers going through our assets, although even that went smoothly as our lives parted. I wasn’t sure what tears I was shedding. Upset that Rand heard the earlier voice message, or upset at the wanting in Thomas’s voice that I had longed for the months after he left?

  As I tried to clear my head with a workout at the gym, I found myself sitting on the stationary bike and pedaling for so long that I could have reached another state. I had called Jillian and left her a message about my conversation with Thomas and also for her to get packing since next week we were heading to Atlanta. Maxwell was great. He had already sent me confirmation that he was having Jillian fly with us to Atlanta and he had bought her ticket. To date, I hadn’t paid out any of my money for all the traveling with the band. Jillian and I had agreed and confirmed with Maxwell that we were going to stay at her brother’s so there would be a cost savings for that. I had the VIP access passes on Rolling Isaac’s lanyards for her and Jason and me to enjoy the show.

  Today had been like a salad for me why, after what started off as a lovely day, was then mixed with some awkwardness in between and then a dash of self pity and dressed with intimate thoughts and naked images of Rand. I was exhausted. My phone sounded, it was Rand, and I smiled –

  Glad I got to see you earlier today, I’m writing new music and keeping busy but my thoughts keep taking me to you. I’ll talk to you soon.

  Rand did not call me after that nor did he the next few days. As I had gone over to their rehearsal studio toward the end of the week to take some notes and a few photos to inspire my writing about The Wall, I ran into Ron who was working on some notes. Ron filled me in that Rand was out late every night and still hadn’t returned yet this morning from last night when they all were at a club. Ron said, “I don’t know how he does it. Rand is like that bunny commercial, he just keeps going. He parties all night long, and rarely makes it to his bed and…” He stopped speaking as he looked at me and could tell he probably had talked a bit too much already.

  I took several photographs and headed out telling Ron I would see him soon for the Atlanta trip. I was so upset as I left, in my heart I thought Rand felt something for me and in my head I could hear that he was out and having fun, late nights, later mornings and with who I was wondering, but I knew it could be with any girl, anytime. Was I going to be satisfied with whatever playful extended friendship with kissing benefits I was sharing with him? Or was I going to have Thomas, who was saying he still loved me try to restart our past relationship?

  Atlanta was alre
ady here, we were all set for the limo to take us, and Rand was not in attendance. As Maxwell reached for his phone, he told us that Rand had just called and would be here shortly. When Rand finally did arrive, he looked tired and not his lively self. He did come right up to me, took me by the waist, pulled me in and gave me a kiss on my nose. Jillian smiled and said, “Oh too cute.” Rand then gave Jillian a quick hug and welcomed her to the weekend for the show. She was putty when he released her from the hug. But I couldn’t focus on anything except for where he’d been. He looked like he just strolled in from yet another evening of all night sex and drinking.

  Although the traveling for the trip was uneventful he did sit next to me and offered conversation to Jillian throughout the first hours of flight. He was mainly asking her questions about me in front of me. They covered all my likes, dislikes and yes, insecurities. Jillian kept up with answering him and the entire time they talked I watched as Raeford kept glancing at her with a look of anticipation. Raeford usually was laid back but there was a fire in his eye starting to manifest. I think Rand must have said something to him about Jillian, because abruptly Raeford leaned in and jumped into their conversation and then swayed her to converse with him the next hour of the flight.

  Rand never took his hand off of me on the plane. I had covered myself with the provided flimsy, navy airplane blanket and underneath Rand slowly stoked my hands and rested his hands in the seam of my thighs. His head settled in on my shoulder and I could smell that Rand scent again. He breathed in and let out a sigh.

  Our arrival in Atlanta was rainy and stormy causing all of us quickly scramble into vehicles to depart the airport. It was a messy morning there. Rand stopped me just as I was entering the cab to take Jillian and me to her brother’s as the rest of the band, Maxwell and Rand were heading to a hotel. There we stood in the rain as it was still coming down and stared at one another. He leaned into me and kissed me really hard, taking the back of my head and holding it tightly pushing in to his kiss, he said “I’m going to miss you’re not with us, but I’ll look for you at the show”.

  Jillian had to pull me into the cab as the rains were intensifying and I was already soaked. I looked to him and felt sad and I wanted to turn and go with him. His long dark hair captured all the raindrops and glistened as he shook them off. He smiled at me through the closed window and I lost it. I told Jillian I felt something for him but with the other girls and his lifestyle who was I kidding. She held me all the way to her brother’s home. I realized later that I hadn’t even been a good friend as I meant to ask her about what she and Raeford talked about while in flight.

  Jason waited very patiently while Jillian and I dressed like school girls in a dorm room, getting ready for the show, changing our clothes and laughing. We were acting so silly, it was so much fun. I had given Jason a Rolling Isaac’s tee shirt when we arrived and he was quite excited about us being there but more about the concert. As we all got ready to leave Jason told me, “Hey thanks for the getting me in the show! It’s great to have both my girls.” We walked into the show that evening arm in arm with Jason. Maxwell had come up to us and invited us to go backstage after the concert. I was always welcome back there but usually did not attend. But for this evening with Jason and Jillian and my thoughts of perhaps Raeford seeing her again, I certainly agreed that we would all go.

  Their concert was amazing again and as they stepped onto the stage, I saw Rand search the crowd, his eyes scanned it and then he came directly to me. He smiled, he tilted his head down, he kissed his cuff bracelet. He adjusted the paper play list in front of him and then looked back to me and pursed his lips and blew me an air kiss. I looked deeply back to him but was taken back for a moment knowing he kissed his cuff with Ashley’s name on it just moments before. Was he filling me with softness while he awaits her return, had he been with her for all of his late night trysts? I was full of questions and worry.

  Backstage was fun. I was hesitant to join them, but this night back there was like a family reunion. Kent had picked me up and kissed me again on the lips; he even picked up Jillian and kissed her too. Raeford was so smooth though, he just reached out and caught her hand in his and pulled her over toward him and kept her standing talking to him in between his legs. I think I saw Raeford kiss her too. Jason was in deep conversation with Maxwell talking all about the music business and drinking a beer and having a blast. Raeford introduced himself to Jason and they both talked quite a bit as Jillian smiled at them both. Isaac said, actually shouted, he really missed me lately. Rand took my hand and whispered to me, “Not more than I have.” He licked the side of my cheek and moved in toward my ear and continued to whisper, “What you do to me, you have no idea. I breathe you in. I hold my breath. I wish you could stay tonight.”

  I was wondering if he meant with him, or the band. I was planning on staying here with them as long as they were hanging out, but then Jillian and I were going to return to Jason’s and stay on in Atlanta for another day while the band was returning to Philly tomorrow afternoon. I was so happy this evening. I was right here, by the side of the stunning Rand. It was wonderful to have my dearest friend Jillian here on this experience with me, and seeing Jason smiling happily with the band made it that much better. At that moment, I felt such happiness having this family of people surround me. I looked up to Rand and confidently said, “I’m here now, let’s not talk, just kiss me.” I had openly invited him to take my lips with all these people in our company. There, backstage I was now the girl he was kissing this evening. I had climbed another confidence step in taking him on. I wasn’t the young pretty girl tonight hand picked from the new corral of girls that so often came back to see the band; I was asked to be here, I was invited and I knew as his tongue slid into my mouth and circled my teeth and licked at the roof of my mouth that I wanted to be here this evening. The feel of him making me prickle inside, I definitely wanted to be here with him.

  The lights were shutting off one by one backstage and we were all going to move out. I pulled from his embrace and he pulled me back in, saying aloud “We’ll be out front shortly.” As the last light dimmed and then faded in the darkness backstage, he took his fingers from tracing my already sensitive lips, tender from all his kisses, and he opened my mouth slowly and placed his two fingers on my lower lip and to my teeth. I began to suck on his fingers almost immediately, rolling my tongue around them and gently sucking them in and out. He gasped and let out a long sigh. He took his fingers from my mouth and traced a moist line to my nipples just under the strapless top I was and wearing. Then, he placed his other hand just under my skirt to the inside edge of my bare skin and lace panties. My thighs began to shudder at the touch of his hand.

  “Come on guys!” Isaac screamed. I went to reach for Rand’s hand in the darkness but before I found it, I took hold of what I though was his solid, muscular leg but, that is not what I touched. I found that he was very, very hard and very aroused. I laughed; we laughed and slowly walked out to the front of the arena to allow Rand time to calm down. I had hoped that this wasn’t how Rand was each night backstage. I had hoped it was only with me.